Why can't I have a healthy relationship?

So I've been thinking about something a counselor told me after I explained my relationships to her. She said this was fear of abandonment because it's a pattern

It's the same cycle every time. I met someone, I try and stay detached, but I inevitably get attached and I get scared and end it. Done it with every romantic relationship I've been in and most friendships. Sometimes it's ghosting them, sometimes it's pushing them away by putting myself in a crisis situation or just plain old becoming a mess of a person and scaring them off, sometimes it's just "I can't do this anymore."

But I didn't want to leave because I didn't want to be alone. In the hospital I discussed some of this in group and a bunch of people gave me their number so I could talk to them and block his number, but I still make decisions with his validation in mind. For example, I don't listen to music he wouldn't approve of. I'm studying music theory in case we ever meet again (he's a musician and would always talk in jargon I couldn't understand). I unblocked his number hoping he'd send me a text out of the blue some day. Maybe once I get over the embarrassment of my attempt I'll text him. Idk.

It was similar in my relationship before that. She had BPD and was very clingy. At first I loved this, but then she got hardcore into drugs and I felt I was losing her so I started using with her. I don't ever remember being separated from her during our relationship. I even skipped Thanksgiving and Christmas with my family to be with her. One day I woke up and decided I hated her and kicked her out of my life (for the better as it turned out). After a couple weeks without her, I was still using and I really missed having a "drinking buddy." I got suicidal again and thought about jumping off of the tower I worked on at the time every time I had to go up there.


Another I absolutely hated him, but he was lonely and I was lonely so I got drunk and slept with him frequently. I decided to give him a chance, went on a hike with him, got obsessed, then he went NC with me out of the blue and I spiraled. Saw him in town once, he implied I was fat, and I went back to feeling rage every time I think about him.


TL/DR: Chaotic relationships. Help.
Idk. Thoughts? Advice? Should I just stay alone for the rest of my life?

Wow. I just get my drama from BritBox. But then I'm old.

Discipline is a gift, not a restriction. It tells you that you are allowed to for example eat a nice breakfast every morning, that you are not too much trouble, that you dont have to pretend to not be hungry or to be sick or too holy to eat. That you are allowed to exist.

I am trying to believe for myself, that i am allowed to live in a place where the floor is NOT lava. Then maybe i could have a visitor. Or at least not want to become unalive if the apartment maintenance guy knocks on my door. Or the door next door, and it just SOUNDS like MY door and ruins (anxietates - thats a word, isnt it?) my whole day.

Yeah. I think I just have this chaotic energy that attracts more chaos and I need to learn how to quell that first.

I hope you can overcome your anxieties surrounding the noises. Keep reminding yourself you're safe and strong.

You remind me of myself.
And my self loathing.
Liking yourself is a good place to start since we are stuck in this body we may as well try to ease some of the pain attached to it. It's not easy to do. All you can do is try to challenge each negative thought or belief.

Take the energy you have for finding a relationship and start having one with yourself.

That's my advice FWIW
Hope you have some peace today

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The approach avoidance repetition compulsion stems from attachment issues and is a very strong force behind the rocky interpersonal relationships issue. I learned a lot about it due to my own issues. My therapists/doctors didn’t tell me about it. I watched a million videos. I feel it is crucial to understand the science behind what happens in behavior as a foundation to learning to stop dysfunctional patterns.

Then, I agree, you need to work on learning healthy relationship behaviors before moving on into new situations. It is a tough road and I send you support and strength.

I had a therapist who explained it as attraction to familiar. Because that’s all you know, your body responds by sending all kind of chemicals to your brain. Then you get all excited. I bet you meet decent non chaotic person and you’d find them boring and not exciting. Then you just go through the same cycle. It’s hard to break it, but it helps to be aware. You meet a person. Ask yourself do they drink, do drugs, party every day, sleep around? If yes you shouldn’t proceed no matter how excited you feel. Is it easy? No. The excitement of chaos is strong.

You can’t have healthy relationships with unhealthy dysfunctional partners. The first step is to avoid such partners.

The Crappy Childhood Fairy on YouTube talks about this. It's what divine1966 said. Healthy relationships feel boring to someone who's accustomed to drama. She says a good relationship should feel slow and boring in the beginning, but they aren't actually boring, they're normal and just feel boring to someone who's used to things feeling dramatic and exciting and chaotic.

Totally agree with the sentiment of taking a break from relationships and doing some work on yourself. Get to know and love yourself for a while. Once you love and respect that person, you'll be a little pickier about what you let yourself be put through.

Might this pattern indicate the presence of a borderline personality disorder, even if you have not self-harmed?

Have you ever had a healthy relationship? Did your parents have a healthy relationship that you could learn what a healthy relationship actually was like personally?

My parents had a dysfunctional marriage. I never really learned what a functional relationship was like but always felt there was more to it than I was experiencing. Ended up getting married tova dysfunctional guy then add my learned dysfunction to that & my marriage was as dysfunctional in its own way as my parents were. All my career relationships were at surface level & avoided close friendships.

It wasn't till after my parents died & I left my dysfunctional marriage & got good therapy & experienced being around healthy people who knew how to have healthy relationships that I learned how. I live alone with my critters but have finally had closer healthy friendship relationships. Not interested in any relationships other than that at this point in my life but it is nice to have real friends now......while enjoying my life alone too.

Bottom line.....you have to know what & how to have a healthy relationship is before you can have one & that takes work & practice before it becomes a natural part of our being