Scary experience with an acquaintance

So I’ve known this person for about two years. We talked on the phone, a lot, and were Facebook friends.
She invited me to visit her and meet her husband and roommate. So I flew to her city where I also have a cousin.

The first red flag I noticed was that I had asked her for her address. She waited until I landed to text to me. Then I asked her if there is a light rail or bus number I could take to her location and she says oh my roommate does it all the time, But she would not elaborate or give me any information. I ended up spending $60 on a cab.

When she wasn’t taking her moms calls to scream at her mom, she would just scream at me about her horrible family and horrible husband, and horrible life. And she had these three one year old kittens in our house who come to me and want to play.

I did manage around 8 o’clock to convince her to leave her house because I was starving, I convinced her to go go the co-op to buy food to eat.

Red flags I noticed…She would not turn the light on in her house or her kitchen. She had one pot to cook everything in. When she steamed vegetables and water, she ate directly from the pan.

She kept putting bee fork back in the food instead of let me take a serving.. So I didn’t eat any of the vegetables and then she went into her room, close her door mom called again, and they were screaming at each other for about two hours this time. I finally started to get tired and texted a friend for advice. My friend told me to get the hell out of there because she sounds like a ticking time bomb.

Her husband and roommate were not there and she knew that my mom died three months ago yet she spent the entire day ignoring me and yelling and screaming at her mom on the phone who would call like every 15 minutes.

I just sat in their guest room, literally terrified all day and then finally decided I needed to leave because I felt unsafe when I told her why I was leaving she tried to stand in the doorway and not let me leave.

And then she said well why didn’t you leave earlier if I’m such a monster? No one ever accuse me of that for. Yet Earlier in the day she talked about how her husband and her had a huge blowout fight the night before and that he’s the narcissist and she’s the victim.

She was also texting her husband and her friend while I was trying to leave her house. She kept emphasizing how I was mentally ill for believing she could physically hurt me says the woman who spent 12 hours screaming and yelling at her mother on her cell phone and ignoring her guest, who spent money on a plane ticket, expecting to visit her for a weekend.

And when I finally left her house and closed the door, I could hear her scream from behind it you’re scared my cats. Then I went and walked a couple blocks and downloaded an Uber app called an Uber and found a hotel. Now I have to change my flight. I’m so freaked out you guys. Normal people don’t behave that way.

When you have a guest, you don’t spend a whole day, ignoring them, and screaming at someone you know on the phone literally the entire day. And I need to add this person is an attorney and writer

I wonder why she did this to me. I don’t know how to process this experience because I feel violated and traumatized. It’s clear to me that she has a mental illness. I didn’t yell or scream at her. I just told her that her behavior scared me, I told her that her, ignoring me all day was disrespectful and rude, considering she invited me to come visit her for three days.

I also told her that it was triggering for me to listen to her screaming her mom and Conor my names when I just lost my mom three months ago.

Sounds absolutely terrifying. I am glad you are out of there.

Have you ever met this person before?

I heard a lot of stories in real life and on here that when people only know each other online (both romantically and friendship wise), when they take a risk of staying in person’s house, things turn very differently than expected. Of course it’s not a rule. But sadly it happens a lot.

Sounds like this person didn’t show true self to you until you actually met her. There is no answer to why she did that to you. We simply cannot know. All we know that she is a horrible mess and you are lucky to get out of there.

(((Motts))) that’s such a horrible experience to go through. Hoping you can get back home very soon, it sounds like this happened in the last few days so very recent, I’d say focus on keeping yourself calm enough to get home and you can start to process it when you’re in a safe place. You’ve done the right things in getting away and getting a hotel.

This story is crazy. Glad you got out of there.

Wow! I would have been afraid too. Are you home and safe now?

I'd met her via the Zoom course she taught and then we spoken on the phone after that a few times and mostly communicated through Facebook. We have a mutual acquaintance.

