I need you guys to point out where I can improve myself

I have had this, for a while. I thought things were working out. For me, doing something to please somebody makes a lot of difference, but I think it is mostly about somebody being there, the knowledge (or assumption) that somebody willfully chose to spend time with you, make important life decisions together etc.
I think in the end, it is all a matter of affirmation.

I am struggling to keep a social life going. It gave me peace of mind to know there was some constant in my life, a person whom I deeply loved for that matter. It was a great relief to not have to go through the anxiety to pick up the phone or send a message to somebody who might decline an invitation which might set off a cycle of ruminations.

The tango is a very intimate dance. It’s clear you are comfortable with the intimacy involved in that. How do you feel about sexual intimacy? (You don’t have to really answer).

You say you fall in love with these women. Do you desire physical intimacy with them? What does seeing that love materialize look like to you? It sounds to me like you are anxious about physical intimacy.

You can have relationships with deep discussion and interesting activities. But intimate relationships need to be taken to that physical level. It sounds like you are not initiating that.

A little clarification: this is the first time it occurs in the context of my tango dancing. What I meant is that I have a long history of falling in love with women who eventually choose somebody else.

I am insecure about intimacy, especially because I have been single most of my life and percieve that I don't know the tricks to please a woman. Also - that is a remnant of a relationship of 10 years with a partner whom I met when she was 24 and who had +/- 80 one night stands before me - I have this feeling that a large number of partners will make intimacy less intimate. I suspect that is not entirely true, but I don't have a similar experience I can relate to so it is hard to let that go.
That being said, I do crave an intimate relationship and I know I can more or less overcome these insecurities.

The problem - I think - comes at another point. As I have this repeated experience of almost never being chosen, of always seeing somebody who is favoured more than me, it is hard for me to not see myself as a lesser being. It is as if my initial insecurity lies at the basis of these experiences and these experiences have long ago become a justification of my insecurities.

It is quite obvious that one does value the contact or friendship one has when falling in love. It is these insecurities that make me agonize over losing what I have. This stops me from initiating anything beyond what comes naturally.

I have thought the last weeks that it could have been a good idea to propose seeing each other in a different context. I did this when I proposed to go cycling together. To no avail apparently.

I have no idea how to break out of this vicious cirle that makes me more insecure at each iteration.

President Kennedy said long ago, "Ask not what your country can do for you - ask what you can do for your country." Replace country with partner. I dont see where you notice who your friend is, what she likes, what she wants, your interest in what she says.

Inviting someone on a bike ride sounds like work to me! Plus she has to put a lot of trust in you. Why not just coffee?

What she likes? Tango dancing (obviously, that is where we met), jazz, art, some sports ... basically much of the things I like too. And she's creative (or better: needs to be creative), just like me.

But she did ask somebody else for the bike ride.

I guess this ship has sailed. I can only hope to learn for the future and if I meet someone in say, four, five years I can hopefully break loose from my patterns.

I wouldn’t say because she’s asked someone else on a bike ride it means she doesn’t like you. She might be interested in socialising generally with different people.

I like unaluna’s suggestion of a coffee. If she accepts then don’t worry about impressing her, you are enough as you are, it’s more about seeing how you gel together at this stage anyhow.

Wisecrack in me says she prides herself in having stopped drinking coffee five months ago but I get the point.

Given the recent breakup, that idea had come to mind but constantly having to rationalize these ideas is draining my energy. As my therapist points out, there are many positive things but it is these unpredictabilities that wear me out and make me panic and relive previous events.

I am convinced that if we get together we would be a better match than most.

I get the whole wanting to rationalise, to anticipate outcomes, to have some sort of order or predictability in a world that is anything but predictable. But you’re right it can be exhausting and doesn’t usually change anything.

I hope you’ll get a non coffee with this woman, take it as it comes, there’ll likely be surprises along the way - maybe you’ll click or maybe not, maybe you’ll click with someone else. You are young, you’ve got options and possibilities ahead of you.

It is damaging to self esteem to have been passed over. Connecting romantically can be so intimidating if you don’t know what works, aren’t comfortable with it, too in your head. Does your therapist have a way to address this for you?

Have you ever seen the film Saturday Night Fever? The main character (John Travolta) falls in love with his dance partner. This thread makes me think of that great scene from that movie where they click romantically while dancing.

