[rdgrad15]

Does anyone feel incredibly uncomfortable asking for other people's phone numbers? I used to be able to do this many years ago but I'm now super uncomfortable about it. It stems from people not wanting to be bothered and accidentally coming off as needy or too eager. I know other people are able to do this without any problems but I just don't have it in me to take that initiative anymore due to the fear of being seen as needy or too eager to start a friendship or for any other reason.

This actually goes hand in hand with taking the initiative to talk to other people in social situations. I've seen some people ask for other people's phone numbers the first time they meet without any problems but if I do it then it looks cringy and clingy. The only rare occasions I take the initiative is if I absolutely need it for a work related reason and even then I absolutely hate asking and others don't particularly like it either even though they share numbers with each other. Otherwise I just wait for people to take that initiative to give me their number and ask for mine since if they truly want to have mine and want me to have theirs then they will ask.

[Yaowen]

I do have that problem at times so I can definitely identify.

If you are interested in my approach please feel free to read on. Otherwise, I hope you find things that work for you in these situations since it can be so frustrating and disheartening.

If you permit me to offer an analogy that might help you . . .

People are in some limited respects like computers. There are many ways computers acquire, store and process information: hard drive, soft drive, apps, flash drives, user input, viruses and and and.

For humans it is more like genetics, prenatal and childhood and young adulthood influences. Good and bad experiences remembered or forgotten. People are also influenced by strong emotions, fears, conflicting feelings, habits and even unconscious or barely conscious forces.

So when you meet someone, it is not like they are an empty container that is just receiving data from what they see, hear and say to you. That is like maybe 1/10th of what is going on inside them.

For this reason, quick], says way more about them than you. For this reason it isn't helpful to take their responses personally.

Maybe a concrete example would help you or others who read this.

I knew a girl who was badly emotionally abused by her father who happened to have a mustache. This girl perhaps didn't think much about it. But at an unconscious level she rejected all men with mustaches.

They probably felt hurt and rejected but the problem was her not them.

Another girl I knew grew up with a kind of gangster father who was emotionally unavailable to her and cruel to her. She need love from this father but didn't get it.

After she grew up, she sought out criminal types like her father. She thought she could make them love her. She actually disliked and was turned off by "nice" men. Nice men didn't meet her deepest needs.

I'm pretty sure the men she rejected were confused, hurt and felt that her rejections were a blow to their self-worth and self-esteem. But actually it wasn't them. It was her.

So I think [and I could be wrong since I am often wrong] that if you ask for a phone number with all this information in that back of your mind, perhaps you will not feel so bad if the person declines to give you their phone number.

People like different things. When I go to the market I see people buy plums and not apples. Some buy pears but not peaches. Some get blueberries but not cherries while others choose cherries first.

This does NOT say anything about the fruit. Since fruit do not have feelings, they can't feel nervous or feel rejected.

People are like this too. There are people who are going to take a liking to you and give you a chance to explore a relationship and some who won't.

I think if you understand the complex logic of this, perhaps you will not feel so bad about the sting of rejection and will learn to shrug it off with practice.

And perhaps you will feel a little bit more emboldened to take chances asking for telephone numbers.

Now I am not a very wise person so perhaps my post has been unhelpful to you and made you feel worse. So I want to apologize. It is difficult to know what to say to someone sometimes.

I do hope other members here will see your post and respond with better words than my poor words. As a shy person myself and one with not the greatest self-esteem, my heart goes out to you and I sure hope you find things will be helpful for you. Best to luck regrad15!

[Open Eyes]

I feel hesitant. Not everyone cares to give out their number. I don’t just give mine out to anyone as I am a private person.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by Yaowen

I do have that problem at times so I can definitely identify.

If you are interested in my approach please feel free to read on. Otherwise, I hope you find things that work for you in these situations since it can be so frustrating and disheartening.

If you permit me to offer an analogy that might help you . . .

People are in some limited respects like computers. There are many sources for how they process information: hard drive, soft drive, apps, flash drives, user input, viruses and malware and and and.

For human it is more like genetics, prenatal and childhood and young adulthood influences. Good and bad experiences remembered or forgotten. People are also influenced by strong emotions, fears, conflicting feelings, habits and even unconscious or barely conscious forces.

