Scary experience with an acquaintance

Thank you @Open Eyes for your condolences. Three months isn't a long time. I think it will be a slow process for me. I continue to read grief resources and reach out to grief counseling groups.

The way she emotionally abused her own mom throughout the day on the phone, reminds me of that male attorney who's been in the news again recently for his divorce and child custody case. There are a multitude of videos online that show him engaging in domestic violence with his now deceased wife and his 3 young daughters. He calls his wife and daughters names, tells them to shut up, screams at them, etc. it's very triggering to watch.

His domestic abuse reminds me of my former friend's domestic abuse with her own mom. Once I made the parallel between my former friend and this male attorney's behavior, I realized that I did make the right decision to leave her house and to end the friendship. If she speaks to her mom that way, it's easy to assume that she also speaks to her husband and roommate and to all of her friends that way when she gets mad at them.

I feel terrible for those 3 young kittens because of the conditions of their environment. One of the kitten's came from another hoarder's home into her home (another hoarder) so no wonder it pees and poos everywhere, due to its own fear and anxiety there.

Thank you for sharing your own relatable experience being a house guest, @TishaBuv. I know you're right. I don't need to blame myself for not knowing that my former friend's house would be in such a state of disarray. There is no way, no way that I could have predicted that her home wouldn't be cleaned, that she wouldn't be a normal hostess and show me around her home and yard, and have fun sightseeing activities planned for us to do in her city during my visit.

Most people - including me - would not behave the way in which she behaved. I don't know why I'm still second guessing myself about this. I know, even if I'd checked into a hotel, when I would have arrived at her house, it would still be in that state of disarray, and she'd likely still would have spent hours on the phone arguing with her mom, ignoring me in the process.

Either she didn't care that I was there (?) or she assumed I'd just be ok with her spending hours arguing with her mom on her phone and not be bothered by it.

I did set the boundary with her that her behavior was disrespectful and triggered me emotionally and that I felt unsafe around her (due to her emotional abuse of her own mom, triggering me about my own emotional abuse from previous friends and partners, and reliving my mom's death from 3 months ago). She didn't apologize and she continued to ignore me. Then acted surprised when I told her I felt afraid to be around her. Her reaction showed me that she didn't really care about my feelings.

I mean, who acts crazy and assumes the other person (witnessing it or who is on the receiving end of it) isn't affected by it? Her behavior alarmed me. It triggered me. There was no way I could have predicted she'd go off the deep end like that. She'd also had a huge fight with her husband the day before my visit. She could have told me via text message that she'd had a fight and that she wasn't up for a house guest then I would have definitely booked a hotel room. But she didn't bother to preempt me with this important information. Clearly, she wasn't in the headspace for visitors. Fighting with her husband AND her mom. She could have warned me before I took that $60 taxi to her house.

This is a thread about boundaries. Mine. Hers. Everyone's. Why don't we use boundaries with each other as adults better? Was I wrong to expect her to use appropriate boundaries with me? Was I wrong to set boundaries with her and then leave and then end the friendship without any discussion after her bizarre behavior?

I deserve to be treated with respect and kindness too.

I need to find and surround myself with people who value my friendship, who don't emotionally abuse and manipulate me.

It’s very possible that this woman that shocked you has ADHD and her mother also has it. This kind of relationship can be explosive and loud and can be very disturbing and unsettling to others. Along with that it’s not unusual for the ADHD environment be what you described witnessing. The anger directed at you is also very common and the only thing you can do
Is what you did which was walk away
As quickly as possible.

This kind of person is not really capable of understanding how you are challenged right now with grieving over the loss of your mother.

Please don’t blame yourself for what happened. Obviously she was able to fool you until you stayed ar her place. I have been fooled by people to many times before.

I have actually made worse decisions than you. Long story short, I once stupidly agreed to share a hotel room with a platonic male friend & his g.f when we went out drinking. It wasn’t planned. It was his idea.

I think he actually planned things. He knew I didn’t have enough money for my own room. I didn’t actually get to know him in person during the 2 or three years we were friends since he couldn’t go out that much then since he had to take care of his dad who had dementia.

