Trying to move forward

Unfortunately, words are very easy. Toss them out and see what sticks. Hope the other person (or people) believe you or give you the benefit of the doubt- or make excuses for you

Actions do speak far louder than words.

It sometimes seems to me like it's not so much that it's not real, as that it's more of a conditional transaction. Sometimes it was good, sometimes it was bad, but it was always based on whether they were happy or not with the supply you were giving them at that time, coupled with their own perpetual chaos. Definitely not selfless love though.

Hi everyone.

Thanks for letting me talk through and sort through things on here for years. I've clung onto some of your words.

My wife and I are 9 months separated now. It is 6 months since she has had any contact with the kids. She doesn't even know what school they are in, or whether our oldest is working or in college.

Meanwhile, me and the kids laugh every day. We have at least one meal together everyday.

I spent weeks working in the evenings with my oldest, setting up the basement with a kitchenette so that he has his own min-apartment, as a young man should. I put his name on some of the utilities so he can learn some responsibility with bills. We spent weeks making mechanical and welding repairs on an old 4x4 that he bought, and he had great adventures with it this summer. Lots and lots of "good trouble", as I call it. Getting lost, getting stuck, getting out, and having pictures and stories to tell after. We are adventurers by nature, not "mudders".

I've gotten my daughter dirtbike lessons, we've borrowed an ATV and gone exploring on trails, she is working out with me, and watching bad rom coms and teen movies from the 90s. She has bad period pain, so I've been taking her to appointments since March. Last night I was bringing her hot water bottles while we sat on the couch and did math homework together. She's had friends over for the first time in a long time, including for sleepovers, and she has gone for umpteen sleepovers and swimming with friends all summer.

We have friends that we all go visit together for meals, and evenings on the deck or sitting around a fire with them, honestly, laughing until we cry, and laughing until my abs hurt the next day. We have an invite for supper and a firepit tonight again.

We've had guests come stay at our house for up to a week.

My daughter's therapist has said she has cptsd, and is on the verge of it becoming hardwired into her health, and she's encouraged our daughter to go no contact for 1-2 years to let these symptoms subside.

I was at a friend's place helping him measure and order materials for the roof of his garage. My oldest called and met me there on his way home from work. He's an Army reservist now, and a union construction worker. He showed up with McDonald's for all of us, and my buddy's wife stood on the step in front of my son (he's a big, big guy). She brushed his shoulders off, and complimented him on how good he looked in his uniform, talked about how proud they were of him, talked about watching him grow up from a little boy in their yard to the big young man he is now, and how happy they were that their son was his best friend. She hugged him and rocked him like a momma bear. In that moment I felt so much anger, because he should have had that at home.

And you know what? I still find it hard to trust the evidence. I still question if it was her, or me, or us that was toxic. I still doubt myself so much. I still long for my wife. We had a huge rainstorm the other night, and all I wanted was a little spoon I could put my arm around and to smell her hair.


Thanks for letting me talk.

RDMercer

I admire so much your skill and dedication in nurturing and healing! ❤️

Can I tell you something I thought was funny?

My son was dating a girl that really was not good for him. He saw that, and broke up with her.

A month later it started.... "I don't want to be on dating apps. How else do people meet each other? I'm not in school. Like.... Am I going to find a girlfriend again?"

So, I talked to him, and I explained..... "You are a big, strong, good looking kid. You competed at a national level in your sport. You look darn good in a uniform, and you are working towards a union construction trade. Just wait. They'll find YOU. Just wait."

Six weeks later, the texts began flooding in...... "Oh my gosh. I just heard about you guys. Are you OK? Did you need to talk? I can pick you up. We can just drive, and get a coffee. I can be here for you.. Do you want to just sit and watch a movie together? Can I bring you something to eat? What do you like?"

RDMercer

I know it's a tedious task, but go back to your old threads and re-read the evidence there.

The way you speak of your life now vs you life then is like night & day. I can hear the happiness pouring out today and all the joy that you are experiencing with your family and newfound life without your ex wife.

If you re-read your old threads, you will see the toxicity. Your posts about your life with your wife were full of angst, exhaustion, bad feelings, guilt, pain, and anguish. That's all you talked about... how much pain and anguish you were in. She was running you dry.. you were empty, depleted, and in so much pain.

And now? It's the opposite! This post was a sheer joy to read, until the very end.

It can take a. long time to get past those feelings, but the more you ground yourself in the reality of her and your life with her, the better off you will be.

I am very happy for you - you are not only a great father, but your kids seems to. be thriving now in a life without her. This is very important for them, and for you!!!

The kids are doing way, way better.

I'm a good dad. That job, that role, that responsibility matters to me. My daughter has, I believe, a learning disability related to math. I think she is dysgraphic. Sitting and working with her matters. Caring for her matters. Because I don't have all the answers for her, I've taken her to a teen sexual health clinic several times now to ask questions. She isn't sexually active, but I want to make sure she's safe.

