Why would a former friend ignore me for 10 years & then lash out at me?

This lady I used to be friends with contacted me on social media after ignoring me for over 10 years. She moved away from the area with her then boyfriend & thrn moved back to the area . She’s single again.

Anyways, she asked me if we could maybe have dinner sometime. I only said maybe to be polite as the post was public. The second time I ignored her after she made a comment abour my cat

I then decided to message her & tell her why I didn’t want to talk to her anymore. I was upset because she flaked out on me. She said she’d watch my cats & then she ignored me. She watched them before. We always paid her well for that.

I had to come back early from a trip because I was worried about my cats. It was around the holidays so everything was already booked

She would also constantly get together with me late whenwe made plans once she got a boyfriend. This woman was 50 years old at the time I knew her.

I should’ve never associated with her as she didn’t like or trust other wimen. She claimed that they’re full of drama. Anyways, she seemed nice enough on the surface.

So she messaged me back & tried to gaslight me by saying I told her to eff off & that I called her a rude flake. I tried calling her, but she never answered the phone.

She told me some story about how she was in the process of buying a house which she never told me about until now. She still could’ve called or texted me ar some point instead of flat out ignoring me.

Or she could’ve said sorry, I can’t watch your cats. Then she told me that all I ever talked about was hair, makeup & that other boring stuff that didn’t interest her.

That’s weird as she seemed to like talking anout thise things with me . I told her if thst annoyed & boted her so my h, then she should’ve said something to me about it back then.

I would’ve stopped talking about those things if I knew it wasn’t interesting to her. Why would she not sowak uo? She’s not a shy person at all.

She also seemed to resent me for having a husband who takes care of me. She’s been divorced twice. Both her ex husbands were drug addicts who cheated on her.

She became a young single mother to two kids. They didn’t even help her out with alimony payments. One of them emptied their bank account & ran off with his drug dealer.

She then bragged abour how she now owns a bunch of rentals & is worth over $5 million dollars.

She acted like I’m this shallow stupid woman who is to dependent on my husband & she made it clear that she has no respect for women who aren’t independent like she is. She knew about my physical & mental disabilities, but is obviously judging me anyways.

If that isn’t bad enoufh, she accused me of cheating on my husband or wanting to cheat on my husband just because I talked to a few guys around her or mentioned some guys I talked to before. I never cheated on my husband.

I only had two platonic male friends back then. I have no male friends now . I’d talk to guys I knew at social events to be polite. I told her this, what was I supposed to do, ignore every guy who said hi to me since I’m married? lol 😆

Am I supposed to say go away, I’m married? lol. She talked to guys arlt events despite having a boyfriend at the time too. I never once accused her of trying to cheat on her boyfriend though.

She accused a former friend of trying to mess around with this guy she knew once too. I don’t understand why she’d bother contacting me after 10 years asking me to have dinner with her if she dislikes me thus mu h, lol.

It makes no sense to me. She tild me that my new friendships won’t last because of my bad temper or something. She’s mad that I called her out on her b.s. I hurt her very fragile ego obviously

And iit sounds like she’s very jealous of me too. I told her that. I told her that she must not be having much luck making any new friends as she had to resort to asking someone she doesn’t even like to have dinner with her, lol 😆

She said there’s no love lost there. I worded my message in a matter of fact way. I also told her that she needed a therapist & not a friend as most of our conversations revolved around her.

She’d always talk about work, her roommate, her ex husbands, her daughter, her granddaughter, her boyfriend, her interests, and her other friends mostly.

And I told her that too, that she needed a therapist instead of friends.

Can someone please explain her bizarre behavior to me? It’s like Dr. Jekyl & Mr. Hyde A switch flipped the second I dared to criticize her at all it seemed like

She never aplogized for any of her bad behavior. She never apologized for not keeping in touch either. So rude!

I’d appreciate any insight into this matter, thanks. .

Sounds like too much drama for my taste. I don’t see a point to argue with these people or trying to figure them out. Block and move on.

I am not sure she is jealous of you though and why would she resent you have a husband. Having a husband isn’t an accomplishment plus he majorly sucks. Sure he’s not drug addict like hers but he is horrid in all other ways. He’s paying bills, sure, albeit poorly but he sounds awful besides that. Trust me no one is jealous of that. You often say other women are jealous of you. Why? I never thought that anyone is jealous of me regardless of my circumstances. It’s not high school.

I’d stop guessing why people do what they do. When you don’t like someone, just don’t engage with them. Move on. Don’t waste your time

It sounds like she was trying to rekindle the relationship and you rejected her in a hurtful way. Then she lashed out, and you lashed out back.

I agree that having a husband is nothing to be jealous of.

This all does sound like a lot of impulsive communication and conflict. It sounds like you both just weren't right for each other as friends. Duking it out online doesn't need to even happen. Unless you want it to.