He was so pushy & disrespectful the whole night. He kept trying to get me to reveal something I told him in confidence to his g.f.

And him & his g.f were watching me at one point. It was bizarre. I tried to brush it off since his das just died. I’m sure he was trying to get me drunk & hoping that I’d have a threesome with him & his weirdo g.f, lol, ugh!

I had it with him & told him so, so he got mad & left me at a bar. I slept in my car. I didn’t want my husband to get mad at me.

I stopped being his friend. He seemed fine before that. Always stay at a hotel and get your own room. I know better now too.

Some people are good at putting up an act. Don’t believe everything tell you either. That lady probably lied to you about a lot of things.

I don’t understand how a lawyer could act like that. Or live like that. Maybe she’s no longer a lawyer or she never was a lawyer at all?

Anyways, I also have a hard time keeping & making friends. I’m not sure why that is. Maybe it’s because I’m shy & introverted. Maybe it’s because most women my age are to busy with work, kids, and they have enough friends or family to keep them busy, idk.

Some people are just selfish too. They make everything about themselves, so it’s not just you. It seems like if you don’t have anything to offer a person in the way of social status, favors, or anything like that, then they aren’t interested in neing ‘friends’ with you.

Thankfully nothing happened. It’s good that you were anle to stay calm.

I agree with you @Open Eyes that she isn't capable of understanding (let alone care) how I'm challenged right now with my grieving over my mother's death a few months ago.

I could hear her mother scream back at her through my former friend's cellphone. It was apparent to me that they did not have a healthy mother-daughter relationship based on how they just yelled over each other. Total opposite of the type of relationship that I had with my own mother. Sure, we had our moments and I complained about her favoritism on here and sometimes her judgy behavior that I took personally...but we never screamed over each other and we also always listened to each other, even if we disagreed with the other person. Plus, she's gone forever now and I won't let anyone like this former friend, mar my relationship with my mother because she's too selfish to care about my feelings.

Wow, @jesyka thank you for sharing your own personal experience your guy friend and his girlfriend, to commiserate with me about making bad decisions. It's terrible the way he took advantage of your situation with no money for the hotel room. And then tried to proposition you with his girlfriend. What a creep. I'm sorry to read that you had to sleep in your car because you were worried what your husband would think. People make mistakes. I hope he is understanding if you ever eventually told him. If you haven't, don't worry. It's not worth it. I'm not sharing this experience with anyone except this forum, my cousin, and the counselor whom I spoke on the phone with today.

Neither you nor me knew that these people had ulterior motives and clearly they took advantage of our vulnerable good nature. Fortunately, you and I are the wiser for it, because "fool me once, shame on you" as the saying goes.

I don't understand how she (a lawyer) could act so unhinged with me, a brand new (and now former) friend. She isn't practicing (gee, we know why now don't we). So, she published a book b/c she's related to a well known writer and has an MFA in writing so she uses her last name to make literary connections. Plus, her mother's a journalist too. I think no matter what their professions, they are two very dysfunctional people. At least I learned the truth - albeit at the expense of my mental health and a small financial hit of the plane ticket nonrefundable cost (dumb move on my part, nonrefundable).

I spoke to a counselor tonight and like you and everyone here, he pointed out that I should be aware of how a person reacts to the boundaries that I put up. He said that her overreaction to my reasonable boundary showed him (and shows me) that she didn't like my boundary because she had ulterior motives (he didn't speculate what those were but hinted that she is probably diagnosed with something). He advised that most people don't react that strongly to a friend's boundary; most people react a little and then apologize if they truly respect and care about the person whose boundary's they crossed.

Like you and others point out, some people are just selfish and make everything about themselves so that it isn't me in this case. I didn't cause her to overreact to my reasonable boundary. She didn't like being called out (which is what my boundary setting did). So she got mad.

I am like you - introverted and I don't fit in with the female working professional crowd. I'm not married. I don't have children, and I don't have family (my siblings and I aren't close and neither are my cousins).