My son can do brakes, steering, suspension, and bearing work as good as any mechanic now. As for getting stuck and getting out, he understands tow ratings, hitch ratings, how to find the rated strength of tow straps, slings, and shackles, and how to account for shock loads. I was his coach in his sport for a long time and now is often asked to be a fitness leader doing drills with the Reserves. He's pursuing a technical trade in the military so this skill set for him is quite different.

I'm very up-front with them too. I tell them, I'm the only coach they will ever have who knows them intimately. I've said, I'm watching for learned and innate things they've gotten from their mom. Accountability matters, being empathetic matters, owning mistakes and accepting responsibility matters, covering over mistakes to maintain a facade is WRONG, face it and do better, and you'll be stronger.

I'm a good dad. I never understood, but I thought that *should* have had some effect on how my wife regarded me, and even her attraction to me. I felt like in a different relationship it would have.


The more I learn, the more I know she was a covert narcissist. We were each given an assessment scale for covert narcissistic traits. We each scored 47/50, and each agreed on the same three points.

My wife is a beautiful woman, who CONSTANTLY sought compliments through negging herself.

I think being on dating apps and seeking that superficial validation with no responsibilities, and being able to constantly spin the victim story will work well for her.

RDMercer

My son has big plans and big dreams for the future. I've told him...

"Do you know what will change that? A pregnancy. Be careful. But IF that happens, you have a place with me wherever I am, even if that means it's you, girlfriend, and a baby. You're part of the plan and you aren't alone. BUT DON'T GET HER PREGNANT."

Your wife also developed alcohol abuse disorder where she chooses to drink and binge drink and go to clubs looking for drama and attention. AUD is a very narcissistic disorder and very unhealthy for you and your children to be around. People with this problem experience many failed relationships and notoriously play the victim.

It’s best for you and your children to completely distance from your wife who had become too toxic to have in your environment.

I am glad to hear that you are doing better and so are your kids. It’s great to hear. And you are doing what s good parent needs to do. Your wife’s lack of interest in her children is so telling

Now I know you didn’t ask, but may I suggest if you suspect your daughter has learning disability speak to her teachers and a counselor. Not every struggling student has a disability, but if she does, she might greatly benefit from the help she could get. I’d ask her school what they noticed, if anything.

I'm on it.

This is so hard. I adored my wife, and I know I said on here repeatedly that I believed she gave us 110% of everything she could give us and that she was just past her limits every day.

Well.... WTH??

Where is she now as a parent?

I know I poured my angst and longing for her out on this forum, but this was the only place to go. I couldn't financially, or by time, afford regular counselling.

While I don't bash her at home, the kids NEED to be validated that she messed up, and that they don't deserve to be discarded.

My few interactions with her it really seems like in her mind she's wronged and she is going to seek revenge by financially ruining me.

Something that is telling is that we lock and latch the door when home during the day. If we see a figure at the door, like an Amazon driver, we freeze.... Everyone is just on eggshells waiting for her to show up again and cause drama and emotional pain.

Your children DO NOT need to be validated by that person. You do that. She is incapable.

that is very telling. As bad as it is to have that kind of trauma, at least with as far as you all have come, you'll never accept going back to a place like that again.

Validating the kids experiences is important to break any generational trauma patterns. IME, sometimes they need guidance to understand what was okay and what wasn't, and why. And that it has nothing to do with who they are. It sounds like you're doing that kind of reality check with them, which is far different than insulting or demeaning her. Guessing her absence speaks volumes to them.

It's sad how much of what you did came from a place of giving and understanding, and now it seems like she was just taking full advantage those good hearted traits.

Just remember threats to destroy you financially are just that.....threats. the judge has final say & obviously since she doesn't have the kids, she gets basically nothing from you since she is quite capable of being on her own (she left you) & supporting herself. Idle threats to scare or wear you down.

Yea, my ex told me he wouldn't give me things in the divorce I wanted to file for. At that time I wasn't mentally in a place to fight so I just left & moved 2100 miles away. He wanted things he got them, I got my sanity & freedom. He didn't win & he lost the house. Threats can turn into really bad situations for them.

Just catching up on this thread.

Agree with others, you are doing a great job. Yes, it's normal to have doubts but with time, these will be reconciled. Remember, you can't do everything yourself. Your daughter's school will help with her problem.

Teaching your kids a moral code is always good!

As for the kids being validated by their mom..... I think that is important, but it's not going to happen. That is what accelerated our demise, in part. I said repeatedly that she couldn't deny the kids' experiences or invalidate that they happened. I said, I trust things happened due to mental health and physical illness and I'm not looking for an apology, but she had to speak to the kids and go to counselling with them and acknowledge that these things occurred.. She refused.

Times the kids pleaded with her about their emotional needs and angst until they were in tears she never waivered; everything was my fault.

So, like Armorplate said, I'm not cussing her out, bashing her to the kids, nothing. But I'm clear with the kids, "You deserved better than you got. You didn't deserve this." And of course they are also validated by me wanting to have time with them.

