Dating After Divorce and Life Transitions

Wow. Just logged in and found your new thread and it is humming!

It certainly sounds reasonable to discuss his views and habits regarding porn and strip clubs.

I do have to weigh in on the mention of porn as a "crime scene" - I doubt most of the mainstream porn sites would risk posting criminal activity because their sites would be shut down for police investigation, losing them $$$. I would be interested in seeing the article you reference. I've read several life stories of women in porn, and it pays well enough that there will never be a shortage of women who will do it. That said, many women in the sex trades come from troubled childhoods including sexual and physical abuse, rape and incest. These are not nice industries and most porn is not a nice thing. I wrote an article about the portrayal of women in porn for a friend's thesis project. In a word: subjugation.


That said, a whopping number of men view porn regularly. A quick Google search gives figures from 42 percent to 80 percent of men have looked at it in the past week. I'm not sure guys these days ever self-pleasure without it. (?) Young guys anyway.

Good luck with the discussion.

Thank you....

I want the 20-58% of men who don't watch porn. I was aware of the fact that a large portion of men do watch porn... porn is one of the highest searched search terms on Google each month globally.

I am so dead set against it, that I cannot bring myself to date anyone who watches it while we are together in a committed relationship.

I do have some flexibility within me though around this topic. If a guy is single and uses it to self pleasure, then I have far less of a problem with it because I do see it as a tool for that, a tool which makes it far easier... and when a man is single, well, he doesn't have a partner to do those things for him.

BUT, when a man is in a committed, loving relationship, that's where I draw the line.

I've also read articles about how damaging porn can be to a committed couple. So there are articles that back up my stance on it being damaging.

I suspect that my husband was lying to me and secretly using porn. We stopped having sex, for the most part. And he would spend long periods of time in the bathroom with his phone or iPad. I grew to be very resentful of the sexual neglect - I would bring it up to him as being an issue, when weeks would go by without sex. I would bring up the fact that he was constantly buried in his phone, 24/7, and that we weren't having sex, and he would become very defensive over this and would flip it all around on me by telling me, well I'm only on my phone when you're on your computer. But this wasn't true. He was always on his phone, and in the bathroom too.

I was neglected sexually, and I am still a very sexual person at the age of 52. I need and want sex more than 1-2 times per month, which is what we had. I want sex a few times a week!!! ARGH. He was SO maddening in SO many ways.

And I wouldn't put it past him to have lied to me about using porn.

Yes it’s very damaging for couples sex life. Many can’t even have normal relationship because of it.

But in a long run it doesn’t even matter if porn is great and strip clubs are awesome. Wanting or not wanting a particular kind of partner doesn’t make one controlling or unreasonable. I wouldn’t date or marry men who smoke weed. It’s pointless to argue that it’s legal and very good for you. I don’t care if it’s the best thing ever. And it doesn’t mean I want to control who smokes weed. Lol they are free to smoke all day every day! They just aren’t going to be my partners! No one is obligated to date anyone.

Of course it’s harder to find out if they watch porn than other things but usually if they lie about that, they lie about other things. And as we get older it should be easier to spot liars. Just have to pay close attention

I agree - and I have standards now that I may not have had in the past with potential partners.

I don't mind weed - as long as it's not a real addiction - that's where I draw the line. If it's used daily but if we go on a trip, can they do without it for a few days? My husband could not go without it and became extremely cranky and difficult on our honeymoon, and when he didn't have weed. That told me right then that it was an addiction.

Jay smokes weed.... I smoke weed on occasion, but more so I eat edibles. So, I cannot be a hypocrite about this.

What I want to know is:
(1) is he responsible or irresponsible
(2) is weed an addiction or can he do without
(3) can he do without strip clubs and porn, or does he need these in his life
(4) how does he treat ME, very importantly
(5) is he emotionally stable/healthy
(6) is he emotionally available, communicative, and mature
(7) does he have strong morals and ethics and is he decent, respectful, and kind

Of course there's much more to consider like religious and political beliefs and overall values, but these are the questions and answers I want to get to the bottom of with him, as we get to know each other better.

Yes that’s why we all have different deal breakers. And ones aren’t better than others. Just different.

Yes you have your own personal expectations and standards and have rights to pursue someone according to those.

Like weed for you it’s a non issue. For me I don’t want it in my life. Different deal breaker

But I am married to someone who has different political views than mine. Yes it’s annoying at times but not a deal breaker. I can live with it. As long as it’s not in my face. But I know people who’d not marry someone whose political views differ. They have a different deal breaker. We also have different religious beliefs. It’s a non issue as we respect each others faith, and honor both traditions. I know people for whom different faith is a deal breaker. And it’s perfectly fine! But I have many deal breakers that are non issues for others. And it’s just fine!

We are all different! That’s the beauty of it.

This is very important and I am SO glad you brought it up! People have various dealbreakers and tolerance levels, which differ and are very subjective and individual. Weed is not a dealbreaker for me, but addictions are.

