I need you guys to point out where I can improve myself

But then how do I meet suitable people? Dancing and painting don't seem like valid options.

And also: if I would manage to ask her out, do I have to label it as a date? Or will she know when I ask her for something out of our normal context?

I don’t think there’s any rules as such. I suppose you could say “It’s a date” and watch her face? Or you could do something special like bring her flowers?

There was dance with live music this afternoon. She asked me first but I could not attend ... she is probably going with the guy she says is just a friend.

Is it a dance in a different venue or is it again an event at your dance studio? She asked you and you couldn’t go so it’s understandable she’s going with a different guy. Why couldn’t you attend? Don’t have to answer of course

The guy is just a friend. But so are you!

It is at a different location. I had to study. I have no problem she is going or with whom she is going. I felt good about being asked first.

I hope to be not just a friend to somebody some day. I am so scared it will never happen. Just as I was terrified for the blow I was dealt yesterday. I can't continue alone for the rest of my life.

I wonder that even though you say you want a relationship, deep inside you do everything to avoid it.

You could study in the morning or night or tomorrow. Couple of hours of not studying will not kill you. There will be 22 hours left to study if you go out for two hours.

You say you are in love and want to be with this woman yet when she asks you to partake in clearly romantic event, you say no. I wonder what’s this about. I’d think you’d be ecstatic to go to an event with her, yet you didn’t.

And I wonder if she thought hhmm he goes to tango classes and painting classes and biking and running so clearly he has free time. Yet when I ask him, he had to study and isn’t free. He’s not interested

I accomodated her request last week. Although I had told her in advance that I stress out about my exams. I have accomodated her on several occasions for months. I feel worn out by the entire situation and the news of her date was a serious blow. Even though she made a remark about her inclination to guys who put up a lot of show that suggest she realizes it is not a healthy pattern, it appeared as if she has already decided before she even saw him.

I spent a lot of time talking to people. Telling my story. Telling about how I faced my worst fear and asked her out on several occasions and how she agreed and eventually backed out at every initiative of mine. I talked about all the ambiguity.
I also talked with somebody who has known her for a longer time. It is what she does ... she keeps going for those "spectacular" guys (and she keeps crashing every time it doesn't work out) but she als keeps as many good-meaning men as possible lingering. I am in that last category.

So in the end I think I really have to give up on this situation. Her backing out of every occasion we could have gone out (but still asking me for workshops, probably when nobody else is available) means I am not good enough for her. My long history of rejection (and the ever growing fear for having to go through this all over again) tells me that I am good enough for nobody and this last experience only confirms that I should become a better person, do even more even if that is probably impossible. My only conclusion is that my fate is to rot away in loneliness. My average life expectancy is still another 35 years. I am not willing to bear with this for that long. I will graduate next year. That is my deadline for finding a relationship too.

I am extremely confused.

You were repeatedly asking on here how you can ask her out and how you could express your feelings etc you were doing it as recent as yesterday. Then when she asks you out you say no because you didn’t want to accommodate her ambiguity and now you are saying you are done pursuing her all together.

First of all her going on dates is perfectly acceptable as she’s single. Her going on a date shouldn’t be a blow. You aren’t dating her or asking her out, why can’t she go on dates. You also can’t say she goes on dates with some other guys while rejecting you. Not sure why you say that. She never said no to you because you never made your interest known.

As about talking about her to people who know her for a long time and they are telling you what kind of men she dates, wow. They aren’t to be trusted. What sneaky people gossiping behind her back. They’ll do it to you too. Not honorable folks

Not sure why you set a time limit for relationship. I got married at 50. I don’t know how old you are but what’s the rush? You are setting yourself for failure.

If it were as simple as that, she would not have agreed to go out with you to begin with.

The "I'm not good enough" narrative comes from the negative voices in you, which arise from the negative people in your past.

She did know in advance that I would probably not go. I explained why weeks before).
In addition, part of my agony over this date stems from my history with her accepting my every invitation and in the end backing out at every occasion. That this is the type of guys she has always talked about when she talked about exes and that - even if she signals that she is "doing it again" - this is exactly such a guy only adds to that.

I talked about how I experienced these last months in trying to get closer to her. I signalled a pattern I was beginning to sense. My interpretation was confirmed. You can think of me what you want but I am far beyond the point where I can bear this alone. I need the support of others and of the entire group, there is only one person I do trust.

As for the deadline. I turned 50 in April. Therapists of all sorts have been promising me a great future for 30 years. So far it hasn't happened (and it is not for lack of trying, all my efforts have only contributed to my anxiety). I lost my faith that things can still turn around for me. I have suffered enough. It is time this glorious future begins. I know I will most likely fail, but maybe the only desire I have left is to have this last push to help me over the edge.

