Dating After Abuse and Dealing With Life Changes

Yeah... you make valid points. I think they were told not to reply to me. That's what I am guessing....

I am just hoping that by admitting to my boss that I was fibbing, it won't hurt me any... I mean, I did tell him later on that I was no longer fibbing, which should make me look better in his eyes. He used to be a very understanding person, as far as I could tell,. and he cared about my personal well being. I think he would be understanding of the fact that I panicked and didn't know how to handle it at first, which is what I told him.

I'm also struggling with going full no contact with my ex. Yep. I admit that I am having trouble fully letting go, despite everything. I reached out to him yesterday in desperation for support... I know I know... WHY go to someone who has hurt me for support? I get it and it doesn't make sense, I understand this. But, that being said, he's been a rock lately around all that is happening for me, and I so wish I could truly lean on him.... I have conflicted feelings I think. He's been SO nice lately, that it's easy for me to get wrapped up in his niceness, and it's easy for me to fall into his trap.

I am very vulnerable & impressionable right now, and I recognize this. I recognize my weak boundaries and my inability to keep them up.

At least I told him no when he wanted me to hang out with him last night. I said, no, I can't, and I won't get back together with you. I reiterated this point.

I know what you all are going to tell me: block him and stop speaking with him. It's just not as easy is it sounds in writing on the forum, going through all that I am. I am weakened. I feel it. I know I need to block him again and cease the communications. I know this. I am having trouble doing this.

I wonder if a part of me is pleased that he is chasing me so hard.... if I am truly being truthful with myself, looking deep inside and being honest about how I feel... I think a part of me is enjoying his attention and love... as twisted and f'ed up as that may sound. After being mistreated, to have him telling me he will give me the sun, moon and stars to be with me.... well, it does feel good, to an extent.

I know.... I've got to put a stop to this, especially since I am sorta dating someone and it's not fair or right of me to keep the ex around in any way. I get it... just putting all my thoughts out there right now, and I know what I need to do.... we did go 4 days this week without speaking... then I was the one who broke the silence. My fault.

AND.... Ok, another issue to confront, with someone I have not brought up much on here. He has been an acquaintance of mine through the music scene for the last 6 years. When I first met him 6 years ago, I was attracted to him and single. We made out one time early on in those days, and he pulled something that took me by surprise. He is a bit of an S&M guy, and I think he took my arm and put it behind my back, in a very controlling S&M sort of way. I didn't like that, so I asked him what he was doing and I stopped kissing him. That was the extent of our sexual encounters. But since then, I've heard things about him from others who tell me he is into S&M.

Lately, he has been leaning on me a lot, as his one and only confidante about his troublesome relationship with a woman. Based on his stories and description of her behaviors, I've been telling him over the last 3 months that she is abusive and that he needs to get out of the relationship. He is trying to save money so that he can move out and leave her.

Well, so yesterday I was at a music event and ran into a female friend of mine. We started talking about this guy, and I told her how we've become better friends now and that he is leaning on me for support around his abusive relationship. Well, she tells me to be careful and wary of him.. that in fact, HE is the abuser and she knows this for a fact. She is friends with his former girlfriend, who says he is abusive.

This news kind of knocked the wind out of me. I was taken aback but told my girlfriend that I believed her. I thanked her for letting me know.

But now I don't know what to think. Is HE in fact the abuser, and she is simply just reacting to HIS abuse with reactive abuse? OR is it vice versa or a combo of both? All this time, I have been on his side of things and have told him repeatedly she is abusing & gaslighting him. She yells at him constantly.... she explodes into insane illogical rages like my ex husband used to do, she berates and bullies him, slinging insults, and so much more.

Without fully knowing the truth, I feel I should back off from him a bit, but as his only confidante, I also feel I should give him the benefit of the doubt. I actually don't know how to proceed.... do I believe my girlfriend, or do I believe him?

First of all you don’t know if you are his one and only confidant. You don’t know if he blabs elsewhere or that you in fact are the one and only who listens to him badmouthing his girlfriend as no one else would because they know it’s not true.

Remember your ex told his friends all kind of things about you up to the point of them advising him to not talk to you. Most decent men don’t go around badmouthing their girlfriend/wife to other women.

