Dating After Abuse and Dealing With Life Changes

I hear you but I’m eternally optimistic. I keep thinking, this may be the one.. and if not I’ll move on quickly.

He is certainly not the one. But if you are having good times, then there is no harm in it.

I’m having a lot of fun with him which is exactly what I need right now.

I was thinking about this today. I'm not sure the "I'm horny" argument is a good reason to have sex with guys who are virtually strangers. It's dangerous emotionally and physically. And humans are always horny. So, if you meet the guy who is actually right for you, you could waste the opportunity to really get to know him. Because yes, there's still a stigma for both men and women (but especially women) who have casual sex. Especially for the older generation. People see it (especially if you're part of a community) and think well, that's what she's looking for. She's not interested in a relationship, she's the "fun girl."


I also believe that if you have sex too early in a relationship, it limits the relationship and the buildup to intimacy. If you hold off and go to movies and art galleries and plays and parties and carnivals (as I did when dating my husband), it's fun and romantic and sweet. Whereas once you start having sex, it becomes about meeting for sex. That's the end goal of every date. It's just a different way of being with someone.


I think sex should be for people you love. It's much more satisfying. Did you know human brain chemistry works better with love? The "cuddle hormone" of oxytocin mitigates the "sugar crash" after the neurochemicals of sex. Sex is literally addicting without love. It's just empty in the end.


So that's my 2 cents. If you are looking for a serious relationship I think that's what you should stick to--stay away from the Jays. That's what worked for me. Do what you like, but I think it may just lead to more drama and disappointment.

p.s. I also wonder if the "I'm horny" or "I'm having fun" reasoning is masking a deeper need for validation and attention from men. If low self-esteem or the inability to be alone might be driving you to need the admiration and stimulation of male interest. These things are very addicting.


https://slaafws.org/download/core-fi...-Addiction.pdf

p.p.s. and I'm not saying you normally have low self-esteem or the inability to be alone, but we can all have these things in moments of weakness and being with a narcissist for years could have taken a toll on you in this area - at least as far as romantic relationships go.

Thanks for your thoughts.

Well, I realized that I am covering up and hiding a lot of my own emotional pain from the last year. I think this is my response to that pain. To have fun and to enjoy men sexually. It's mainly about wanting to just have fun, and having fun doing things with this guy is appealing to me. This last year took such a toll on me... I just want to enjoy life. I don't want to stay locked up at home doing nothing by myself all the time. That is not fun. Don't most people after a divorce just look for sex? The rebound men...

I don't think this is about having low self esteem or needing attention from men. I am not feeling low about myself these days - quite the opposite. I landed a GREAT job, I am doing really well at work, and I am getting lots of positive feedback. I've become friendly with one particular woman, who is singing her praises about me to everyone she speaks with, including my boss's boss. So, my career and life has gotten back on track and I am feeling good about that.

I don’t believe most people looking for sex after divorce. Some might of course. But many men (anbd women) especially getting older don’t do casual sex at all. Not in their 50s. Not the thing.

It’s considered to be a very unhealthy way of coping because when you are vulnerable, you attract unhealthy people or even worse: predators and when you are vulnerable, you develop attachment to these people and then you are in pain because they don’t reciprocate, then you need a new man (or woman) to remedy pain. If this strategy was helping it would be great but it just doesn’t.

I don’t think anyone here object to you having fun even if it means going for these unavailable low effort men. But it doesn’t make you happy and content. It brings you more pain. Like now you saw Jay with his new woman and it upsets you but who needs to be upset over these “no effort” men? They are not worth it. You say you just want fun, but then you inevitably want more but they don’t give it to you. Then pain comes. It sounds quite miserable

You absolutely do not need to sit home alone or be bored. It doesn’t need to be all or nothing. Sit home alone or go for unavailable men. There are other things out there. A lot.

Maybe there’s a reason I’m picking unavailable men. Maybe I actually don’t want to get close to anyone. Not really. There must be a reason for it right now.

The last thing I wanted after my divorce was sex. I wanted PEACE, which meant not even dating.

I can't address your need to "have fun" because I can't relate to it. After that much drama with men, I can't even imagine wanting to deal with another one again for a while.

Not "having a man" doesn't mean you're home alone doing nothing. What we're trying to get at here is DATING, not these overnight trips with men where they're pretty much guaranteed to have sex with you. Dinner in your local area a few times so you can get to know someone. (That's not at home and that's not "boring"). Then invite them to your house, have sex. MAYBE breakfast. SEND THEM HOME DIRECTLY AFTER BECAUSE YOU HAVE THINGS TO DO.