I agree with your observation that people don't show you their true selves until you actually meet them in person.

I feel like if I had stayed in a hotel, the situation would have been similar: she would have left me hanging without any plans b/c she would have been on the phone all day fighting with her mom. She hadn't suggested any site seeing activities when we spoke on the phone before I booked my plane ticket, despite sharing with her that I wanted to visit certain tourist attractions in her city.

She also didn't tell me before I booked my plane ticket that she didn't drive or have a driver's license (I didn't ask her why she didn't have a license, maybe I should have in hindsight; maybe she never got her license or she lost her license due to a driving infraction). She didn't tell me that she is a cat hoarder.

The way she so dismissively treated me yesterday, makes me think she's used to sycophants around her, b/c of her last name. She has published a few books. So, I think she assumed I'd just do what other people around her do; placate her b/c of who she is. She just assumed I'd allow her to cross my interpersonal boundaries and not hold her accountable for her actions.

The fact that she didn't apologize to me for the way she chose to continue to take phone calls from her mom throughout the entire day, is also a huge red flag for me. I don't think she cares that she ruined a potentially great friendship with me. I don't think she respected me based on how she treated me either. Like, I bought a non-refundable plane ticket. I assumed I was going for a fun, normal, quick weekend visit to site see and hang out with a new friend.

It was a horrible mess. She could have easily set boundaries with her mom and told her mom to stop incessantly calling her b/c she had a house guest. She told her mom I was there and talked about me as though I wasn't sitting in the same room as she was. That was really boundary crossing for me. It made my head hurt.

It really traumatized me, you know? I'm starting to process it now and hope to get it fully processed quickly so I can let go of the stress it caused me both mentally and physically.

Me too. I have never been in that kind of situation before with a person, where I felt physically and emotionally unsafe to the extent that leaving was the only option.

Yes, I flew home yesterday. So, I am home safe now. Thank you! I'm glad people can see my side of the situation. I don't think I was wrong to end this new friendship because of what she did to me yesterday.

What is it that Oprah said, "when people show you who they are, believe them." She showed me that she didn't respect me and that she doesn't apologize when she does something wrong. Why would I want to forgive someone like that and give them a second chance?

The bedrock of a healthy friendship is mutual respect of boundaries, trust, and to feel safe and secure when you're with the person. I didn't feel respected by her. And I definitely didn't feel like I could trust her in the future, since I didn't feel safe or secure as a guest in her house.

When I told her that I didn't feel safe in her house, that I was afraid she'd try to hurt me, instead of acknowledging my feelings to validate my concerns (even if my feelings or concerns were irrational they're still valid because I feel them based on my environment) , she just deflected with, "no one else has ever said they feel scared to be around me." Such an emotionally immature response because she doesn't want to take responsibility for her choices.

She kept saying, "I'm sorry my mom is incessantly calling me," before going into her bedroom to take her mom's incessant phone calls for the duration of the 10 hours I was at her house yesterday.

So, she wasn't really sorry because she completely dismissed my feelings by continuing to take her mom's calls and just leave me sitting there, wondering what was going on. Like, my feelings don't matter at all.

She could have easily managed expectations for everyone, by setting boundaries with her mom, "I'll call you tomorrow, Mom," and with me, "we can plan some site-seeing to do x,y, and z." That's what mentally healthy people do. Not her. Bringing in the 'other people believe I'm a good person so you're wrong' claim to manipulate me to second guess myself.

I found this blog about the difference between healthy and unhealthy friendships. I know I haven't been a healthy friend and have complained about it here in my posts on various threads. But the difference between her and me, is that I'm striving to get better at making and keeping friends as an adult.

Still processing the stressful incident with that woman, I came across this blog post on Psych Central about adult tantrums with 7 suggestions on how to handle the situation. Glad that I instinctively did 6 (I didn't contact an authority figure).

Yesterday, I processed the incident with a social work grad student (at one of those walk-in counseling centers where those students earn hours towards their licensure with supervision while seeing patients).

