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Default May 18, 2023 at 01:45 PM
  #21
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Originally Posted by divine1966 View Post
Volunteering is a good idea. It doesn’t need to be in a group or physically hard. Serving meals in a soup kitchen etc It’s a good way to help others, make yourself feel good and maybe make some friends.

I honestly don’t think meeting new friends online would work unless maybe they are pursuing same hobby or it’s a site for shared interests. If it’s just random people (and by random I mean you know nothing about them), then there’s no foundation and it’s very unlikely to work in a long run
I don’t know about volunteering. Most people probably aren’t there to make new friends. I tried that once with no luck. Why do you think thst online friendships don’t work? I have met most of my adult friends online including one former best friend & my current good friend online.
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Default May 18, 2023 at 01:47 PM
  #22
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Originally Posted by FloatThruThis View Post
Interesting thread jesyka. I get my social needs met through my job & family, but yeah, if I didn’t have those two things, I would be struggling socially. I don’t have friends to speak of. I was recently asked to be part of a an exclusive group on goodreads though, so that was unexpected.
That’s good. My husband is stoic & he barely talks to me, do I can’t count on him for my social needs. He never wants to offer me any emotional support anyways. He’s like a robot with no feelings almost, lol 😆

I never felt comfortable socializing with most people at work.
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Default May 18, 2023 at 01:53 PM
  #23
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Originally Posted by jesyka View Post
I don’t know about volunteering. Most people probably aren’t there to make new friends. I tried that once with no luck. Why do you think thst online friendships don’t work? I have met most of my adult friends online including one former best friend & my current good friend online.
The adult friends you described don’t seem to be a good fit and you don’t like most of them or they have no interest in the same thing or they reject you. I am surprised to hear that you do have friends you met online. If you have success with meeting people online, then of course you should continue doing so

Volunteers aren’t there to meet friends but most friendships happen naturally. You volunteer or participate or do stuff and then you end up developing friendships with people
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Default May 18, 2023 at 02:46 PM
  #24
Yeah, what Divine said re volunteering- friendships can be a spin off along the way but even if you don’t make friends you might well find you get a boost helping out.

No you’re not sad for making friends online, no more than I’m sad for making every single good friend I have from volunteering, there’s no shame in any of this. We’re just trying our best to make friends.

I had wrongly assumed you were having trouble making any friends at all, but if you’re having some success online then I guess it’s working to some degree? If you’ve made some good friends then that’s great.

I don’t think there’s any shame in deciding you’ve had enough of pursuing people, maybe you can use that time and mental energy for a better purpose and take the pressure off yourself.
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Default May 18, 2023 at 04:21 PM
  #25
“ How did you meet your actual friends? ”
^
In my youth- Meet the kid who lives next door. More often than not, we hit it off. Now we were friends. These are the kids in my class, or who live in my neighborhood and take the bus with me. I hit it off with one or two, now these are my friends.

As an adult- Meet the woman who lives next door. Same thing as when a kid, we hit it off, made small talk, shared about ourselves, took interest in each other.

Most all my friends lack some of the qualities you say you seek in a friend. Looking back on some friendship, I feel I made a poor choice in keeping friends that weren’t really genuine, good, caring friends to me. If I was so much more choosy, maybe I would have had a much harder time finding a friend.

I think it is a matter of having good character and seeking that in others, maintaining boundaries. Weeding out bad friends. But making them was easy for me, though I only always just had a couple. I wasn’t an outcast among the general population of my class, just close knit friendships with a couple of best friends.

The activities I do with friends now, like with this new friend, for example is: She may text me to go for a walk with her while she walks her dogs. We chat and walk for 1/2 hour. That’s it. Or we hung out the other night for a couple hours just talking. We did go together in her car to pick up some food once. I may go to some event with her in the future if we plan it, maybe even a trip.

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Default May 19, 2023 at 07:52 PM
  #26
Agreed that it is hard to make friends. Most the friends I made were at work, but people get other jobs and move and it's hard to stay in touch.

