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Default May 12, 2023 at 07:02 AM
  #1
My 82-year-old mother-in-law is struggling physically and has moved from her senior apartment complex to her daughter's (my sister-in-law) home. This went on for a couple of months and now sister-in-law has ordered us (her sister / my wife and I) to watch her 50% of the time. We are doing two weeks on, two weeks off. Now here are where the issues lie....

I have a three bedroom home and all three bedrooms are in use (my bedroom, daughter's bedroom and my office (where I'm actually writing this)). So mother-in-law and sister-in-law bought a loveseat / foldout bed and now every two weeks my mother-in-law sleeps / lays down in our living room. As in, you walk in the front door and, poof, she's right there. It is so uncomfortable and awkward. I suggested to sister-in-law that mother-in-law could stay in an assisted living facility. Sister-in-law wasn't having any part of that. And I feel bad for mother-in-law because she knows it's inconveniencing us but I don't want to lose my mind either. I also feel bad for my wife because it puts her right in the middle. She doesn't want to upset her family and she doesn't want me to be miserable. Plus, mother-in-law staying in our family room is just not a dignified existence. She deserves her own room and we deserve our space.

But wait, it gets better. When we suggested the assisted living option, not only did sister-in-law refuse, she told me to stay out of it. After I collected myself, I kindly explained that if her mother is in my house and it affects me, ummmm, I DO get a say in the matter. Plus my mother-in-law smokes (I do not). She was smoking on the porch the other day and I could smell it in the house. After I lost my **** to myself, I calmly approached her and told her she's not smoking anywhere while she's here. She wanted to argue about it and I lost my **** (this time with her) and told her to pack up and she's going to her other daughter's and we're done with this. Then she cried and apologized. Good Lord.

One other piece of this puzzle is there is a brother-in-law in the picture who is not helping at all. Sister-in-law's excuses for him is he lives too far away (one hour) and is not fit to care for her (drugs). Well, when we do the turnover next week, I am going to tell sister-in-law that he has the next shift. If she doesn't agree with it, tough. Remember the part about me losing it on my mother-in-law? During that I told her we're going to get her son involved and that there are going to be some changes made around here. I then told her I don't work for her daughter and that she is not in charge. Did that feel good to say that? Yes it did. I think it's fair to distribute the workload between three homes instead of two and I sure as hell don't have to take orders from this lady. Watching mother-in-law two weeks out of six is still gracious on our part but I'm willing to stomach it. Two weeks out of four is too much.

I saw my doctor this week and explained all this to her and it is affecting my health. I have an obligation to be happy and healthy for my wife and daughter, sister-in-law be damned.

Let me close by saying I do love my mother-in-law but I also love my family and happiness and sanity. Enough is enough.
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Default May 12, 2023 at 07:40 AM
  #2
Do you have a dining room that you could make into a bedroom for her?
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Default May 12, 2023 at 07:57 AM
  #3
I sympathize with your situation, and have similar.

Mother (88) wanted me to take care of her. It is a long, complicated story. But essentially what happened is neither of my sisters or I am taking care of her in the way she wanted, and felt unreasonably entitled to.

Everybody had to stand firm in their boundaries with her about this. You will need to do this, too. It was very horrible and uncomfortable for the whole family to get put on the spot about who is going to take Mom. Everybody said No. Mom was furious. I was able to talk to lawyers who helped us make a plan. Then she had to resign herself to this is the way it is. It’s not like we did a bad thing to her. She has a nice apartment, Medicaid, and will go to facilities that are perfectly fine when she can’t care for herself. This has been a back and forth situation between facilities and her home recently, and she will eventually need to be in the facility when she needs to for the long term.

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Default May 12, 2023 at 09:59 AM
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If your mother in law is in decent health what you could do is buy a nice used camper and park it in your back yard and hook up electric to your house etc and let her stay in that. These campers can be very nice and she would have some privacy. They can be very nice with their own bathroom and bedroom and sitting area and little kitchen.
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Default May 12, 2023 at 10:15 AM
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Oh your poor poor mil. Imagine being 82 and no decent place to stay, being made to camp out on a cot and handed off every two weeks. I’m sure she would much appreciate an assisted living situation where she has a real bed and not being looked after by disgruntled relatives who don’t want her.