The social work grad student commented that I did the right thing by leaving, if my intuition/gut instinct indicated that this woman's behavior and her cat hoarding house made me feel unsafe (which it definitely did).

The woman definitely was beyond the point of reason and she wasn't open to hearing me. I could have stayed overnight and try to talk to her the next day, but I wasn't willing to stay in that unsafe environment.

When I did set my boundary with her, I remained calm because I really was afraid of her.

I'm trying not to take her weird behavior personally and remember that her choices are not a reflection of me at all. She could have made different choices that led to a different outcome during my brief visit.

I kept myself safe by leaving her house.

I'm trying to breathe and decompress afterward. I'm trying to take time to process how I feel about the whole incident.

I have other online friends who want me to visit them (one lives in Florida). I think if I ever do visit them, I will NOT stay with them and will opt for a hotel instead. Or, they can come and visit me and stay in a hotel. So far, none of my online friends have indicated that they want to come visit me and since friendship is supposed to be a two-way street, I'll just wait and see what happens with these other online friends.

The big takeaway for me with this situation, is what divine1966 said, "you don't really know someone until you spend time with them in person." Even if I had prolonged my in-person visit to hang out with this former new friend, her adult tantrum behavior would have still revealed itself at some point, and that's not something I'm willing to put up with, from another adult friendship.

The thing about meeting people online is that they may have problems with alcohol or drugs and you don’t notice. So you don’t really know who they are.

I guess I shouldn’t give people the benefit of the doubt until they actually earn my trust. A cynical approach, yes. But who treats a new friend like that and thinks it’s normal?

Was it unrealistic for me to expect a normal experience at her house? She invited me to stay at her house too, by the way, I guess next time I won’t take the person up on that until I know them better.

I don’t think it’s cynical at all. I think it’s just being reasonably cautious. It’s always recommended to meet people on a neutral territory in a public place at a day time. Sure it’s mainly meant for a romantic date but it’s not that different if it’s friendship situation. Not only she could be unstable (which she turned out to be) but her husband and roommate could be drunks or on drugs or criminally insane and who knows what else. Sadly people cannot be trusted until you really know them

It’s realistic of you to expect her to behave like normal people would. Of course there’s nothing wrong with your expectations. But clearly it’s not what happened. She was skillful in her portraying herself as a decent person. Clearly she is not

Good point, divine. When she had offered to let me stay at her house, I should have declined in hindsight and stayed in a hotel. I guess, the benefit of my experience is that I caught a glimpse of her true nature -- dismissive, supercilious, is never at fault, exploitive, passive aggressive, emotionally needy, manipulative and a cat hoarder. So, I saved myself time?

If I'd stayed in a hotel, I may not have seen that side of her personality yet - albeit I would have seen the state of the house which would have set my red flag meter off.

I keep thinking about the state of her house. She's from the city she recently moved back to a couple months ago, yet her furniture was from a second hand store, soaked of cat piss, no lights (not sure if that's b/c she had no A/C in her bungalow) as there was no evidence of window A/C or central A/C , or why she left her dishwasher open with the lower tray pulled out full of dirty dishes. No TV or computer visible. No clocks visible. Just cats, cat piss, cat food and cat poop on the floor.

I also regret sharing the personal information about myself, that I did, with her. Because, now I wonder if all the personal information that she shared with me was just lies to emotionally manipulate me? I'll never know the truth, of course. I blocked her on my phone and social media. She was very skillful in her portrayal of a decent person. Now I wonder if it was entirely an act. She also said she was an only child. I looked up her family online and she has a step sister. So, she's a liar in that real sense.

And, the fact that I left my shirt soaked in cat pee behind by mistake. I wish I had recorded audio of that crazy experience. I feel like no one would believe me were I to tell people about that experience. What if that whole day was a giant 'put on' at my expense? Now I'm being paranoid. I don't know what's real about her, or that situation; except that I was genuinely emotionally terrified of her. And it takes a lot for me to feel that way about someone.

