[jesyka]

Some of you might remember me talking about this group of female friends who’d constantly harass me for pictures.

I had other issues with them too. Anyways, they pushed me to far & upset me during MY birthday lunch. They would not take no for an answer regarding pics. They know that I hate having my pic taken.

So I reluctantly agreed after they kept begging & guilt tripping me again. I was pissed though.

So I texted the group & told them that I felt that my boundaries were being disrespected & that no means no. I told them that this has been a serious issue for years. I told them that from now on no amount of pleading will get me to agree to be in pictures anymore as no means no & they should respect that.

Only one lady apologized to me for being pushy. The other two ignored me. I became even more upset so I decided to finally end the so called friendship.

I have obviously not been happy with thrm for a long time. One lady kept fat shaming me with her weird up & down looks & they were just always trying to get me to accommodate them but they were usually unwilling to make compromises for me which wasn’t fair.

Everything had to be done their way all the time which I resented. Whatever the group wanted was what I had to go along with.

Anyways, I’m hurt that they didn’t care that they upset me. I was just being honest & not offensive with them. So why would they ignore me like that?

I would’ve given them another chance if they gave me a sincere apology to not upset me again. But no, they acted like I’m the problem.

Ugh! So immature & rude! Why did they ignore me & disrespect me like this?

I’m upset & hurt. I did the right thing though. I should’ve done this in person.

I feel like they were never really my real friends to begin with. I told them all how I felt about how they all hurt me as a group & individually. I told that lady that her fat shaming was rude & appalling too.

I’ll never allow anyone to disrespect me like this again. If they do, I’m going to stop talking to them immediately.

[Yaowen]

I am so sorry that your "friends" disrespected you and I can certainly understand your actions in this matter too. Sorry again that that happened to you.

[jesyka]

Originally Posted by Yaowen

I am so sorry that your "friends" disrespected you and I can certainly understand your actions in this matter too. Sorry again that that happened to you.

Thanks. I’m still hurt & upset that two of them ignored me. I don’t understand why they didn’t offer me an apology. What they did was wrong.

I was expecting an apology. I did the right thing by finally dropping that toxic pushy & manipulative ‘friend’ group out of my life.

[Have Hope]

I have found in my own experience that very often people have trouble taking responsibility for their actions when they are confronted. You confronted them with honesty and truth, and only one had the decency to own up to the behavior and apologize. That says a lot about this group and about the individuals who could not step up and apologize. Be glad you got even one apology.. imagine if NO ONE had replied?

This is just how people are... you cannot expect people to always be so mature, self reflecting or responsive to being called out on their behavior and treatment of you. Also, most people prefer to avoid confrontation, especially over text.

This clearly was the wrong group for you. Good riddance and carry on.

[jesyka]

Originally Posted by Have Hope

I have found in my own experience that very often people have trouble taking responsibility for their actions when they are confronted. You confronted them with honesty and truth, and only one had the decency to own up to the behavior and apologize. That says a lot about this group and about the individuals who could not step up and apologize. Be glad you got even one apology.. imagine if NO ONE had replied?

This is just how people are... you cannot expect people to always be so mature, self reflecting or responsive to being called out on their behavior and treatment of you. Also, most people prefer to avoid confrontation, especially over text.

This clearly was the wrong group for you. Good riddance and carry on.

You’re right about what you said unfortunately. I should’ve said all of this to their face in person. I probably would’ve heard a bunch of b.s excuses & denial though.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by jesyka

You’re right about what you said unfortunately. I should’ve said all of this to their face in person. I probably would’ve heard a bunch of b.s excuses & denial though.

I personally find it's easier for me to confront over text simply because I don't have good immediate come backs if someone denies or gives me a hard time in response. Maybe that's why you chose to say these things over text instead of in person?

[jesyka]

Originally Posted by Have Hope

I personally find it's easier for me to confront over text simply because I don't have good immediate come backs if someone denies or gives me a hard time in response. Maybe that's why you chose to say these things over text instead of in person?