So when you meet someone, it is not like they are an empty container that is just receiving data from what they see, hear and say to you. That is like maybe 1/10th of what is going on inside them. For this reason, quick acceptance [for example giving a phone number] or rejection [not giving it, says way more about them than you. For this reason it isn't helpful to take their responses personally.

Maybe a concrete example would help you or others who read this. I knew a girl who was badly emotionally abused by her father who happened to have a mustache. This girl perhaps didn't think much about it. But at an unconscious level she rejected all men with mustaches. They probably felt hurt and rejected but the problem was her not them.

Another girl I knew grew up with a kind of gangster father who was emotionally unavailable to her and cruel to her. She need love from this father but didn't get it. After she grew up she sought out criminal types like her father. She thought she could make them love her. She actually disliked and was turned off by "nice" men. Nice men didn't meet her deepest needs. I'm pretty sure the men she rejected were confused, hurt and felt that her rejections were a blow to their self-worth and self-esteem. But actually it wasn't them. It was her.

So I think [and I could be wrong since I am often wrong] that if you ask for a phone number with all this information in that back of your mind, perhaps you will not feel so bad if the person declines to give you their phone number.

People like different things. When I go to the market I see people buy plums and not apples. Some by pears but not peaches. Some get blueberries but not cherries while others choose cherries first. This does NOT say anything about the fruit. Since fruit do not have feelings, They can't feel nervous or feel rejected. People are like this too. There are people who are going to take a liking to you and give you a chance to explore a relationship and some who won't. I think if you understand the complex logic of this, perhaps you will not feel so bad about the sting of rejection and will learn to shrug it off with practice. And perhaps you will feel a little bit more emboldened to take chances asking for telephone numbers.

Now I am not a very wise person so perhaps my post has been unhelpful to you and made you feel worse. So I want to apologize. I do hope other members here will see your post and respond with better words than my poor words. As a shy person myself and one with not the greatest self-esteem, my heart goes out to you and I sure hope you find things will for you. Best to luck regrad15!

Oh you are fine, everything you said is true and some people will like you while others don’t. Yep I agree that in most cases, rejection says more about them than you. It makes sense since there’s really nothing wrong with asking for someone’s number within reason, people do it all the time. I think the biggest issue is really just not wanting to come off as off putting or clingy, I know at times people who do ask for numbers or want to make friends are actually clingy and too eager and I don’t want to be seen like that.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

I feel hesitant. Not everyone cares to give out their number. I don’t just give mine out to anyone as I am a private person.

Same here, some people are just more private. I’m a private person too, I give out my number if someone asks but otherwise I’m pretty private myself.

[Discombobulated]

Yes I don’t usually like to ask unless I have a concrete practical reason (work or volunteering) I’ve also become more reluctant over time to ask for this. I will offer my number to people easier though as it is less intrusive to leave it with them.

I’ve also not felt comfortable sending friend requests on Facebook either when I was previously more comfortable. I have been withdrawing more since maybe the pandemic. Don’t know if this resonates with you.

Do you feel like you’d want to ask for numbers more easily or are you okay with it as it is?

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by Discombobulated

Yes I don’t usually like to ask unless I have a concrete practical reason (work or volunteering) I’ve also become more reluctant over time to ask for this. I will offer my number to people easier though as it is less intrusive to leave it with them.

I’ve also not felt comfortable sending friend requests on Facebook either when I was previously more comfortable. I have been withdrawing more since maybe the pandemic. Don’t know if this resonates with you.

Do you feel like you’d want to ask for numbers more easily or are you okay with it as it is?

I absolutely agree, I don’t mind giving out my number since it is less intrusive. I let others make that choice, if they take the initiative and give me their number without me asking then I will accept it but I will never ask for their number first. I’m like you, I feel like I need to have a genuinely good reason to ask for someone’s number and it always involves work. Same goes for social media requests too, I’ve become more reluctant to ask long before the pandemic but the pandemic definitely made me more reluctant than before.

[Yaowen]

One of the hard lessons I have learned in my life is that people are by and large profoundly influenced by the content that their brain pushes into their conscious thought stream.

Everybody lives in the world and in their mind too.