It would have been one thing, if she'd only argued with her mom on the phone once, and then ignored her mom's calls the rest of the day and we went site seeing or did something normal like that. But the fact that she continued to take calls from her mom and blatantly ignore me for hours, and then when I was leaving, put her husband and roomate on speaker phone while she yelled at me. That part...was bizarre.

Telling me, "Why didn't you just leave earlier?" also was a bizarre response. The sarcastic, "You slammed the door too hard and hurt my cat's feelings!" From a 52 year old woman. Words spoken from someone who has no emotional investment in this friendship. Like, she was detached from reality. Maybe she's surrounded by so many sycophants and her "friends" are really just social parasites or acquaintances who have also witnessed what I did and look past it, because of some social or professional benefit she provides for them. But I couldn't do that. I'm not a sycophant. I was genuinely being nice and thought flying there to hang out was going to be a fun new-friend weekend experience.

She betrayed my trust, was disrespectful and insensitive to the fact that my mom died 3 months ago while she screamed at her mom on her phone for multiple hours. I'd give anything to speak to my mom on the phone again. All I have are a handful of saved voicemails of my mom's 81 year old dementia-laiden voice. And, she didn't even apologize or seem to care that she hurt my feelings at all. Which makes me think, in the end, my friendship and my feelings never really mattered in the first place.

((Motts)) I believe you! I also believe that experience traumatized you. I also know what it’s like to wish I had a video of things I experienced so I can show people how bad it was.

There are some pretty sick people out there in this world. I have no problem believing you. Please remember hind site is 20/20 and you had no way of knowing this person would be so toxic. Moving forward should you meet someone get to know them in person first.

Three months is not very long, it’s going to take more time for you to adjust to your mother being gone. ❤️

We never stop missing a parent or special person that was a part of our lives. We just slowly psychologically accept the parent is gone.

Some people live such bizarre lives that if you tell others about it, it would sound totally made up simply because it’s just so out there. No lights and cat piss everywhere as shocking as it sounds doesn’t even surprise me.

I had an old colleague who worked as a house appraisal on a side. His family ran appraising company and he’d help out. He said that some houses looked like if you tell people, they’d never believe it. People wouldn’t even try to make changes before appraising their houses. Apparently pets peeing and pooping inside the house on a regular basis isn’t that uncommon. And not because people weren’t physically capable of taking dogs out or setting up car litters. I’d say there’s likely some severe mental illness at play because obviously it’s just not normal.

Not to defend her but having stepsibling wouldn’t make one not to be the only child. Stepsiblings are children of your stepparent. They aren’t related to you at all and technically aren’t your siblings. “The only child” just means your parents don’t have any other children. It doesn’t count children of your stepparent. Now of course you could have very close relationship with stepsiblings and could treat each other as siblings etc but many people don’t list them officially as siblings as they technically aren’t. It really depends on the situation and family dynamics.

Holy moly that’s a lot of dysfunction to experience- I’m so sorry, especially given your recent loss. She sounds like she has deep issues and possibly incapable of recognising how her behaviour is so extreme.

What I don’t understand is why she acted like this? If she wasn’t comfortable hosting me in her home, then she shouldn’t have offered to host me. I had planned to stay in a hotel anyway since my cousin wasn’t available.

That whole “performance” around her dysfunctional phone conversations with her mom and ignoring me, makes me wonder if she did that intentionally, so that I would leave. Because when I told her that I was leaving, she yelled, “well why didn’t you leave earlier?” Either she wanted me to leave earlier or she was surprised that I waited so long before deciding to leave.

I don’t know anyone who would act that crazy with a houseguest they invited, unless she had ulterior motives or she genuinely is so mentally ill that she didn’t think I would be bothered by the state of her house in disarray and her total lack of interpersonal boundaries.

