I am afraid of relationships

I used to be in "relationship" about which I wrote here few times, and people thought it wasn't relationship at all and I was delusional. That broke off couple of years ago, obviously it wasn't working and I was miserable 50% of time. However, it seems to me that in meantime I was getting into new relationships that had no way of succeeding at all. Like, I was with a man from another town who was also almost 15 years younger than me and in completely different stage of life and I was very aware it won't work. And that happened few times more. I didn't want to believe it but it seems to me now I am sabotaging my relationships on purpose by getting with men from different towns or even countries that there is no way I will meet more than once or ever, or with younger men or like my ex, men who have serious problems with commitment too and there is no way I will ever have them.
It looks like a pattern.
I didn't want to see it, but since now one man is interested in me, and he is single, lives in same town, and seems (at least for now) pretty normal, I kind of avoid him. I want to try but also I am extremely afraid I am going to lose my free time, my so to say "freedom" of doing whatever I want (my daughter is an adult and lives independent life so I actually can), and not have any commitment or any responsibility to anyone. To be honest, I like that. But it's a pickle since that means I will probably grow old and die alone, which is 100% possibility. On the other hand it doesn't see like a good idea to be with someone just because you don't want to grow old alone. But since I wasn't in serious or "normal" by society standards, relationship since my divorce 15 years ago, I got too comfortable with myself, my free time, my lack of any responsibility (I enjoy being a mom and adore my daughter so that doesn't count as responsibility to me), my being single... I miss sex sometimes but as I am over 50 now, not as much to be honest, not even close as maybe 10 years ago or more.
Question is, how do I know if I don't like this guy for whatever reason or I am really afraid of relationships? I am not sure if I should give him chance or not string poor guy along. I have no idea if I like him because I barely know him, he is physically attractive but not really my type, he has some flaws in personality but so do I.
How do you know if you are scared of relationship or you subconsciously don't like someone? I was single or in bad relationships for too long and I don't even know anymore.

I can definitely empathize with you from personal experience. Sadly when I was in that kind of situation I didn't really achieve a happy outcome.

Sometimes time helps to sort out competing, confusing and even conflicting motivations. Sometimes it doesn't though. The passage of time doesn't magically always bring clarity.

Hopefully members here with more knowledge, experience and insight will read your post today or in the coming days and respond with something truly helpful to you. Deepest apologies for not knowing how to be helpful to you. It must be really rough to be in the situation you describe. That's how it was for me.

I can imagine how it feels. I had too many relationships that ended because I was with some man who was unavailable, either too young for me, or too far away or unable to leave parents and his childhood home (at age over 45). Now, that one man who has no "issues" is interested in me, I kind of keep him on distance. I don't expect happy outcome, eventually he will give up.

I am not sure if I like him yet, I don't know him, but I feel literal panic when he asks me when we can meet next and that's like every two to three days which is too much for me, a perpetually single person. I don't know if I feel panic and need to run away and ghost him because on some level I don't like him, or because I have been single for too long and can't give it up, or I am too scared after all the times I've been hurt badly or... I don't know. I feel a bit pressured by him, but honestly, it's normal that man asks you to go out every couple of days when he is interested. So, why am I panicking?

What about just being friends with this man?

I understand your hesitation. It’s natural. Even if you find someone, there is no guarantee that you will die with company or alone. You do not know what the future holds. Someone older could outlive you if you were to get sick. There are no guarantees.

I would love to be friend with him! That is how I like to start my relationships. I get to know the person first then I can love them. I know it's not common but that is how I "work" in relationships. I am that person with whom you have most chances when you are so to say "friend-zoned". I am very used to be alone, I am extremely independent, and as a single mom I didn't want to get into relationships anyway, because of my kid, but then I just got used to being alone. But my daughter is an adult now, and I still feel kind of pressured into this. It's not that I don't want relationship but this type of pressure scared me. He literally said on SECOND date when I barely know him, that he expects that we meet at least 2 to 3 times a week otherwise "why bother". And he said he is very jealous (I am not) and that he "always knows" when woman is lying where she was and that he knows "everything", which sounded a bit like a threat. but I might be wrong here.
I also like men who are a bit nerdy, clumsy, who I can love with all their flaws because I like people being human. This man is too perfect. He presents himself as a saint, I can't read him, after 2 dates I have no idea who he is, and being pressured into seeing him every few days is a bit much to me. I don't want to grow old alone but I don't want to be pressured into something I am not sure about. I need time, but he won't give me time. Maybe I am not afraid of relationships, maybe I am afraid of him?