The mind generates a constant "waterfall" of thoughts and other content that just "pops" into a person's consciousness. Lots of folks never reflect much on this.

And lots of people almost regard their thought stream as though it were some kind of infallible revelation that they have to take seriously.

But the fact is, I think, we have reflexive consciousness. We can be victims of our thought stream but also can sometimes step out of it and look at it as though from above.

I don't believe that we have any real control over the cascade of thoughts that bombard people every moment of the day. Heck, we barely have influence over our own thought stream except in moments of reflection and clarity.

It might seem like there are infallible ways to control another person's thought stream about us for example. If I smile, x will happen to the other person. If I give a gift, x will happen. If I am shy, x will happen. If I am outgoing, x will happen.

My feeling, which might be in error, is that people are too complex for this kind of thing. There are people who like shy people. People who like aggressive people. People who like crude people. People who like touchy feely people and people who despise them. Some people regard kindness as goodness. Some regard it as weakness.

I don't know about anyone else, but I feel like I have wasted a lot of my lifetime trying to influence the thought streams of other people.

I have a book at home called "How to get anybody to do anything." It is very interesting and kind of psychologically astute, but I don't think it is full proof by any means.

I've been nice to people who thought I was stupid for not being cynical and hard. I've been less than kind to people who told me they admired me for that. Some people feel close to me when I am in casual clothes. Others are put off by it. When I wear a suit some people have liked it. Others have resented it and thought I was trying to be a big shot.

I don't think we can reliably base our self-worth on what other people think or feel about us. A million and one things have come to be in this person I face in an elevator. I mean it. A million and one things since they were babies until now.

I am trying to be kind of done with worrying about what people think about me and kind of done with all the afterthoughts: Did they think I was too weak or too strong, too smart or too dumb, too ogullible or too cynical, too humorous or too solemn, too outgoing or too shy, too beautiful or too ugly, too lazy or too ambitious, too good or too bad.

People have all these "toos" Too this too that.

And most people, I suspect think there "toos" are Truth and that others are not right.

There is a joke about two men in a hotel lobby. One is watching the other. The other man walks up to women and asks them something. After that he gets slapped in the face. After a while the man asks the other man: "What are you saying to these women that they slap you?" He replies, I am asking them if they would go out with me on a date." The other man says: "I bet you get slapped a lot." And he replies, "Yeah, but I sure get a lot of dates."

I don't know, but I think if we base our self-worth on what other people think of us, we are in for a world of hurt because we are placing our very value as human beings in the fickle mind of others. What do you think?

[eskielover]

I never ask unless the association requires it. I also mostly text so that the person can get back with me when THEY have time.

Ugh, those large group texts are a pain because many I don't know whose number it is & I am in several larger groups like that. The owners of the farms right around me I have all their #'s just in case of an emergency (lol....or an escaped cow)

[eskielover]

I don't know about anyone else, but I feel like I have wasted a lot of my lifetime trying to influence the thought streams of other people.

I quit doing that when I left my now ex-husband. Seriously....NOT MY JOB. I have learned if I don't care for their thought streams I walk away. Trying to influence is a waste of time but I will never walk away without telling them why. However even then I have found their thought streams don't even allow them to process the "why".

I had a guy from high school & college contact me (messenger) a few years ago. It was like talking in circles with him & a waste of my time & really nothing in common & he got obnoxious. I initially unfriended him then had to block him. He wished me happy birthday this year through a friend & wanted to talk through why I blocked him. Told the mutual friend nicely that I had explained & nothing he would have to say would change what I thought & why. Some just don't get it & I have a busy life I don't need to waste on things like that.

Lol....no matter what the book says no one can get me to do anything I don't want to do.

[nonightowl]

Originally Posted by rdgrad15

Does anyone feel incredibly uncomfortable asking for other people's phone numbers? I used to be able to do this many years ago but I'm now super uncomfortable about it. It stems from people not wanting to be bothered and accidentally coming off as needy or too eager. I know other people are able to do this without any problems but I just don't have it in me to take that initiative anymore due to the fear of being seen as needy or too eager to start a friendship or for any other reason.

