Friends asking for a lot and "people pleasing"

Hi,

I have this one friend that sent a mass group text telling everyone to "save the date" that involved going out to a city that is really inconvenient to get to and pretty much impossible to drive/park in, and it is a really big expense since she expects everyone to pay her way and also get a hotel, and they are super expensive in that area. It is for a birthday, and it is not a "big" birthday, if that makes sense. I made up an excuse, but I really wish I could have just said no that I don't feel like it. But I just didn't have the heart to do so. It just seems like a lot, and I thought it was presumptuous, but not sure if it is just me for thinking that way?. I have this feeling that she would be annoyed and that it would hurt the friendship if I said I was not up to it.

On top of that, people in the group text keep texting at weird hours and carrying on conversation, and I do not know these people. I was getting texts at 5am and 12am that are nonsense, and I do not know any of them except for my friend. I just found out how to silence it.

My other friend just asked if I'd be willing to do something for her birthday that requires a lot of physical activity, and I said no since I'm really not up for it. She did not get back to me yet. It took a lot for me to say "no." Hopefully she isn't upset at me. It was easier for me to say no since she texted me individually and just asked me if it was something I was interested in.

I wish I could work on not people-pleasing and wondering if anyone has any suggestions when it comes to turning down invitations that are out of your comfort zone or simply something you really do not want to do. I do understand sometimes we need to do things for people we do not want to do, so it is a hard balance. Also.... do you think my friend was asking for too much?

That (the birthday party) sounds like it is not going to end well.

Birthday party? lol save a date, hotel, elaborate planning is fitting for a wedding.

I don’t think you need to tell her anything specific. “Can’t make it” good enough. The only events I’d travel to be in a hotel and endure huge expense would be a wedding of a very close relative or a best friend and bar/bat mitzvah of a very close relative like a nephew. That is it.

No traveling for birthday parties

The first one is a huge ask, IMO. Especially if the birthday girl isn't footing the bill. The fact she expects other people to pay for her is outrageous unless her group of friends has a tradition of doing this for each other.


The second request - she asked you, and you said no. That should be fine.

Making up an excuse is fine. I think a lot of people do that if they don't want to potentially hurt someone's feelings. But I think it should also be okay to say that you don't want to spend so much money, or drive somewhere unfamiliar.

I’m not sure I understand, the friend whose birthday it is expects you all to pay for their hotel/night out as well as your own etc?
That’s crazy if that’s true.

I don’t think people should feel obligated to do these things. I think it should be something, if you want to do it/can afford it- great! But if not, no stress!

I think that there is a balance between effort /stepping outside comfort zones and friendship.

For example one of my good friends is having a birthday bbq/beach walk in another city (well just outside) but I’m working that weekend. So I just messaged to say I’m sorry but I would like to celebrate with her by having a dinner, just the two of us the following week.

Anyway, I hope you’re doing ok!

I hate group texts! I'm not real adept with the ins and outs of using digital devices. Recently I sent a text that I intended for one person, and it went to a group instead. Thank goodness the content was nothing that caused me embarrassment.

I don't think the person who sent you the invitation did anything egregiously bad. She possibly feared she might insult someone by under-inviting. You are perfectly free to decline. She would have zero right to take any offense whatsoever by your opting to miss this event.

I once got a similar invitation to a birthday party. It involved me renting a car and getting a hotel room. I only went because I very much wanted to go. The person throwing the party and the person being celebrated had both done huge favors for me in the past. I was pleased to be invited. I didn't feel the least bit obligated. I just wanted to rekindle our mutual connections. I had a good time.

Had I chosen not to go, I probably would have made some thin pretext of an excuse, like - "I just can't get away on that date, but thanks for thinking of me."

Generally, I don't like to give false excuses to people. My philosophy is that, if I'm telling a lie out of fear, then I'm letting myself be intimidated. Generally, I don't owe anyone an explanation for me doing what I choose to do. However, in the case of a situation like this, I opt for whatever just smoothes out my interaction with the inviting person. I wouldn't make up some big story about some previously planned engagement. That would be me letting myself feel pressured. I'ld just say, "Thanks, but I just can't make it."

One time I got mad at a friend who asked me to do something that would have been a real imposition on me. I gave her a big lecture on how she was asking for too much. When I finished, she responded, "All you had to say was - 'No.'" Well my friend taught me a good lesson. Now I don't get upset when someone makes an inconsiderate request. I just think: "Nice try, friend! Keep dreamin'." Then I might make the flimsiest of excuses, like: "I'ld love to help you out, but I'll be busy taking a nap at that hour." That's my way of saying: "Kiss my behind." People who make outlandish requests often have no shame, so you're not upsetting anyone.

Thanks for the feedback everyone... I'll keep this in mind moving forward when these situations come up!

Rose76 hit on the best advice I ever got- which is don't make a lot of excuses or justify yourself. Just directly state your position in a polite way. A good response to the party might be something like "That sounds like it will be a lot of fun, but I'm afraid I won't be able to make it." If they press, then you just state a simple point and dont expand on it (that gives your power away) something like "I'm busy that weekend."

At one point I thought I was good at boundaries, and while I was to some extent, I wasn't actually comfortable doing it. The key is to feel comfortable and confident in your choices, then you aren't inclined to make up excuses or over explain yourself. It's your life, you get to decide what you want to do and not do!

I despise group text/chats for the most part because they are very disruptive IME. DH's family has a group chat (of which I am not a part both by choice and not). He has such FOMO that he will ignore the people he's with, or activities he's engaged in, to make sure he doesn't fall out of favor with the group

Thank you. I guess I felt I needed to explain the excuse is because this is one of my best friends, and it is her birthday. She took me out for my birthday, but we just went to a simple restaurant rather than going to the city, getting a hotel, etc.

I agree with sometimes giving an excuse. There's a difference between rationalizing your decision out of fear and doing so in the interest of being charitable and preserving goodwill. If this gal has been a dear friend, you do want to avoid being hurtful. Just keep it simple, and know you are well within your rights to decline attending. An invitation is not a summons.