Dating After Abuse and Dealing With Life Changes

Jay M just called me from the boat, and we had a really nice in depth conversation! I am SO glad he called and it was great to hear from him.

Jay T? Maybe he is love bombing me a bit? I will be cautious.. he is strictly a platonic new friend right now.

And by the way, when I saw my husband to transfer the money at the bank the other day, he asked if I was happy about the money I was receiving. And the answer is twofold: yes and no. I gave him a funny look and told him that I could have gone after far more, but am choosing not to. And it is my guess that a judge would rule in my favor and give me a larger portion of his inheritance since he omitted it and that could be perceived as deception and perjury.

I talked to my mother about this at dinner. To pursue this more legally would be a negative on my mental health. And it would incense my ex, igniting a war between us. I don't need that, and I don't need him sharing personal info about me to all our mutual friends, which is precisely what I know he would do because I've asked him to keep certain things only between us. He knows exactly where and how I am vulnerable, and in knowing how vindictive & vengeful he truly is, I know he would use these things as weapons against me in a war.

No thank you.

It's done, it's over with and there is zero reason for us to be in touch any further, and I've told him this on no uncertain terms. We're done.. and I am moving onwards and upwards!

AND.. a good, positive thing going on. I am going to lead a workshop at my friend's farm in one month on happiness.. I have a blog and a facebook happiness page and she asked me to lead a workshop, so I agreed!

I understand you're trying to recover and perhaps your job search is just getting lost in the mix because the immediate financial issue is solved, but I would mention that the longer you go without a job in this economy the harder it's going to be to find one. It was difficult before and I would make time every day, at least 6 hours daily, to either apply for jobs or brush up on skills needed to find the kind of jobs you are looking for, preferably both - maybe 3 hours applying and 3 hours brushing up.

Perhaps you're already doing this and if so, pardon my mentioning it. We're looking at an economy that is getting worse and right now even if you're putting that kind of time in it could be fall before something suitable is offered.

I'm already doing this. I haven't posted about it, but I am applying daily, which was/is my goal. I am also working on my coursework.. the class I am taking to brush up on my skills and strengthen where I showed weakness in my last role. Thanks..

And, I'm celebrating again. I have now lost a total of 18 pounds!!!! I am 2 pounds away from reaching my goal, which is to lose ALL the weight I put on while with my ex a-hole husband. It feels so good to achieve a goal and to fit into my old clothes again.

This trip that Jay is on feels long and it's only been 6 days. He keeps me updated with which islands they're on each day. He seems to be having an amazing time. I'm envious. I would love to be on a multi-million dollar sailboat in the Caribbean. He's lucky. I told him before he left that it's an adventure of a lifetime.

We've kept in pretty close touch and he's called me four times this week, more than he's ever called me. He says he wants to see me as soon as he returns, which feels good. I have good feelings about him. I'm enjoying him.

He's been super supportive & understanding around issues concerning my ex. He even told me it's OK if I still have some feelings for him, but I told him I do not. I said that I care about him as I would care about any human being on this planet. But given how my ex seriously tried to swindle me, I don't care anymore. He can disappear for all I care, and I would be content and happy to never run into him again.

Everyone here has told me repeatedly to block him, and I finally have, and for good. Shutting the door once and for all feels like solid closure. I called him out, then blocked him.

BTW, did I ever tell you that his lawyer friend used to pay for hookers, behind his wife's back? YES. That shows the lawyer's character. I know, I know.. I never should have agreed to hire him. It was a mistake, in hindsight. But back in Oct I thought it was a pretty simple, cut and dry divorce and that I didn't need to pay for my own lawyer. In hindsight, I could have borrowed the money from mom to hire someone else, but then I would have just added to my pile of debt. Anyways, what's done is done and we're getting a divorce for only $1500 total, split between us. That's a pretty cheap divorce!!! It will finalize in August. Four more months until it's official. UGH. The waiting period SUCKS. I want it done now.

And I am sure my ex will move on and find another vulnerable victim. Poor woman... I already feel badly for the next because they have no idea what they're getting into. And now that my ex has all this money, he has the means to wine and dine the next victim to no end, and that woman will probably be eating it all up.

I wonder how long it will take the next go around for his true colors to show? Weeks or months? I saw red flags within a matter of days.. in the early days, he was telling me how loving and faithful he is (GAG!), what a good guy he is, and how he would NEVER hurt me, make me cry, or cheat on me... and he did all THREE!!!!!! I've reminded him of this, and have told him that that was all a big fat lie. It was all a part of the facade that he portrays...

Even today, he wants me to believe he's a good guy, when all of his actions demonstrate and prove the opposite. He kept telling me that he's a good person, ever since we split up. Oh yeah? He lied to me repeatedly, broke promises repeatedly, hurt me, insulted me, screamed at me, gaslighted me, blamed and accused me, attacked my character, cheated on me, restrained me physically every morning against my will, and created nasty, knock down drag out day-long fights. Then he swindled me, the final blow and icing on the cake. Yeah, what a good guy he is!!! He's delusional. He's a total con artist.

The cognitive dissonance is lifting. That's the confusion & conflict that the victim experiences due to the constant pattern and vacillation between mr. good guy and mr nasty...

I see mr nasty and I see the facade, his false image that he portrays to the outside world.. so keep fooling yourself into thinking you're so wonderful... his friends say that it's MY loss. HA! Yeah right. Definitely HIS loss.

I am speaking with my abuse advocate today for a counseling session. I need it. The domestic violence center is covering my heat and electric bills, how wonderful is that???? They've been a Godsend through the years... I don't know if I could have survived this without all their help and support.

