Trying to move forward

The other thread reached 450 posts.

Time for a new one.

Thanks everyone for the support and the good advice.

RDMercer

Your other thread was Grieving my Marriage just in case other members want to better understand your journey.

Starting a new chapter?

Well, it has to be a new chapter.

I'm grieving. Even going through and packing stuff yesterday I was grieving.

But this is not something I can fix. My kids need some stability.

My oldest is talking about college this year instead of working. To me, that means he's feeling more secure.

My wife said something to me last weekend about recognizing the effects of my actions. Odd, but she doesn't recognize the effect of her own.

She likes to blame, be the victim, and accept no blame.

I'm going to have to just let her crash and shield us.

YES! This is what your children wanted you to see so desperately. Your wife’s cold control and self absorption left them constantly stressed rather then having a home they could feel safe in so they could grow and develop their own sense of self. They don’t really know how to articulate this feeling. You all felt a “fear” when your wife entered the picture. That is a red flag that someone is a threat to personal safety

You have the ability to be present for your children in a healthy playful way. Your wife simply doesn’t but instead is all about her need for control. On top of this your wife was living her life with regulating herself from one drink to another. Within that lifestyle came the circular mood swings where others never know what mood she will present. Even when it’s positive it’s still all about HER.

Do you really want your children to feel that this is their fault? Like you do? Do you want them to believe they are not good enough? This will set them up to ending up with an unhealthy partner often believing they are not being loved because they failed.

It’s only been a short time that you have experienced a home environment that is safer and you can play and engage your children. Now you will have a chance to see how life can be without this negative unpredictable presence

RD, I apologize if my post came off a bit flippant. The last update of yours that I saw (on the other thread), felt optimistic to me. You're in a decidedly difficult situation and doing a great job, hard as it probably feels at times.

Thoughts and prayers continue to be with you.

Thank you, but I didn't take any offense.

RDM

^^^^^^^ This...... you're coming along, RD! You're making great progress. This is awesome to read. Yes, you have to let her crash, because this is what she has created for herself, all on her own.

Our oldest is a good kid. When the doors blew off everything back in August he stepped up to try to become 2nd source of income.

Like I said, things are levelling out some, and bills are getting paid.

I talked to him about finances, and he just slumped and said, "If we're ok, then I'd like a chance to get an education. I don't think I want this responsibility yet. I can still work enough to pay my phone bill and pay the internet bill for the house."

That is a good sign! That he feels secure enough to go to school is a good sign!

Your oldest wanted to make sure his younger siblings would be safe. He saw more than you and now that you are seeing things better it’s freeing him.

Struggling today. I'm questioning a lot.

My kids' counselors advised them they are better off with me and to put up strong boundaries with their mother.

So, I talked today about behaviors and words that were really concerning from mom.

In my mind, my wife's accusations that I manipulated the kids and drove them away from her, that I drove her out of our home, and that I spoke to the kids about things that belonged between us, and built a financial plan with our oldest instead of her are all ringing loudly.

This is always the issue... the partial truth, or the truth without context, and never any blame on her part.

I feel so much guilt and am questioning a lot this evening.

It’s going to take you time to allow yourself to see more realities verses how you wanted to see things.

Children can’t grow and develop creatively if they are too busy surviving. Your children are not lying, they really need to be heard and learn how to be safe. Your wife is just going to twist things and confuse you.

You didn’t drive her away, she wanted out. Don’t fall into the guilt trap.

I might use the word "responsibility" rather than blame.

Not accepting any responsibility for the pain she caused.

Not taking on a positive, responsible role as a partner, as a parent, and as a self.

I'm really sorry that she did these things to you, to your kids, and to herself.

Disordered behaviors that you have described causes cognitive dissonance which is what you have been describing in your confused mind. This is much harder on children because they want to feel loved and safe with a parent but the parents behaviors are confusing and scary.

If a child expresses a concern about feeling safe it’s important they are heard.

A way to move forward is to not absorb or internalize your wife's accusations and blame. You listen to her words, and you absorb them as truth. You're going to need to stop doing that in order to truly heal and move forward. Her accusations and blame TWIST the truth - she does not take ANY responsibility for the breakdown of the marriage. Absorb your own truth in the matter. Absorb and internalize within you that you are not going to accept her blame and false accusations. Stop listening to her. Listen to yourself. Tell yourself what the truth is - live in your own reality and truth.

A problem in our marriage was that my wife felt I was not very emotionally intelligent, and she didn't feel "felt".

If you have ever committed to marriage counselling, you will probably have heard of Gottman. It became extremely important for me to connect with my wife and for her to feel heard and felt.

I began down that path in 2013 and I almost went crazy from it. By 2019 I was starting to put up boundaries.

What I found was: there was nothing I could say or do that made her feel like I was on her side or that I loved her or supported her. I "felt" her deeply, and it felt like there was no bottom to her emotional state. It felt like she was utterly consumed with pain.

I started putting up boundaries because I was breaking from co-experiencing what she was experiencing.

One of us had to remain more functional.

In 2020, when everything shut down due to Covid, that was when I began to see that she wasn't even able to empathize with what the kids were experiencing. Her pain was the biggest. She couldn't manage her own emotional and mental state let alone be a support.

The times she and I felt the closest were the times that I assumed the most of her pain and immersed myself the most in her depression.

Anytime that she has found fault with me, the way to come out of it with closeness was to hear and validate her emotions.

Putting up boundaries more in the past two years, and big boundaries now, is unfamiliar to me.

I still very much want to "reach" her.

So, this is hard.

Thanks everyone,

RDM

Was your wife ever diagnosed with anything?

Meds for depression and anxiety.

She grew up in a borderline home and was in treatment for that for years.

RDM

First all psych meds warn not to mix with alcohol.

RD, you are not in any way responsible for her mental health issues. You can’t fix her and you should not be carrying any guilt. You and your children should not experience fear and discomfort the way you have shared.

This is hard.

I really wanted to be together with her forever. She was the only person I ever wanted to be married to. I have never had "the one who got away" experience. I found my person and kept her.

I can't express anything like that. Our oldest took a lot of anger from his mom. Anything I say, such as that I miss her, or wish things were different, or anything, of the kind results in him becoming quiet and distant. We talked a long time last night. He very much needs someplace safe to attach to, and a safe person who won't make him feel like he is second place.

It's hard to mourn in silence, it is hard to move forward with love and no anger towards my wife, but I am NOT going to become one of those marriage naysayers or divorced men who bash their ex. I won't. I loved her, completely. I accepted her.

I'm also not going to give up easily. She isn't going to damage us financially in the long term when the only person that gains will be her. I won't pick a fight, but I darn well will stand up for our futures.

And THAT is hard. My wife was very, very giving in our early years. We alternately were the "bread winner".

Anyway.... Hard day.

Good thing I'm so tough.