Actually, I prefer to confront people directly. I’m nit confontstional. I’m just direct & not afraid of being honest with people. I enjoy putting people in their place when they misbehave actually, lol 😆

I should’ve done that. I let things go to often. They probably thought they could get away with disrespecting me since I never had a serious talk with them about my boundaries m.

I stupidly gave in to their manipulation by grudgingly agreeing to be in their stupid pics sometimes against my will.

Even if I confronted them all in person, I’m positive thst they would’ve gaslit me, called me crazy, or denied any wrong doing at all.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by jesyka

Actually, I prefer to confront people directly. I’m nit confontstional. I’m just direct & not afraid of being honest with people. I enjoy putting people in their place when they misbehave actually, lol 😆

I should’ve done that. I let things go to often. They probably thought they could get away with disrespecting me since I never had a serious talk with them about my boundaries m.

I stupidly gave in to their manipulation by grudgingly agreeing to be in their stupid pics sometimes against my will.

Even if I confronted them all in person, I’m positive thst they would’ve gaslit me, called me crazy, or denied any wrong doing at all.

I'm similar in that I prefer to be direct. I don't enjoy putting people in their place and have a hard time doing so because I've had poor boundaries in the past. It's something I am learning how to improve. I think we are around the same age. I am 52.

And I think you're correct in assuming they would have dodged the issue if you had said this in person.

[AzulOscuro]

Hi, Jesyka!

QUOTE:

“Actually, I prefer to confront people directly. I’m nit confontstional. I’m just direct & not afraid of being honest with people. I enjoy putting people in their place when they misbehave actually, lol 😆 “

Do you think adults enjoy a friendship or spending time with someone who enjoying “putting people at their place”?
What you mean by putting people at their place is questionable because when there could be something you see as the norm and acceptable, others may see it as different.
Do you like people putting you at your place?

That only creates bad vibes.
I’m not telling you to be a doormat but defend your rights and your boundaries with intelligence. Without closing doors for you.

First at all, I would begin by being respectful of others’ time. And don’t rush communicating your upsettings with people. If you feel bothered by someone, try to keep calm, study the situation from the distance. Normally, things people do that may bother us, are behaviours we also exhibit with other people or even the same ones.
You need to step away and gain a distance to be able to see clearly.
People like you or me who have social anxiety overthink so much and monitor each detail in a social interaction and tend to stress on the few clues that are gonna lean in our own sense of inadequacy.

Reading your threads I came across you have some passive-aggressive responses. Do you remember you labelled a friend of you as a people pleaser and said she displayed passive-aggressive behaviours.
I see these kind of behaviours in you. So, I would better look at myself and see my own patterns before trying to analyse others.
For example; you don’t like a pic of you taken. Ok. It’s understandable. I don’t like at all, either.
You first kept saying to them no. But after they pushed you, you finally accepted so your angry with them is growing inside (passive) until you burst and send them a message telling them off (aggressive).

It’s very important that you first look at yourself before questioning what others do.
And even when you question others, no way you’re gonna change them unless they want. So it’s pointless to ask for explanations, or confronting them. You will only get them to go off and you don’t give any opportunity for them to choice if it matters the effort and respect your boundaries.

In the way you analyse yourself, you’re gonna be so satisfied from what you have learnt that setting boundaries is gonna be spontaneous and people will see this respect you feel for yourself reflected.

I tried to encourage you to look for biography about assertiveness, social skills…you might find it very helpful what you learnt and it’s gonna be very good for you as it was for me.
I was passive-aggressive as help. Due to my insecurities. I was always on defence mode.
Give it try.

Thousands of apologises for the long text.

To sump it up

- Focus on yourself. Your patters. (Writing on a journal would be a good idea and re read it from time to time)
- Don’t act at the heat of the moment (reflexion)
- The only person you can change is yourself
- Work on assertiveness (help to identify passive-aggressive behaviours and give a more accurate response in social situations, taking into account not only your rights but other people’s ones that are also at the same level of importance)

[jesyka]

Originally Posted by Have Hope

I'm similar in that I prefer to be direct. I don't enjoy putting people in their place and have a hard time doing so because I've had poor boundaries in the past. It's something I am learning how to improve. I think we are around the same age. I am 52.

