What is normal and is this a boundaries issue?

Most time of the time I strive to make things better, improve them, and do what I think is morally right.

I've realized that not every person has the same sense of care for their environment or others. For example, the other day I was a the office and the space to the sink is rather narrow. While I was using the coffee machine, a guy at work busted in and threw his left over coffee in the sink and walked away. He didn't even bother rinsing the sink! I didn't have the best impression of him, because he told me about his glory days and when I started talking about mine, he turned his back and walked away. I'm not concerned about this man, it's just that he is someone at work I'm not impressed with.

But, when it comes to my last marriage, I saw a pattern. I take it upon myself to do things, well, because they need to get done and had no help, or if I asked, asking in itself was a problem and I dreaded having to do so. Part of the demise was that I felt I was going at it solo. Not so much in the first marriage, as it felt more like we were a team.

Am I an idiot? Is this a boundaries issue in relationships? I don't want to be taken advantage of, and seems it is happening more as of lately. What I mean by this is that I see it more and more. First, I feel resentful and subsequently, I withdraw. As in the example of the coffee guy... why? I find it disrespectful towards the rest of us that work there. When he goes to the bathroom to do a #2... does he flush? I don't want to know! I'm sure you get my drift...

My sister had expressed not to have expectations. But... that is not right either. For example, if you work you expect to get paid. If you get married, you expect your partner to care for you - regretfully, I've learned this is not always the case.

Looking for tips on how to keep my sanity and not give too much. Does this fall under the boundaries type topic?

This is a good blog and covers the topic of boundaries.

Building Boundaries for Healthier Relationships

Hope it helps!

Boundaries, and that it's okay to have reasonable expectations of the people we live and work with.

And no, you are not an idiot. Rather, you are probably a very good person in situations where other people don't behave so well.

Where the real issues lie is in the 'why.'. Like the guy at the office with the coffee- does that thing not bother him, and he thinks nothing of it, did no one ever teach him, or does he feel entitled to leave a mess to be cleaned up by others?

I'm always striving to have more effective communication in situations like these, but in reality, it can fall of deaf or assinine ears. But at least we can say our piece.

Like the guy with the coffee, I might have said something to the effect of, "oh, let me get out of your way so you can rinse the sink down." A conscientious person would probably be slightly embarrassed that they didn't wait and do that. Then he would wait for you to move, and rinse the sink.

A self absorbed person would probably tell you it's no big deal and leave, but he might take more care in the future.

A passive aggressive person will start dumping the coffee in the sink in a way that makes an even bigger mess, just to get even with you.

So, you have a right to nicely state a preference, but how they react is going to tell you exactly who they are. But if you don't say anything, they will never know and we can't expect changes. If they don't change, well, that's on them.

It's a good question though, because I bet most people can relate to someone they deal with who doesn't have the consideration for others that they should in a given situation.

Honestly I think this is a situation where you have to decide what works for you and stay in that lane. There are some people who want everything to have order and its place and there are others who walk through life less defined. I don't think there is a right or wrong to it so much as you understanding not everyone will decorate their table in life as you would. The office example really speaks to personal habits and less about personal space. The breakroom is for all employees and chances are that fella has a full sink at his residence before he puts things in the dishwasher. Then again maybe he was busy and that was just a quick detour on his way back to his desk before a meeting. I wouldn't put too much weight on little things people do because you have zero context as to the bigger picture here. I've met people before who appeared very defined one way, who turned out to be the very antithesis of that perception in their personal lives. I think the less you try to fill in the blank spaces and size people up the better you will be. Its like the old saying goes, 'Never judge a book by its cover.'

I wouldn't put these things under the heading of "boundaries issues." In no way does that lessen the importance of your concern. It does alter the nature of what response you can employ to be less distressed.

One approach is to simply suggest to the person that they do the proper thing. You could say something to the guy dumping the coffee. Personally, I might not because the guy is likely to just say something insulting back and not change the behavior. Still, it could be effective, depending on the force of your personality. You might try saying something humorous. Or say, "Hey Joe, it would be really nice if you would give that sink a rinse." or "Is that what you do at home. Doesn't your wife get mad?"