This actually goes hand in hand with taking the initiative to talk to other people in social situations. I've seen some people ask for other people's phone numbers the first time they meet without any problems but if I do it then it looks cringy and clingy. The only rare occasions I take the initiative is if I absolutely need it for a work related reason and even then I absolutely hate asking and others don't particularly like it either even though they share numbers with each other. Otherwise I just wait for people to take that initiative to give me their number and ask for mine since if they truly want to have mine and want me to have theirs then they will ask.

Odd that you started this thread, as I was just thinking about this! And decided to see what threads you started, and voila!

I don't do this anymore, not for years and years. There was one exception when I saw this woman at the library I THOUGHT I had a good rapport with. She was always there at the same time, next to me on the computers---pre-COVID. I saw her the first time and after years. I gave her MY number, and I didn't ask for hers. Yet she gave it to me, in hindsight I think, out of politeness. She then gave me some lame excuse that her phone is out of order.

I've had people tell me this before: Their phone is broken, their phone has no service, they lost my number, their contacts got erased, etc. and it turned out to be a lie. If you're going to do that, at least be original.

She never did call me and I did not call her, as my BS radar was picking up something.

I've had people ask for MY number, yet never call me. Then why ask? In some cases, I also had their number. But when calling I got the message of "Why are you calling me?" Well you gave me your effing number, that's why.

I've found it better to give MY info, that way if they are truly interested they will contact me. It's up to them, gives them the choice. Like you I don't want to seem too needy either, as I've been told that when simply trying to make friends. We are social creatures, humans are hard wired to seek out others. It was originally for survival and it still is, whether people admit it or not.

Originally Posted by rdgrad15

I absolutely agree, I don’t mind giving out my number since it is less intrusive. I let others make that choice, if they take the initiative and give me their number without me asking then I will accept it but I will never ask for their number first. I’m like you, I feel like I need to have a genuinely good reason to ask for someone’s number and it always involves work. Same goes for social media requests too, I’ve become more reluctant to ask long before the pandemic but the pandemic definitely made me more reluctant than before.

I agree. I don't ask unless it's needed like you said, such as if the book club gets cancelled, or if I'm going to be late, I need the number of one of the leaders so I can contact them. Stuff like that.

That pandemic has also done a real number on me too, in more ways than one....

I thought it would bring people together but it had the opposite effect. It's not just physically distancing but people just kept to themselves, maybe not even going online anymore.

[DoroMona]

I only ask for people's numbers when there's a practical reason for it. For example, I like to have my neighbors' phone numbers and I'm very direct in asking for any new neighbor's number immediately. What often makes me feel more comfortable about it is saying something in explanation, like: "Just in case I have an emergency--or you have an emergency and need something." All my neighbors have been more than glad to share their numbers after that, often acknowledging that yeah, it's a matter of safety sometimes. Similarly, when I ask for someone's number, I often joke, "Don't worry, I promise I won't be calling and texting you incessantly or anything. This is just in case something comes up." So maybe having some go-to sentence like that would help you, when you do need or want a number.

[Gavreel]

Interesting. I just realized it too, times are changing and people are more paranoid so I wouldn't blame you for feeling uncomfortable about it. Before social media took off, it was really normal thing to ask for someone's number as everyone texted each other.

I still ask people for their numbers tho lol

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by Yaowen

One of the hard lessons I have learned in my life is that people are by and large profoundly influenced by the content that their brain pushes into their conscious thought stream.

Everybody lives in the world and in their mind too.

The mind generates a constant "waterfall" of thoughts and other content that just "pops" into a person's consciousness. Lots of folks never reflect much on this.

And lots of people almost regard their thought stream as though it were some kind of infallible revelation that they have to take seriously.

But the fact is, I think, we have reflexive consciousness. We can be victims of our thought stream but also can sometimes step out of it and look at it as though from above.

I don't believe that we have any real control over the cascade of thoughts that bombard people every moment of the day. Heck, we barely have influence over our own thought stream except in moments of reflection and clarity.

It might seem like there are infallible ways to control another person's thought stream about us for example. If I smile, x will happen to the other person. If I give a gift, x will happen. If I am shy, x will happen. If I am outgoing, x will happen.