Political and religious views? It just depends for me. Jay is more conservative politically and is Republican, while I am liberal and a Democrat. I am not yet sure if this is a problem or not.... only time will tell, along with all my other questions.

This thread got me thinking about what the real deal breakers were in all my relationships. The answer was simply the commitment just didn’t feel right. I got into the relationship that became exclusive, committed, and felt uncomfortable, and wanted to be out of it.

The commitment happened from the start, without first just being friends, learning all the things about each other that are the kinds of deal breakers mentioned on this thread. You never really know your boundaries until someone crosses them.

I was so not political when I met my husband. But in recent years, realized we have very different opinions, and I resented his attitude. I couldn’t have known that when we met, or that might have been a deal breaker. But, in reality, even that wasn’t the actual deal breaker.

The real thing was very simply how I feel about being committed to them. It was a feeling of losing myself due to being colored by them as my partner. It was not just fear of enmeshment, actual engulfment.

There could be all the incompatible behaviors and opinions in the world, they may not actually be deal breakers. There could be complete similarity and compatibility, and it could just be that i have a compulsive deep-seated fear that won’t allow me to feel content, secure attachment and stay with a partner in comfort and happiness.

This was a huge issue to have had in your marriage. I’m sure you must have had conversations around why he preferred himself rather than connect with you and match libidos.

We never talked about it - he would get SO defensive every time I mentioned it that I would shy away from the convo. Then, when I complained about not having enough sex, he would say we'll work on that, but then would just continue neglecting me.

We never even had spontaneous makeout sessions.. the only time we really made out was with sex, which was infrequent. I love making out and I love doing it frequently. I need a partner who is just as sexually expressive as I am. I want more than just a kiss goodbye in the morning. That's not enough for me.

It could be porn but could be excessive smoking too. I heard that people who are perpetually stoned lose interest in sex and often can’t engage in sexual activity. I think it was maybe a combination of things with your ex. He is sure a piece of work

I can’t believe it he keeps offering money. It’s supcious how he even has all this money

Yeah, it could be the weed. I also suspect that it was yet another way to exert control over the relationship AND over me. He knew, multiple times over, that I wanted and needed more intimacy. But it was always for one reason or another that we couldn't, even when we planned on it... too much stress, too tired, he's in pain, or there's too much going on.... there was always a reason.

I think he may have received his inheritance money, since the latest was he wanted to offer me $2,000. I declined, even though later he told me a portion would be for splitting the cost of the chair. My mom and I talked at length about this. IF I continue to accept money from him, I will be beholden to him and obligated to remain in touch.

We had already agreed that he will give me more of our refund money, if we get a tax refund this year..... that will cover the cost of the chair.

Don't take any money from your ex until after you are officially divorced with a final judgement of divorce signed by a judge.

Depending on the state, it could be viewed as an attempt to reconcile and delay your divorce proceedings. This happened to a friend of mine in Massachusetts.

The tax filing and splitting refund is not the same as him giving you his cash, no matter how he gets the cash. Splitting a tax refund or him paying any tax owed would not affect your proceedings.

Good point. He could say I offered money if she comes back to me and she’s now accepting money. So she’s considering coming back so please give us more time judge

WOW, I wasn't aware of that on the legal and divorce front!!! My mom just gave me money to pay him back for things he's bought me recently. So I will owe nothing, and he will have given me nothing, except for the tax refund. So glad to know this... and I am in Massachusetts.

Your mom is wise

She is! Not always, but with this issue, she has been. Thank goodness.

Soo..... I think I just decided on a new roommate!! She is 59, works at the Children's Hospital, and is super sweet, down to earth, easy going and kind.... I liked her a lot!!

The benefits of having a roommate outweigh the additional costs to myself....I've been thinking on it more. And the fact that I met a woman I really liked makes a huge difference in the decision making process. She already wants to move in, and I told her I have 1 more person looking at the apartment. But I've made up my mind -- I want her to move in.

That’s good. I’d say 59 year old woman is in general easier to deal with than a young guy. Do you have your second bedroom set up for moving in? You have a bed for her or you need to buy one? And will you share a bathroom or she’d have her own?

NO, the second bedroom is not even ready! I have four A/C units in there, plus some other belongings that I need all moved out by the 1st, which is Sat....

I have NO idea how I will move all of that out in time... I could potentially ask her to move in Sunday, the 2nd, so I can have Sat to clear everything out... ?!? OR, since Jay is now visiting me Tue night, perhaps he can help me move out the A/C units Wed morning.... that's possible.

The two bathrooms are shared - the shower in the 2nd bathroom is useless, so that's why they're shared. Plus, it's more convenient to share. One bathroom is right next to the living room.

She has a bed of her own, but nothing else. She lived on a boat in Florida, and just moved back to Massachusetts due to family needs. She is originally from MA. She doesn't have much furniture right now.