When I lived in state ABC, none of my neighbors wanted anything to do with me. They wouldn't even say hello. Then I moved to state XYZ, where I lived out in the country, and was very good friends with the neighbors (most of them), but those friendships fizzled because I moved and honestly, I didn't keep in touch.

With the stuff that goes on in society today, political differences, polarizing views... Maybe people are afraid - as am I.

It is hard to find a true friend as many people I've come across want something out of you, and if they cannot get something out of you, they move on pretty quickly.

You have to be young, healthy, pretty, successful, popular, and have lots of money. Otherwise, you're out! Which is very unrealistic.

Do you live in an urban environment or out in the country?
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Default May 22, 2023 at 12:07 AM
  #27
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Originally Posted by Discombobulated View Post
Yeah, what Divine said re volunteering- friendships can be a spin off along the way but even if you don’t make friends you might well find you get a boost helping out.

No you’re not sad for making friends online, no more than I’m sad for making every single good friend I have from volunteering, there’s no shame in any of this. We’re just trying our best to make friends.

I had wrongly assumed you were having trouble making any friends at all, but if you’re having some success online then I guess it’s working to some degree? If you’ve made some good friends then that’s great.

I don’t think there’s any shame in deciding you’ve had enough of pursuing people, maybe you can use that time and mental energy for a better purpose and take the pressure off yourself.
Thanks. I’m so annoyed ar how easy things come to most people, especially fake people like my sister. I have to work hard to make & keep friends. It seems like I’m never good enough for most people, ugh.
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Default May 22, 2023 at 12:09 AM
  #28
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Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
“ How did you meet your actual friends? ”
^
In my youth- Meet the kid who lives next door. More often than not, we hit it off. Now we were friends. These are the kids in my class, or who live in my neighborhood and take the bus with me. I hit it off with one or two, now these are my friends.

As an adult- Meet the woman who lives next door. Same thing as when a kid, we hit it off, made small talk, shared about ourselves, took interest in each other.

Most all my friends lack some of the qualities you say you seek in a friend. Looking back on some friendship, I feel I made a poor choice in keeping friends that weren’t really genuine, good, caring friends to me. If I was so much more choosy, maybe I would have had a much harder time finding a friend.

I think it is a matter of having good character and seeking that in others, maintaining boundaries. Weeding out bad friends. But making them was easy for me, though I only always just had a couple. I wasn’t an outcast among the general population of my class, just close knit friendships with a couple of best friends.

The activities I do with friends now, like with this new friend, for example is: She may text me to go for a walk with her while she walks her dogs. We chat and walk for 1/2 hour. That’s it. Or we hung out the other night for a couple hours just talking. We did go together in her car to pick up some food once. I may go to some event with her in the future if we plan it, maybe even a trip.
As an adult, I have mostly met friends online, a few from meetup & yelp too. I have also made some poor choices with friends too.
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Default May 22, 2023 at 12:13 AM
  #29
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Originally Posted by Blueowl View Post
Agreed that it is hard to make friends. Most the friends I made were at work, but people get other jobs and move and it's hard to stay in touch.

When I lived in state ABC, none of my neighbors wanted anything to do with me. They wouldn't even say hello. Then I moved to state XYZ, where I lived out in the country, and was very good friends with the neighbors (most of them), but those friendships fizzled because I moved and honestly, I didn't keep in touch.

With the stuff that goes on in society today, political differences, polarizing views... Maybe people are afraid - as am I.

It is hard to find a true friend as many people I've come across want something out of you, and if they cannot get something out of you, they move on pretty quickly.

You have to be young, healthy, pretty, successful, popular, and have lots of money. Otherwise, you're out! Which is very unrealistic.

Do you live in an urban environment or out in the country?
You’re absolutely right about what you said. Most do called friendships are transactional in nature.

It seems like if you don’t share the same religious or political views, you’ll be automatically rejected by other people. It’s so stupid. It’s almost like you need to be almost like them in order for them to like you or accept you. It sucks!