Too much drama. You repeatedly talk about “friend” drama. It seems odd for an adult. I never concern myself with what others are thinking, and I don’t engage in dialogue with people who seem stuck in high school behavior. I’m way too old for that kind of foolishness. You repeatedly say people are jealous of you, but you haven’t particularly shown to have a life people would be jealous of. It’s confusing. Why do you think you always think people are jealous of you: it’s a theme in many of your posts.

Just disengage and move on. It’s not like it’s worth the effort to give headspace to this kind of interaction.

Jesyka,

Are you sure you think that she (or some other woman) is jealous of you or, perhaps, you secretly wish she were jealous of you? You have recently shared horrific information about your husband. And yet you are financially dependent on him and cannot separate from him. It is a very difficult situation to be in. I wonder if you are trying to sugarcoat your reality for yourself by picturing yourself an object of another's woman's jealousy, especially, as on this thread, jealousy on account of your having a husband who "takes care of you". You just shared with us that your husband does not take care of you in one of major ways spouses take care of each other: he tries to limit your access to basic healthcare by withholding money. He also would not tell you how much the two of you owe to the IRS. He yelled at you when in Spain you spent a little money on yourself. What is there to be jealous of? It is not a glamorous life at all.

I’m just trying to understand why she woukd even trt to contact me after all of this time if she disliked me so much. It doesn’t make any sense to me. I was good to her then she made all of these accusations like I was probably cheating on him or that I wanted to. Wth?

I’m sick of this b.s like this. It was obvious from her tone that she resented me having a husband who rakes cate of me, it doesn’t matter what the truth us. She see’s things differently.

I do have it good in some ways tbh. I’ll just ignore her from now on. It’s obvious she’s trying to rub her success in my face. Whatever.

I’m not do sure abot that. She ignored me for over 10 years. Then she ime that all I cated about was hair & makeuo, tgat I probably cheated on my husband, etc. But she still wanted to hang out with me though? Un, what? lol. I don’t get that at all. Weird! She’s crazy!
Mni, we’re definitely not right for each other!

I know that former friends have been jealous of me. I don’t want them to be jealous of me. I really can’t stand that at all. I wish that people could just ne happy for me. I wish that people would stop judging me.

I’m still better off than some people. Some people will be jealous of anyone who’s better off than they are. I don’t want anyone to be jealous of me at all. I just want people to be happy for me.

I really don’t understand it.

Well someone is always better off than someone else but it doesn’t mean people are jealous. It’s a very unusual way to look at it. My husband is pretty great yet it never occurred to me anyone is jealous of me. (Granted it’s my second try lol). Yet you think people are jealous of you and you have a pretty awful spouse. No one is jealous of that. What evidence do you have that people are jealous?

You want people to be happy for you? Why would people be happy for you for having a husband who mistreats you in most profound ways. It makes zero sense!!! When you complain to us about your husband you want us to be happy for you? No one even semi decent will rejoice over you having such bad marital situation. Or do you think we are jealous too?

In which way you are better off than this woman? Because you don’t work and she does? But that doesn’t make it “better off”.

I am just so confused on the whole thing!

Also you say why all these people don’t like you but you don’t like them either. In fact you try to be friends with all kind of different people whom you don’t like at all. These feelings seem to be always mutual.

Nevermind about that then. What I’m trying to understand NOW is this. Please stop bringing up what I mentioned in the PAST.

I’m trying to make sense of WHY this lady ignored me for over 10 years. I was hurt. She could’ve called or emailed me but she didn’t. She ignored me when I tried to contact her.

Then all of a sudden she contacts me when she’s single again. Weird! Then she gets nasty with me after I tell her why I don’t want to talk to her in a matter ot fact & honest way. I didn’t insult her. I was just honest.

Then she rudely made all these b.s accusations about how I’m shallow, probably cheating on my husband, etc. How would YOU feel if a former friend made these accusations about YOU?

Wth? Ugh! Then I get accused of being to full of drama on here. I thought this was as a support board. Until now people were nicer & more supportive. These recent posts have not been helpful.

Please do not bring up irrelevant information about past posts. It’d appreciate it. And please don’t accuse me of being to dramatic when I’m just upset over being treated in a nasty & verbally abusive way by this former friend.

I don’t want or need more abuse or negative judgment thanks. Perhaps I might be wrong about the jealousy issue. I don’t think that I’m wrong about them not seeming to not liking me that much despie me being nice to them.

So eventually I start disliking them as well. I don’t understand why they’d dislike me aside from the fact that I’m a bit different from some of them & a bit quieter than most of them usually, idk.

I tend to be more honest & straightforward than most people & I’ve noticed that most people tend to not be as straightforward as I am.

Most people tend to say things they don’t mean to be ‘polite’, lie & make b.s excuses, play games, etc.

I also don’t put other people down to make myself look better or to look ‘cool’. I also have never been a part of the mob mentality or the group think mentality. I think for myself as an individual. I don’t care that much about fitting in.

I don’t understand why I keep getting mistreated by most people. I don’t deserve this b.s.

