Left a relationship b.c. something was missing...

Hello,

A few weeks ago I ended a relationship of about 6 months. We parted amicably and are on good terms. She is sad and I think she is struggling a little bit, but she seems to be Ok. We saw each other last night at an event with several other people.


I've struggled a little bit trying to figure out why I ended it. Over the years, I have gotten pretty good at discerning what my feeling are.


What is much harder for me is believing my feelings, or more specifically, trusting that it is Ok to feel whatever it is I am feeling. This mentality dates back a very long time to when I was young and some of the messages my parents gave me at that time.


But the gist of it is I have a very hard time believing my feelings are real ... and trusting them.

In this case, specifically, I didn't feel a sense of commitment with my partner. It's very sad, and I don't mean this is in a bad way ... but most of the time we were together ... I wish that we weren't. I secretly wished I was doing activities on my own, or having my freedom so I could date other people.

At the end of the day I just didn't feel it was fair to her to continue like this. I felt like I was living a lie, and I also didn't feel like I was honoring my own truth.

I still feel like I probably made the right decision. But it was hard seeing her last night.

If you didn’t feel commitment you made a good choice to leave. I had relationships where I was one foot out the whole time and felt as I was better off alone or that I’d rather be somewhere else. In fact all my relationships were that way. I felt I’d rather be doing something else so eventually I’d end it.

Thanks! I have had some relationships where I was one foot in and one foot as well. And others where I was fully invested. This was clearly a case of the former...

I am fully invested in my marriage. It’s the only relationship I have where I am fully invested. Deep inside I knew other people were not right for me so mentally I had my foot out the door. I didn’t always listen to my guts so I am glad you did.

Your emotions are yours and they are what they are. You are entitled to have your emotions and nobody has a say in that. They might not be helping you, they might not be constructive but they are part of your subjective reality.

It is true that many people - sometimes even including therapists - might judge you or even deny you are having them but truly, they are yours.

My parents told me many times over that if I wasn't feeling something a certain way, that I was just being silly and it was my fault for feeling, or not feeling, something.

I have spent decades trying to unlearn this message, but it's something that is very hard to do. But I'm trying.

I married someone because I thought that I should feel something for her, and my parents approved of her. But I'm not sure I ever really fell in love with her.

I'm trying to not repeat that same mistake. But it is very hard not to fall into old habits...