The counselor encouraged me to keep setting boundaries when I feel my boundaries being stepped on by people. He said it will get easier the more that I do it. I think I was able to stay calm with the former friend, b/c I knew deep down that any sign of stress from me would trigger her even more. So, I stayed calm to protect myself. I didn't raise my voice and I didn't take her baited sarcastic remarks and didn't respond. I just said very few words, "I don't feel safe here with you. I'm going to leave now. I'll figure it out." Then I walked out, and shut her front door behind me. She tried to bait me by yelling about her cats being harmed by my shutting her front door loud but I just ignored her verbal bait and kept walking until I was 2 blocks away, and called the Uber.

I appreciate everyone's support in this thread. I feel a lot better now and can see that none of that experience was my fault at all. None of it.

One thing I learned is that just because a person has letters after their name doesn’t mean they are able to use that title in a productive way. People can have law degrees but be horrible lawyers. Plus, there are many different kinds of lawyers. A real estate lawyer is not a criminal attorney or a tax attorney for example. There are people who manage to pass the bar but fail miserably at practicing law. But “maybe” that person can teach on some low level, maybe. Sounds like this individual is just able to practice being a BS artist.

A good grief counselor is someone who can sit and listen in a respectful nonjudgmental manner while the patient slowly sorts out their personal sense of loss.

I just want to say that I have noticed that you have put effort into being self aware and also making changes in terms of your own behaviors that can cause problems. You have been making progress and in this situation, while getting so caught off guard by this person’s horrible behavior and very disorganized state, you handled it rather well. Not reacting and making an exit as quickly and safely as possible is really the best way to handle that type of situation

In your effort to recover yourself and process you also did well in realizing this is not your fault and there are things you can do to prevent this type of experience in the future.

I see your processing showing more self awareness and growth and maturity. 😉👌

That's so true, @Open Eyes that academic or professional pedigree doesn't necessarily mean that the person has good moral character. As I learned first-hand, just because she has a juris doctor, an MFA, and famous relatives, doesn't mean she has good moral character. An emotionally healthy person would have handled my visit and their personal family relationships differently around out of town visitors. At least I know that I would. I think she gets by on her laurels (financially, academically, and publicly) for a couple of reasons. Her last name opens doors and as we know, sycophants exist. They are the bottom feeders of society and their financial motivation means they will exploit whomever helps them earn more $ and get promotions. I think she is so used to people treated her with special treatment, that she is not used to being knocked off her pedestal by mere humble mortals like myself. She can yell and scream because she's entitled...as her last name permits it.

When we walked on her porch, she commented that "I could do a finger painting and sell it for money because you know...". I just stayed silent, unimpressed and put off by her haughtiness. I thought, really? She was intentionally sat in front of her house in her hard, hand painting a side profile portrait of her great grandfather. I felt like the narrator character in F. Scott Fitzgerald's novel about the delusion of the great American dream, in "The Great Gatsby." She is my version of The Great Gatsby; someone sheltered from the real world who takes advantage of her inherited wealth and prestige and reputation without ever having to prove herself. And when confronted with proving herself, she falls short of respectful, empathetic, and moral. She's a combination of the main character and his love interest who is married to someone else, who loves only wealth and the superficial. She can't be bothered sympathizing with the real world because that requires her to be held accountable for her actions.

I'm still searching for grief counselors and groups - to no avail. After my terrible experience with that grief group led by that unlicensed grad student, I am hesitant to want to sit and listen to complete strangers who may or may not be triggered by my grief story and lash out at me, traumatizing me even more than I already am by my mother's death. Last night, I cried as I listened to her voicemail where she reminisced about how happy she was that I was born, as a late birthday wishes voicemail. She died 7 days later in a hospital room, with my sister, while I was trapped in the hospital elevator with our sandwiches. At least I was there for her when she was cremated. At least I have her voicemails and can listen to her voice when I need her for comfort.

Thank you @Open Eyes. I have been on a journey to unlearn all the patterns, habits, and attitudes that I developed as coping mechanisms. They definitely don't serve me in my early 50s anymore. I'm ready to focus and finally become who I was meant to be all this time. So, I'm a little behind schedule but at least I'm on the right path, finally. Better late then never, as they say.

If I run across another person like my former friend, I will continue on my way without investing in any type of relationship with that person. I don't want to be around someone who reacts that way to my boundaries, being sarcastic and trauma dumping on me because I said "no."