And you can’t be better off than them or most people will end up resenting you for having what they don’t too, ugh! Most people aren’t really happy for other people it serms like.
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Default May 22, 2023 at 07:10 AM
  #30
My new friend in my building asked me to pick up her mail while she is away. I was happy to do it. I feel this is what friendly neighbors do for each other and have no problem with it. Is this the kind of transaction you are talking about that annoys you?

Now, if my friend starts asking too many favors, it could become an issue. There is a careful balance I will try to do to not get into a situation where I have to draw a boundary and lose a friend/friendly acquaintance.

What would having an ideal friend look like to you?

For me, it’s partly about wanting to have someone to enjoy doing something with. I’m not looking for perfection, and will put up with quite a lot usually because the experience of being together to do xyz and enjoying their company is the point to me.

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Default May 22, 2023 at 10:12 AM
  #31
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My new friend in my building asked me to pick up her mail while she is away. I was happy to do it. I feel this is what friendly neighbors do for each other and have no problem with it. Is this the kind of transaction you are talking about that annoys you?

Now, if my friend starts asking too many favors, it could become an issue. There is a careful balance I will try to do to not get into a situation where I have to draw a boundary and lose a friend/friendly acquaintance.

What would having an ideal friend look like to you?

For me, it’s partly about wanting to have someone to enjoy doing something with. I’m not looking for perfection, and will put up with quite a lot usually because the experience of being together to do xyz and enjoying their company is the point to me.
No, that woukd not annoy me unless I knew that was the only reason theydeven talk to me., to use me for something.

An ideal friend for me woukd be lotal, not badmouth me behind my back, be honest, kind, straightforward, definitely not passive aggressive, not overly gossipy, definitely not self absorbed, not judgmental, not critical, reliable, not flaky, fun, funny, likes most or sll of the sane things I do, not some crazy extremist religious type, not observing with fitting in, not a follower, cool, smart, into clothes, hair, makeup, movies, cats, festivals, concerts, and music too.

lol.

Transactions that would annoy me include people who expect you to do something for them everytime they do anything for you at all, expect you to listen to them all the time but ignore you when you talk. Only contact you when they’re bored & have no one else to talk to, etc.

I’m not super picky, but I fo have standards. I don’t put up with flakes, phonies, liars, users, backstabbers, selfish self absorbed people who need free therapists , jealous types, etc.
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Default May 22, 2023 at 10:36 AM
  #32
Two my best girlfriends aren’t into clothes, hair or makeup. They are great people and loyal friends though. I am not into hair or make up but i do like clothes quite a bit. And purses lol. It has never been a foundation for friendships though. I do put make up for work but it’s not something I discuss with friends. I don’t care if others like those things. That’s unusual requirement for a friend.

I do agree with having high standards for human qualities. No one wants liars or backstabbers for friends
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Default May 22, 2023 at 11:34 AM
  #33
In one post you say: “It seems like if you don’t share the same religious or political views, you’ll be automatically rejected by other people. It’s so stupid. It’s almost like you need to be almost like them in order for them to like you or accept you. It sucks!”

A few posts later you say: “An ideal friend for me woukd be lotal, not badmouth me behind my back, be honest, kind, straightforward, definitely not passive aggressive, not overly gossipy, definitely not self absorbed, not judgmental, not critical, reliable, not flaky, fun, funny, likes most or sll of the sane things I do, not some crazy extremist religious type, not observing with fitting in, not a follower, cool, smart, into clothes, hair, makeup, movies, cats, festivals, concerts, and music too.”

I wonder if you recognize you conflicting ideas which may come off as conflicting messaging to potential friends. It reads as if you expect others to accept you for the same reasons you would reject them. Might be part of the issue.

ETA: It’s perfectly reasonable for you to have a type of friend in mind, just as it is perfectly reasonable for anyone to have style of friend in mind. However, to have a standard for friendship but not understand or accept that other people have their own standards (which are apparently about the same as your own), just doesn’t make sense and reads as a double standard: it’s okay for me, but not for others. That could become problematic and off-putting in trying to develop friendships.