And I think you're correct in assuming they would have dodged the issue if you had said this in person.

I’m 51. I try to be direct with people. Yeah, I think they would’ve denied everything too.

[jesyka]

Originally Posted by AzulOscuro

Hi, Jesyka!

QUOTE:

“Actually, I prefer to confront people directly. I’m nit confontstional. I’m just direct & not afraid of being honest with people. I enjoy putting people in their place when they misbehave actually, lol 😆 “

Do you think adults enjoy a friendship or spending time with someone who enjoying “putting people at their place”?
What you mean by putting people at their place is questionable because when there could be something you see as the norm and acceptable, others may see it as different.
Do you like people putting you at your place?

That only creates bad vibes.
I’m not telling you to be a doormat but defend your rights and your boundaries with intelligence. Without closing doors for you.

First at all, I would begin by being respectful of others’ time. And don’t rush communicating your upsettings with people. If you feel bothered by someone, try to keep calm, study the situation from the distance. Normally, things people do that may bother us, are behaviours we also exhibit with other people or even the same ones.
You need to step away and gain a distance to be able to see clearly.
People like you or me who have social anxiety overthink so much and monitor each detail in a social interaction and tend to stress on the few clues that are gonna lean in our own sense of inadequacy.

Reading your threads I came across you have some passive-aggressive responses. Do you remember you labelled a friend of you as a people pleaser and said she displayed passive-aggressive behaviours.
I see these kind of behaviours in you. So, I would better look at myself and see my own patterns before trying to analyse others.
For example; you don’t like a pic of you taken. Ok. It’s understandable. I don’t like at all, either.
You first kept saying to them no. But after they pushed you, you finally accepted so your angry with them is growing inside (passive) until you burst and send them a message telling them off (aggressive).

It’s very important that you first look at yourself before questioning what others do.
And even when you question others, no way you’re gonna change them unless they want. So it’s pointless to ask for explanations, or confronting them. You will only get them to go off and you don’t give any opportunity for them to choice if it matters the effort and respect your boundaries.

In the way you analyse yourself, you’re gonna be so satisfied from what you have learnt that setting boundaries is gonna be spontaneous and people will see this respect you feel for yourself reflected.

I tried to encourage you to look for biography about assertiveness, social skills…you might find it very helpful what you learnt and it’s gonna be very good for you as it was for me.
I was passive-aggressive as help. Due to my insecurities. I was always on defence mode.
Give it try.

Thousands of apologises for the long text.

To sump it up

- Focus on yourself. Your patters. (Writing on a journal would be a good idea and re read it from time to time)
- Don’t act at the heat of the moment (reflexion)
- The only person you can change is yourself
- Work on assertiveness (help to identify passive-aggressive behaviours and give a more accurate response in social situations, taking into account not only your rights but other people’s ones that are also at the same level of importance)

I was assertive with them. I clearly told them no directly many times. They harassed me to death & I stupidly let them get away with taking my pic a few times.

I said no. How is that being passive agressive? I was direct with telling how I feel. If I were to be passive aggressive, I’d ghost them. At least I explained things to them.

How do you think I should’ve handled things?

Originally Posted by jesyka

I was assertive with them. I clearly told them no directly many times. They harassed me to death & I stupidly let them get away with taking my pic a few times.

I said no. How is that being passive agressive? I was direct with telling how I feel. If I were to be passive aggressive, I’d ghost them. At least I explained things to them.

How do you think I should’ve handled things?

I think you handled things well. You are true to yourself and that's really all you can do. The two friends who ignored your feelings did so, because they are insecure and clearly don't like being held accountable for their mean behavior.

Real friends, in my opinion, respect us when we share how their actions make us feel, and show us empathy and try to change or be more accomodating. Maybe that's unrealistic but that's the bar I set for people whom I interact with.