No wonder I’m starting to give up on other people quickly these days. I have no tolerance for fake people & their b.s, lol 😆

Unfortunately some women just dump their female friends when they find a man. That's my guess about why she let your friendship drop, then wanted to get back together once she was single.

Also I think it's completely possible some women would be jealous that your husband supports you financially, even if he's a jerk in some ways. In many jobs the work is exhausting and stressful, so it might seem nice to be "taken care of."

Right now I'm on disability leave from my job, and some people even seem jealous of that! Psychological conditions aren't "real" to some people so I guess they think I'm on a kind of vacation. Once years ago when I was on leave during the summer, my sister-in-law said "Well it must be nice to have the summer off!"

A lot of people hate their jobs so it's not surprising they would be jealous of not working. I guess I disagree with others' comments as far as jealousy - the "green demon" is common. Obviously people with rewarding careers who love their jobs wouldn't be jealous of someone not working. But other people might. Yet they would not want a disability. It makes little sense.

The story was a bit hard for me to follow, tbh... seems there was a lot of drama and back and forth between you. From what I gather, you rejected her and as a result, she lashed out at you. And then it seems to have unraveled from there into a back and forth argument? Perhaps now that she is single, she is trying to rekindle old relationships.. this does happen often when people become single again. You have a right to question her motives since she had flaked out on you in the past and didn't seem to be a reliable friend. Perhaps she took your rejection really hard and it hurt her so she reacted the way she did? I don't know about any jealousy... it's hard to tell based on this story and these details.

I had the same thing happen to me several years ago, but with an online friend. We had been in close touch for several years, writing very personal, detailed and lengthy emails to each other and supporting each other in our respective life challenges. Suddenly, she stopped replying to me, out of the blue. And then I didn't hear from her for 3 whole years. She suddenly reappeared, wanting to rekindle the friendship, but I had been so hurt by her disappearance that I rejected her and as a result, she lashed out at me very angrily in a similar way as your old friend.

I would just chalk it up to her being hurt and hurtful in reply.

Somebody wise said to me once “it’s a waste of time trying to answer the question “why people do what they do.” You may never get an answer. Much better time spent trying yo understand why WE do what we do because we are in control of our actions and can try to make changes how we do things. We can’t control other people”

We could guess and speculate why is this woman nasty to you. Is it because she was hurt, or is she jealous of you or is she just just jerk in general. Some people like lashing out and get into nasty arguments with others. Maybe she is one of them. We will never know the answer.

Btw I never said YOU are dramatic. I said it’s too much drama. I advice to not engage. If so called “friend “ from 10 years ago came back and started yelling at me, I’d disengage, end the conversation and block them. That’s what I suggested as you can’t change her. Bye Felicia. End of story

Idk, i agree with woven galaxy. Here you are trying to make friends, and someone from your past reaches out. But instead of giving them the benefit of the doubt, you turn all rodney dangerfield and insult them. People can change in ten years, mellow out. I think you lost a chance at rekindling a friendship. I used to be "honest" too. Its not true honesty. Its just not caring about other peoples feelings. But that was the environment i was raised in, so i didnt know any better. I am still learning how to be kind. Its much easier to be judgmental.

I’m not reading anything in your post that suggests this was ever anything like a friendship. I too find this confusing and I’m struggling to make a suggestion. I do think in future it’s a good idea to cut ties at the first sign of unpleasantness on either side.

I’m not blaming you btw because I’ve heard women turn on other women before and virtually attack their personalities- I just don’t get why anyone would call each other friends in the first place if they thought these things about each other.

A person who accuses you of awful things is not a friend at all. She had no business making those about your marriage. Not worth even trying to analyze why she did what she did.Just cut ties forever.She is lonely, so reached out to you.If she finds another companionship she will drop you in a jiffy again and again . So what's the point?Moreover now that there is a zero chance of repair, you are better off with out her.

I am with @unaluna on a lost chance to give the benefit of the doubt. I think there were two options in front of you, @jesyka: decline the offer to reconnect and say nothing if you were not willing to give the benefit of the doubt, or, give the benefit of the doubt and not criticize that woman. I do not believe that there were any other good options. She might have been ambivalent and in the face of criticism, resorted to lashing out against you. It is now not possible to do anything about it, but if, against all odds, the situation repeats with another person who reaches out to you after going incommunicado for years, consider doing one of these two things depending on how you feel: either decline to connect without any explanation (not responding at all is OK), or, give the benefit of the doubt and treat it as accepting an olive branch extended to you.

It's useless trying to understand why people behave so poorly. I'm not going to armchair diagnose her with any mental illness, but she is clearly very self centered and doesn't understand how friendship works.

My suggestion? Stop worrying about why she has behaved so poorly and just block her and stop communicating at all. She's not a friend. She's a vampire - someone who wants to cause drama and feed off your reaction.

You don't need her drama.

Have you seen the movie “The Devil wears Prada”?