My feeling, which might be in error, is that people are too complex for this kind of thing. There are people who like shy people. People who like aggressive people. People who like crude people. People who like touchy feely people and people who despise them. Some people regard kindness as goodness. Some regard it as weakness.

I don't know about anyone else, but I feel like I have wasted a lot of my lifetime trying to influence the thought streams of other people.

I have a book at home called "How to get anybody to do anything." It is very interesting and kind of psychologically astute, but I don't think it is full proof by any means.

I've been nice to people who thought I was stupid for not being cynical and hard. I've been less than kind to people who told me they admired me for that. Some people feel close to me when I am in casual clothes. Others are put off by it. When I wear a suit some people have liked it. Others have resented it and thought I was trying to be a big shot.

I don't think we can reliably base our self-worth on what other people think or feel about us. A million and one things have come to be in this person I face in an elevator. I mean it. A million and one things since they were babies until now.

I am trying to be kind of done with worrying about what people think about me and kind of done with all the afterthoughts: Did they think I was too weak or too strong, too smart or too dumb, too ogullible or too cynical, too humorous or too solemn, too outgoing or too shy, too beautiful or too ugly, too lazy or too ambitious, too good or too bad.

People have all these "toos" Too this too that.

And most people, I suspect think there "toos" are Truth and that others are not right.

There is a joke about two men in a hotel lobby. One is watching the other. The other man walks up to women and asks them something. After that he gets slapped in the face. After a while the man asks the other man: "What are you saying to these women that they slap you?" He replies, I am asking them if they would go out with me on a date." The other man says: "I bet you get slapped a lot." And he replies, "Yeah, but I sure get a lot of dates."

I don't know, but I think if we base our self-worth on what other people think of us, we are in for a world of hurt because we are placing our very value as human beings in the fickle mind of others. What do you think?

I think we all try to influence other people's way of thinking. We want them to like us and think like us which may or may not backfire.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by eskielover

I never ask unless the association requires it. I also mostly text so that the person can get back with me when THEY have time.

Ugh, those large group texts are a pain because many I don't know whose number it is & I am in several larger groups like that. The owners of the farms right around me I have all their #'s just in case of an emergency (lol....or an escaped cow)

Yep I don't ask unless there's a good reason and even then I wait for them to text first when they feel like it.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by eskielover

I quit doing that when I left my now ex-husband. Seriously....NOT MY JOB. I have learned if I don't care for their thought streams I walk away. Trying to influence is a waste of time but I will never walk away without telling them why. However even then I have found their thought streams don't even allow them to process the "why".

I had a guy from high school & college contact me (messenger) a few years ago. It was like talking in circles with him & a waste of my time & really nothing in common & he got obnoxious. I initially unfriended him then had to block him. He wished me happy birthday this year through a friend & wanted to talk through why I blocked him. Told the mutual friend nicely that I had explained & nothing he would have to say would change what I thought & why. Some just don't get it & I have a busy life I don't need to waste on things like that.

Lol....no matter what the book says no one can get me to do anything I don't want to do.

Yeah some people will never get it and you made the right call.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by nonightowl

Odd that you started this thread, as I was just thinking about this! And decided to see what threads you started, and voila!

I don't do this anymore, not for years and years. There was one exception when I saw this woman at the library I THOUGHT I had a good rapport with. She was always there at the same time, next to me on the computers---pre-COVID. I saw her the first time and after years. I gave her MY number, and I didn't ask for hers. Yet she gave it to me, in hindsight I think, out of politeness. She then gave me some lame excuse that her phone is out of order.

I've had people tell me this before: Their phone is broken, their phone has no service, they lost my number, their contacts got erased, etc. and it turned out to be a lie. If you're going to do that, at least be original.

She never did call me and I did not call her, as my BS radar was picking up something.

I've had people ask for MY number, yet never call me. Then why ask? In some cases, I also had their number. But when calling I got the message of "Why are you calling me?" Well you gave me your effing number, that's why.

I've found it better to give MY info, that way if they are truly interested they will contact me. It's up to them, gives them the choice. Like you I don't want to seem too needy either, as I've been told that when simply trying to make friends. We are social creatures, humans are hard wired to seek out others. It was originally for survival and it still is, whether people admit it or not.


