And So It Goes On

New post, same subject.

Few weeks ago, my mother resolved to be more positive and take better care of herself. Well, it didn't last long. Anyone not familiar with her behaviour, she's difficult and narcissistic. Okay, she has health problems and can only go out when someone takes her.

My sister-in-law's father died a few weeks ago, so we had all the drama (created by my mother) about his funeral. It's this Wednesday and she's adamant about going. Still time for her to change mind, especially as she's got some dental treatment on Thursday. The saga about my aunt's behaviour towards her is ongoing. When I said why don't you take it up with her, the reply was "I'm not going to cause another family rift". Barb directed at me for historical disagreement with my sister-in-law. So, I'm still being punished!

Fast forward to last weekend. My niece turned 18 on Friday. Celebrated with close family on the day, party with friends on Saturday, then wider family on Sunday. Didn't have to wait long for mother to say how disappointed she was that she hadn't seen her granddaughter on her special day. Travelling to their house, she commented that she must be more positive and not appear to seeking attention and "everything revolving around her". Wow! At the back of my mind did wonder how long this would last because my mother loves an audience. Four hours was time taken before she was telling sis-in-law's friend (usual audience had left by then). Then she'd been on to me about something (won't try to explain as could be lost in translation). Then deliberately asked my brother same question, hoping to get different answer. The look of horror on her face when he said he didn't remember. Journey home was either silence or one word answers.

So nothing's changed. I didn't expect it to. This has happened too many times and in so many guises. In future, not going to discuss with my aunt because she's also someone who dodges anything difficult. Just laughs when anything serious happens.

My Easter weekend already mapped out and doesn't involve anyone but mother. The dental treatment means can't really leave her alone for a couple of days, but I'm planning when I can escape. Brother and family away for weekend. Have already served notice that I'm going out the following one....

I’m sorry that you have to witness the dysfunction that takes place in your family/relatives.

So sorry poshgirl it sounds very difficult, you do well to cope with it.

The dental treatment went well although she looks like she's done 10 rounds with a prize fighter!

I stayed last night and her attitude was okay. Today we've talked. I came home around lunchtime, had soak in bath then phoned to see if she wanted me to go back for another night. Choice left to me, so decided to visit as usual tomorrow and having Easter lunch with her on Sunday.

Know I shouldn't pin anything on this but had interesting conversation earlier. Have told her I'm not interested in anyone else's battles. If I'm directly involved it's different. Obviously problem with my aunt is deeper than I thought.

There's another issue. Have mentioned my sister-in-law's drink problem before. At my niece's birthday party, she constantly had glass in hand. Apparently, my brother told her she's had too much to drunk. However, more serious was she dropped "c bomb" during conversation between group including my mother, niece, sis-in-law's best friend and her daughter. Her friend was visibly shocked and looked straight at me. All I could do was raise eyebrows. Friend then challenged but sis-in-law tried to pass off as using it in context of conversation but nothing had warranted that. Did wonder if mother had heard; today she confirmed she did.

After the problem between sis-in-law and me, mother constantly tried to manipulate me into apologising for what I'd said (about drink problem). I wouldn't, for obvious reasons. I didn't say anymore but thought yes, I'd got it right.

Will see what now transpires.....

Well, what can I say!

My brother asked to meet for a chat. This happened yesterday, he bought me dinner. It was a "cards on the table" talk about mother and the detail stays between us, not even for discussion with my aunt. What I can report is he and I agreed on a lot of things.

He's also been on receiving end of her unacceptable behaviour, mostly when he phones. Terminates the call, not hanging up. I believe him as so much of what he said matched with my experiences. We also talked about historic issues which could have influenced my mother's unacceptable behaviour. There were also some issues he knew nothing about or only had her versions (which weren't true). She's been playing us off against each other, just as her mother did...

He was happy for me to fill in gaps or relate things that he hadn't experienced. There was no blame, instead he wants us to see if we can do more for her without jeopardising our own lives. But, in his words, "it will never be enough".
He also observed how she's alienated her neighbours and has pointed this out to her. He knows nothing will change.

He wasn't too happy with out aunt's comments to me, but recognises others are entitled to their own opinions.

My head has stopped spinning. I feel a great relief that he's witnessed the poor behaviour and agrees it's unacceptable. Result!!

Wow, it sounds like she is going to end up alienating herself from everyone. Sadly, she probably won't understand why. People like that often lack self awareness. Hugs!!

Im glad that you and your brother found some common ground and were able to make a plan together, it’s good to have someone to turn to in these situations, who does know what it can be like.
I wish you all the best. Family can be…. Challenging.

Thanks!

Admit to still being surprised by his change of attitude. Last time I talked to him about mother, he told her everything I'd said. And that problem had been generated by my aunt.

Maybe it's down to a meeting of minds, life experience, lockdown effect. Who knows!

Have been invited to brother's to watch King's Coronation.

Brother at mother's on Tuesday to sort out new cleaner. This time going through Age UK (charity) to find someone more suitable/trustworthy. The most recent one through private company had audacity to fall asleep on bed whilst changing it!! When calling company to end her services, found out company had been sold. New owner had no clue who he was talking about and hadn't even contacted him to introduce herself.

One thing that's come out of my sister-in-law's father's death is he had everything arranged for his funeral and paid for. We're taking mother to funeral directors this week, to sort this out. Should have been done sooner but something you don't really want to think about. Can't work out whether she was surprised or shocked that I will also be there. She still doesn't know about our recent meeting.

And so it goes on....