I mean, 1) don’t invite me to visit 2) don’t invite me to stay at her house or 3) invite me to visit and find a nearby hotel and then suggest it to me. Those seem like rational choices?

I guess I am totally confused why she acted that way. Either she is really mentally ill or it was all a sort of performance?

Omg, I’m so sorry to heR that! She obviously has severe issues m! How long have you known her for? She sounds like a narcissist! It’s a good thing tyat you left! Blick her & never talk to her again!

It does sound like she expects people to cater to her or to suck up to her because she’s a lawyee & an authour. She sounds like a very entitled person.

Please don’t be so quick to trust just anyone again no matter who they are. Stay at a hotel next time. Don’t ever ger a non refundable plane ticket.

People can be weird & unpredictable even the ones you think you know. I’m glad to heae that nothing happened to you. Nothing you did was your fault m. She was obviously trying to manipulate & gasllight you.

Thanks, @jesyka. Yes, i think she definitely has some mental health issues. I knew her for 2 years (we met through a mutual friend) and I even took a Zoom class from her, where she publicly appeared very normal, along with the handful of times we chatted on the phone. There was literally no indication to me prior to booking my trip to visit her, of her incongruous behavior and the state of her house.

I've been listening to a lot of podcasts over the past week about female friendships. Some of the podcast hosts (women) state that there is a difference between an obstacle and a challenge, and that women shouldn't call each other 'toxic' when there are 2 levels of boundary violations (challenge being the lesser boundary violation, and the obstacle being a deal-breaker level of a boundary violation).

All I know is based on my past personal experience, that if you are friends with someone, you don't act the way that she acted -- even if she legitimately thought we were good enough friends (not having met in person, just via Zoom) where she could be comfortable enough to spend hours on her cellphone fighting with her mom, while she has a house guest (me) -- wasn't just a challenge, but was an obstacle for me.

The more I think about it, the more I think her behavior last Saturday was a friendship obstacle and deal breaker. A preview of what was to come had I stayed friends with her. I don't want those kind of female friendships in my life. I already have issues making/keeping friends for different reasons. I just want to have healthy female friends in my life. Healthy in the sense that the conflict between us normal conflict that is repairable because both of us respect each other's boundaries enough to acknowledge when we make a mistake.

Just today, two more Facebook friends invited me to visit them (and vice versa from my end - I invited them to visit me, too). Both women invited me to stay at their homes. To which I said no, that I would find a hotel to stay at (i.e. boundaries).

It's like you wrote, that just because you know someone, doesn't mean they can't be weird and unpredictable. And this woman definitely was very unpredictable. As much as I will miss the potential of the friendship, I won't miss what existed, which was the dynamic that she and I triggered each other. My sense of balance and calmness triggered her lack of boundaries. Her lack of boundaries triggered my need to feel emotionally safe around people, based on my past experiences with some very toxic people in my life who emotionally abused me.

When I analyze this experience, I realize that by agreeing to stay at her house, I showed a lack of common sense and a lack of boundaries for myself; that I was too trusting. I assumed her public persona was the same as her private persona. I learned I was wrong. Was it all for show or was it real? I'll never know, and I need to stop wondering because the bottom line is: she chose to act that way around me the first time meeting in person for her own reasons. Reasons I'll never know.

I don't know why this experience still bothers me, but it does.

She sounds horrible. I hope you quickly recover. Hopefully she treats her cats better. I hate thinking what those defenseless cats have to live through.

I’ve been invited to stay over at the house of a friendly acquaintance I don’t really know outside of a group that meets online. I wouldn’t dream that her home would be in the state you described with cat feces on the floor. I wouldn’t put blame on myself for assuming it is safe to stay over with a friend who extended a warm invitation. But seeing as this happened, it is wise to opt for a hotel in the future. It’s a shame because the vast majority of people would have had an acceptable home and polite behavior. You couldn’t have predicted this with this woman.