I drove my daughter to school this morning. She asked if we can workout together tonight; weights and boxing, and she asked if we can go to a car show tomorrow night.

As for ruining me financially..... Yes, she threatened divorce regularly and told me repeatedly how much she was going to take from me. She told me how much her new friends were getting in settlments and that she was getting that much or more.

Over time, it became ridiculous.... She was taking half the house, half my investments, and half my pay until I retired. When I retired she was going to take half my pension income until I died. She was going to have the court force me to leave my job and work remote construction projects where you make big money living in camps. That was stuff she was telling me six months BEFORE we separated. At that time I begged her to stop, said she was listening to people who weren't looking out for her, and to please commit to peace with the kids and family counselling. Now she's still going to take all this, and she's going to sue me for not settling quickly.

There won't be a quick settlement. Basically, we aren't a priority to the family court. The kids are safe, stable, no addiction, no abuse..... Nothing.

If I don't agree to her terms, she has to force it to court for a settlement. That will take another 1.5 to 2 years, because we are such a low priority, in an area with a lot of high priority cases. At which point, she will have to accept that she owes child support, carrying costs and maintenance for the house and our loans, and post secondary costs for the kids. When she is confronted with that i don't know what will happen.

So, I don't know what is ahead.

Money is CRAZY tight, but my son is helping with some expenses and I got a PT side job I'm starting next month.

And.... Did you notice I stopped talking about the new lady that entered my life? She's smart, attractive as heck and just way too.... intense. I'm fine leaving that for coffee and as a work connection, maybe indefinitely.

I'm a good Dad. I'm as regular as the sunrise and as solid as bedrock, and I enjoy my kids, and I enjoy teaching and learning with them.

RDMercer

Yikes, those are some pretty scary threats that she's thrown at you . Even if you know those things aren't rational or likely to happen, it's still cruel of her to put them in your head. Especially considering the possibility that she put a lot of thoughts like that in your head over the years.

It'll all be okay somehow, and we'll be here for you.

JMHO, but I think the slow pace things are proceeding is potentially beneficial to you. Speaking from personal experience (which may not apply to you obviously), as a good enabler and codependent, I have a history of placating, playing nice, and reactively saying "how high" whenever someone says "jump." If you also have some of those tendencies, it's good for you to engage in a slower process for your own benefit, and has the biproduct of potentially being frustrating for those other people who are used to calling the shots and pushing you around. It's potentially empowering, and can help prevent mistakes of things not well thought through- which can be one of the reasons disordered people rush and push us.

With my DD, a lot of time the validating looks like discussions about healthy behavior and boundaries. She's able to view H as someone who's disordered, and with a lot of issues which are his and his alone. But like you know, you can't get blood from a turnip, so the focus is on healthier relationship behaviors for the future, which sometimes means that past issues come up in contrast. And sometimes, when those past events are discussed, they're in the context of how I could have and should have handled them with better and stronger boundaries. I can't change what's happened, but hopefully she can have a little better platform for her future relationships.

Good for you for recognizing that the intensity of the new woman might not be a good thing. I don't think I've brought it up on your threads, but there's a YouTuber who goes by "The Crappy Childhood Fairy" who helps people deal with trauma and CPTSD. One of the most common topics is that those of us with trauma backgrounds have a tendency to enter turbulent relationships readily because healthy ones feel boring by comparison. We're just so used to the drama and excitement. Once again, slow and steady wins the race.

Have a great time with your daughter. That sounds like fun.

Oh yes..... I placated things a lot by playing nice, and saying, "IMMEDIATELY, HOW HIGH?"

So, slowing things down is new and good.

I can actually feel myself changing as a person.

My wife isn't used to NOT being in control. She tried to sell the house while we were in it. I got a call from a realtor who told me she said, the house was going to sell on the timelines she said, for the price she said, and that I would have the house prepped for sale, and would accomodate all open houses and visits.

Um. No.

He said he'd been trying to tell her that and she didn't accept it.

In fact, she didn't accept it that he wasn't allowed to show the house if the occupants that were there declined a visit. He was supposed to just come on in with prospective buyers.

So, she has since told me that she now has two lawyers, one for the divorce and one that specializes in real estate law, and she is suing me for not selling the home, and that she is going to charge me rent for the time that I am living in the home.

When I told her, over text, that me and the kids have nowhere to go, her reply was, "Not my problem." Well.... Yeah, actually, it partially is your problem.

Reality is going to hit her hard.

I still love her. She's damaged, and toxic, and she's not coming back, but I love her.

RDMercer

Do you have these threats from her in writing like emails and texts?

Yes, I do.

RDM

((((RD)))))

Wow. Those things that you've shared she's done, are awful. No one should be subjected to that level of abuse and incivility.

That's great that you feel yourself changing. Does it feel like healing at this point?

It's not her narrative anymore.