I agree. I don't ask unless it's needed like you said, such as if the book club gets cancelled, or if I'm going to be late, I need the number of one of the leaders so I can contact them. Stuff like that.

That pandemic has also done a real number on me too, in more ways than one....

I thought it would bring people together but it had the opposite effect. It's not just physically distancing but people just kept to themselves, maybe not even going online anymore.

Yep exactly, I never understood why people take the initiative to give you their number only to get annoyed if you contact them. Once years ago, an acquaintance I got along with well gave me their number and I actually waited quite some time before initiating contact and just suggested we meet up if they felt like it. Their response was we're not friends, I just said I know that and was just suggesting something and saying hi. Also I've heard those lame excuses too, the only one that could actually happen is contacts being erased when getting a new phone since it's happened to me and even that is rare but other than that all those excuses are BS. People can be weird and I agree the pandemic made matters worse, I've noticed there's even less people online and the ones that are online seem to be more cold and unforgiving.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by DoroMona

I only ask for people's numbers when there's a practical reason for it. For example, I like to have my neighbors' phone numbers and I'm very direct in asking for any new neighbor's number immediately. What often makes me feel more comfortable about it is saying something in explanation, like: "Just in case I have an emergency--or you have an emergency and need something." All my neighbors have been more than glad to share their numbers after that, often acknowledging that yeah, it's a matter of safety sometimes. Similarly, when I ask for someone's number, I often joke, "Don't worry, I promise I won't be calling and texting you incessantly or anything. This is just in case something comes up." So maybe having some go-to sentence like that would help you, when you do need or want a number.

That's a smart idea and I usually take that approach when asking for a coworker's number. Even then one coworker seemed annoyed that I asked even after giving a very valid explanation even though she already had my number. People can really be so weird at times so you never know how someone will respond. I agree having a valid reason though definitely helps and I've joked around saying I'm not going to call or text them and being annoying as well since it does assure them that I won't be a bother.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by Gavreel

Interesting. I just realized it too, times are changing and people are more paranoid so I wouldn't blame you for feeling uncomfortable about it. Before social media took off, it was really normal thing to ask for someone's number as everyone texted each other.

I still ask people for their numbers tho lol

Yeah people have gotten more paranoid and the weird thing is they'll be more than happy to add you on social media where you can easily contact them anytime you want but then they get all weirded out by asking for a number. There have always been weird people but I swear the pandemic really made people weirder.

[nonightowl]

Originally Posted by rdgrad15

Yep exactly, I never understood why people take the initiative to give you their number only to get annoyed if you contact them. Once years ago, an acquaintance I got along with well gave me their number and I actually waited quite some time before initiating contact and just suggested we meet up if they felt like it. Their response was we're not friends, I just said I know that and was just suggesting something and saying hi. Also I've heard those lame excuses too, the only one that could actually happen is contacts being erased when getting a new phone since it's happened to me and even that is rare but other than that all those excuses are BS. People can be weird and I agree the pandemic made matters worse, I've noticed there's even less people online and the ones that are online seem to be more cold and unforgiving.

Now after all the bs I’ve gotten, if anyone gives me their number but get weirded out if I call, I’ll ask why give it to me. See what response I get, though don’t expect a reasonable one.

Yeah I know contacts can get erased on a phone but I forgot got to say this person had my email and a laptop. So she could’ve sent me an email that way or from her college’s computer, IF she really wanted to stay in contact.

Or contact the organization she used to volunteer with to get my email or phone number. That’s how I contacted her when she stopped texting. I got a couple of emails then she ghosted me.

There was one time when she said her contacts got erased BUT she asked for my number again while we went for a walk. But when it happened "again", she didn't try to reach me again, so I knew it was bs. Unfortunately that was in hindsight, as I did try the email thing since she SEEMED sincere because of the first time her contacts got "erased". (May or may not be true in her case)

I thought Covid would make us more human not less. Instead people got even weirder or meaner. I’ve seen it online and in real life. People I used to talk with all the time online suddenly stopped interacting with me. No more thanks or likes. No hugs. No explanation. I’m not on their block list but might as well be.

I do think the pandemic has messed with people’s brains somehow. Being in fight or flight mode this long is probably something we’re not made for.

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