In the case of no help from a spouse, it is a lot more serious. If you tell your mate that they are not fairly sharing the load, and they demonstrate not giving a darn, then this is probably a marriage you want to get out of . . . as you did. Retaliation can be an approach, whereby you don't wash his clothes or his dishes, etc, hoping he gets motivated to pitch in.

Some people are "doers," and they tend to take up the slack of the neglectful people around them. If that's you, I'ld say just give yourself a pat on the back. I don't know that you can really change others. If you are habitually managing things that are other people's responsibility, then you might be the person who is transgressing boundaries. (I'm not saying you do that.) Sometimes you have to let people wallow in their own crap before they wake up to what they need to do about it. Good luck.

Good point. And if that is the case it would fall under the category of being codependent, wouldn't you say?

People have called me co-dependent before, but here is the definition (or a definition):

Codependency: How to Recognize the Signs

1) Having a sense of “walking on eggshells” to avoid conflict with the other person - THIS DEVELOPED OVER TIME AS HE WOULD BLAME ME

2) Feeling the need to check in with the other person and/or ask permission to do daily tasks - NEVER. BUT I EXPECTED HIM TO DO TASKS AS HE LIVED IN THE SAME HOUSE

3) Often being the one who apologizes—even if you have done nothing wrong - ONLY WHEN WARRANTED, WHICH WAS SELDOM

4) Feeling sorry for the other person, even when they hurt you - NO

5) Regularly trying to change or rescue troubled, addicted, or under-functioning people whose problems go beyond one person's ability to fix - NO

6) Doing anything for the other person, even if it makes you feel uncomfortable - NO

7) Putting the other person on a pedestal, despite the fact that they don’t merit this position - NO

8) A need for other people to like you in order to feel good about yourself - NO

9) Struggling to find any time for yourself, especially if your free time consistently goes to the other person - MAYBE. I HAD TO DO A LOT OF HOUSEHOLD TASKS

10) Feeling as if you’ve lost a sense of yourself within the relationship - DEFINITELY

I rate myself as a 3/10. I don't think I am codependent. But I like living with someone and that kills me... going to an empty house. I was the youngest in a large family and there was always something going on - that brings me peace, believe it or not.

And no, I do not take on other people's responsibilities unless it's going to hinder me. I am very good at staying in my line, especially professionally. However, other people have tried to give me more work and I've refused right away. Then I'm not a team player! HA! But, under my own roof, I have expectations of people living in it pulling their fair share. And when they don't, that's when the problems arise.

As for the coffee guy, he is leaving and most are happy about it. I've known him for years. Many people are unimpressed by him.

I never use the term co-dependent. I'm not clear on what it's supposed to mean. The term seems to get used inconsistently. It seems to mean different things to different people. I have some doubt that it's even a valid concept. I prefer adjectives that are more straightforward.

"Co-dependency" is the name of a theoretical construct that I guess was developed by psych professionals. I think non-psych-professionals should avoid the term and just speak plain English.

Perhaps it's just over my head.

Can We Let the Myth of Codependency Go Away? • The Center for Motivation & Change

I tried getting a clearer idea of "co-dependency," but the more articles I read, the fuzzier the term seemed to be. I stumbled upon this article, with the link above. I offer it as food for thought.

Thanks Rose, I'll read the article, as it interests me.... especially since I consider myself as someone who has codependency issues.

And Blueowl, you seem to have a good handle on yourself. Hope you find the right person to live with.

Great discussions!

Only one person brought up that I was co-dependent during the demise of my first marriage, and now that I look back, it's not like she explained why or what actions I may have taken to make it so. Seems like it's used loosely. I have a scientific background and was going to dig into it, to see if... well... (maybe?)... I was co-dependent.

@TheGal,

Am not entirely sure that I have a great handle on all of this. I am book smart but not necessarily wise. I've learned a lot by being in this forum, reading lots of books, and watching videos online.

IMHO, these are the types of concepts we should have been taught in high school. We can always learn hard-core skills, but it's soft-skills that sometimes get us in trouble.

You may want to explore whether, indeed, you may be codependent or it may be something else. None of us are perfect.

Thanks for this, Blueowl !!