Need some advice and thoughts...

Hello everyone. I came to you guys because I need a little advice/thoughts on a big struggle I'm going through.

So I've been with my partner for a couple months under 2 years now, truly thought she was the one, most special person I've met, fell deeply in love yadda-yadda, but I've slowly been coming to grips with, and realizing she honestly is not the one for me, and I do not want to and can not spend the rest of my life with them.

Now due to my various personal issues (medical, health etc.) I sometimes kinda struggle with... well, many things, but mainly for the sake of this post, I worry and fear that when/if I am finally able to end the relationship, what's going to get me is only being able to remember and feel any/all of the good times we had and good things, and I'm not only not going to be able to remember and feel the bad negative things and reasons, but I'll even go so far as to doubt and question myself on how valid such things were; for instance when remembering something negative and bad I might doubt myself on whether or not I was just overthinking it, or I was just exaggerating it myself in the heat of the moment, like I was in the wrong and just misunderstood it, etc.

I hope I'm explaining this right and the point I'm trying to make, makes sense... Like, I even have documented and kept track of a lot of the serious red flags and things, so I can go back and actually read them not just going by memory, but the problem with that is, I feel like when I were to go back and read them, like I said I'll question and doubt whether I was just seeing it wrong, exaggerating, heat of the moment, just my emotions etc. etc. if you know what I mean.

We do have some good times, and when it's good it's... fairly decent, but the bad and negative, unhealthy things and times have gotten worse and more outweighing, but like I said, I fear when/if it ends, I'll only be able to remember and think about and feel the good things feelings and times...

Sorry you are going through that ordeal.


Would you say that being around this person makes you feel bad more than 50% of the time? If you had to give percentages for the times you feel good and bad in this relationship, what do you think they would be?.


On another note, how good do you feel when you feel good and how bad do you feel when you feel bad in this relationship? For example, do times in this relationship make you feel 98% bad at their worst and 59% good at their best? How would you rate that sort of thing?

Perhaps this is a bad approach, I don't know. It sounds like you have already sat down and done the pros and cons of the relationship.

Do you think it would help to put all everything on paper so that in the future when you may be plagued by doubts that you could look at what you thought and felt back in the day?

I have to honestly confess that I never been too good at relationships so actually I am actually the last person on earth to offer you practical and concrete advice.

Hopefully other members here will have some ideas for you.

Sorry again you are suffering these things! It must be quite a mental and physical burden.

I'm also sorry that you are struggling with this.

You said you were documenting things, how about journaling? Rather than just note what has happened, you could record your feelings in association with them. I personally find this more validating- remembering what it was I felt in the moment versus analyzing what looks like by facts. IDK...

What I do know is that there are a lot of us on this forum who look back at red flags we saw early and didn't heed. It's hard to leave any relationship, but harder the older it gets. In so many ways it doesn't really matter how accurate or inaccurate your feelings may be, because you are still going to feel those, right?

If your heart already knows that person isn't the one, don't try to fit them into a mold in your mind. One YouTuber calls that "crap fitting" where instead of getting a truly good fit, you try and force it to be something it's not. Doing that isn't fair to either of you.

Hope you figure it out soon.

If you can remember the good, you can remember the bad.....same brain memory works for both.

I remember both about my ex & yes, the negative out weighed the good especially toward the end. The bad started early on when I put my foot down, set boundaries but he constandly found new bad stuff to do & at the end of 33 years I had enough. I remember both about him but the bad is firmly planted in my mind exactly why I left. We all are quite capable of remembering both as long as we put them BOTH firmly in our mind

Why would it be a problem if you could only remember the good?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bill3 Why would it be a problem if you could only remember the good?

Because then you keep wondering why you split up if it was so good. One needs to keep a REALITY (both good & bad reasons) understanding of exactly why one makes the actual choice one makes.

I remember the good & the bad from my marriage. The bad outweighed the good. Don't want to forget the bad either cause I NEVER want to make that STUPID choice again or feel bad I left