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Default May 20, 2023 at 09:02 AM
  #1
So I board two planes to fly across a continent to get from where I live to where my family of origin has its roots. I arrive at the home of a sister whom I haven't seen in ten years. She'ld been encouraging me to make this trip. She's graciously hospitable. Five days later, my other sister - from a hundred miles away - arrives to join us for a sisterly reunion. She's been driven here by an adult daughter. This is a niece whom I've always been especially fond of.

We all go out together, and we eat and we drink. We come back to the house, and we eat some more, and we drink. We talk and we drink. We're all talking and laughing and cracking jokes and drinking. My sister and niece who drove here are inclined to be a bit loud and rowdy. I start to notice that this sister keeps cutting me off in mid-sentence when I go to say something. I have a hearing deficit that my relatives don't know about. (It's just developed in recent years.) I'm somewhat struggling to hear who's saying what and find gaps in the conversation where I can jump in. I keep getting cut off by the loud, rowdy sister who I'm sure doesn't even realize she's doing this. I feel frustrated and increasingly stressed. Again I start a sentence, and I'm cut off. At that point, I blurt out the following: "If I could just finish an effing sentence!"

I said that thinking it would sound kind of humorous. I realize immediately that I sound like an irritable crank. The room goes silent. I feel bad. However, rowdy sister doesn't seem too taken aback by my outburst. She encourages me to share my thoughts, and the 4-way conversation quickly resumes. Soon it's rolling along cheerfully.

An hour later, loud sister says something, after which I say something that contradicts her. A little back and forth ensues, but we're not mad at each other. However, my niece jumps up, gets in front of me and says, "I won't tolerate you talking to my mother like that. That's the second time tonight that you've been out of line." She goes on a long, very angry tirade. My sisters and I sit there silently, while my niece stands over me going on and on, having a complete emotional breakdown and giving me h€££.

Eventually, her mother tries to stop her and quiet her . . . and tells her she owes me an apology. She becomes very tearful and says she's sorry, but then stamps out of the room. She was obviously still very angry. I need to interject here that my niece has been getting treated for an emotional disorder.

Before my niece left the room, I did say that I too was sorry and that I regreted being snippy. After my niece left the room, her mother asked me to please not be affected by what had just happened. I went and sat beside her. She then started to break down crying herself, but stopped. Next she seemed angry. At that point, it dawned on me that she was rather more inebriated than I had realized. I said goodnight and went to bed.

Everyone else went to bed. I stayed awake in bed all night, feeling horrible. I felt hurt that my niece would get so hostile toward me. What was worse was that I felt so guilty that things I said had provoked her. In the morning, she and her mother left before I got out of bed.

I had planned to spend a week visiting this other sister. Now I feel like I won't. Though she's an adult, my niece lives with her mother. I told the sister I'm staying with that I changed my mind about going to stay a week with my other sister. This sister I'm staying with told me she let my other sister know that I would not be visiting her. I kinda wish she hadn't done that. My decision on that might have changed.

I can still change my mind and arrange to spend some days at my other sister's house. I probably should try to repair this rift. But I feel intimidated. My niece seemed so furious at me. Mainly I want to get onto those planes taking me home. I came out here to cement bonds with my family. Instead, the opposite has happened. There's been a lot of emotional turmoil in our family. I thought we we had gotten to a better place. We haven't.

I feel so bad. Part of me wants to smooth things over. Part of me is too disheartened. I just want to escape this. My return ticket is booked for 8 days from now. It can't be changed. I'm thinking of buying a one way ticket that will get me on a plane and out of here sooner. That seems wrong to do. But I feel like this trip has been a fiasco, and like I now don't care what anyone thinks of me. I screwed up everything.
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Default May 20, 2023 at 09:27 AM
  #2
Well and I know my opinion isn’t popular (and I was even told by a therapist once that just because I and my family doesn’t do something it doesn’t mean others shouldn’t), but nothing good comes out of gatherings involving excessive use of alcohol or other substances.

