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Insarations
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Default May 10, 2023 at 11:58 PM
  #1
Today I'm just feeling extra sad and angry about something that happened a couple years ago.
This is just one of those life altering situations that is taking a long time to heal from. I go through periods of not thinking about it at all..and then days like this where it just all hits at once.
When I was in middle school I met someone who in time came to be one of my best friends..someone Id have predicted to be a lifelong friend. We'll call them AJ. I was friends with AJ roughly 14 years before they decided to cut me out of their life..in some manner what seemed out of no where. It was so unexpected for me and so painful that it feels the equivalent of a breakup. It hurts pretty much worse than any breakup ive been through. I mean..your best friend is supposed to be that person who never leaves. She was supposed to be my maid of honor. She was one of those people I shoulve been friends with til we died.
Amongst alot of similarities, we're both part of the lgbt community. We tried dating once but that was when I was newly discovered my true sexuality. We quickly realized that wasnt our relationship and we were better off as we were..and for years after that remained close friends.
There seemed to always be a pattern of similar things happening in our lives. We would refer to it as being synchronized. Even when we wouldnt talk for months or see each other for a while..when we came back together it always seemed like we had been going through similar things.
I would say there are things in that friendship that looking back on it now I realize are toxic, and I can certainly admit shes not the only one to have made mistakes. I certainly had moments years ago when I feel theres something I couldve done differently. But I think what alot of it comes down to is our differences definitely superceded our similarities. I would say she had more of a dominant and strongly opinionated personality. Id describe myself as more passive. She was more reserved with her emotions, where as I feel like mine are ever flowing. I'm more of the type to want to communicate and resolve issues where she was more likely to just shut it down and not talk about it. I think ultimately thats what led to the point of her cutting me out... misunderstanding and unwillingness to communicate, mixed with grief that she was dealing with.
A couple years ago, I got into a relationship with a woman I'm still with today..whom I'm going to marry. I knew pretty early in that relationship we would last. Ive just been through too much toxic ******** to know this one was different. And it has been. It's been the healthiest thing ive ever known and taught me so much about communication and just love in general.
During this same time, she had been dealing with the events which led to the death of her father. She had been caring for him and doing alot to care for her family up until the day he died and after.
I think thats the first time in the span of our friendship where we were going through a drastically different time in our life. I was experiencing love while she was experiencing death.
She had warned me during this time she may be more distant which of course I understood completely.
I would reach out to her time to time.
During this time whenever I tried to talk to her or let her know what was going on in my life..she shut me down in ways I never experienced from her.
Of course I told her about my new relationship because it was a priority in my life and I knew my girlfriend was someone who would be around for a while. Thats not something I couldve hidden. Its something I was very happy about.
She out of the blue ended up telling me there is "no way she could pretend to be happy about my relationship."
That really caught me off guard..it was very out of character. She was usually someone who would be supportive of me through anything.
She said she wasnt sure how she could support be being with someone she had never met or knew anything about.
I didnt know how to respond to that cause on one hand..she had been indicating to me she couldnt talk much..which I respected. So how am I supposed to tell her all about my girlfriend?
But then saying she cant support my relationship without knowing anything about it.
I really dont understand that even still cause I mean..
She always supported me. And I would have supported her no matter what.
One day I recall expressing to her I missed her but saying I feel like I shouldnt be saying that to her cause during her time of grief she seemed like she didnt want me to talk to her and I just dont know how I'm supposed to communicate at this point.
She left me on read..and then weeks later blasted me with a highly unexpected response.
At this point her response is vague in my mind. Probably because it hurt me so much, I had to numb myself to it.
It was something along the lines of I told you I needed space and pretty much how dare you try to talk to me during my grieving period and saying she felt that there was no point in her putting effort into this friendship when we didnt live close. There was some worse words in there but I just cant recall them. It was too much for me to handle.
I was really just taken back by all of it because first off, she never asked me for space, she never said she just didnt want me to talk to her. She said that if she is distant and can respond thats due to the things going on in her life and again..I fully respected that.
I felt gaslighted to a great degree because the way she disrespected my relationship and yet made it seem like I disrespected her when I didnt ever do anything. All I had done was pretty much tell her I miss her. And somehow she didnt receive that well.
It just was all painful because she was someone who knew me best. She knows my character and would be someone who should know I never have bad intention. Also, its frustrating after all that time being friends..she wasnt truly willing to communicate. She sent me this in a snapchat message and just ghosted me. Just like that
I still to this day cant wrap my brain around what happened. Ive gone through the details of a lot of things that happened in our friendship and I cant help but wonder if there was a more deep rooted issue. It just seemed like any time she had a problem with something I said or did..shed not be willing to really talk about the issue. She would just push it aside and then go on as if nothing happened. I'm more for communicating and resolving issues and taking time for those conversations.
I just idk.
I'm hurting today and needing to vent about it I guess. I'm kinda wanting an outsiders perspective.
When I look back on our friendship I can see some patterns that I dont think I could of recognized until after this and years of reflection.
She liked to be in control and sometimes I feel like she liked to see herself as above me. There were times where she could be randomly condescending.
She also had a track record of anger issues. Once she had a strong opinion about something..it was hard to make her see differently.
I also noticed that there were times she would treat me differently. Like how she was towards me when it was just us..is pretty different than how she treated me when around her family or friends.
It would take me another whole book to explain that but long story short..I always felt like she thought of herself as higher than me in alot of ways.
There was so many amazing things about our friendship. We went through so much together. I had such deep love and respect for her.
I just think in the end..the toxic outran the good.
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Default May 11, 2023 at 11:53 AM
  #2
I'm so sorry that things didn't work out. From sad personal experience I can definitely identify with you. I lost a best friend and sometimes it still hurts even decades later. Our brains seem to have a mind of their own sometimes and take us places where we perhaps don't really want to go.

