My mouth got me in trouble.

divine1966

Honestly your sister probably had to pretend nothing is happening because there’s not much she can do. Could you just spend all your time with your sister and not bother with the brother in law

Rose76

Being here is excruciating.

I've never felt so trapped in all my life.

The main thing I have to do is shut up.

Rose76

She can't control her husband and son. I don't like that she acts like nothing odd is going on here. But she has to have peace in her marriage, which seems to be a good marriage. Her son is old enough to decide who he wants to talk to. He's well past 30. I guess I just got to jump on the pretend wagon too - for my own sake. Four days will pass, and I'll be out of here.

This is impacting my health. Mentally, as well as physically.

unaluna

These guys barely know you, right? Why do you have expectations of them? Is it these gents, or your expectations, that are affecting you?

Rose76

I didn't expect hugs and kisses. These guys are not the huggy type. I would have been happy with bare bones courtesy of the most rudimentary kind.

But, true enough, the best way to reduce disappointment is to get rid of expectations.

Rose76

I'm trying to talk myself down. I think the main thing is to stop reacting. I'm putting myself at the mercy of other people's moods and behaviors by being so sensitive. It occurs to me that sometimes, when I am talking nervously with my sister, I could simply be quieter. It seems we are talking over each other a lot. We've been having these highly pressured conversations when the two of us are alone in a room. I don't say anything about the "gents." Other family matters that caused turmoil in the past have been vaguely alluded to. I tiptoe thru our conversations like I were walking thru a field strewn with landmines. We were discussing what's to be done when I die, as I have no children and this sister is the person who currently is empowered to make final arrangements for me. She is responsible and agreed long ago to do this. When she fulfilled that role for my parents, she got flack from other siblings. It's the classic story of what happens in families when a parent dies, leaving assets. I tried to not get between any of my siblings. I was glad I lived far away. It had seemed they all reconciled and the turmoil became water-over-the-dam. But today my sister made some allusions to how she didn't appreciate hearing from other people's lawyers back when she was managing my parents' estate. (BTW, I was the only one who didn't lawyer up.)
I don't like this stuff being dredged up. I decided the best thing for me to do was to pipe down and clise my mouth.

It started off as a congenial conversation about how tricky lawyers can get. She told me of a settlement she got subsequent to a lawsuit she was involved in and how she hates having anything to do with lawyers. It had nothing to do with me. I related how I too was not real happy with some experiences I had with lawyers. These were our own respective experiences and nothing to do with family stuff. But somehow she took the conversation in a direction where she was starting to revisit the turmoil in our family. I have to not get lured into any such conversation. It's just picking at old wounds. Sometimes I'm not real quick on the uptake. I'm not a fast thinker. So I'm telling myself to take refuge in quietness, when there's the risk of a conversation going off in a direction that just leads to trouble.

Being here and trying to avoid trouble is stressing me out a lot. It's like running an emotional obstacle course. When I feel stressed, I'm liable to say something ill-advised. I need to calm down and be less reactive . . . more inert. Maybe it's good I'm learning this. I don't need to react to everything. Just let stuff go by.

Right now I'm alone in this house. They had appointments. I'm telling myself to just calm down.

unaluna

"When I feel stressed, I'm liable to say something ill-advised."

Thats exactly how i feel when talking to my family.

Rose76

I made this trip, envisioning that it was going to be a love-fest with what family I have left. My parents are gone. My boyfriend, who was my love and companion for decades, is gone. All my uncles and aunts are passed away. My favorite cousins are dead. I came thousands of miles to partake of what family I still have. I thought coming out here would refresh my soul. The reality has been very different. It is what it is. Stressful. Uncomfortable. Alone in this house, I've cried my heart out, these past few hours, remembering the times of old, when extended family gathered and stayed up all night talking and sharing and generating closeness and warmth. Everyone talked to everyone.

unaluna

That's why they say, you can't go home again.

Rose76

Very apt.

divine1966

I think sometimes it helps to keep out of town trips short. 3-4-5 days. The only house I can stay long is my daughter’s or they can stay in mine. I can’t handle anyone else in my house or being in no one’s house more than a few days.

Yes having big extended families makes a difference. I don’t have that either. People either live far or died or everyone’s too busy.

eskielover

Ah, expectations will always do us in. Mixed with alcohol.....never a good combination.

Only family I have left is my daughter & 3rd & 4th cousins I never got together with even when family was alive. I keep in contact a little on FB but would never consider getting together IRL.

You actually didn't do bad given the circumstances. Would have been difficult to respond differently. I personally wouldn't do ALANON for people I seldom see even if family

__________________


Leo's favorite place was in the passenger seat of my truck. We went everywhere together like this.
Leo my soulmate will live in my heart FOREVER Nov 1, 2002 - Dec 16, 2018

Rose76

I won't make this mistake again. My visit was supposed to be split between two homes of two sisters. This is way too long to be in someone's home, day after day for over two weeks.