The man you consider dating sounds horrid. He tells you all these things after one date! I think your sense of panic isn’t because you are afraid of relationships but because you are about to end up with yet another jerk! Stay away

Yes, stay away - he sounds very insecure. He already doesn't trust you. That is just an excuse to be violent. You don't need that.

I don't know if he is violent but it bothers me that he can't realize I need time to get to know someone and I can't really straight away into 1 to 2 dates promise we will meet every 3 days at least, otherwise "it won't work". It feels pressuring. Especially since I told him I am very introverted and I need time to get into relationship, unless I know the person for months or even years. I usually dated long time male friends, and my ex husband was extremely patient with me considering we were in early 20s when we started dating. He really gave me time. Pity our marriage didn't work, but I am glad we have a child.
Since I had a lot of male friends, I tend to "read" men pretty easily, even when they lie, I usually know who am I talking too quite fast. Men are simple, open and they are not great at lying and manipulating... not usually. And I really tend to like people with flaws, because I find them endearing, human, normal... when someone is presenting themselves as perfect and all his exes were "crazy" and I can't read that person at all, I tend to get cautious. And I don't like being pressured, or warned that he "always knows" whatever am I doing. I may be very wrong in this case but something is just telling me that I should be careful. Instinct or just plain fear of commitment?

The guy is bad news. Everything he says is plain awful. You need to run. No it’s not fear of commitment. I can’t even imagine what guys say these things to women. There should be no second date whatsoever. Bye. Lose his number

I am surprised you claim to read men well. You’ve been manipulated by men repeatedly, so I don’t think you read them well at all. I think you are a sweet person and want to see the best in people but you got to get savvy with these manipulative guys or you’d get suck into misery again

I am sad now. Seems like my whole love life was a big lie and awful in general. No one ever really loved me. I never meet men who are loving, caring, calm and nurturing. I always get those who want sex on first date and say things like "this is just fun, right?", or those who can never ever commit, or those who are super controlling, or liars, scammers, men who ghost me or play games and hard to get... I feel like maybe I don't deserve love. What else could explain that someone has never been loved? Something might be really wrong with me. Everyone can find love. I can't. No wonder I am afraid of relationships. It's been going wrong for me my whole freaking life.
I can't do this anymore, I will just turn to my daughter and my dad and help cats. At least, cats are straight with you, they don't lie, yes they love me for food but they are not two faced like people.
I am really, really sad.

I am sorry. It’s not easy.

I married at 50 and prior to that men I’ve met were not a good match. My two best girlfriends never been married and they are wonderful people. Many women are married or in relationships but their partners are so awful that I’d rather be alone. They settled for substandard relationships or are too dependent on men to be on their own. You might be better off than these women. At least you don’t need a man and you aren’t stuck in bad marriage.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you.

This guy you were writing about has red flags all over him. On the upside, he’s telling you who he is. And this is the best behavior you will see him display, which means you have not seen his worst side. Hey! Just like he told you up front, you could tell him you’d rather be friends first. And then meet some of his friends and find out what they think of him.

You are better off alone than in bad company. Don’t be with someone because you are lonely or feel like you should. I did and am getting a divorce. Could I stay married? Well, yes. And I would be miserable.

Don’t think all couples are happy. Some are, yes.

Try to do more of what makes you happy.

I don't know anymore 😔 I am tired of dating, tired of somehow always finding the wrong men. My ex still wants me to "wait for him" although it's obvious that he knows we will never be together. Last one aftee him wanted "just fun" then ghosted me and had audacity to try to contact me again after 6 months of ghosting. This one wants to control me after two dates, and also ghosted me after I said I can't meet him on Saturday because I had plans. He was cemented in belief that in order for us to work we have to meet every few days. I am so tired. Maybe I am the problem as I am the only same factor in all these.
I think at this point I just want to be alone. I am done.

Most working people with responsibilities will not be meeting anyone every few days. He’s delusional. “Wait for me”? Is he in prison?

Yeah being alone isn’t the worst. Better than these bozos. My girlfriends live a busy life and have no kids or husbands. You can still very much enjoy your life

It's like he wrote me off because I said I am not free this Saturday and I was so tired. Now that I think of it he does sound high maintenance and contolling. He ghosted me after I cancelled a date and even told me he does that if his date doesn't meet himevery 2-3 days. After 2 dates it's a bit too much.
My ex has extremely sick parents he takes care of 24h a day literally. I won't go into details but they are very sick and will never get better, their horrible disabilities will only get worse sadly. Even now he can't leave them alone for more tban an hour. They are very poor so they don't have any help and he does all that alone including all chores and medical care. While I think it's very noble of him and extdemely hard and demanding to do this tellimg me to wait for him can last years. And I can't help him no one can. Life can suck.