I have been in an abusive relationship for 27 years.

hi everyone,

I have been in an abusive relationship for 27 years. I didn't realize my hubby is a communal narcissist until couple months ago. The last 27 years I have tried to live through his abusive behaviors. Whenever he was angry, he was on the tough of his lung by screaming, cursing my entire family & me included my passed away dad whom he has never met( my dad passed away before I met my hubby). In my household, he is always right. He always gaslights me for his mistakes. He has no problem cursing me in front of other people. You probably ask why I am still with him. We have 2 kids together and a business. Besides his blow ups movements, he is a good husband and dad to our children. But I feel like walking on the eggshells around my own home. He can get angry easily and he would shut me out for weeks after each exploded anger. Each time he would threaten to leave me and my kids. Recently we had a small incident, not even my fault, he started to curse my family and me while my younger daughter in the car with us. He said my parents are dogs and give birth to dogs. he also said that he does not value me in a relationship with him and it hurts a lot and I was silent the entire ride and pretended like nothing has happened but deep down from my heart, I am hurt so deeply. Yesterday he said it again and he wants a divorce and he said that he wants freedom. I am so done at this point. I am reaching a breaking point. However, why do I still feel so hurt and mourning this relationship? I know he is not worth for my mental health. Should I move forward with a divorce? I don't like a divorce and go through this while I am reaching my early 50. I am mourning that I have wasted my 27 years of life for the man who doesn't value me. Please give me some advice. I need help. I thank you in advance for your feedbacks.

No, he is not a good husband. Nor is he a good father. He is abusive. If you stay with him, this is exactly how your life will unfold - he will abuse you, demean you and traumatise your children.

Worse, your daughter will learn from *you*: violence and abuse by males is acceptable and she should just take it. Is that the lesson you want to teach her?

Get yourself a therapist you can talk to and work on self confidence skills. I disagree that he’s a good father. Good fathers don’t belittle their wife’s at all much less in front of the kids. It is unfamiliar territory to divorce and unfamiliar is scary.

Hi

I'm much like you. There's a lot I had to confront jn the past year.

I really, really believe in long term commitment too.

There is a cyclical nature in borderline relationships of ideation, frustration, degradation/anger, distancing (threatening divorce), and then coming back around.

My wife threatened divorce regularly, almost monthly, for years.

Finally *she* couldn't take my abuse and lack of commitment. We separated in January.

It hurts a lot.

You'll be able to see my progression and changing in my thinking in the part year by reading my posts.

I posted a summary on thd Personality Place Borderline Personality forum a couple of days ago.

Keep something in mind..... Whatever you allow in your home becomes normalized for your kids. You have hard choices to make, and so does your spouse. Read my post on the Borderline forum, please.

RDM

Sometimes these outbursts happen when a spouse is having an affair or cheats. They need you to become the bad guy to relieve their own guilt.

Now that he is asking for a divorce it could be the affair has gotten more serious.

I'm going to take a completely alternate view point on this one for a moment.

It's in our nature on this board to be supportive of someone who posts, but self examination is important too.

I'm not wishing my situation onto you. I self examined for years wondering what I was doing wrong. BUT, going to a counselor and saying, "Is this me, am I perceiving this incorrectly," may be valid.

My wife tore me apart for years, and I was certain it was my fault. It changed when the kids became older and I began to see them receive her anger too, and began to see them be frustrated and gaslit like I was.

BUT.... My wife remains convinced that this is all a grand manipulation perpetrated by me to turn the kids against her. The anger we have all seen from her never occurred, and in fact, it was her receiving my boundless anger and insults, she says.

This is what is real to her. This is what her senses, and her perceptions, are telling her is occurring. Just as I have been going to a counselor, she has also been going to a counselor, lamenting how poorly she is treated at home.

What you are experiencing sounds horrible. What you are experiencing sounds familiar. What you are experiencing sounds a lot like a borderline personality pattern. Before you make a decision, self examination is important.

That is a hard one to hear, but it is true. Self examination is important. Make sure your feelings on this are accurate.

Something can feel very, very real, and terrible, and overwhelming, but still not be reflective of the actual events or the verbal exchanges that happen.

Ask your partner to go to couples counselling. Address these perceptions with another person in the room.

My wife refused every request for couples counselling, family counselling, or counselling with just her and the kids for years. Ultimately I was able to say, "She is right in her own mind, but that is all."