If I can apologize and try to change, I expect the same from others.

Your two friends clearly don't respect your feelings or they would have not ignored you and would have been mature enough to acknowledge their mistakes. Unfortunately, it sounds like they are selfish and aren't interested in respecting your feelings or admitting they were wrong.

The one friend who apologized to you is a good quality friend. The other two, aren't.

[AzulOscuro]

Originally Posted by jesyka

I was assertive with them. I clearly told them no directly many times. They harassed me to death & I stupidly let them get away with taking my pic a few times.

I said no. How is that being passive agressive? I was direct with telling how I feel. If I were to be passive aggressive, I’d ghost them. At least I explained things to them.

How do you think I should’ve handled things?

Passive-aggressive is not only a silent treatment. It involves any behaviour you take in when you really don’t want to take in and produce a long or shorter term resentment. And after that you give an aggressive response even when the timing is not appropriated.

Of course you were reluctant to have pics taken. You said no. You said no many times. And assertive way to be is saying no one time and act in consequence. No is no.
But you yielded, not only once but several times. This is passive. It all creates a situation where you felt uncomfortable from now on at this same situation.

Them, you sent a message to them putting the focus on their behaviours and how much it bothered you. Kind of ultimatum to them. Defending your rights but in an aggressive way. You didn’t take into account what you could have done in a non assertive way to get this behaviour from them.

I’m gonna be honest. If they push and push with like in this case, about having you in the pics, I would also feel bothered because they showed very little comprehension but sometimes people are like that. Some people lack of the ability to understand the other person. Not everybody is gonna understand what social anxiety is. So, you will find people like that. Do they have bad intentions or do they did it on purpose. I don’t know it. Depend on others behaviours they may display within the relation.
So, as there’s that possibility that they neither understand such a thing and don’t give the importance you give. I’m focusing on your responses.

What I would’ve done? Not “should” Noone is forced to do anything other than accept the law. I prefer to treat in in a different way.
Hypothetically. I would’ve done just the very thing I had felt more comfortable with.
It has been already say by other members here.
I would left myself to take a pic by previously saying to them. Girls, I never like to have taken pics of me but I’m gonna participate in this one and from now on, I will be only the photographer.
That’s it.
So you yield only up to the point you may feel confortable with. It’s a matter of reaching a consensus. You give something to them but at the same time, you sat a boundary.
When they push again, you repeat like a broken record: Remember girls, I’m your photographer.
That’s all. If they keep their pushing you. With this and other things you feel bothered by and you treat it in the same way but you get no comprehension. I wouldn’t meet them anymore. Unless, they contacted me and apologise. But, don’t contact them with reproaches. That’s not gonna be useful as you already stated in previous posts.

When interacting to people, I try to consider also, not only my reasons behind a behaviour but also the reasons behind others. It’s very important to see the other like an equal. And in the same way you take into account circumstances under a certain behaviour from yourself, it’s also suitable and worthy to consider the other part’s circumstances.

Are these group of friends extroverts?

In any moment, I’m encouraging you to go on with these group of acquaintances. Ok. You have the right to pass page with them if you are not comfortable with.
I’m only giving you a way I may have interpreted things and how I would have handle this particular point about the pics taken. Ok? I understand you may feel uncomfortable with them for different reasons you explained before.

I also understand why you may feel attack and defensive. It’s common in people with our issue as well as, takin when we don’t want and then, overreact.

By the record, I’m your age 51. That is, we are 41 since now 50 is 40, 40 is 30. Things have changed and we still rock. 😀👍

[AzulOscuro]

Jesyca, your birthday date is pretty significant there in the States. One of my niece’s birthdays is at the same day, on July 4th. You are both cancer. It says people born under the sign of Cancer are very trustworthy. My wonderful niece actually is. Use your potentials for your own benefit. That way we will also learn to used them in benefits of the ones who are around you and you think are worthy of your time and friendship.

I’m a pisces. Idealistic and romantic.

