Opinions

My friend’s husband is not really someone I want to be around. He has very strong opinions about things he is not informed about. He does not see the racism, sexism and prejudice in our world and will argue this as a straight, white male.
He believes movements such as Black Lives Matter and #metoo are conspiracies. He believes that rape convictions shouldn’t be increased. He believes that having an opinion is a “mature” way of thinking.
When presented with actual evidence of something he disagrees with or has an opinion on he rejects it instead of examining it further or asking questions.
He doesn’t believe we should aim for equality and equal opportunities and stated that equity is just “giving people things”.

He’s probably the most immature person I have met who thinks they are the most mature. He believes if you change your opinion you’re admitting defeat.

I’m all for having healthy debates and I enjoy conversations when people disagree with me because it lets me challenge my own thinking and see how other people see the world.

But I must admit, I found his opinions, attitude and statements very difficult to cope with. I really don’t want to be around him.

I needed to get this out because I’ve bottled it up as they were staying with me this weekend.

I don’t think I will be able to talk to him about any of these subjects in the near future because I can’t handle the ignorance. But my friend is very important to me.

I honestly think I’m so shocked at the ignorance of his statements and his inability to see the world from another’s point of view. What kind of level of ignorance does that take???

How old is this man?

About 30.

Ah yes! Trying to present as mature and informed. Well he is developing his opinions but not in a way that shows respect for others who may not share his views. That can be difficult to be polite about when you want to maintain a friendship.

These last years, a lot has been written about conspiration theories and why people believe in them. In short, it is linked to specific psychological traits and in theory, we could all fall for them. Just look for "why do people believe in conspiracy theories" (or ask chatGPT ) and you will find many articles that will point in the same direction (which is of course what a conspiracy would look like ).

As for speakin gwith such people, I have learned that addressing their underlying anxieties and insecurities can help. Sometimes you can move on to whatever ideas these people may have. But is hard and the whole process can be frustrating. Whether it is worth the effort, that is for you to decide.

Edit: I am not sure whether we are allowed to link to other sites here but if so, I could alwas look out for an interesting article.

Oh yeah I’ve met people like that. Of any age.

You can’t change them. There’s zero reason to debate with them. Pointless. You can’t change their mind. Now if he was a child, I’d suggest educating him. You can certainly educate an adult too, but he has to be willing to learn. If they aren’t willing to learn, it will be a waste of time. Engaging in these conversations with him is futile

If you must be around this person, “grey rock” them. If there’s no need to be around them, just avoid them.

"But my friend is important to me." That right there is your answer. If your friend is special to you then make sure you invest that time productively. Most importantly try and stray from subjects that you and her husband do not agree on. Hopefully it will be easy to avoid social and political issues while all of you are out doing things together. I also think you need to pause before you jump too far into judging him for standing up for what he believes in. Why? Because you did exactly the same thing. You went down your checklist of virtue signaling like he did and you both came out looking about the same - no tolerance for different opinions. Both of you think you're right and your choices are the obvious ones. Let me say this. You got to give to live. That means you have to turn the cheek and show him tolerance if you want to see the bigger picture. Maybe in time, if he can see you're respectful to his views, it might make him think differently. Living by example is often the best way to persuade people no matter how you see the world.

Yes my friend is absolutely important to me.

However, I would disagree and say that I do have tolerance for different opinions than mine. And I was keen to continue to discuss but he got annoyed and stated that I would never change his mind (I wasn’t trying to, I was explaining why I think the way I do just as he did for me).

I have difference of opinion with my husband on things. But he is open to evidence and able to discuss his views without insulting me or claiming that I’ll never change his mind. He’s also willing to admit that he doesn’t know everything.

This guy had a strong opinion on almost everything that was discussed. And he couldn’t admit, even when presented with evidence, that there might be another way to think. I think the ignorance was probably the most rattling thing.

I appreciate that my original post could have been interpreted as me being intolerant of others views but that certainly isn’t the case and I usually actually enjoy learning how others think.

That is something interesting because that’s exactly what he said, that I’ll never change his mind.
I think I’m probably going to avoid him as much as I can.

He is insightless when it comes to having underlying anxieties and insecurities. He has no ability to recognise that could be contributing to his way of thinking. He kept repeating how mature it is of him to have a well established opinion that can’t be changed by a conversation or evidence to the contrary.

Absolutely! I agree, there are ways of developing an opinion in a healthy way. I guess he has learned that forming an opinion regardless of what that is, is a mature way to think. What would be more mature would be admitting that he doesn’t know enough about a subject to have formed a fully developed opinion.

