Should have dated more before I married.....

I hate when my mind takes me back to where I don't want to go.
I'm really in a stage of massive regret. I really didn't date different people when I had the chance. I hooked up with this one person and that was it. She was jealous of anybody coming near me. And I was the same with her. But it wasn't love , it was addiction ! I really f****d my life up . I believe it was because I rushed into the wrong choice. Opposites do attract , but they also wind up eventually repelling each other.

Actually, don’t beat yourself up because a big part of this is how nature designed us to procreate. When we are young we are extremely vulnerable to how our bodies react to hormones and pheromones. Truth is we can and do get addicted and can experience jealousy just so we mate and procreate.

So you were not stupid, instead you were human.

What you just described are the lessons from relationships, we all experience no matter how we get there. I don't know that dating allot necessarily fixes those lessons so much as how well you understand yourself and what you DON'T want. Notice I never said what you DO want. People generally want the same things in life when it comes to happiness. The things they do not want is usually where allot of people are wired completely different.

I didn't have allot of serious relationships when I dated, but I did date my wife for years until I understood what I felt I needed to know about myself and her. Ultimately did it prepare me for everything that has happened in over 25 years? Hell no. But the outlines are there. The parameters of who she is and her character are there. What I paid attention to or ignored are there too. Has she surprised me based on what I thought I knew? At times , but allot of that was for the better. Both of us have had to amend or evolve as we grew together and that's just the process. You can't score out of that with lots of dating. No one is the same person from 21 to 30 to 40 to 60. How well you understand yourself (and communicate that) plays a big role in how you handle each chapter of your life.

But I would also add, don't make emotional choices. Everyone has moments of frustration and even depression in relationships. So much can play into that too. Hell I found out my diet was making me depressed once. Really made me moody too. I henpecked my wife about everything and brownie points to her for tolerating it until we figured out what was stuck up my rear. The thing is, I didn't realize I was doing it. So when you wake up and suddenly start handing out failing grades to people around you, take a pause, gather yourself, and ask why you feel that way and if its warranted. Then start asking honest questions about everyone's role starting with yourself first. Don't cater to your emotions. Just step back and be objective as possible. Allot of times there's more in the mix than what we're just reacting to and you want to be able to sort everything out before you make any sweeping resolutions.

You have the option of divorcing and going back to dating and this time dating more people before committing next time to one person. But measure many times before you cut–all I am saying is that this marriage is not a life sentence for you if you really think that you made a mistake.

I like what Embracing truth has said.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Open Eyes Actually, don’t beat yourself up because a big part of this is how nature designed us to procreate. When we are young we are extremely vulnerable to how our bodies react to hormones and pheromones. Truth is we can and do get addicted and can experience jealousy just so we mate and procreate. So you were not stupid, instead you were human.

Thanks for this Open Eyes......I kept reading it . Especially your last sentence. I had forgotten that I am human ! And that I acted in a way humans act. I didn't commit a crime , and I wasn't stupid, I acted like any other immature 16 year old would act. There's no guarantee that things would have worked out better with anyone else. I've been beating myself up over this for over 50 years. Thanks again......

Gosh I can't imagine if I had married someone I met at 16. Even if it was an ideal match, I'm sure I would always be wondering if I made the right choice. Yet that is how humans lived for centuries - married to the first person they fell for, had sex with, then kids, all before age 20.

I married a man I KNOW was my ideal true love... yet due to external circumstances our lives have been so difficult. Any weaker bond would have snapped. So finding the perfect person is no guarantee of "happily ever after." In my experience, single or unhappily married people tend to really idealize true love. While it is wonderful, it's not an automatic predictor of a good life.

I think we are all different. It has something to do with maturity. I mean first it is attraction and so the love matures as time goes. I met my husband in my teenage years, but we didn't marry before some years had gone. Because of the delayed marriage we had the time to grow together and to set goals for what we wanted for our life together. Of course we wanted children .... and education. It was to combine these wishes with our economy that was the cabal we had to lay. And we were able to lay that cabal.

I think we have to accept that we all are different. Some matures late and that is OK. Some of all the young marriages (from the time I married many years ago) broke when others growed tighter.

I don't feel envious of the young people of today. Many of them doesn't do other things than study and partying, And they wait until they are between 30 and 40 before they have children. May be they are too tired to do what is very important in raising children; to set proper boundaries.

Now in my senior years I can look back on good memories from my younger years and look upon all the hard study years with a smile. It was worth it! On top of it all I can see that my grandchildren are living good lives.

To me the expectations from old times feel right, marry, become parents and grandparents. See your roots and the future ... Be a part of life.

I think the most important a couple of today can do, is to be clear about what they want together (How to raise children together, how to share responsibility for their household, plan for their educations and learn to respect each others boundaries as well as respect for their togetherness). They have to share some common values as well.

One doesn't have to jump on the party and travel wagon. It is possible to enjoy life and travel also when the kids are grown ups ... We are alive all our life. There are always ups and downs in every couple's lives. It is important to know how to tacle that.

For those who have made a mistake when they chose their partner, don't selfblame, but accept it and choose what to do next, leave or build more ... Take the time that is needed to heal. (And if they came from a patological home, they must take take the time to learn what a normal life is before they try to live one).

You really never know how it is going to turn out. And don't think that because someone is married that he or she is happy. My grandparents were together since they were teenagers - and it worked out for them.

I think society places expectations on us that are, truly, unreasonable and unreal. Relationships fail. If you were stuck in a bad job, people would tell you in a heartbeat to find another. Same with a bad friend. But there is a different standard regarding a significant other. No one tells you to work it out in a bad job or seek counseling with a bad boss.

Then, we something happens, we feel shame, regret... all sort of negative emotions. And negative emotions are frowned upon. But they are part of life, unfortunately. No one wants to feel bad.

I have found the most support in people who have experienced similar disappointments. People who have not cannot relate, and can be judgmental, which does not help.

Most of them married not because they fell for anyone: romantic love is a modern concept.

Unrelated, but I know several couples happily married after meeting in high school and now raising grandkids together. It is possible. I also know (probably more) early marriages that disintegrated very fast. My first marriage did not last and it was to a man who I met when I was 14 and became sexually attracted to when I was 21.

I dated a lot in college & still ended up marrying the wrong guy at 21. Seriously one has to deeply analyze why we are getting married & WHAT is REAL LOVE.

Red flags before the wedding I logic'ed away. BIG MISTAKE. Realized there was no love on either side buf stayed together for way too many years & what was initially somewhat tollerated turned into hate & finally divorce

We don't get a do over in our life.We need to deal with the cards we are dealt. You can't regret what you didn't do in the past now in the present.You can make some changes now in the present.Thats all you can do.

Would dating more have made you happier at the time? In my opinion, only then would it have made sense.