If he’s abused, I recommend he seek therapy or call police.

“She yells at him” means nothing. Could be yelling because he hurts her. In addition if they are in S&M set up and he is S, who really knows, he might want her to be more submissive and she’s rebelling. No one really knows

I don’t know if you should believe anyone about their relationship as no one knows what’s happening behind closed doors. But he doesn’t sound like someone I want to be friends with. I’d distance myself from him if it was me

Thanks, divine. All good points!

I should not have told this gf that his female partner is abusive. I let the cat out of the bag so to speak.... she said she won't say anything, but will ask others how their relationship is going.

I think you're right -- you never know what happens behind closed doors or who is truly at fault, but if he is abusive, perhaps it is best if I distance myself more.

I talked with mom yesterday. I don't quite understand our conversation.

At first, she told me she cannot afford to support me, except for $1000 per month. Then she tells me she can give me the $2500 per month I need if I take out a loan from her with interest. How can she now afford it, if we turn it into a loan?

She also tells me to get rid of my cable TV.

Ok, so I am stuck on that point and am upset by it. I don't go out much, I don't see many people, and I am highly dependent on my cable. I spend a good portion of my days job searching, applying for jobs, and taking my course, but then when I am done, I watch cable basically until bed time.... I enjoy my cable immensely, and it's really all I have to do these days.

I have two people right now who are interested in seeing my apartment as potential roommates. With a roommate, I could keep the cable TV and would only need about $1000 per month from mom. Without a roommate for May, I need to get rid of the cable.

Do I wait and see if I can get a roommate for May, or cancel the cable right now?

If I get rid of it, but then get a roommate, I will want it right back. I think you also have to return your equipment when you eliminate cable and then get a technician to come in and set it all up when you purchase your cable, which costs money. UGH.

Mom also got really upset with me in this conversation at one point. She yelled at me "I am not wealthy!" My understanding before I signed the lease was that she COULD afford to lend me the $2500 per month that I need.... she told me that she never said this. We had a misunderstanding, I guess.

She also tells me to take a lower paying job.... if I do that, I could screw myself over financially for many years to come, or even for the rest of my career! I need a higher salary to pay off all my debt and start saving money for retirement. I'm 52 with zero retirement and a lot of debt! If I go much lower, I won't be able to achieve my financial goals. I did not tell her this part of things.

I hate talking money with mom.... I hate having to borrow money... I absolutely hate the position I am in.

WOW... I am having SUCH a difficult time w/ ALL of this that is going on....

between being jobless & lack of stability in my life, to going through a divorce and dating again....

I was reaching out to my ex abuser for support?????? WTF????? What is wrong with me????????

We've both been through SO much individually and together, that it's been SO hard not to at times when I am really down and out...

I have to remember someone's advice on here... something about taping my hands together whenever I am tempted to reach out to him. It's not fair, and I have to remember this. I have been selfish & drowning in my problems, looking for a life raft. Anything, anyone to help me through this, but it cannot be HIM.

I have got to be stronger than that, and I have got to get myself out of this hole I am in. I am upset with myself.

Re cable. I know I said the same thing as your mom.

I think there’s misunderstanding that cancelling cable means no watching anything. We are considering cancelling cable and tons of people already did. Cable is too expensive and you can watch absolutely everything on streaming platforms for much less. Even if you subscribe to every platform known to men it’s still cheaper than cable.

But you can start with one or two. If you don’t have smart tv, you can either watch it on other device: tablet or laptop or you could buy Amazon fire stick or Roku and hook it to tv. You’ll have plenty to watch. Get Netflix or Hulu or HBO max and if you already have Amazon prime account, prime video is free etc Then when you have a job, you can add tv channels to your streaming platforms by paying extra. In the long run it’s all cheaper than cable and I think cable is a dying beast

Thanks, divine!

I now have far bigger problems than my cable bill. I owe the IRS $3,000 for 2022 taxes. Apparently, when I filled out my W2, I entered "married filing jointly", which I didn't know was the wrong way to complete this..... less taxes were taken out for me all year, as a result of this mistake, and now I owe.

If I haven't lost my marbles already, I am now. I cannot take anymore crap, and am just so done with my life at this point.