What kind of therapy are you doing with your T?
It sounds like, as you recognise yourself, you need to work on you self esteem. Notice the negative automatic thoughts and unhelpful thinking styles and start to challenge them with your T.
I had terrible self esteem prior to my most recent therapist, but we spent a long time going through that process- we worked on identifying negative core beliefs and challenging them. On repeat. Every week. It was hard, but totally worth it.
That doesn’t mean you can’t connect with people in the mean time. But be yourself, not who you “think you should be”. It’s not all about status and what you do in terms of job etc. it’s who you are.
Being vulnerable is how we truly connect. Asking questions, being interested in someone.

Also, try not to judge, even if someone has had a lot of one night stands. We all have our reasons for doing things and for coping with things, even if they aren’t the healthiest of ways. I guarantee there is more to that reason than just “she liked sex” or whatever. It’s important to be mindful of that.

Anyway, all the best with things

Just a few things to add to everyone's good commentary:


"the tricks of ways to please a woman" can be learned online, if you mean sexually. But any woman will tell you what she likes during sex. Just ask her. Believe me - most women are very happy to be asked.

You mention not having a job - this is a huge thing for women, unless you are independently wealthy.


You might check out the YouTube channel: Dan O'Connor communications. He has great videos about meeting strangers and making them like you, including seeming interesting and handling awkward times and insulting comments. I enjoy his videos. I am in no way affiliated with him.

I have know for a long time self esteem is a huge problem for me. That is why I combine all these things. But no matter how many degrees I obtain, I dont think this will ever be solved.

That is what I do now: be honest, I stopped hiding my insecure side, pointing out that some interactions are awkard just because I am insecure..

The one night stands, that was my ex wife. I did my utmost best not to judge her. I know her better than anyone - I even dare say better than her parents - and I have an idea about what happened. The problem was that her stories and my insecurity combined were my kryptonite. And she did not respect my suffering from having to hear about all her extreme experiments. That was the beginning of our relationship and it has taken me a few years before I was able to experience intimacy again.

She does. Last week she even pointed out - against all she normally does - that there is an evolution. But apart from that, I still do have trust issues when it comes to therapists.

And you ususally end up with the one scenario you didn't think through.

I am currently studying a masters in AI. I generally get good response. It gives me a rather good perspective regardless of all that has happend during the latest years.

Keep up the hard work with your self esteem @pliepla
Just keep working with your therapist. The first step is recognising there is a problem, so well done!
You’ve got this!

You might want to look into Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT, pronounced like the word "act"). ACT focuses on directed action towards goals, rather than focusing on managing thoughts and feelings.

Here are some resources related to ACT:

A brief intro to ACT video: What is Acceptance Commitment Therapy? - YouTube

Brief article on ACT: Acceptance and Commitment Therapy | Psychology Today

A more detailed, slightly technical, podcast on ACT: 77. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy with Jill Stoddard – Psychologists Off the Clock

This website has a ton of resources on learning ACT: ACT for the Public | Association for Contextual Behavioral Science

I have been following ACT sessions for a year. I thought it was a valuable set of ideas. However, the personal mentor I was assigned to was constantly pressuring me into things that made me drift away from my own values (with everybody, he behaved as if he had the key to a happy life: his own superficial ideas and lifestyl and he was trying to force that upon all those he was responsible for). For me it was a struggle ...

I am seeing a new psychiatrist withing two weeks. It is one of the things - if time permits - that I want to bring up.

OMG!!! I asked her out. I didn't call it a date but I did ask her to accompany me to an advanced tango class.

She didn't say no, but has a prior appointment in the afternoon and needs to check if she can leave at an appropriate time. If she can free herself, it's a yes. I guess.

For the moment, I am so proud of having asked. #smallvictory

That’s great news!

Well done! That’s a great step, regardless of the outcome, you’ve challenged those negative thoughts about yourself!

The whole point of ACT is to discover and strive for one's own values. The therapist was wrong, and completely anti-ACT, to try to impose values on you.

You can pursue ACT on your own, via self-study and practice. The main idea being to take steps to achieve your goals, regardless of what thoughts and feelings are going through your mind. So: good job asking her to accompany you!!

We're not going - it is An expensive event - but she came up with an alternative. For me that is as good as a yes.