Every one has good and bad points. It is difficult to decide where fault lies when things go south. A person might think that we should change the bad things about ourselves but at the same time a person can be more tolerant and understanding of our weaknesses.

It can be a fault to have faults but it can equally be a fault to not be tolerant of faults.


I have seen relationships which seemed to me to be impossible because one person seemed to have so many weaknesses and yet the other person had such low expectations and was so easy going and tolerant that these weakness were not a big deal to them. What to make so such things?

It is so painful to lose a best friend. A psychiatrist once told me that often a friend is more important than a spouse for one's mental health. I don't know, but that's what he told me.

I wish I knew what to say to ease the pain and distress that has befallen you and continues to haunt you. But I am sort of in the same boat, or at least a different boat on the same rough sea. I hope you will feel better soon! And sorry I didn't know what to say to be helpful to you!
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Default May 11, 2023 at 12:18 PM
  #3
From your post, it does sound like you recognized that this best-friend, life-long friendship was founded on shaky ground from the both of you. With all of the variables such as personality differences, communication styles, life changes it doesn't sound like this was ever meant to be a life-long friendship. However, during those 14 years knowing her, you learned a lot about yourself. So, in essence, you didn't waste 14 years of your life because you became who you are truly meant to be, because of the influence (negative and positive) that she had on your life. You learned what your triggers are, what your boundaries are, what your true sexuality identity is, and what your goals and motivations are in life because you knew her. So, she taught you you to connect with yourself in that way.

In hindsight, I believe that my most toxic relationships with people in my life have taught me those things, when I look to the past in times of loneliness, about my social network. I realize what my contribution was to those toxic connections and why I allowed each one to subsist as long as they did, before I or the other person ended the connection.

Grief is an ongoing process for every single relationship and experience that we have, that ends in a way that hurts us at the time. From reading your venting post, it sounds to me like you're currently experiencing one of the stages of grief right now, years later, to process something about the relationship that you hadn't processed yet. I think that's why retrospect occurs - retrospection is triggered when there is something we haven't emotionally processed yet, that we need to process emotionally and intellectually before we stop letting it haunt us. I hope that's what this venting post has done for you today.
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Default May 11, 2023 at 04:03 PM
  #4
I had a good work friend for a long time. We both had long commutes. Then i got a new job that was very close to home, and it seemed like, if she couldnt be better than me in EVERY category, and this was an important obe, then our friendship was over.

Like you, i admit i wasnt a perfect friend and didnt always handle conflict correctly, so i see now i would have gotten tired of me too.
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Default May 11, 2023 at 04:24 PM
  #5
Hello and welcome to MSF!

It’s very understandable for you to look back on this, try to make sense of it and grieve it.

I got a sense from what you wrote, that your friend felt jealousy about your new relationship. Maybe they felt sad for themselves having to cope with their caring for their parent situation, or grief. Then when you were happy, they felt envious. Plus it was not only a platonic friendship, there was some romantic history.