My other sister had been telling me for 3 years how great it would be if I stayed with her for a bit. She's a widow. I thought we'ld be good company for each other. She was even suggesting we live together. However, she drinks a lot more than I do. It makes her emotional. Then her daughter and she are popping cannabis gummies. One minute the both of them are angry. Then they're weepy and crying. I opted to not go to their household. So I've stayed where I'm at. My original game plan completely collapsed. They live a hundred miles apart, so bouncing from one household to the other was never going to be real convenient.

Rose76

I found Al-Anon a good place to learn some important principles that apply to all relationships. I started attending meetings and reading their literature a very long time ago, when my sig. other was drinking so much he couldn't live responsibly. He couldn't keep a job. Being with him when he drank made me miserable. After I distanced and detached, he got very sick. Then motivated him to stop drinking. He stopped, and we became close again. I always intended to continue learning in Al-Anon.

Rose76

I got thru another night. I slept pretty well for maybe 4 hours. Wish I could go back to sleep now. Yes, this is way too long to be a guest. I'm not sleeping or eating much. My nephew left here yesterday. His mother told him to say goodbye to me, so he said goodbye as he walked past the open door of a room I was in. It was perfunctory.

I'm not as angry as I was the evening before last. I'm just weary. My sister was chatty last night after hubby went to bed. She offered criticism of how I handled a situation I had been telling her about. Her chatting at me regularly includes comments about how I mishandle this, that or the other thing. She's always been judgemental. The smartest thing I can do is refrain from confiding in her about any challenges I've dealt with, especially those involving interpersonal relations. She's quick to say what she would do differently . . . what she would or wouldn't put up with. It doesn't seem to occur to her that it can be good to just listen quietly and receptively, without pronouncing judgement and second-guessing and opinionating on everything.

I learned long ago to never confide in her about having a spell of depression. She would say, "I have plenty of things I could get depressed about, but I don't let myself." Or, "Use your coping skills!" I finally realized last evening that the less I reveal, the less of a target I'll make myself. It's probably best to stay mindful of neutral topics - like the weather, cooking or gardening - that I can shift the conversation to, as a way of not having to get critiqued so often. She tells me that she hates conversations about politics and, then, goes on to tell me what she thinks of politicians and how she has told people not to try and influence her with their political beliefs. I recognize this as a good time for me to not say much.

I seem to be suddenly learning the value of not saying much. It's even possible to talk a lot, without saying much. I was putting way too much value on deep heart-to-heart talks, thinking that earnestness is the mark of good communication. Sometimes it's safer to keep things light. It's okay to be superficial. We don't have to always bare our souls and put our guts on the table. Any experience can be enlightening. That's how I'm trying to look at this visit. Forming my thoughts in this thread is helping me.

I've mainly needed to calm down. A lot of the stress I've been complaining about is stress I'm causing for myself. I'm exhausted from it. I very much wanted to be the ideal house guest. That's caused me a lot of anxiety. Hour after hour of relentless worrying has given me chest pain and headaches.

Right now I'm worrying that I should get up and get dressed and leave this guest room. I'm afraid they'll be thinking I'm lazy, if I don't get up as early as they do. I need to stop that. I'm tired and could do with another hour of sleep. I might get it, if I quit worrying.

Rose76

I did get an hour's more sleep. It has felt less tense here today. BIL is a bit less distant.

I've been going through old family photos. Selecting ones to take back with me. I got very weepy doing this. The sense of loss I feel is bad.

I think of calling my other sister. I feel so guilty. I just don't have enough faith that she'ld even want to hear from me. I wish I could erase what happened. I just failed so bad at us having the happy reunion I'ld planned.

There used to be other relatives I'ld visit when I was out this way. My visits with them would be so warm. They've passed away. I wish they were here and I'ld go to them. My heart is breaking.

After today, there's two more days. I feel crushed. I need to talk to someone understanding. I want to go somewhere by myself. I should have rented a car.

LifeSupport

You said "I feel crushed. I need to talk to someone understanding". I've read a bunch of your previous posts and really feel your pain. I'm curious, do you feel you have been seen and heard by your relatives during your stay? Do you feel your relatives have been seen and heard by you?

Rose76

Today went pretty good.

Rose76

Awake since 1:30 a.m. Now it's 3:22 a.m.

Rose76

It's 4:09 a.m. Twenty minutes ago, I took amitriptyline 50 mg and Benadryl 50 mg.

I was sleeping great, but awoke at 1:30 a.m. The night previous to this night, I slept much better.

I'm just using this thread to keep track. No reply is expected.

I had taken my usual evening meds around 8 p.m. Those included amitriptyline 50 mg, which used to put me to sleep all night. Maybe being away from home is aggravating my chronic sleep disorder.