In addition, I have come back to life since leaving him and it feels AMAZING. I am taking care of my health needs, I am losing weight, I am starting to exercise and do the outdoor activities I love and have neglected since being with him.... I am also doing teeth whitening next week. My teeth are discolored and it's been bugging me for YEARS. I got a special discount, 50% off!!!! So I will only pay for $200! Awesome!

So, I am feeling GREAT! I feel like my old self again.. it's like the happy cells in my body have sprung to life! I have a whole new outlook and a brand new me... an old me, but a brand new me.

And, I will be leading a workshop to help others feel better about themselves and their lives in May... that could potentially lead to individual life coaching, if I decide to offer it.... all is good!

However, the whole inheritance thing doesn't sit well with me. I've been thinking more about it, and I'm having a negative feeling and reaction. I mean, he DID try to swindle me, deceive me and screw me over financially. That doesn't sit well. And what if legally I am entitled to more?? What if I had been given more by the court IF he HAD included the inheritance in his financial statement? Then I’m screwing myself over by only accepting 17k.

I don’t think you are entitled to more or possibly to anything unless you also pledge to give up your inheritance when time comes. Having said that, his dishonesty is an issue and it went unpunished. But to address his shadiness you had to pay a lawyer, which you didn’t want to do. So I’d let it go and focus on finding a job. That’s done and over with

I think only a lawyer could knowledgeably speculate if you would be entitled to more, and that would cost you for an investigation. I would suspect it would depend on 1) when your ex knew about the money and 2) the fact that he didn't include it (I assume) in his financial details, and possibly 3) the fact that you are now out of work. I think it might depend on the individual judge, if it goes to a judge.

I don't think it would be unreasonable for you to pursue it, yet it would also be reasonable to let it go and move on. I do think it's despicable what he did, however I don't know the legalities of splitting that kind of money.

I think the main thing is not to second guess yourself. If you want to pursue it, then do. If you don't, then don't think about it anymore.

For your mental health might be best to move on? As long as you're not going to "what if" yourself.

@Samicat, thanks so much for your thoughts.

Mom says I could threaten him (ie, that I will take this to court again) and ask him for more money. I could tell him, give me 10K more, or I am pursuing this in court.

I did speak with another lawyer. She said I COULD get him into legal trouble if I pursue this. She didn't tell me how much I would be eligible for... she asked me how much I think I should get.

I've read more on the subject. Given that he omitted the inheritance from his financial statement, which could have been deliberate and likely was, this bolsters my argument, in addition to me being unemployed. A judge would take into consideration all factors. I live in a 50/50 state, so who is to say that I am not eligible for 50%?

Then again, I've read that if an inheritance is received after divorce proceedings have begun, that it's harder for the non-inheriting spouse to get some of it and that it can be considered as separate rather than a part of the marital property to be equally divided.

I think that a judge may rule in my favor though, since he excluded this from his financials and since it could be deemed as deliberate.

I could file an appeal and pursue it. The second lawyer also wants to charge a $7500 retainer. I have other lawyers to speak as well with that were referrals.

An additional 10K would get me out of debt. And it's all debt that I accrued during my marriage.

That's not how the legal system works in my state. I wouldn't have to give up any of my own future inheritance, which may not even exist when the time comes.

Yes, his dishonesty went unpunished, and it doesn't sit well with me that he got away with it. And no wonder he was SO upbeat after our hearing! It's because he got away with lying, and now I see that. I had been wondering at the time WHY he was SO happy after our hearing was done. This is why!

I absolutely believe that you could and should get him in trouble for lying. Possibly hiring a lawyer is a good idea. I always thought it was the right way. Guess you could also demand more money from soon to be ex. But it’s still not addressing his lying. The only way to address lying is to through legal channels and let lawyers handle if

Well 50/50 doesn’t literally means that absolutely everything is to be split in half. It’s not how it works. Judge looks at all different aspects. Also unless MA is vastly different from other states, inheritance is not marital property.

But again if the goal is to make him face consequences for lying, legal routes is the way to go

MA IS a different state.. I've read that an inheritance, depending on when it was received, can be considered marital property in a divorce.

I will speak with more lawyers next week. A couple owe me a follow up call.

Well let’s see what lawyers say. In most states it’s not marital property.

Yes. And, I just spoke with my sister who is a corporate lawyer. She said she wishes I had spoken to her before accepting his offer of 17K. She said I should have negotiated for more. I7K was the amount HE came up with because he said that it's the maximum you can give without it being taxed. Well, then I read that money exchanged or given in a marriage or divorce process is NOT taxable gift money. So, once again, he lied about this being "gift money" that could be taxable if he gave me any more.

I'm just really upset about how this has all unfolded.

It shouldn’t be surprising. He’s a con man. You will have to hire an attorney if you want more. If you can’t, then I would take this as “lesson learned” and leave it behind.

Keep in mind hiring an attorney is going to cost money. Is the 7500 just a retainer fee? That doesn't mean that's all it will actually cost you. Beside the cash and fees above and beyond the retainer fee, there are your personal values to consider.

You either trust what you previously said about being satisfied with what he gave and trust that's what's best for supporting who you are as a person.

Or, you get help to pursue getting additional funds and trust that's what's best for supporting who you are as a person.

I have perspectives on both sides of this choice.

He IS a con man, and yes, having to shell out more than you $7500 is not something I truly wish to do. Yes, $7500 is just the retainer, at least with two law firms that I've spoken with so far.

My domestic violence center is giving me referrals for pro bono lawyers, I do believe. That could be the better avenue.