Marrying someone with health issues

Hi all, I would like some feedback or opinions on my situation
I am in a 2-year relationship and we are planning to get married this yeat. I love and respect my partner, however she has a few health issues of various degrees: 'minor' heart issues, leftovers from sports injuries - she used to compete a lot as a teenager and the trainers sometimes used unethical, exhausting techniques; as well as issues that affect her reproductive health. Along with this, she used to drink a lot as a teenager and as she says, she wore down her body a lot.

With that said, she is a fully functional, hard-working adult capable of taking on responsibility and dealing with daily tasks. Unfortunately, she does not pay much attention to how she is eating, sleeping or exercising - she is mostly focused on progressing in her career. I think that the way she grew up (violent mom, volatile area, poverty) affected her priorities and pushing through, surviving is a big one for her - even though she is making more than enough to survive right now.

I witness some of health issues showing themselves from time to time and my heart aches. I feel for her. I feel a little scared. She calls herself 'damaged goods' sometimes and asks me if I am sure I want to get married. I honeslty think she'd benefit from therapy and learning to be kinder to herself but she isn't ready for this. I sometimes think that maybe I deserve someone healthier? But I love this individual. Not sure how to address this. I myself have health issues but not that many or to that extent. Would welcome any feedback or support <3

I think your thoughts and feelings are completely understandable given the situation you have outlined in your post and I wish I knew how to help.

It seems that you are in an anxiety and unhappiness provoking situation. And at the same time you are deriving contentment from the love you feel for your partner with some caveats.

Would it be correct to say that you are having misgivings about a long-term, committed relationship in these circumstances?

Sometimes when one is somewhat conflicted, it can be helpful to consult a psychotherapist. This does not have to be a long-term thing.

Good therapists have a lot of knowledge, experience and insight and can look at things with a certain distance and can often help a person sort through conflicting forces acting upon them.

Since I am not a therapist myself, I wouldn't know what to say that would be helpful and I would hate to say things that might make things worse rather than better.

Do you have any close friends who you could talk to about what it going on?

Hopefully members here with more knowledge, insight and experience will see your post today or in the coming days and respond to it with something truly useful and truly helpful.

It is difficult and painful to be conflicted and I am sorry that I don't really know how to help you.

Sometimes in really thorny situations, it helps me to not only write down a list of pros and cons for various courses of action, but then to prioritize them. If I figure out what is really important me and what is less important, it seems to help me a lot.

I sure hope you are able to get some peace of mind so that you can make decisions that are optimum for your life and health!

My heart goes out to you!

My ex husband had numerous health issues that interfered with our relationship. His body was riddled with injuries preventing him from doing anything physical, not even walking longer distance. So I had to do these things on my own, which is fine, but it wasn't my ultimate preference. I prefer someone who can do outdoor activities with me because there are many that I enjoy such as hiking, skiing, roller blading, kayaking, and sailing, to name a few, none of which my husband could do! And it did frustrate me. Slowly but surely, I stopped pursuing these activities myself, which was my own fault. I also was very very terrified of having to take care of an invalid, long before we were ready to retire. His body is failing him, and I did worry about this quite a bit.

So, my long-winded way of giving feedback is it all depends on how this situation makes you feel. If you feel afraid and seriously concerned about your future with this person, that's a red flag to yourself. If you are ok with possibly having to be a caretaker at some stage, and perhaps earlier than your senior years, then that's a good thing. If you feel you can live your life in ways that are healthy and best for you, without holding yourself back, then that's a good sign. But, on the opposite end, if you truly want a healthier partner and if these limitations immensely bother you, then it's something to consider as a factor in the whole picture of whether you want to marry or not . You mention that you've already dealt with some health issues - like what? You said it made you feel scared... so, pay attention to those feelings and don't ignore them. I actually grieved over marrying someone whose health was not what I had wanted before I married him.

My husband had very serious health issues that were the result of a work accident that he had before we ever met. I went into our marriage fully aware that he had a medical condition that was incurable and degenerative. We were married for 34 years when Covid killed him in 2021.

It was always a factor in our life together, but it had zero impact on our loving relationship. He also had old family wounds which were honestly a bigger factor in our marriage than his health issues. Therapy to deal with his family trauma was imperative and was healing for him and our marriage. I also had old wounds that I worked through in therapy.

Hopefully she will be able to work through her past that affects her present because those are the problems that are probably more likely to create issues in your marriage.

You could marry a perfectly healthy person and they will become violently sick a day after the wedding. So plans to marry perfectly healthy people might not be realistic.

Personally I’d not marry someone who doesn’t see their doctor, isn’t in treatment, doesn’t monitor their health, does not keep regular appointments: physical, dental, mental health if needed, neglect their health, doesn’t maintain health insurance etc It would not work for me. Big red flag.

If they have issues but monitor it closely, maintain routine health appointments and seek help etc that I can live with.