You go on these pseudo-dates with men, sleep with them and although you tell them you're just wanting to have fun, in your head you start assessing whether they are suitable for a long-term relationship. Jay is a perfect example. He told you what he was in the beginning but you began to imagine what his potential is long-term. You spent a lot of time thinking about him and unhappy because he was not communicating with you the way you wanted. Even though it was only 7 weeks, you were still disappointed because although he told you who he was, you didn't believe he was that shallow and continued to imagine him as being a faithful partner for you.

Your ex-husband repeatedly showed you how nasty and petty he could be, but you kept reminiscing about how loving and wonderful he was (the few times he needed things) and would be all wrapped up in that.

You seem to be all-in whenever a man presents interest, whether he's available for a relationship or not. You tell them you just want to have fun and keep it light and that's not true. You want a serious relationship but you won't break that conversation out until you've seen them a couple of times. That's not honest.

You should lay it right on them - I want to have a serious relationship NOW. That will probably mean you won't have the amount of "fun" sex you're looking for because the people who just want sex will run in the other direction.

So you're saying I look at men with rose colored glasses? Yes, I see and want to believe the best in people, to a fault. Sure, maybe I get hurt and disappointed that way more than necessary, but I'd far rather see the best than be paranoid, mistrustful, jaded or pessimistic. So, I go too far in one direction and need greater balance with reality and what is realistic. An area of growth for me. I never said I didn't have my own issues to grapple with, work on, and overcome. This is one of them.

And I disagree with the sentiment that people aren’t just looking for sex and fun after a divorce. It happens all the time. I’ve witnessed it many times. You two are just having a ball ripping apart everything I say. I know you’re trying to protect me but it’s too much. Every little thing I write it gets picked apart. I’m done with it.

I don’t suggest you become paranoid and jaded. That’s not a good way to live. Going on a number of dates with a man in order to get to know him as an individual first isn’t being paranoid. It’s a healthy process. And if a man shows you or even verbatim tells you he’s not interested in anything beyond casual fun, then it’s your choice to date them or not. But it’s not being paranoid if you choose not to invite them over for sex if they don’t want relationship. It’s knowing yourself and knowing what you ultimately want. That’s not being jaded.

Sex could be fun with no strings attached, but it’s not fun when it ends up in tears that a man won’t commit/dating others/isn’t serious etc.

Hope, we aren’t saying you shouldn’t have casual sex. There’s zero wrong with consensual sex between adults. But you end up falling for these men and developing feelings because you aren’t really this casual chick with no emotions. You want more. But these men can’t and won’t give you more. Even this new guy. You already want more than what he gives. And he already shows you that he won’t give you more

If you just want sex and fun, it’s all good. But it’s obvious every time that ultimately that it’s not what you want

I am having fun with men until I meet the guy I will date more seriously. Jay didn’t want anything more so it ended. It came to a point where I did want more. I had hoped that perhaps he would have developed feelings for me and would want more too. But yes what he said initially to me remained to be the case. So what. It was only seven weeks. I’m over it now. I saw him the other night with his new girl and it didn’t bother me. I’m moving on. And this new guy has trauma right now, yes, and he’s unavailable but he is available for fun. So be it. I’ll see how things unfold. I’m being patient and am giving it time. I do want to get to know him better and spend a little time with him.

I am getting tired of having to justify and explain my behavior and choices. I’m doing whatever i want to do. I feel empowered. I’m not unhappy. I’m not miserable. I’m pretty happy in fact.

Nobody’s ripping you apart. I am presenting what you tell us and these men in the beginning and then what you start discussing here after seeing them once or twice. You are not looking for “fun.” You are looking for your next boyfriend. At least be honest with yourself about that.

Fun is when you sleep with someone and you don’t really care whether they call you again or not. You go home and start examining everything they told you and asking them questions that clearly show you are considering them as potential relationship material when they said clearly they aren’t.

This new one is clearly telling you he has a lot of drama going on and is not available. You are telling yourself that’s fine and you’re not being honest with yourself.

I’m not protecting you from anything because I can tell you you’ll go on this “camping trip” and it’ll be Jay 2.0 again.

I’m done with this thread. I’ve had enough. All you two do is tear me down, criticize and rip me apart. I’m done. I deserve to be spoken to far more kindly and with respect. There’s no respect here. Now I’m being called a liar? Oh please.

You must enjoy this. Putting someone down constantly, telling them they’re constantly wrong, sitting on a high horse, judging and criticizing. Get off your high horses. Only unhappy miserable people behave this way. There’s nothing better to do then sit in judgement and throw stones at glass houses. I’m so done. I don’t have to justify or explain myself to anyone.

I’m closing this thread. Please no more replies. I thank those who have been kind, respectful, and truly supportive of me.

Deleted. I’ve asked admin to close.