Dating After Abuse and Dealing With Life Changes

It’s not a matter of how people might perceive you or judge you if he badmouths you, this is a matter of doing it right. There are laws of how divorces divide assets/debts as well as some negotiation between the parties. You are doing the right thing asking a lawyer who would represent you what you should be entitled to. You shouldn’t have to do all kinds of irregular dysfunction shenanigans in a divorce as this has been going with shady lawyer friends who are favoring him, and him bribing you with money for affection, just giving you this money. It doesn’t work this way, it’s done in the terms of a divorce and handled on paper, very up and up. What is with all this back room dealing? This just isn’t how it works.

But, we all understand you are divorcing a toxic, abusive piece of work, so it is to be expected from him. You are doing the right thing now.

Well, the only person who suffered from you not updating your finances is you. It was clearly not a move done to hide your situation as your ex already knew you'd lost your job.


Plus didn't the lawyer tell you not to bother updating that?


In any case, I would phrase that you didn't update that, rather than failing to disclose it.


His failure to disclose his inheritance was far earlier, as you've said.


I would keep evidence of his numerous attempts to give you money, as it can be seen as a guilty conscience as well as trying to bribe you to get back together with him.

It's clear that HE thinks he should give you money, so make it legal and get that 10K (or other amount) through the lawyer/judge if you can.

Well you didn’t, but it didn’t benefit you. In fact it’s possibly hurt you. Him not disclosing it possibly benefited him. It certainly didn’t hurt him.

Very good post.

Often times one of the divorcing spouses tries to convince the other not to have court order, not to hire lawyers, not have custody order or child support or alimony on paper but instead do it under the table. I had girlfriends whose ex husbands tried to convince them not to hire a lawyer in divorce. It was always done with the goal of screwing her over

It’s almost always done because one party is doing something fishy and is trying to get out of paying what they actually owe

Hiring a lawyer doesn’t mean you are after money. It means you do what everyone does as a divorce process. What’s he going to tell people (and what people?): my wife hired a lawyer. And???

I don’t believe in “our” lawyer. There’s MY lawyer who looks out for me, then there’s his lawyer who looks out for him.

Back to the drawing board. You cannot have an amicable divorce with a disordered person.

Thanks, everyone.

So, get this.

AFTER I sent that email telling him I will hire a lawyer and that I think he's hid the inheritance money from me (and then blocked him), he showed up at my house.

He says it wasn't deliberate, but that IF I do hire a lawyer, he could go to jail for excluding the inheritance from his financial statement.

So, there it is... he legally should have disclosed the inheritance as part of his finances, and he says he did not include it.

He is now paying me 17K, in addition to the 5.5K he has already given me. 17K is the limit of how much "gift" money you can receive in our state without being taxed. The 5.5K he's paid already I consider as payback for the wedding/honeymoon and the chair I bought.

So, I agreed to this arrangement. I don't want him to go to jail or to get into legal trouble. He pleaded with me, so I said yes. Since it's not the money I am after, but what is right, I feel 17K is good enough, and now we're even in terms of what we've each paid for in the marriage.

Very interesting how this all unfolded....

I wonder if he excluded it deliberately from his financial statement, and if he was advised to do so by his lawyer...

it's certainly ALL very fishy given that he's been desperately trying to pay me off.

I suspect that he would have known in Oct how much he was inheriting... maybe not, but possibly. At the very least, he would have known he was getting money and it should have been included in his finances as a "pending inheritance".

No one’s going to jail over it. Lol it wasn’t a criminal case. He might be fined for contempt of court though. Jails would be full if every cheating lying jerk went to jail

Once again he is lying. He’s not “deliberately” didn’t disclose it? Lol what does it even mean? He lied “not deliberately”? How do you lie but do it in non deliberate way? He thinks you are stupid

Not sure why you emailed about all of this to him. If justice and fairness what you are after you need to pursue it through legal channels. But I guess if you get money out of it it’s something. Better than nothing

He’s on to scamming next woman. Despicable individual

I hope you don’t decide to keep hanging out with your ex or keep in touch after all this

I don’t think he’s disordered. He is calculating and dishonest

Well, I found this online:

Consequences Of A Spouse Lying About Finances
There can be several outcomes for those who lie about their financial situation during a divorce case:

Reprimand from Judge: The repercussions for lying about your finances could be as simple as a stern talking-to from the judge. A judge may take it upon him or herself to openly reprimand you for presenting misinformation.

Judge Will Award More to the Other Spouse: It is also possible the court will decide to provide more for your spouse, either in the asset division or in alimony. If the court had decided to split your assets in half, but it became clear you were hiding $10,000, the court may decide to award the hidden funds entirely to your spouse. Or, the judge may reconsider the split at 60/40, in your spouse’s favor.