And, I had to speak with my husband about the taxes. We got into an argument, in which he threw in irrelevant topics, of course, and as usual. He does that to derail the conversation or argument and to throw me off balance. I am seething right now.. he tried to insist upon seeing me tonight in order to discuss it. I told him no.

If you take your mother’s money, you can count on her harping on the cable until you get rid of it. She will have something to say about all of your expenses.

That’s a good point. That’s a way to control you.

We owe no matter how we fill out our forms. But the amount varies. We also had it “married filed jointly” in 2021 and we owed 7k. Ugh. My husband was about to pass out. This year it’s just 2k. The way to deal with it if you don’t have money up front is: get into payment plan with IRS or charge it and deal with it later.

Didn’t you do taxes together? So it’s not “i” owe, it’s “we”.

Your husband and you have to split it. He pays half of this. It doesn’t matter whose income caused the debt. You were married so it has to be mutual debt. It’s not YOUR debt. He is on a hook for it too. No need to see him. Nothing to discuss

IRS payment could be split. He gives you check for whatever amount or transfers money to you for his half of debt or whatever he could afford and sends the rest later

You do have a lot going on.

My mother has a history of suggesting help and then pulling back making you feel like you've been left in the lurch. Twenty five years ago I stopped engaging in that sort of thing with her. It eventually felt like baiting to me- she'd offer, pull back, and then rail at me for acting so entitled it just wasn't worth it to get involved with her that way. In my mother's case it wasn't always money, but asking anything of her was just asking for misery. It's her time, money, whatever to do with as she pleases, and if she does nothing, then she has no say over how things proceed.

I'd personally ditch cable in a minute. Probably a lot of other things too in order to save money. You can always get it back later. It might cost some, but you may like being without it too.

I've been reading a bit from The Minimalists lately and it's interesting. He went through a period where he reduced his cost of living by systematically getting rid of things, if only for a short period of time to see how it actually affected him. He even got rid of his cell phone and internet for a couple of months, even though he did most of his work online. He said he was surprised at how easily he could adapt. He ultimately got rid of his TV and decided he didn't miss it. In fact, he discovered he was a lot more productive and had a lot more time once he got rid of cable and his TV.

Ugh, I really feel for you. You're balancing a lot right now.

So sorry you are going through all this - take a day or two to recover from the shock, before making any decisions. That's what I think anyway - I always need a few days to recover from a big negative discovery or event.

I would keep your cable for now, because you are using it. If you have a smart TV or a laptop you can connect to your TV with an HDMI cable, you can usually get a few free weeks of Netflix or Prime to see if you like the content. There are a TON of movies and TV series on Netflix. We mostly watch TV series so I'm not sure how their selection of movies is.


But I don't think now is the time to get rid of any of the things that are giving you some comfort.


I really don't think it's fair of your Mom to say she will cover you, and then change her mind after you signed your lease. Can she at least cover you for a few months?


In any case it sounds like having a roommate is a good idea long-term so you can pay down debt and save. So finding a good, reliable person and taking time to verify they work where they say they do and that they have references is worthwhile. A good long-term roommate is a valuable thing.

I have fingers and toes on both sides crossed for you to have some good luck soon!

He is now saying he will pay the whole 3K of taxes that are owed. I am very very tempted to allow this, at this stage. I mean, I did pay 8K for our wedding and honeymoon. Couldn't I view this as payback for our wedding? That's my thought right now.

Thank you @ArmorPlate108, much appreciated. I certainly am balancing a lot right now.

Thank you @Samicat.

It wasn't fair of mom, but then again, I think I may have misunderstood. I thought she was agreeing to covering the $2500 per month that I need. She wasn't, so I misunderstood. But now she says she will with a loan plus interest... I still need to talk to her again to clarify this.

If I have a roommate, I can keep my cable. But so far, I don't have anyone who is biting to move in.

I am still SO pissed at my landlord for messing this up for me for this month. I would have had a roommate already, if it weren't for him. I can't believe he f'ed it all up!

Let him pay but make sure he isn’t interpreting it as you letting him to come back

Don’t have to tell but what did he do to prevent the roommate moving in? He seems to allow it in general

Agreed - I will tell him this.