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TinyDancer38
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Default Jun 08, 2023 at 07:56 PM
  #1
we've been married 4.5 years and have 2 babies together. Our son is 2.5 and daughter is 11 months.
In both pregnancies he had no problem with not helping me anything.. like even holding a door open for me and also had no problem yelling at me when I asked for help. in my 2nd pregnancy I experienced preterm contractions at 19 weeks. I didn't want to go to the hospital and wanted to get them under control myself to avoid a hospital bill. But I had to ask my husband to take over making dinner since I couldn't stand. of course that was met with complaints, but whatever.
At 30 weeks pregnant, it was my last day of finals and I fell and rolled into the street at my parents house. They told me to go to the hospital, but I insisted I would go right after my final because I'm stubborn.
of course I was having contractions and wasn't feeling much movement by the end of my exam- it took less than an hour to complete. I went straight to the hospital trying to stay calm. I messaged my husband to let him know the situation and that he will need to pick up our son. all he said was "ok". Later at home we had an argument in front of HIS parents because I asked him to help out so I can rest because well, I'm on bed rest rest because of the fall. He didn't seem to register that it was a serious situation and actually scary and was confused why everyone was so concerned about me, even his coworkers were concerned and he didn't understand why..
I don't even know his coworkers.
Recently I had a breast cancer scare. I'm only 30 but have over 80% risk and needed an MRI and mammogram. so I get it done and this time I'm told they found abnormalities and need to get a biopsy because it may be DCIS. I tell my husband all if this and his response was, "everyone has cancer.."
I tell my close family and friends and they are so concerned and hold me close and pray for me.
I get the biopsy done and the same family and friends check on me to see how it went and to make sure I feel well.(it was the morning of my graduation as well, so lots of emotions this day)
not a word from my husband.
I get my results back and I DO NOT have cancer!
I cry happy tears as do my family and friends.
all my husband did was look up from his phone, say "cool" and then go back to his phone.

my husband is not on the spectrum.. his emotions are fine with other people. in fact, one of his online gaming buddies is currently dying of and cancer and he talks about him all the time and how it sucks that he has cancer.

He thinks he loves me but all he can tell me is how great my butt looks. He hates everything I like and the things that have been a huge part of my life. Mariachi? hates it, dancing? it's for idiots, date nights? what for?
He also hates when the kids cry for me, he takes it way too personally and even yells at them too.

I'm stuck in this for now. Therapy sounds like a good idea, but I know you can't make someone care if they just dont.
So, I guess I'm just venting.
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Have Hope
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Default Jun 09, 2023 at 03:42 AM
  #2
Why did you marry him? Was it always like this, even before marriage? There must have been good things that you made you say "I do'?

He sounds horrible, to be honest. Not caring, not loving, not supportive, shallow, and not helpful. And yells at you? That's verbal abuse. He sounds like he views you as a sexual object, not a human being or wife.

Why are you stuck? Finances? Can you leave and stay with your family? I would skip therapy and try to find a way to leave him. It's a loveless marriage, at best.

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Last edited by Have Hope; Jun 09, 2023 at 03:59 AM..
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divine1966
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Default Jun 09, 2023 at 04:49 AM
  #3
The only thing you could do is end this marriage for good. At the very least don't have more children with this man. If he simply doesn’t love you, I’d still expect some decency. He treats others decently even though he’s not in love with them. I’d separate from him and would rather be in a shelter. Talk to your parents if they’d help you out if you leave him
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Default Jun 09, 2023 at 01:58 PM
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I am so sorry. Do you have family you could stay with?
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Rose76
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Default Jun 09, 2023 at 04:30 PM
  #5
From what you've shared, it's very hard to disagree with your conclusion that your husband doesn't love you. This sounds like a terribly unhappy life for you to be living. It's okay for you to vent about it. Eventually, though, you probably need to do something more. With two very very young children to look after, I'm not sure what that is going to be. I'm glad you have family and friends that are interested in you and seem to really care about your well-being.

It may be that your husband is just not a loving man. He may be someone who wouldn't be capable of loving anyone. He may express concern about this gaming buddy, but he doesn't actually have to do anything for that person.

At some point, you may have to seriously consider leaving this marriage, but I can understand that you may feel too dependent on him right now. Therapy might help you. Do stay as connected as you can to those in your life who show you some warmth. Maybe confide in one of them and see what impression they have of how your husband treats you.

Some spouses are not very demonstrative and care more than they show. Somehow that doesn't seem to be the explanation for your husband's behavior. I'm sorry you're in such a discouraging situation, and I can see that it may be difficult to get out of. This sounds like emotional abuse. If there is an organization for abused women in your area, call and see if they could provide you with some counseling.
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Default Jun 09, 2023 at 11:16 PM
  #6
You've been through a lot in recent years: two children with a complicated pregnancy, academic study culminating in graduation, a cancer scare that resolved itself. I think you need to focus on treating yourself super well now. Whether it means immediately leaving the marriage or waiting out is to be determined.
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Default Jun 10, 2023 at 07:00 AM
  #7
First off, I am glad you don't have cancer.

Secondly, why are you still with him? You get zero care, concern or support from him (which he keeps proving to you over the years). Is that the marriage you want to be in for the rest of your life?
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Default Jun 10, 2023 at 07:03 AM
  #8
It sounds like your husband is too young and immature to have the responsibility of children after only being married such a short time. He wasn’t ready to share you and give up being the center of attention.

This can trigger very early childhood resentments if a child has to suddenly share the parents attention with a younger sibling.
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Default Jun 10, 2023 at 07:24 AM
  #9
Do you feel loved and supported by your husband?

Even if your husband doesn't want to go to marriage counseling, you can go on your own. It may help you sort through how you feel and learn how amazingly strong you are. You have accomplished some wonderful things and survived some scary situations without his support. You can survive exploring your feelings and accomplishing emotional security too.

I wish you all the best. You deserve love and happiness.
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