Totally agree with devine!

She does not pay attention to eating, sleeping or exercising. It sums up as she doesn't take care of herself. That can lead to problems.

The way you know her to be, is who she is. Your concerns deserve to be addressed now in a good, honest talk with her. You both may decide to work on being healthier together and you can support her. Or she may be put off and not receptive of the idea. There are also concerns about reproduction, which may be something for you to consider if you want to have kids. These are important discussions and doing it sooner rather than later is best.

Her calling herself damaged goods is concerning. She is being very open with you about her feeling damaged. This will be something you will be dealing with in your marriage. She questions if you really want to marry her. I think it is good you are really working through all this before you get married. It is certain there will be these issues, because they are already there.

exactly my thinking! About marrying someone healthy and then situation changing.
As for my situation, this is happening in a developing country, where health test results take 1 month or more to come and the quality of health care is not that great. My partner is trying to take care of herself, she goes to doctors but the quality and timing of the treatments isn't very good :/ . We plan to relocate somewhere better soon.

Since we've started living together, she was getting healthier overall and limited/ changed some unhealthy habits. But there is definitely room to grow. What bothers me is that these changes are done because I am in her life and she wants to have long-term plans with me. If our relationship was to end, she would treat herself differently. I wish she was motivated to be healthy for herself.

It sounds like she is taking care of herself better for love of you. I think it would be worth exploring why this bothers you.

If the things she does now bother you, be prepared to accept that marriage won't improve them. It may, but you can't depend on that.

Sometimes once people get married, they let themselves go because, well, they can. Sometimes they thrive on the support of another person.

My DH has developed some pretty severe health issues, both physical and mental, but not until more than 20 years into the marriage. Yeah, you deal with what you have to deal with, but I think it's easier to start off on a good foot, kwim? If she's committed to doing better, then that's great. If she's only doing it to please you, then after the wedding, you have the chance of it going either way.

In a nutshell, your concerns may be a huge red flag. It's probably better addressed them fully before any long term commitment.

I was going to post two suggestions. You said you are living together. That was going to be my first suggestion. Give it enough time, at least 6 months, to see how it works out.

Second, some therapy for each of you individually and as a couple would be a good idea.

No one is perfect. I can relate with her in certain times of my life. Are you happy to see her when she gets home? Do you look forward to spending time with her? Do you genuinely care for her, and she for you? That is my current barometer. And there are no guarantees in life, as things can change.

Yeah I can see that we genuinely care for each other and are willing to support each other. She has been with me when I've faced some health struggles, and she stood with me, took care of me and there was no judgement from her side. This is something I deeply appreciate about this person - she is accepting of me with all imperfections and I also feel that I can be accepting, I do not see her as 'damaged goods'. But her bringing it up a couple of times - whether I'm gonna leave her cause of health issues and that i'm getting a 'broken person' eventually made me wonder what if it Does make sense for me to find someone without these issues. As you wrote, things like that can change so I think I'd rather focus on how we feel and support each other and how we can grow together. Thank you for your comment

Having been diagnosed with hypertrophic cardiomyopathia, and feeling sentenced to loneliness ever since, I find this a very comforting thought. Just a sidenode though.

You as a motivation might over time be joined by her as a motivation.

I find it hard to build up a life again and don't always find the motivation to keep going. At those moments, it is other people that keep me going but I must admit that over time, I do find some motivation in myself ...

I have some gut reactions to this and so I guess I'll just tell you the thoughts first coming to mind.
I'm in a relationship with someone with varying health issues and sometimes you could say she doesnt love or care for herself enough. But honestly I would stick by that girl absolutely 1000% no matter what. I have health issues too and I do sympathize and empathize with a lot of it.
Honestly early on in our relationship it was made clear we were meant to be. Weve also been together over 2 years..plans for marriage and I have not a single shadow of a doubt about it.
I think for one thing..I think you need to question why youre needing answers from other people on if you should stay with this person. I dont mean that rude. I just am thinking about past relationships ive had where I would ask people for the same kind of validation.
In my relationship now..I dont think I would have to question for a second if I should stay with her.

With that said, your situation might unique and maybe right now youre just feeling some doubts and not sure where to turn and thats okay.

The relationship I'm in now has taught me that its not about everything being sunshine and rainbows all the time. Love isnt this fairy tale thing..there are just fairy tale moments. When you truly love someone..you take the good and the bad and you work through it all. You have good communication..and hard conversations at time. If you truly love them..youre willing to work on hard things together.
Of course theres boundaries there like I'm not saying to stay in a toxic situation. I'm just saying..love isnt always what its painted as in movies. Its a team effort of facing every day issues..and supporting each other through the others individual struggles.
You have to ask yourself what are your boundaries and what are you able to compromise on?
Everyones gonna have different issues and things to work through. Its just a matter of whats okay for you. I hope this helped a little. I truly wish you the best!