Dating After Divorce and Life Transitions

AND.... I am VERY happy that Jay asked me about him being able to visit again on Tue - I wanted HIM to bring it up first and I didn't want to initiate.. I wanted him to initiate, and he did. He brought it up, so I said yes.

I also told him about the dude in Oregon who also used to scream at me and chase me around his house.... just like my ex husband did. Jay noted that and asked if my father had done something to me as a child.....

initially, I said, no, nothing like that, which is true because my father never yelled at me and we did not grow up in a yelling or screaming type of household... but he did ask, and now I feel I should tell him that my father essentially was emotionally abusive to me..... and that that's how I ended up in several abusive relationships. I didn't really mean to talk about this with him so early on, but it just came out within the context of our conversation about my travels out west several years ago.

Oh man... I am almost afraid to tell him that I had been abused.... not sure I want this history known so early on. But I feel I should tell him a bit more about my father since he did ask. It's uncomfortable for me to talk about with someone new and so soon.... Maybe I'll just let it go for now and won't follow up on it until we get to know each other better.

Maybe I'll curb the abuse stories for now.... there's so many of them. I really don't know what to tell Jay about this aspect of my relationship history? The stories just naturally occur and come up in conversation. What do I do?

You are building the foundation of what you want to be a healthy relationship now. It’s good to think about how you want to approach the narrative with a new partner. It sounds like you are doing a good job so far.

Thanks, Tisha.

Any suggestions on how to approach this topic with him?? I really don't know - my instinct tells me to not divulge everything right now, and to tell him I've had some really good relationships and then some really awful ones... and that yes, my father hadn't been the best to me when I was a kid. Maybe I don't need to tell him just yet that my father abused me... my gut tells me to hold off on that.

Also, Jay and I talked on the phone for over an hour last night. I was telling him how I don't like any yelling, & that I am a peaceful, no drama kind of person. He says, oh yeah? We'll see in six months how that unfolds... he was joking. But I told him, thanks for the vote of confidence. lol.

What I liked about this conversation and what I am sharing with you here is that I think he's looking at this long-term. If he weren't, why would he even bring up six months from now? It made me happy to hear that he's thinking and looking at things this way... that maybe I could be a longer-term partner for him. Because that's how I am viewing him - as a potential longer-term partner and not just for now or fun for now.

Absolutely. He is feeling out what to expect with you and expressing desire for a relationship with you. Trust your instincts in what you want to tell him. You don’t need others to tell you. Trust yourself.

Yes, I think he is.... I will trust myself on this one... thanks Tisha!!

I agree. Trust your instinct. You can tell him about your father when you're ready (and I'm so sorry to hear he abused you). Parents leave us with so much baggage.

Thank you.

I think I will hold off on telling him much about my father. That's my gut feeling and I will stick with it. I don't want to confide too much in this guy yet, before true trust is established, and that will take time to develop, if we keep seeing each other.

I had forgotten this part, but in the car ride out of state the other day with Jay and his buddy, Jay had made a couple of snarky comments towards me that I didn't appreciate. It could have been an attempt at sarcastic humor, and I think these comments were an attempt at humor. I live in an area where sarcastic comments run amuck... sarcasm is very much a part of the culture here, and he is from my state originally.

Nonetheless, I am going to watch out for this behavior.... if it becomes a pattern, then he may not be longer-term for me. I am on alert. These comments did hurt my feelings, they took me aback somewhat, and made me feel like he was trying to make a dig at me. I didn't like it. Typically, I am not a fan of sarcastic humor when it is directed at me as a humorous dig. I don't appreciate that kind of humor.

I can’t stand the kind of humor, already snarky comments and you two barely know each other, but it could be his style. He sounds like he in general perhaps has simple tastes and simple life style? Are his friends the type that thinking that it’s a macho thing to make fun of women and put them down? I hope I am wrong on this but I wonder if you could do better than this type

He just spent many hours with me - since yesterday at 3 PM and he just left now at 11 AM. Not one single snarky comment, so that's good.

AND.... I need help. I am FREAKING OUT.....

I had a job interview yesterday, with the hiring manager of the law firm, the VP of marketing. I had already had an hour long interview with the HR Director, and figured the meeting with the VP would focus on different topics, and not on why left each company or what happened in each job, which is what I had covered already with HR.

