My mom takes my joy away

My mom takes all my joy away.

She makes me feel like everything important and exciting in my life is insignificant. She makes me feel like I don't matter. She lost all interest in my life no matter how hard I try to involve her or make her proud or make her excited or make her FEEL SOMETHING.

I wish she can understand how much pain I'm in. I'm crying now because she has hurt me so bad when I try so hard.

I am so very, very sorry that you are in that sad situation. It is really heartbreaking. Wish I knew what to say to help you. Sadly I was in a similar situation with my father and I had to parent myself with love to survive it although I still bear the scars. My heart goes out to you!

I, too, have been around a lot of people who will not acknowledge successes or share in your excitement. IME, it tends to be because of their own insecurities. In their minds, it's maybe not even about you so much as it's NOT about them. It's sad, but a lot of people are like that.

I'm really sorry you are dealing with this. My mother was similar (she now has dementia and I don't have contact with her). It is very hard, but over time, I had to sort of divest from her. I had to accept that she's not capable of being supportive of or happy for me. After so many disappointments, I didn't have much choice. I also pulled back in my relationship with her, keeping interactions superficial.


It seems like my grandmother was the same with her, so, she is repeating patterns. The sad thing is that she has no introspection and never realized this or got help.

Therapy helped me to some extent with accepting I can't change her.

I know how difficult it is.

I'm sorry for what you're going through. Can you give examples of how she makes you / your life feel insignificant?

I know that's a broad brush but I'm hoping you can give some more detail. I was also wondering if you talk to your mom about your feelings.

I am so sorry about what you are going through. I can relate to this.

I’m so sorry for what you’re experiencing
I find this so relatable.
I used to internalise everything but I have found ways of coping. I actually feel like I went through a period of ‘grief’ after my realisation that this was the case and probably always will be.

Do you have a therapist who you can talk this through with?

I'm very sorry to hear about what you're experiencing from someone who's supposed to nurture and encourage.

Sadly, I am yet another who can relate to this situation.

A recent discussion with my brother has been enlightening in so many ways. He's not the "golden child" I thought he was. He's now experiencing the same behaviour from our mother that I'd endured over the years.

Dont take her actions as a judgment on you. From what youve told us, she has her own ish. She lost her home too and had her whole life upended too, ya know, and it sounds like she wasnt the strongest person to begin with, healthwise etc. So maybe the parent child relationship is just changing.

When my own parents failed to give me what I sought from them - ie, validation, encouragement, positive reinforcement and unconditional love, I learned to seek these things on my own....

When our parents fail us, like your mother has, you eventually learn that attempting to gain from them what they cannot give you is like trying to get blood from a rock, so you stop trying.

And then, you give to yourself, what is missing from that relationship.

What I am saying is... validate yourself. Be proud for YOU, and don't try to seek this from your mom who cannot give it to you. Don't let her failure ruin your experience of joy! Be excited about your life all on your own, and share it with those people who CAN be excited for you, who can nurture and provide what you seek. You will not get it from your mom, but don't let that burst your bubble.

As we grow older and mature in life, we learn to rely less and less on our parents and that parent-child relationship dynamic changes. From your current standpoint, you still want validation and approval from your mom. Don't look at it this way anymore.. you don't need her validation or approval as an adult. So don't go looking for it. Provide it for yourself and find others who can support you in your journey and life endeavors.

Just sharing my own wisdom as a 52-year old female that has gone through something similar with my father.

I always took the attitude that I was the one who worked hard to achieve what I accomplished & I knew no one in my life (parents & later husband- now ex) could NEVER comprehend how it made me feel because none of them could ever relate. I myself got joy out of my accomplishments & that was good enough for me. I was basically discouraged but in my rebel self & basically told everyone to "stick it" & accomplished the goals I wanted to accomplish. Lol.....my dad was actually kinda proud when I graduated & got my computer engineering career.. but he would never say so.....but he never said "I told you so, not to do it".....so I took that as a silent approval.

My joy for everything comes from inside of me. I am the one who defines what is significant in my life or not. IF there is any outside support great but it doesn't make any difference how I feel about it.

I have found this attitude has served me well throughout 70 years of life.

So many great words of wisdom here on this thread. I wish I had someone saying these little earlier in my life,I could have saved so many precious years that I wasted pleasing them more and more in order to seek validation from my parents,which I never achieved. No matter how hard and long I tried,I was never enough.

Thank you to everyone who has responded.

I still cannot accept my mom the way she is.

I keep thinking she'll change, but she won't.

I planned a trip to visit my best friend two states away.

So I coordinated the whole trip **completely on my own** down to the last detail--the flights, the car rental, where I'm staying, finding extended parking, ALL the details, and my mom knew I intended to travel, but I left her completely out of the loop about all the planning until...

...I presented her an itinerary of my trip--I kept everything to the point, just the facts, the way she likes, because I want her in the loop if I'm flying out of state. I called her all excited and proud of myself that I did it on my own and thought she'd be so impressed, but when she answered...

The tone of her voice when she answered was immediate disgust, couldn't be bothered, couldn't be excited or happy for me, totally offended. I hung up on her after 40 seconds because her attitude was so awful.

And since then she still isn't talking to me because I called her out on it afterwards.

I'm trying to contact her less, but then she'll message me how much she misses me and haven't heard from me in a while, even if it's only been a few days.

I’m sorry your mother isn’t there for you the way you would like her to be. It’s not easy to be a parent. Often it isn’t until one is a parent themselves that they realize how challenging it really is. Children think their parents know more than they really know. Most don’t realize that their parent is still learning and trying to figure things out themselves.

I think unaluna made some important points. It sounds like your mother is experiencing a sense of personal failure because she suffered important losses.

I personally can see how things are so different now where people have access to so much more information then when I was younger. With that alone you will have advantages your mother never had.

Why was she offended or disgusted? I don't understand.

Whatever your mother's reasons... you must look after yourself. If you need to cut off contact with her, do it. Forgive her, but don't let her wreck your mood or your life.

My mother was an abusive nightmare. I forgave her and am still in touch with her, but she is still very difficult. I cut her off for a few years but then let her back into my life. I often wonder if that was the right thing to do because she causes me some heartache.

Even if you stay in touch, don't let her take up too much real estate in your head. Assume that she will never change, and you'll likely be right.