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Default May 12, 2023 at 12:28 AM
  #6
Thanks so much for your comforting words! It is one of the sole reasons ive sought this forum. Also sometimes its just easier to vent to strangers online for some reason.. I'm sure you get it. I'm so sorry for your situation as well. Thanks for your time in response
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Default May 12, 2023 at 02:33 AM
  #7
There are times when a person may need to withdraw. It doesn’t mean they are angry at you, or anyone but instead have gone through some major life challenges they have yet to process and grieve.
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Default May 18, 2023 at 01:52 PM
  #8
Quote:
Originally Posted by Yaowen View Post
I'm so sorry that things didn't work out. From sad personal experience I can definitely identify with you. I lost a best friend and sometimes it still hurts even decades later. Our brains seem to have a mind of their own sometimes and take us places where we perhaps don't really want to go.

Every one has good and bad points. It is difficult to decide where fault lies when things go south. A person might think that we should change the bad things about ourselves but at the same time a person can be more tolerant and understanding of our weaknesses.

It can be a fault to have faults but it can equally be a fault to not be tolerant of faults.


I have seen relationships which seemed to me to be impossible because one person seemed to have so many weaknesses and yet the other person had such low expectations and was so easy going and tolerant that these weakness were not a big deal to them. What to make so such things?

It is so painful to lose a best friend. A psychiatrist once told me that often a friend is more important than a spouse for one's mental health. I don't know, but that's what he told me.

I wish I knew what to say to ease the pain and distress that has befallen you and continues to haunt you. But I am sort of in the same boat, or at least a different boat on the same rough sea. I hope you will feel better soon! And sorry I didn't know what to say to be helpful to you!
Thank you so much for your time in responding! Sorry for late response..I honestly had trouble figuring how to use this site on my phone haha.
I'm sorry for your loss as well. It's definitely true about the level of the pain.
Thanks for your thoughtfulness in response. Thats what reason I sought a forum like this..sometimes it's just good to vent and have some sort of validation.
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Default May 18, 2023 at 01:55 PM
  #9
Quote:
Originally Posted by Motts View Post
From your post, it does sound like you recognized that this best-friend, life-long friendship was founded on shaky ground from the both of you. With all of the variables such as personality differences, communication styles, life changes it doesn't sound like this was ever meant to be a life-long friendship. However, during those 14 years knowing her, you learned a lot about yourself. So, in essence, you didn't waste 14 years of your life because you became who you are truly meant to be, because of the influence (negative and positive) that she had on your life. You learned what your triggers are, what your boundaries are, what your true sexuality identity is, and what your goals and motivations are in life because you knew her. So, she taught you you to connect with yourself in that way.

In hindsight, I believe that my most toxic relationships with people in my life have taught me those things, when I look to the past in times of loneliness, about my social network. I realize what my contribution was to those toxic connections and why I allowed each one to subsist as long as they did, before I or the other person ended the connection.

Grief is an ongoing process for every single relationship and experience that we have, that ends in a way that hurts us at the time. From reading your venting post, it sounds to me like you're currently experiencing one of the stages of grief right now, years later, to process something about the relationship that you hadn't processed yet. I think that's why retrospect occurs - retrospection is triggered when there is something we haven't emotionally processed yet, that we need to process emotionally and intellectually before we stop letting it haunt us. I hope that's what this venting post has done for you today.
I so appreciate your thoughtful response. You are so true! It's so weird cause I really always thought she'd be in my life forever but looking back now you're so right about how it wasnt meant to be life long. I did learn so much through that friendship and it has definitely made me a stronger person. I really love your thoughts about retrospection. I think thats a huge reason I sought a forum like this..sometimes for some reason it's easier to rant or vent to a stranger or just write/type it out. It's definitely helped clear my head. I really appreciate your time
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Default May 18, 2023 at 01:58 PM
  #10
Quote:
Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
Hello and welcome to MSF!

It’s very understandable for you to look back on this, try to make sense of it and grieve it.

I got a sense from what you wrote, that your friend felt jealousy about your new relationship. Maybe they felt sad for themselves having to cope with their caring for their parent situation, or grief. Then when you were happy, they felt envious. Plus it was not only a platonic friendship, there was some romantic history.
Thank you! and thanks for your time in responding. I have wondered that myself sometimes. It was definitely a layered friendship. One reasons it never worked out like that is because she is asexual and i'm not. I always expressed to her that it didn't matter to me and it wasnt a deal breaker for me. But I recall her expressing alot that she just couldnt get herself to date a sexual person cause she would feel like she's taking something from them. I always wondered if those feelings lasted. I feel like there's a lot of unanswered questions that may always remain that way.
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