Can you elaborate? I invited her a number of times. She always seemed happy but consistently let me know a day in advance she could not make it. She did propose alternatives at times. But isn't this a signal that she did not really want to hang out with me?

I do know that I suffer from a negative self image. But the other one is better, isn't he? If nobody ever chooses me, doesn't that mean that there is always somebody who is better? I should become spectacular and I can't.

I am sorry if I come across as overly defensive. It is just that there has been this pattern of attracting and pushing away for over two months. It is this ambiguity that killed me. I am really spent, both emotionally and physically (for lack of sleep).

How old is this woman you are interested in?

She's 41.

Ok I wondered if she might be much younger. 9 years isn’t that much younger but it is getting there. Are you interested in women your age?

I have been with somebody 12 years younger than me for 10 years. I felt bad about that at first but the age difference never felt like a problem (her dominant and manipulative nature was). But the result is that I have been spending lots of time with people in that age bracket. Also, having no kids, I have the feeling that women my age live in an entirely different world. I am not necessarily not-interested but somehow I rarely feel at ease around women my age. And also, I have two tango places I visit regularly. At one place, most people are much older (as in retired), at the other most are much younger (below 40 or even below 35) and most come as a couple (they are open to dancing with other people but won't date).

For the record: when I was in my twenties, I used to fall for women who were my age or two years older ...

When she says yes but then cancels, she is giving a mixed message. Part "yes", part "no".

It seems that part of her wants to hang out, and part of her doesn't. If she really did not want to hang out with you at all, she would just say no.

Offering alternative dates is an aspect of the "yes" part of the mixed message. But it's still a mixed message.

It seems to me that you have several choices.

Since consistently canceling the day before is rude, you could decide not to ask her any more. You could conclude that she is a rude person and not worthy of your interest.

You seem to take her actions personally, and assume that her actions show she doesn't want to hang out with you. But, as I said, if that were the case, she could just say no, period. Maybe something more complex than that is going on, perhaps having to do with her anxiety. You could be curious as to why she cancels, and ask her kindly about it. "This is the fifth time you have cancelled the day before. I am wondering why this happens so often?"

You could ignore it completely and continue to ask her out.

It's tempting to think this, and your voices want you to. But to me, good relationships are about fit, not "betterness".

To me, that merely says that the right person, the right fit, has not come along yet.

I think it would be really valuable to ask yourself, or in discussion with your therapist, what leads you to believe that you "should be spectacular".

I am not sure what “being spectacular” means. Like standing out in some ways? It has no importance in regards to relationships as like Bill said it’s about a good fit. But also it’s subjective. What someone considers “spectacular” is not true for everyone

That is exactly what I mean. Like being a poet. I am a painter - the feedback I get is taht I am way above the level of the classes I take - but somehow that does not seem to count.

I have always been a smart kid. People expected a lot from me. I was a physics olympiad finalist in my country and wanted to study physics. I was not allowed and failed at my plan B, ending up in what my father had evisaged as my future. That is when feeling inadequate began to grow to problematic proportions.

As for her dating other men ... it is not that I don't allow it and I guess most of the times these things lead to nothing. It is just that it terrifies me she is going with a person that matches her normal pattern, knowing that she has never ended up well with this type of persons. She appears to be well aware but still goes through with it. I guess it strikes a chord with my feeling inadequate (if you look at the list of things I am already doing in my first post ... I am now considering to start learning an instrument to become a more complete person). I don't mean to turn my back on her out of anger, it is more out of fear for the emotions I will go through if she eventually hooks up with this other guy. I see it as a protective measure.

And then there is the other women whom I have been talking to before. I was talking to her yesterday as well. We get along fine but emotionally my crush is in the way. Anyway, after a while my crush came to ask me to dance, which I did not decline. In the end we rode to her home by bike (I live a little further) and finally had the type of longer personal conversation I have been longing for. I know she suffers from depression as well and we got really personal. I know she is not doing well and she is probably searching for a date so frantically as an escape route. But given my sensitivities - and being in love or infatuated* with somebody has always really brought out my worst fear - this is uncertainty really killing me. And I know that it will be a factor in every future situation which adds to my fear. Also, with every repetition of this cycle of insecurity and "failure"* this problem becomes worse and I don't believe it will ever be solved.

I have had a relationship with somebody I met when I was hospitalized with depression. What I remember from that is that we did not have much to go on apart from our mental issues. But al through the year we were together, I think the patience and understanding we could offer each other was really unique and I truly believe that in my current situation, where we share quite a lot of other things, these issue can really add to a relationship. If you ask me, I think I am and I also feel like a good fit; it is just that she probably won't choose me.

* Please bear in mind that my native tongue is Dutch. I believe my English is quite ok but I sometimes lack some nuance and might pick the wrong word, as for instance in these two cases.