Consider examining and ruling out your own perceptions first.

Approaching a problem from a "Could this be me?" standpoint is important, but you can do it in a way that puts accountability onto your partner as well.

The next time your partner gets insulting you can say, "It really hurts when you talk like that. I don't think I deserve it. I don't want to lose what we worked so hard for. Will you commit to couples counselling with me? I want to talk with someone about these things."

Just some ideas.

RDMercer

hi RD Mercer,

My husband never allow me to talk or say anything. If I talked, I might get beat up. He already curse and on the top of his lung and he will continue to carry his anger day after day even week after week. He has anger issues which he inherited from his dad. His dad used to beat his mom so often when he was young. He told me that and all his cousins witnessed it and told me about his dad too. His cousins whom I am close with also recommended me to divorce him too. They love him, don't get me wrong. He treats them(his cousins) and outside people very well and generous. None of my good friends know about my suffer and his personality disorder at home. He always acts as a perfect husband to our neighbor and friends. When he is happy, he would do anything for me and my kids. however, his anger would lit up so fast and he would exploded even a tiny thing. For example, one time my younger daughter's good friend 's birthday was coming up, I wanted to send a cake to my daughter's good friend but it happened my daughter's friend was on vacation and her family lives in a apartment, so I couldn't send the cake until she came back on the 15th of the month. On the 15th , It happened I had very bad allergies on that day and took a lot of Benadryl for the next few days. I was very drowsy and slept most of the days. 2 days later which was the 17th, my husband asked me while I was sleeping due to the Benadryls if I sent the cake to my daughter's friend, I sat up and said " oh I totally forgot about it and would do it now". My husband all suddenly exploded and pointed his index finger to my face and said " if you want to live with me, you better don't forget thing" his anger lit up like a wildfire or like some devil had processed him. He continued cursed me the entire evening and shut me out for weeks. He acted like I had committed a big crime. My younger daughter(14 years old) came to comfort me and told me that what 's a big deal If the birthday gift was 2 days late. My daughter said " that is very abusive of him" Of course, she comforted me without her father present. During this time, my eldest daughter was in college and stayed in the dorm. This is just an example of my husband exploded his anger.

I know he does not have any affair. He just has an anger issues.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

My DH is also one who threatens divorce every few months. At least he did until one time last year when it didn't have the desired effect of putting me into my place - where my fear of abandonment is triggered. Unfortunately or not, repeated exposure to his behavior has somewhat dulled that old fear. I stopped giving into it, and that apparently scared him.

These people are about exerting control over you, not about having any kind of mutually beneficial relationship.

Of course it hurts to be treated the way he is treating you. Love doesn't act that way. Love supports, it doesn't tear down. Love communicates, it doesn't manipulate. It's very hard to begin looking at your relationship with different eyes.

Do you think he honestly wants a divorce? Or do you think he's just saying that to control and hurt? The last time mine threatened and I stood up to him, he seemed to panic and began to backpedal. It wasn't the reaction he expected or wanted.

Are you able and ready to leave? Only you know your circumstances and what the best move for you is at this moment. That decision can change at any time- it's up to you.

Have to agree strongly with RD about self inventory. There's a reason why we put up with their garbage, so it can be helpful to learn more about yourself and seek growth for your own benefit. Even if you remain in the relationship at this point, you can still work on yourself, build better boundaries, and learn to take care of yourself.

If he's a narcissist like you think, counseling with him would probably be a waste of time. They lack the insight and capacity for personal growth generally, and are prone to using manipulation and lies in any situation to get their way and win. Which means you have to lose.

Sending a big old hug your way. You sound like you need it today.

you are right. I recently shared it with my husband's cousin and she said the same thing like you said. Thank you for your advice.

Thank you so much for your hugs and great advice.

in the past I thought he has bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder but it only matches a few symptoms when I came crossed online about communal narcissist. it matches him 100%. I found this out in December 2022. I have felt so much pain because I know nothing can change him except I walk away from this marriage. I have put up with him over the years because I was so blinded and didn't know what I have experienced was an abused relationship. you are right, he asked for a divorce to scare me again but this time I asked him if that is what he wants and he said why I put the ball in his hands. He threaten me that he will kill himself. I think he manipulates me again.

Wow.

That's abuse and manipulation. Threatening suicide and divorce, along with everything else you've said is abuse and manipulation.

