Boyfriend with trust issues

I know he loves me but he says he can't fully trust me or let himself love me as much as i love him. He says if you do that's how you get hurt because of his past experiences. I myself have trust issues so i kinda understand but it still makes me feel sad. I appreciate his honesty though. Sometimes i feel like if i was more lovable things would be different but i know that's not really true, he just finds it hard to love in general. I understand it but i can't stop getting sad about it.

I'm sorry you find yourself in that situation. Wish I knew what to say to help.

Trust issues, I think, spring from many sources, even sources in early childhood. Maybe I am wrong about that.

Some people say couples therapy helps but I don't know much about it.

Sometimes time has a healing effect on old wounds and feelings.

So sorry I don't know how to help.

Hopefully others here with more wisdom and experience will see your post and respond with better words than my poor words.

My heart goes out to you!

How does his lack of full trust play out in daily life?

It sounds like he is not ready to be in a relationship, then.

Being in a relationship with you (or anyone, since he cannot trust another person) is a disservice to you and to your relationship.

If he does not work on himself, his insecurities may escalate (e.g. jealousy, controlling behaviour... or worse). At best, you will always feel the pain of not being loved enough because he is withholding a part of himself and his love from you. This is not a healthy partnership.

It sounds like you will be perpetually frustrated in this relationship, and you already know that. Of course, you're sad. I also think you're being bamboozled somewhat. Emotionally, he takes more than he gives, but you forgive him and permit that to continue because you feel so sorry for how his trust was abused in the past. Poor guy . . . he got treated so bad . . . and his sensitive little heart just can't heal. Better give him a bunch more love.

First of all, never assume that you're getting the full story about his past. Try to separate out what is factual from what is the spin he's putting on things. All human beings tend to spin stories in a way that doesn't threaten their self-esteem. You weren't there to witness what happened in his previous relationships. I'm not saying he's lying. I am saying that he sees things through a filter. All of us do. He's human. He remembers how his expectations got disappointed. Maybe he did some disappointing himself. Maybe he was unrealistic in what he expected. Probably, a lot went on that you have little idea about. Try to read between the lines. He's given you more information than you realize, once you let go of looking at his history only as he wants you to see it. You don't have to challenge him or argue with him. You do need to recognize that there's more than one side to his stories.

Secondly, maybe you know for a fact that he was treated poorly in the past. You don't have to automatically buy his reasoning that his coldness toward you is just him protecting his delicate self from further betrayal. He knows that he's short-changing you in the love department, which he admits. He has constructed this philosophy of living, whereby it's cool to be aloof and withholding of warmth because only a sucker does differently. Don't endorse that. Stop feeling sorry for him. Getting over disappointment is part of life. Maybe he had some tough experiences. Maybe he gave more than he got in a past relationship. That happens lots of times to lots of people. So he moved on, and now he has you. Don't encourage his tendency to ruminate about past hurts and harbor bitterness because once something didn't turn out as he had hoped. We have a right to have hopes. We have the right to cry for a while when a hope gets shattered. No one has the right to keep using a past disappointment as an excuse to stay bitter and cold. No one who does that deserves a ton of sympathy.

Doesn't make much of a difference, he's not especially suspicious of me or anything like that. He's just not attached because he thinks everyone hurts eachother in the end and refuses to risk getting hurt again.

Moose,

I think Rose wrote an excellent post. I also suggest to you that you detach yourself and see what his reaction to it will be. If he feels it and complains, explain to him that you have shown him what it feels like to be on the receiving end of coldness and detachment and tell him that he either learns to be different and accepts that life is full of risks and takes a risk with you, or that you will leave him because the relationship as is fills you with nothing but sadness and you have to think of your long-term self interest in the end.

If it helps, try seeing Anxious- avoidant and anxious insecure attachment styles.
Brief explanation in my own words:
Basically the avoidant person avoids intimacy due to precious betrayals. The insecure one feels they can love them and heal them. That they might change with their love. The avoidant one keeps running and the other keeps chasing.
See if it applies to your situation

How many truly good relationships actually exist? How many to we look at & think they are really good whwn in reality there are some serious relationship issues? This is a mental health forum, how many people with or without mental health issues REALLY have the skills to have that really good relationship?

These are just questions I have asked myself all my life. At my age I have come to the conclusion.....NONE. Even what look like really good relationships have some serious issues going on behind the scenes. Sometimes we either have to adapt or we have to realize the relationship really isn't for us because our needs just aren't being met. Sometimes we can search all our life & they never will be met. Sometimes we are lucky to find that need met but something else will be a problem.

I decided that I wasn't interested in any relationships because of the dysfunction I lived around for 54 years. It takes all my energy to have functional friendships with others so I just do my own thing. It takes years to sort out our feelings on what we want to tolerate or not & weigh the pros & cons.

I know people with trust issues who stay for financial reasons....or other reasons. Something we have to figure out with our own heart