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Default May 12, 2023 at 11:02 AM
  #6
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Originally Posted by Open Eyes View Post
Do you have a dining room that you could make into a bedroom for her?
No and that's just it. We don't have any unoccupied rooms. The only rooms we have are common areas.
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Default May 12, 2023 at 11:05 AM
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Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
I sympathize with your situation, and have similar.

Mother (88) wanted me to take care of her. It is a long, complicated story. But essentially what happened is neither of my sisters or I am taking care of her in the way she wanted, and felt unreasonably entitled to.

Everybody had to stand firm in their boundaries with her about this. You will need to do this, too. It was very horrible and uncomfortable for the whole family to get put on the spot about who is going to take Mom. Everybody said No. Mom was furious. I was able to talk to lawyers who helped us make a plan. Then she had to resign herself to this is the way it is. It’s not like we did a bad thing to her. She has a nice apartment, Medicaid, and will go to facilities that are perfectly fine when she can’t care for herself. This has been a back and forth situation between facilities and her home recently, and she will eventually need to be in the facility when she needs to for the long term.
Thank you for your insight. It is so awkward and uncomfortable and sister-in-law and mother-in-law insist on family. Their way or highway type thing.
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Default May 12, 2023 at 11:06 AM
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If your mother in law is in decent health what you could do is buy a nice used camper and park it in your back yard and hook up electric to your house etc and let her stay in that. These campers can be very nice and she would have some privacy. They can be very nice with their own bathroom and bedroom and sitting area and little kitchen.
Not an option. I'm not converting my backyard to cater to others.
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Default May 12, 2023 at 11:35 AM
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Oh your poor poor mil. Imagine being 82 and no decent place to stay, being made to camp out on a cot and handed off every two weeks. I’m sure she would much appreciate an assisted living situation where she has a real bed and not being looked after by disgruntled relatives who don’t want her.
I think you might have misunderstood my original post. It's not that I don't "want" her. It's I don't want the "situation" for her. Big difference. I am willing to help anybody out, ESPECIALLY family. All I ask in return are for my few wishes to be respected. That's it. And, like you said, I'd love to see her in a more stable environment rather than packing up every two weeks to go to someone else's house.
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Default May 12, 2023 at 11:57 AM
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I think you might have misunderstood my original post. It's not that I don't "want" her. It's I don't want the "situation" for her. Big difference. I am willing to help anybody out, ESPECIALLY family. All I ask in return are for my few wishes to be respected. That's it. And, like you said, I'd love to see her in a more stable environment rather than packing up every two weeks to go to someone else's house.
I might not have said it too accurately but I was agreeing with you. Assistant living situation would be kinder. Sorry if it came out sounding critical. I just can imagine what that would have done to mum having to move every two weeks.

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Default May 12, 2023 at 12:07 PM
  #11
Revenge Tour, I sure feel for you, having been in a similar situation not too long ago.

Your situation sounds very similar to mine in regard to house size and use. We have three bedrooms, with one being the master, one for DD, and one is a birdroom/workroom/storage room/reading room. Other people may look at that third bedroom as a "spare room" but it's really not. There is just no extra room to realistically accommodate another person, particularly an adult who is going to have their own strong preferences from a lifetime.

My situation was a little like Tisha Buv's with my father in early dementia and needing more supervision. But he and I were not THAT close, he was the worst snorer who would do nothing about it, and of course he was a little entitled about how things should be. Let's just sum it up to say that it was unworkable.

And I had the brother who wanted to dictate how everybody was going to live and what everybody was going to do, and how everybody else was going to modify their life to accommodate dad. And it's not a point of not wanting Dad or not wanting to help dad, it's a point of your life goes on even through our parents getting older. It's great if you can help them, but it can't be at a high expense to yourself or you'll be no good to anyone.

Maybe I'm projecting here, but my gut feeling is that your sister-in-law's being like my brother is a big part of the problem. There's not really this mutuality to figure out how to make this work, she's already figured it out and her head, and that's making it worse for you. I totally get it, because I was there at one time.