The other problem that I realised was that he had an opinion about almost everything. Half of those topics I didn’t even engage him in. For example I would make a comment to my friend about my job/work. And he would have an opinion on that.

I didn’t engage in these discussions with him. But I found it quite difficult to be around.

I think I’m worried about my friend too, she apologised on behalf of him later (something I didn’t need to hear or expect to hear from her) and said that she doesn’t really “know much” so she doesn’t engage with him when he has these opinions. But some of her other friends can’t stand to be around him because he has insulted them.

What I was suggesting was not to engage in the discussion at all. I've had people littered throughout my life that I've had fundamental differences with from social structures to belief systems. You would be surprised how completely different people can be on those levels and still have healthy and productive relationships if they operate in the spaces where they agree.

I'm not a big proponent of having to "prove" what I believe, anymore than I need another person to justify themselves to me. If it works for you, then the standard to meet has been achieved. What someone else believes is their business and their space. We all come from different backgrounds with different life experiences that can skew our perceptions on many things that others never see.

Do those experiences make us wrong for how we choose to see the world? Of course not. For many people it can be a coping mechanism that is not immediately evident on the surface. There's allot to unpack with a person if you choose to delve into social , political, or religious topics. And if both of you do not have shared experiences, then you can have very different perceptions on how many things should work.

Your husband is going to understand you infinitely better than someone else's partner because there's a history and shared experience of being with you that gives him insight and a understanding even where the two of you disagree. You KNOW his intentions are good and well meaning as are yours for him. That's a bridge you don't have with your friends partner. So if he's overbearing on these topics, then leave it alone. Going to that well is just going to wear both of you out. And if he's the one starting the debate then don't engage. Just say you understand how he feels and move on to a different subject.

Some of this is coming from the different cable networks that have certain “leanings” and are battling against each other for ratings. Yet, what it boils down to is very wealthy moguls that are competing with each other.

It’s always been there but when these different cable so called news outlets came about the pushing of opinions began to muddy the overall facts and truths.

He sounds overbearing but I guess if he’s your friend’s choice you can either tolerate him or cut him out best you can. How do you tolerate intolerance… difficult one.

Personally I’d lean towards seeing her as much as possible without him present. A lot less stressful I’d hope.

He doesn't sound opinionated to me, he sounds like an insecure know-it-all.

Having an opinion is great. The very definition of an opinion precludes telling someone else they are wrong. Once there is a right and wrong, it's no longer an opinion, kwim?

I have a few family members in one group who are all know-it-alls. They literally look like they are competing to be the smartest person in the room at times. It would be funny if it wasn't so sad. I suspect that when it looks like that, it's probably one of those defense mechanisms that comes from a place of deep insecurity. When you look at it that way, it starts to feel kind of pitiful.

He's not particularly enhancing to your life, so I'd avoid him if at all possible, but if you are in his presence, why engage him on that level, especially since you know it's very unrewarding to engage with him that way? Let him spew his opinion, and don't worry about sharing yours. When I'm with those particular family members, I don't engage hot button topics, just engage when it does feel like it won't turn into a "let's put AP in her place."

He may not even care about where your opinions stand as much as he feels like arguing with and putting someone down.

My dad had differing opinions I knew from being around him, he knew nothing about.

However in todays society I truly dislike calling people who differ in educated opinions conspiracy theorists. Today that label is being used (thrown around) to discredit anyone who has an educated opinion that differs from some want us to think (including those who haven't truly educated themselves in research as to why they believe it).

It is NOT our job to change other peoples opinions. That is as arrogant as they come across with their opinion be all that is right. We can discuss & provide our opinion & the facts we believe support our thinking but most times those with differing beliefs & opinions have facts that have been researched to support their thinking just as strongly.

Sadly these days what one person thinks proves their opinion right is the same thing someone else thinks proves the opinion wrong.....& that is exactly why there is so much division in thinking that exists even between VERY EDUCATED people.

Just be careful on BOTH SIDES of thinking to leave being judgmental out of the situation

Most people who are against equity and equal opportunities and call it “just giving people things” are the first in line in the welfare office asking for whatever government could give them. The hypocrisy!

If you want to continue hanging out with your friend, why must you see her husband? Let alone engage in debates with him?

It’s healthy to just hang out with your friend. My husband is nothing like this dude but I usually go out with my girl friends like for a meal or a movie or a fair etc I can’t imagine my girlfriends wanting to spend any length of time debating politics with my husband. Can’t you see your friend out of the house?

Oh I see they are staying with you. So if it’s just one weekend, I am sure you can handle it being a gracious host. But they can also stay in a hotel. I thought you must see this dude all the time.