Well, this VP, the hiring manager, dug into what happened in my last job. He asked me directly, what were you hired to do???? He must have been suspicious about something in order to ask this. My job title doesn't really add up given the responsibilities I ended up with.

So, I had to tell him that I was hired to do a different job than the one I ended up doing. I felt at this point, it was necessary to explain what happened, because he asked a direct question! I was CORNERED!!!!!

So, I ended up divulging that I had been hired to do one job, but had to take a medical leave of absence, and I had to reveal that my doctor had recommended a modified position upon my return! ARGH!!!!!

Then, this VP who was interviewing me, asked what my supervisor's name was - this is the second time I've been asked this in an interview! What was your supervisor's name, as though they wanted to contact my supervisor to ask them about me and what happened there! So I gave him his name and he asked how my relationship was with my supervisor.

We didn't even discuss ANYTHING to do with my qualifications for this job, my interests in working for them, or why I felt I was the right fit!!!! He focused PRIMARILY on this career snaffoo that occurred in my last job and I knew right then and there that was doomed!!!!!

I received a rejection letter 20 minutes after hanging up on the call, after the interview ended. The interview was also scheduled to be an hour.. it lasted a half an hour!

What the heck am I going to do????? Has this last job, a serious hiccup in my career path, going to ruin ALL my chances of getting a job?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?! I am SO UPSET - I couldn't help the fact that I had to take a mental health leave of absence..... my resume otherwise is STELLAR, and I've been told it is a fantastic resume by employers and recruiters....... can't an employer look past one single snafoo in my career path????

Maybe they want someone who can do power point and excel. Try to look at it logically, not emotionally. Altho IME, office people are just gossipy old ladies - if they smell a soap opera, they want all the gorey details. They are disgusting. Obviously i've been the victim of that.

And it's snafu - "situation normal - all effed up." Not sure that's the right word though?

Thats why i say try to emphasize the logical. Maybe get a certificate in something.

I can do powerpoint and excel... now I can, better than I could at least.

My mother says that this guy was clearly an uptight man working in an uptight law firm. She thought he sounded like a huge a-hole, & like someone I wouldn't want to work for anyways... I mean, come on.. if you cannot forgive a need for medical leave and an altered job as a result, then they're going to be uptight about everything.

This job was remote, not in an office, so no office crap to deal with. I've worked remotely for 8 years....

I may need to up my skill set through a certificate, freelance, contract or start my own biz... I just don't know what I am going to do.

ARGH! AND, I had a female roommate, all set to move in on April 1, and it fell through!!!!!!!!

WHY is all this CRAP happening to me?!?!? I am beside myself. I cannot catch a single break in life lately, and it's most distressing.. nothing is going well, except for things with Jay.

What is your plan B? If you are finding this job search is going to be a long one and unemployment will not last forever, what other options do you have in the interim? Is it time to consider moving in with your mother? She seems supportive and that would give you some breathing room while you continue to find the right work situation. You need a plan B to help reduce some of the stress.

Get a different roommate. And maybe take lower paid job. You would possibly afford rent with a roommate. Moving with mom would be the best bet though

I found this great article. I think it’s very useful
How to Apply for a New Job After You’ve Been Fired

I wasn't exactly fired because I received severance pay and unemployment benefits. I was let go because my "skill set didn't match their needs". So I wasn't a good fit. Bu that article may still be helpful, @divine1966, so thank you....

I will still advertise for a roommate.... I am not giving up yet. I will not move in with mom until/unless things get dire and I have to break my lease after June rolls by.. I have at least 5-6 more months of unemployment benefits. If I can get a roommate by May 1, it will help me financially, and I can possibly take a lower salaried job.

But I will not give up... one thing I do know.

I wonder if you should apply for a job that matches your skills and responsibilities that you had after medical leave. You could say that you were hired to do XYZ but in the process it turned out you are great at ABC and now that’s what you want to do. Your previous employer maybe had no need for your skills at the moment but other employers might need exactly what you have to offer. It might be lower pay but it might be something you could do long term

I have tried applying for content related jobs, and no bites.