Can you think of anything that would work? A way that your sister-in-law could have less burden, but without disrupting your household in an unacceptable way. Does the sister-in-law live close? What's mother-in-law's living situation when she's with the sister? Does she have her own room there? I have a few relatives that all have a couple of spare rooms, so they really don't get what it's like to not have any extra space that you're not using for your family. Is it possible that the sister-in-law is close enough that mother-in-law could spend extended days with you, but sleep at the sister-in-law's house? Can you think of some other scenario that might work better for your mother-in-law? Would she be capable of living in a senior community and perhaps spending days at your home here and there?

This is one of the toughest things that I've had to deal with, because if you say no to preserve your own life, there can be this undertone that you don't love Mom, that you're rejecting her, when that's hardly the case at all.

And in the end, after dad had passed away, I didn't have this point when I looked back and wished I'd done it differently, because it really was an unworkable situation. We didn't have the room or the lifestyle to accommodate an older person, and he was not a person who was willing to give much in return to slip into our lives. Then add the overbearing demanding brother on top of that and it was never going to work. Those are facts not justifications.

Find a solution that works for you and your family,and stick to it, just remember, polite boundaries, but boundaries nonetheless.
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Default May 12, 2023 at 12:18 PM
  #12
Will assisted living even take in a smoker? That would be a deal breaker for me. Do the other siblings smoke? I dont think pushing the druggie BIL to take his turn is going to work, but i think it does highlight the the SIL's over controlling.

The only good thing my mother did was stroke out and die in a single day, also in her 80's. But it was after staying out all the night before at the casino. So we never had your problem.
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Default May 12, 2023 at 01:30 PM
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I might not have said it too accurately but I was agreeing with you. Assistant living situation would be kinder. Sorry if it came out sounding critical. I just can imagine what that would have done to mum having to move every two weeks.
I get it and thanks. I didn't take it as criticism and even if I did, no big deal. I'm the one that's putting this out there for feedback. But as you can see, it's a bad situation and it has come down to speaking up for myself and therefore being the unreasonable one or sucking it up and being miserable. I have been miserable long enough. It's time to stand up for myself and family.
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Default May 12, 2023 at 01:50 PM
  #14
Can you convert office into grandmas room? Do you work from home? When my brother had all their kids living at home he had his office set up in the corner of the living room. It’s doable

It’s awkward and uncomfortable for grandma to be in the living room. So I’d make sure she had a better place to be. And honestly it would be easier to keep her full time rather than make her packing every two weeks

Having said that, I’d not tolerate smoking by anyone anywhere in my house or around it
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Default May 12, 2023 at 01:58 PM
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Revenge Tour, I sure feel for you, having been in a similar situation not too long ago.

Your situation sounds very similar to mine in regard to house size and use. We have three bedrooms, with one being the master, one for DD, and one is a birdroom/workroom/storage room/reading room. Other people may look at that third bedroom as a "spare room" but it's really not. There is just no extra room to realistically accommodate another person, particularly an adult who is going to have their own strong preferences from a lifetime.

My situation was a little like Tisha Buv's with my father in early dementia and needing more supervision. But he and I were not THAT close, he was the worst snorer who would do nothing about it, and of course he was a little entitled about how things should be. Let's just sum it up to say that it was unworkable.

And I had the brother who wanted to dictate how everybody was going to live and what everybody was going to do, and how everybody else was going to modify their life to accommodate dad. And it's not a point of not wanting Dad or not wanting to help dad, it's a point of your life goes on even through our parents getting older. It's great if you can help them, but it can't be at a high expense to yourself or you'll be no good to anyone.

Maybe I'm projecting here, but my gut feeling is that your sister-in-law's being like my brother is a big part of the problem. There's not really this mutuality to figure out how to make this work, she's already figured it out and her head, and that's making it worse for you. I totally get it, because I was there at one time.

Can you think of anything that would work? A way that your sister-in-law could have less burden, but without disrupting your household in an unacceptable way. Does the sister-in-law live close? What's mother-in-law's living situation when she's with the sister? Does she have her own room there? I have a few relatives that all have a couple of spare rooms, so they really don't get what it's like to not have any extra space that you're not using for your family. Is it possible that the sister-in-law is close enough that mother-in-law could spend extended days with you, but sleep at the sister-in-law's house? Can you think of some other scenario that might work better for your mother-in-law? Would she be capable of living in a senior community and perhaps spending days at your home here and there?