The only good thing about it is that when people sober up, they either don’t recall what happened or return to normal.

If such interactions are not uncommon in your family, I think none of it is irreparable. Maybe call your sister and tell her that you’d like to visit and that things got out of hand but you hope it could be fixed. Then call your niece and say the same. Then tell them all you have a hearing problem and it’s difficult fir you to interact at times. They might feel compassion. Tell them you love them and would like to mend the riff. On other hand you might just not say anything and let it all go. It might not be worth it

What do you feel in your heart?
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Default May 20, 2023 at 09:31 AM
  #3
I would find an open AA or al-anon meeting to go to. To help frame things, get some distance, put things in perspective. Yes youre out of town, but that could work to your advantage.
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Default May 20, 2023 at 09:51 AM
  #4
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Originally Posted by unaluna View Post
I would find an open AA or al-anon meeting to go to. To help frame things, get some distance, put things in perspective. Yes youre out of town, but that could work to your advantage.
Good advice. Actually those meetings might be the best when out of town. I am not sure how anyone can maintain anonymity in their own area. I went to couple of Al Anon meetings years ago when I was involved with alcoholic. I live in a large metro area and still at every single meeting I ran into people I knew. I still run into some people I saw at Al Anon meetings and it was many years ago and isn’t relevant to my life now. Going to meetings far away from home might the best
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Default May 20, 2023 at 10:22 AM
  #5
I thank you for the responses above.

@unaluna - I actually was attending an Al-Anon group to prepare for this visit. Back a few years ago, I was with my sister (the one with the daughter), and she seemed to get angry at me one evening after she had been drinking. I hadn't been drinking. Her mood change came out of the blue. I reacted by leaving her home and getting a hotel room. My boyfriend had just died, and I was at my sister's, supposedly so she could provide me with support and consolation. The plan was that she would put me up and take me to the funeral. I was horrified when she turned on me. After I flew back to where I live, we were on the phone to each other. We mended the rift, and all seemed well. I regretted the way I reacted, in leaving her home abruptly, which was hurtful to her. I deeply regretted that. At Al-Anon, I discussed this and my hope that, in future, I simply would not react to any alcohol fueled mood changes.

My good intentions came to naught.
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Default May 20, 2023 at 11:13 AM
  #6
@divine1966 - thanks for discussing those options. Alcohol does seem to be emerging as a factor behind things going sideways. Next day, I even said to the sister I'm staying with that I'm starting to think that I just can't be around my other sister when she's drinking. It also could be said that alcohol didn't improve my judgement - either - about what was a right way to interact.

I had always known my niece to be a very light drinker, but I'm told that has changed. Also, I'm told she's an avid cannibis user. A metal container of edible cannibis (gummy squares) got produced before she had the meltdown. She may have been alternating glasses of wine with "gummies." I'm not familiar with how cannabis affects the mind. It's never been my thing. I thought marijuana made people very relaxed and mellow. On the other hand, I've seen my brother get very morose and kind of belligerent after smoking a joint. He developed a major weed habit on top of his alcoholism. Ten years ago, he telephoned me to say he would never see or speak to me again. (He further stated that he wouldn't tell me why.) He has kept that promise. I don't even know if he's still alive. My point in mentioning him is to give some idea of how much failure I've experienced in trying to have good relations with my close relatives. My boyfriend of many years is deceased, and I've never had children. My parents have both passed away. So my siblings and their kids are all that's left to me. When one of them gets mad at me, I feel distraught over it.
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Default May 20, 2023 at 02:22 PM
  #7
It’s understandable that you feel distraught. It’s upsetting

Honestly if they smoke pot and eat edibles on top of drinking, I’d not expect civilized behavior. Sure some people are mellow when stoned but some aren’t at all and cannabis psychosis isn’t uncommon and if they mix it with alcohol, no wonder they can’t behave. It’s sad. But you didn’t cause it and can’t cure it
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Default May 20, 2023 at 06:02 PM
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Rose, Una's suggestion of an Alanon meeting sounds helpful. Maybe get some help with how to move forward?
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Default May 22, 2023 at 07:22 PM
  #9
I did google AL-Anon in this area. There were meetings. I didn't rent a car, and I'm not comfortable asking for a ride to, and from, a meeting. I'll go to meetings where I live when I get home, as I had been doing.