Found Guilty of Perjury: In the worst-case-scenario, the judge may find you guilty of perjury. Lying to the court is illegal, and can be considered a criminal act punishable by costly fees, and even jail time. Typically, the court will only treat the crime as perjury when a large amount of money was hidden.

These types of cases are far from black and white. The outcome depends greatly on the judge presiding over your case, and the way in which your financial mistake happened and was presented. The simple truth is, it is always better to be honest with your divorce attorney and to the court, and lying on official documents is illegal and should never be practiced or encouraged."

Source: What Happens if You Lie About Your Finances in a Divorce?

And of course he's lying... I think it was a deliberate omission! Yes, despicable he is....

I give into him a lot because I don't want to face or experience his wrath or bullying. He bullies, and I cave. He did that to me the other day when he was crying, and directly after abusing me on the phone. He cornered or bullied me then, by saying "there's no forgiveness with you"..

Once we finalize this monetary transaction, I will go no contact and will tell him I don't want to be in touch.

Well of course lying us never a good idea and there could be consequences for lying in court. There would be no jail time though unless he hid like 10 mil. And even that unlikely. He knows it. And his friend is a lawyer. I am sure he talked to him. Was likely advised to pay you off. The consequence could be that you’d get more money. Ha Which would be nice, and that’s the consequence he is afraid of.

Anyways it’s just sad that he continues BSing you and you believe what he says. He was killing himself not long ago, wasn’t he? And putting you in a will. Now he’s going to jail. It never ends with him. He continues manipulating you. Please just stop believing him. You don’t want to start being mistrustful of men but it’s so essential that you become more careful and less trusting in general

He did bully you but he wouldn’t be able to if you didn’t engage. Didn’t talk, didn’t meet up, didn’t go out etc they can’t bully you if you disengage. All these long months when he was bringing you flowers and taking you out and begging and pleading and showing up unannounced, he was withholding essential financial information. Pretty much lied through his teeth but was love bombing you all along. I am upset on your behalf

I guess all you could do is take the money and cut all ties if you don’t want to pursue it legally. You don’t have to tell him you don’t want to keep in touch because it would open endless conversations and arguments. Just quit him cold turkey

I'm not street smart. My father was very trusting and naive, and I think I learned it from him. It's gotten both of us into some hot water... we've both been easily swindled and scammed.

I know I need to wisen up. It's hard for me - I always want to believe the best in people, but I understand that's not really realistic. Many scums in this world.. so I need to wisen up.

Thanks divine.

Yes, it was all one grand manipulation.... for months.

I need to let this sink in and absorb what's truly been happening.

I won't tell him anything. I will just cut off communication once he gives me the 17K. No need for us to stay in touch after that.

So you know you are dealing with a very unscrupulous person. I feel like I need to reiterate that the best course of action for you is to discuss all this with a lawyer who can represent you, and not to agree to anything, or sign and accept anything, or have any more contact with him or the shady mediator attorney now. This is what I would do.

But I know we are different and you will do as you see fit. I’m sorry you are having to deal with all this.

Thanks Tisha.

I spoke with my mom who said the same thing. I should be speaking to a law office today about it.

Thing is, I'm really not after more money from him. But I see your point, and I will still consult with a lawyer so I am well informed.

And yes, we knew my ex is unscrupulous... but to this extent and level? This is a whole new playing field. Now he's claiming that his lawyer must not be any good... lol.

Again, he is not “his” lawyer. He’s a mediator who doesn’t represent either of you. I’d also address this with the lawyer you speak to because there may be some type of fraud you can prove about this.

It’s not about the more money or not. When you are dealing with unscrupulous people, there is no telling how they can harm you. There’s no limit to what they may be doing and you just don’t know until it bites you.

My mother was one who liked to believe the best in people. She was taken advantage of her whole life.

When faced with one of his stories, since you know you tend to defer to him, do the opposite next time.

I don’t know if you’ll necessarily get more money from him if you follow legal path but it will be done right. The fact that he keeps increasing the amount of money he offers you says a lot. Now he keeps you on your toes feeding you stories of him going to jail.

I am not surprised he’s shady. He’s been always shady. He’s just very clever with love bombing and preying on your vulnerabilities. But he’s never been highly moral upstanding citizen. Shady

You can’t win with shady people unless you take legal routes. That’s what the justice system is for

The point isn’t of wanting or not wanting more money. The issue is that the only way to stop dishonest shady people is to follow the law. You can’t have dealings with them. “I’ll give you money so you don’t hire a lawyer” isn’t working with shady people. It’s just teaching them that they can keep playing their nasty games

I will see what the lawyer says. I would have to pay legal fees for a lawyer, which I do not necessarily have. He gave me 2K recently, and that's my rent money for May.