People DO tend to look for like-minded friends. Perfectly normal.

Last edited by ArtleyWilkins; May 22, 2023 at 11:50 AM..
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Default May 22, 2023 at 01:57 PM
  #34
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Two my best girlfriends aren’t into clothes, hair or makeup. They are great people and loyal friends though. I am not into hair or make up but i do like clothes quite a bit. And purses lol. It has never been a foundation for friendships though. I do put make up for work but it’s not something I discuss with friends. I don’t care if others like those things. That’s unusual requirement for a friend.

I do agree with having high standards for human qualities. No one wants liars or backstabbers for friends
I never said liking those things is a definite requirement I just said it’d be nice if they likes those things too.

A few former friends complained about girly girls & acted like it was stupid & silly. One tomboy type even bragged about how she saves a lot of money for important things like trip since she doesn’t waste it on hair, clothes, makeup, nails, and purses.

She even complained about me dressing up to go to the zoo & how I brought to much jewelry with me on our trip. It’s not like I wore a prom dress to the zoo, lol 😆 OK, whatever, lol 😆

Weird! Another woman who I thought liked talking about makeup too actually accused me of only being interested in talking about boring uninteresting things like hair & makeup. She then beagged about owning rental properties & being worth 5 million dillars now.

This woman used me as a free therapist. I pointed that out to her then she blocked me, lol 😆

I don’t understand why I tend to attract users & abusers usually, ugh! I don’t deserve this crap!
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Default May 22, 2023 at 02:10 PM
  #35
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In one post you say: “It seems like if you don’t share the same religious or political views, you’ll be automatically rejected by other people. It’s so stupid. It’s almost like you need to be almost like them in order for them to like you or accept you. It sucks!”

A few posts later you say: “An ideal friend for me woukd be lotal, not badmouth me behind my back, be honest, kind, straightforward, definitely not passive aggressive, not overly gossipy, definitely not self absorbed, not judgmental, not critical, reliable, not flaky, fun, funny, likes most or sll of the sane things I do, not some crazy extremist religious type, not observing with fitting in, not a follower, cool, smart, into clothes, hair, makeup, movies, cats, festivals, concerts, and music too.”

I wonder if you recognize you conflicting ideas which may come off as conflicting messaging to potential friends. It reads as if you expect others to accept you for the same reasons you would reject them. Might be part of the issue.

ETA: It’s perfectly reasonable for you to have a type of friend in mind, just as it is perfectly reasonable for anyone to have style of friend in mind. However, to have a standard for friendship but not understand or accept that other people have their own standards (which are apparently about the same as your own), just doesn’t make sense and reads as a double standard: it’s okay for me, but not for others. That could become problematic and off-putting in trying to develop friendships.

People DO tend to look for like-minded friends. Perfectly normal.
To be clear, I wouldn’t reject someone for having different political opinions or religious views, but I can’t accept extreme views.

I’m open minded, but most people aren’t open minded with me. I have standrards. Why would I want to accept people who aren’t good for me? I also didn’t list most of thise qualities as must have qualities. I was asked what my ideal friends lhio would consist of, so I listed those qualities. Why would I put up with anyone who is a liar or anything like that btw?

I’m saying that other people have rejected me for a lot of things & that they didn’t even give me much of a chance at all.

I gave them a chance though. Even when I had some doubts about them. Example, this mooch I talked about on another thread. She had a lot of issues, no car, no job, had depression & anxiety & low self esteem. Talked about herself to much too.

Most people wouldn’t give someone like that a second chance. I gave her multiple chances. She blew it by being selfish, self absorbed, a user, a liar, and a mooch.

I don’t understand why I’m the one being judged when people are the ones who are constantly judging & rejecting me.

It’s like I need to be just like them like I said to be accepted. Any deviation from that seems unacceptable to other people it seems like.

I feel like the moment I say or do anything that they don’t like or agree with, they’re done with me. Most people are extremely picky, judgmental, close minded & ir’s annoying.
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