I haven't contacted my sister who left. I was supposed to be spending this week with her. Instead I've prolonged my stay with my other sister. It's getting old being here. I want to see if I can get a cheap flight out of here within the next couple of days. I just want to go home.

For 3 years I've been planning this trip. What a flop it's been. A tidy sum of money spent to be with people whom I don't feel good to be around. Somehow I thought it would be completely different.

The sister I'm staying with is being very gracious. Her husband doesn't hardly talk to me. Her adult son came by a few days ago. I had dinner with them. Her son, my nephew spoke exactly 4 words to me. When I was alone with him in the living room before dinner, he said: "When ya goin' back?" That's it! He's a college graduate, well into his 30s. He has a responsible job. I don't think he's incapable of making a little, polite small-talk with a visiting aunt. I think he imitates his father, with this - minimalist engagement with a visitor from Mom's side of the family. I think it's rude. I want to leave.

If this all sounds weird, it sure feels weird.
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Default May 22, 2023 at 08:46 PM
  #10
I have an old friend whose husband doesn’t speak to people when they are visiting. As bad as doesn’t say hello. He has a very high profile job and knows how to talk. It’s just his modus operandi. No engagement. Longer I live more perplexed I am about some people. I understand about social anxiety but I don’t think it is that as they speak to other people. Just not visitors. Weird. I have my own share of weird family things.

Maybe we should all put together a book of short stories about bizarre family interactions. It would be a best seller.
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Default May 22, 2023 at 09:34 PM
  #11
@divine1966 - I wondered if I was conveying this non-engagement thing so anyone would get what I'm saying. Thanks for getting it. This brother-in-law was a professional salesman. As you say, I'm not sensing that social anxiety is driving this reticence-to-engage, not with him, nor with my nephew.

I really enjoy my more distant relatives. I've been received with such warmth on visits to aunts, uncles, cousins. Closer family has been such a challenge. I hate that I failed at another encounter. I may be taking the whole thing too seriously.

My niece is emotionally troubled. I'm sorry for her. Her mother has never been able to hold her liquor. With so much geography between where I live and where my family lives, I see them infrequently. I have such limited time to connect with them. I'm so disappointed that things went badly.
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Default May 23, 2023 at 10:27 AM
  #12
I've just had chest pain from anxiety. It's gone now. The morning after the episode of conflict, I had a spell of chest pain. I get this very seldom - like about three times in a year. It's always connected to anxiety.

It's high time I left this guest bedroom and went downstairs. I slept poorly, waking up a lot during the night. I have anxiety about being around my brother-in-law. I can't wait for this visit to be over.

I feel so trapped. This house is out in the woods, far from everything. It's not walking distance to anything. And it's a small house.

I can't wait to get on the plane and go home. I don't feel well physically. The worst is being tired all the time, due to not sleeping thru the night.
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Default May 23, 2023 at 07:54 PM
  #13
I'm here to vent. I'm still visiting my sister. I just had dinner with my sister and her husband. It was feeling reasonably cordial. The brother-in-law interacted a little. Then their son came in unexpectantly. He immediately engaged with his parents. He has not said hello to me. Since arriving he has been conversing steadily with his mother. She and I are both sitting in the living room. I thought maybe he had stuff to tell her that he needed to get out. I thought I didn't want to interrupt him. I've looked in his direction thinking, if I made some eye contact with him, it might encourage him to acknowlege me in some way. He has not looked in my direction. He very ostentatiously has not looked in my direction.