This is one of the toughest things that I've had to deal with, because if you say no to preserve your own life, there can be this undertone that you don't love Mom, that you're rejecting her, when that's hardly the case at all.

And in the end, after dad had passed away, I didn't have this point when I looked back and wished I'd done it differently, because it really was an unworkable situation. We didn't have the room or the lifestyle to accommodate an older person, and he was not a person who was willing to give much in return to slip into our lives. Then add the overbearing demanding brother on top of that and it was never going to work. Those are facts not justifications.

Find a solution that works for you and your family,and stick to it, just remember, polite boundaries, but boundaries nonetheless.
"It's great if you can help them, but it can't be at a high expense to yourself or you'll be no good to anyone."

You, ArmorPlate108, are wise beyond your years. You get it!!!!

And you're right. If I say anything, I'm the bad guy. If I don't say anything, I'm miserable.

About sister-in-law, yes, her place has an extra room whereas we do not. Sister-in-law is also a lot closer (figuratively) with their mother.

Let me say I do feel bad about your situation with your dad and brother. It sucks, as we know, but thank you for sharing.

Also, let me add there has been a new development..... Just this morning I was walking into my kitchen and there was mother-in-law on the deck vaping to her heart's content. We have already had this conversation so she's out in a week. She is sister-in-law's problem . I'm done. Yes, I still love my mother-in-law but no way will I welcome someone in my house that I don't trust and / or refuses to follow a basic rule.
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Default May 12, 2023 at 02:01 PM
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Can you convert office into grandmas room? Do you work from home? When my brother had all their kids living at home he had his office set up in the corner of the living room. It’s doable

It’s awkward and uncomfortable for grandma to be in the living room. So I’d make sure she had a better place to be. And honestly it would be easier to keep her full time rather than make her packing every two weeks

Having said that, I’d not tolerate smoking by anyone anywhere in my house or around it
Thank you for the feedback, divine. My plight is over. Read my response to ArmorPlate. Mother-in-law vaped again. She can go to sister-in-law's house and smoke her lungs out for all I care.
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Default May 12, 2023 at 03:21 PM
  #17
I’m glad that worked out for you for now. I just want to add that the whole elderly parent living with the kids depends on the health needs of the parent, too. With my mother, she keeps falling and breaking bones. She needs professional nursing care. If she goes into a facility, which is covered by Medicaid, she gets the proper care she needs. If she stays home with her adult kids, this becomes an expense that has to be paid out of pocket and it is outrageously unaffordable. Something to think about before your mother needs medical help and really can’t care for herself.

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Default May 12, 2023 at 03:28 PM
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Sometimes situations resolve themselves.... Good for you for having good boundaries and holding to them

I hope your wife is okay with everything. This must be tough for her.
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Default May 13, 2023 at 07:47 AM
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I’m glad that worked out for you for now. I just want to add that the whole elderly parent living with the kids depends on the health needs of the parent, too. With my mother, she keeps falling and breaking bones. She needs professional nursing care. If she goes into a facility, which is covered by Medicaid, she gets the proper care she needs. If she stays home with her adult kids, this becomes an expense that has to be paid out of pocket and it is outrageously unaffordable. Something to think about before your mother needs medical help and really can’t care for herself.
Thanks, TishaBuv.

This is where it's tricky. Sister-in-law insists their mother needs help enough to where she can't live alone yet is independent enough to not need assistance. What? Sorry, sis. You can't have it both ways. Hence the stalemate.

But my issue is resolved in a week. Mother-in-law is out of here and, at worst, my wife will watch her two out of six weeks at mother-in-law's apartment. Not ideal but I can live with it. I'll miss my wife but mother-in-law is not welcome here any more. I know that sounds harsh but if I can't trust someone, they're not welcome.
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Default May 13, 2023 at 07:51 AM
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Sometimes situations resolve themselves.... Good for you for having good boundaries and holding to them

I hope your wife is okay with everything. This must be tough for her.
Thanks. We have an arrangement and I still think I'm being more than gracious. But when you're miserable and taking orders from a perceived shot-caller, you have to stand up for yourself.

My wife supports me and I understand this puts her in an awkward position but the whole situation is awkward anyway so I think at this point there's nothing to lose and so much to gain (back).
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