Wish you luck and I encourage you to go on questioning, sharing your struggles in regards and go on working. Look at how many people here are ready to give you insight. You must be proud. Not all people have this luck.

[Discombobulated]

Absolutely good friends wouldn’t have wanted you to feel uncomfortable at all regarding the photographs, it sounds like you spent time with these women but didn’t have a true connection.

I think when we have a true connection people listen and take note first time you say something- that’s how I experience it anyway. True connections are more difficult to find but they are possible with perseverance, it’s good not to give up and to seek new friendships on your wavelength.

[divine1966]

I don’t think these people were real and actual friends. Sounds more like activity group (or perhaps they are friends with each other but not with you). Real friends don’t act that way. You didn’t like them and they didn’t particularly like you. In general if you join social group that does things certain way, it’s not realistic to expect them to change. You tried to fit in. It didn’t work. It happens. I think it’s important to distinguish between activity partners and real friends.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by jesyka

I was assertive with them. I clearly told them no directly many times. They harassed me to death & I stupidly let them get away with taking my pic a few times.

I said no. How is that being passive agressive? I was direct with telling how I feel. If I were to be passive aggressive, I’d ghost them. At least I explained things to them.

How do you think I should’ve handled things?

I think passive aggressive component is agreeing to something you don’t want to do and then being angry about it.

It’s the same people pleasing you hate in others. When people agreed to do things with you you even though they didn’t want to, you called them people pleasers and said you can’t stand people pleasers.

But you are being one yourself: changing your plans, agreeing to take pics, changing restaurants etc It’s ok to accommodate others but not if you resent it and later confront people about things that you agreed to.

Either accommodate people out of goodness of your heart or don’t accommodate them. I don’t think it’s wise to accommodate everyone but then be angry and confrontational about it.

[jesyka]

Originally Posted by Motts

I think you handled things well. You are true to yourself and that's really all you can do. The two friends who ignored your feelings did so, because they are insecure and clearly don't like being held accountable for their mean behavior.

Real friends, in my opinion, respect us when we share how their actions make us feel, and show us empathy and try to change or be more accomodating. Maybe that's unrealistic but that's the bar I set for people whom I interact with.

If I can apologize and try to change, I expect the same from others.

Your two friends clearly don't respect your feelings or they would have not ignored you and would have been mature enough to acknowledge their mistakes. Unfortunately, it sounds like they are selfish and aren't interested in respecting your feelings or admitting they were wrong.

The one friend who apologized to you is a good quality friend. The other two, aren't.

Thanks. You’re right about what you said.

[jesyka]

Originally Posted by AzulOscuro

Jesyca, your birthday date is pretty significant there in the States. One of my niece’s birthdays is at the same day, on July 4th. You are both cancer. It says people born under the sign of Cancer are very trustworthy. My wonderful niece actually is. Use your potentials for your own benefit. That way we will also learn to used them in benefits of the ones who are around you and you think are worthy of your time and friendship.

I’m a pisces. Idealistic and romantic.

Wish you luck and I encourage you to go on questioning, sharing your struggles in regards and go on working. Look at how many people here are ready to give you insight. You must be proud. Not all people have this luck.

Thanks. They still would’ve pushed & begged knowing them. They were obsessed with their stupid group pics, ugh! I did the right thing in cutying them out of my life,

[jesyka]

Originally Posted by AzulOscuro

Jesyca, your birthday date is pretty significant there in the States. One of my niece’s birthdays is at the same day, on July 4th. You are both cancer. It says people born under the sign of Cancer are very trustworthy. My wonderful niece actually is. Use your potentials for your own benefit. That way we will also learn to used them in benefits of the ones who are around you and you think are worthy of your time and friendship.

I’m a pisces. Idealistic and romantic.

Wish you luck and I encourage you to go on questioning, sharing your struggles in regards and go on working. Look at how many people here are ready to give you insight. You must be proud. Not all people have this luck.

Cancers are trustworthy people. Pisces people tend to be similar too I heard.