This feels so weird and so uncomfortable. I can't see how to put a better face on this, other than to think this is flat out rudeness. He was rude as a child, and he's not changed. I do not believe this is shyness. I think he's staying the night. I expect he will do as he did when he was here for dinner a few nights ago. He will make zero eye contact with me and speak on and off with his parents and say nothing to me. I guess, if it feels too awful to me, I have the option of retiring to the guest room where I'm sleeping.

My sister has to know this is an odd scenario. She adores this son.

Well - this trip has been a learning experience.
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Default May 23, 2023 at 08:05 PM
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I bet dollars to donuts that he thinks you did not say hi to him first.

Maybe he's waiting for his participation trophy?

Im hoping its just alpha male nonsense.
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Default May 23, 2023 at 08:36 PM
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I bet dollars to donuts that he thinks you did not say hi to him first.

Maybe he's waiting for his participation trophy?

Im hoping its just alpha male nonsense.
I wondered if he needed me to say hi first. I don't think that's what this is about. I got the same treatment from his brother some years ago. I think my nephews have adopted behavior/attitude that was role-modeled for them by their father.

I have to get out of this place. I'll sleep here tonight. My sister and her husband have an appointment tomorrow afternoon. After they leave, I might call Uber to take me to a cheap hotel. Then I have to figure out what to do next.

What I'm picking up on now is just the latest, after years of experience with this family. Maybe I can get to a bus station in the nearest big town. From thete maybe I can get a bus to some other relative, who might put me up for a few days.
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Default May 23, 2023 at 08:48 PM
  #16
My father does this. Doesn’t say hello to people or says hello to some and ignore others or picks and chooses. It’s abnormal in every way. It’s hard to understand. But it is what it is. My husband also has very rude family members too. I just don’t get such outrageous rudeness
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Default May 23, 2023 at 09:17 PM
  #17
@divine1966 - Thanks for understanding that this is abnormal. It is. It feels like a head-game. It feels like I'm being regarded with disdain. I'm angry that my sister allows this.

She has always been blind to her husband playing head-games. She interacts with her son like she hopes she's pleasing him enough. I just want to get out of here.

Earlier today I checked my bank account and the credit left on my Mastercard. If I leave tomorrow, I'll need a hotel room for 4 nights. That gets expensive.
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Default May 23, 2023 at 11:21 PM
  #18
I must be starting to sound like a crazy person. I'm just frantic to get away from this family.

I'm telling myself to just calm down and make the best of the next 4 days. Right now I just want to get some sleep. I have a hard time relaxing here. Maybe I'll try some Benedryl.
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Default May 24, 2023 at 01:37 AM
  #19
I took some meds to help me sleep. I took a Vicodin, some Benadryl and an extra 30 mg of amitriptyline. I took that over 3 hours ago. Earlier I had taken my usual 50 mg of amitriptyline, melatonin 10 mg, some magnesium and a muscle relaxer. Yet, after all that, here I am wide awake. I hadn't slept well the previous nights, so I should be tired. I am tired.

I went thru boxes of things from my parents' house. They are both deceased. I looked thru bunches of sympathy cards from all the funerals in our family. I got sorrowful and weepy doing that. So many of the people I loved are gone. I was starting to wish that I was with them.

There was a time when I had all those relatives to visit . . . when I had my parents to visit. Visits were happy, and we talked and talked. Now I'm in this house, getting the silent treatment from my sister's husband and their son. I can't wait to get out of here. I'll probably never come here again.

My sister tries to be unfailingly nice. She pretends to not notice the passive-aggressive silent treatment going on. Maybe she thinks I'm such a fool that I'm not noticing it.

I do feel like a fool here.
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Default May 24, 2023 at 06:08 AM
  #20
I woke up at 6:30 a.m. I think it was 4ish when I fell asleep. Maybe earlier. I'm using this thread to see how much/little sleep I'm getting.
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