Thank you for not being insulted or getting upset with my suggestion for self examination.

Please go ahead and proceed with a divorce. This will not improve, not ever, he will never change and it will only get worse and worse as time goes on.

I was in a very similar position as you are with my abusive husband, whom I am now divorcing. He exploded on me in very similar rages over nothing, blamed me for everything, he gaslit me all the time, and never took responsibility for his harmful actions towards me.

Finally., I had had enough and I kicked him out of our home... not once but twice. I did give him a second chance, after kicking him out the first time. He moved back in, and was good for a few months, or almost one year, with a few flare ups -- we even went to couples therapy and he attended individual therapy for a year, but he only just manipulated our therapist into thinking that I was the problem! After about a year, he then he reverted right back to the same old abusive and gaslighting behaviors and I had to kick him out again. Our divorce will finalize in about 100 days.

I am 52 years old and felt the same exact way as you - how can I start over at this age?

Well, starting over is easier than living with constant fear of abuse.... and the insults, gaslighting and frequent rages.

Please don't do that to yourself. Please, care enough about your well being and sense of self respect to put an end to the abuse.

If you need additional support, there are loads of abuse support groups you can join on Facebook that are free. Tons of women and men who are leaving their spouses due to abuse. I have found these groups to be invaluable to me through the leaving, separation and divorce process. You need support and strengthening, but most importantly right now is to say enough is enough and end it once and for all.

He sounds awful. No he’s not a good husband or father. He’s truly awful. You can start over at any age and in fact there’s nothing wrong with being single. Much better than in abusive marriage.

Plus your kids learn from him. They are learning what’s appropriate. They’ll grow thinking that’s how marriage supposed to be

Thank you so much ladies & gentlemen for your supportive advices. I feel like all suddenly I have gained virtual family members. I feel empowered and no longer have fear. Believe or not, my kids are stronger and smarter than me. Since my eldest child was 14 years old,(8 years ago) she had pointed out about her dad’s abusiveness and told me that I should leave her dad but I thought he just has anger issues and I was hoping that one day he would change. I was also afraid of going through a divorce because my younger daughter was only 8 years old. My younger daughter was afraid the family breakup and she had told me many times that she had always prayed for our family to be together. Fast forward, 8 years later, my younger daughter is 15 years old ( going to be 16 soon) and she has wished that she and I should escape from her dad. Both my children saw the problems too. They said that their dad have traumatized them. They have been seeing therapists separately. One thing I am happy about my kids that they are very strong individuals. I once again thank you all for your supports. I know what I should do with my life now . I rather be single and no longer live in fear.

No worries. Because your wife is the abuser and so if you thought I was an abuser, not surprised me at all. Besides I only wrote a short paragraph and couldn’t tell all my stories in details.

In general, couple counseling isn’t recommended in abusive marriages. Individual counseling instead is a good suggestion. Couples counseling with someone who engages in extreme verbal abuse, screams, curses, calls people degrading names and belittles their spouse in front of their children isn’t someone to go to couples counseling with. No therapist would ever recommend that

That’s a good point. I’ve met women who thought every man was an abuser and cheater because that’s the kind of men they know.

No, I don't generalize and say "all men are like this" or "all women are like this".

I also didn't assume you were the abuser elephantmangoes. I was just saying perception and self examination is important.

My wife has told numerous people outside our home about the abuse she has to endure from me. I don't think she's being manipulative. I think she truly believes she is the one that is wronged. She refuses to look at her own flawed perceptions.

Like you, things began to change for me when my oldest began to validate the things I was experiencing. And like you I was reluctant to say my wife was abusive with the things she said. My oldest child was the first to label it like that.

I was so verbally beaten down I didn't believe I had the strength or ability to move forward. Once we separated I was emotionally devastated for weeks, and hopeless. Then it began to improve.

I'm becoming stronger. The members on this board were a huge support to me.

You are good enough, and smart enough, and strong enough to move forward too.

RDM

Hi Have Hope,
Thank you so much for sharing your story. What you have described is exactly what I have been going through. I feel relieved that I am not alone. I still can't believe that I have put up this long. I finally see the light at the end of a tunnel. It will be a scary road ahead and will be rough emotionally and physically. I believe that I will go through it and come out alive one day hopefully . I will continue to come to this forum for mental supports. Hopefully one day , I could tell you all that I am healed. It won't be easy on my end because I have invested so much time and energy for this marriage.