Standing Up for Yourself (Rant)

Sometimes "standing up for yourself" is SIMPLY WALKING AWAY AND REFUSING TO ENGAGE WITH OVERLY AGGRESSIVE, HOSTILE, DISRESPECTFUL INDIVIDUALS.

Having that "perfect comback", using the "perfect phrase" to shut someone up, having confident posture and eye contact, embarrassing them in public, blah blah is great and all, but doesn't ALWAYS WORK. Sometimes a person will go back and forth with you just BECAUSE you DARED stand up for yourself. They will argue and continuously disrespect you in the process because you spoke up.
(Or maybe even gaslight you. "You're over reacting/why are you so angry?/You're so defensive". Sound familiar?) It's ALL MADNESS. It's INSANE.

In this situation, that typical advice from the magical communication gurus helps NOTHING. There is NOTHING you can say to people like THAT to make them shut up and understand you won't stand for how they treat you. They will do it over and over, getting MORE AGGRESSIVE and DISRESPECTFUL no matter HOW you CONFRONT them.

You CAN stand up for yourself by saying NOTHING. By not engaging with their foolishness. You don't have to play these games!! Don't think for a second remaining silent and walking away makes you "weak" or a "target". It shows you know what IS AND ISN'T WORTH YOUR ENERGY. It gives you POWER over the situation. You disengaging means you've WON and gotten a valuable prize - your RETAINED SANITY.

Never regret walking away!! Save your energy! Not everyone suddenly respects you after you verbally stand up for yourself. There will always be people who won't respect you NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY TO THEM.

Sometimes you NEED TO REMAIN SILENT AND WALK AWAY to show how much RESPECT you have for YOURSELF, your time, and how you won't tolerate being treated like crap!

And trust me, walking away from them like they're pointless speaks WAY LOUDER than arguing for respect. Before you know it, they’ll be avoiding YOU not only because you're not giving them fuel, but because you're making THEM feel what they keep trying to make everyone around them feel - like NOTHING.

Just thoughts I had to get out - I'm so fed up right now.

I can definitely relate to this— much as I’d really like to slam someone with a nasty comeback when they hurt or attack me, sometimes you have to pick your battles. Save your energy for the ones that really count.

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Words only have the value and meaning you provide to them whenever they're delivered. If someone is being hostile or otherwise in appropriate, its always best to let those words glide off your shoulder and move on to better things. I wouldn't spend five seconds giving what they said any additional attention. When the garbage gets full, take out the trash.

Great post. I admit, I am quick to engage at times but I have become far more selective when I question myself if I really want to pursue this.

I can be a first-rate hothead if my safety or quality of life are at stake. Those are situations where you HAVE to react. But other things (who gets to take credit at work, who's gonna cut in front of me in traffic, the cashier has an attitude, family member this-or-that, etc.) are just too petty. Life is too short to be the morality police. If people need to argue and "win" for their own security, let 'em. The may have the "victory", but I have my dignity which is far more important.

I have been around long enough to know that some people simply get out of bed looking to argue with someone. They like to be "right" or "show people up". That speaks more to their lack of character than anything. At that point I don't engage with them, I feel sorry for them.

A perfect example is a few years ago I worked with this guy and we, shall we say, differed in our political views. I used to entertain his conversations until they just got embarrassing and he would get loud and embarrass everyone in our aisle. He'd always masked it with "Oh, I'm just playin!'" After getting tired of it and not caring if I offended him, next time he started I just said, "Whatever, man." I was too exhausted to deal with this bonehead. He finally transferred to another team and I guess he's still pulling the same stuff there as well.

There's a guy on YouTube who does communications skills (Dan O'Connor) and he says simply standing up and walking out is a powerful answer. I agree. I just finished a Stoicism class in anger management and in stoicism there isn't really such a thing as "justifiable anger" - anger is a negative emotion and needs to be processed rather than expressed. You're supposed to pause, process (for a day or two if needed), then respond (as opposed to react) when you are calm. Processing can include spending time with nature, or writing things out.


To me, standing up for oneself means being assertive, not aggressive, and it's too easy to fall into the latter if you are angry.

I just finished a course in Stoicism, a philosophy that has helped me a lot. It helps in dealing with people and managing my own life. If interested check out Ryan Holiday - on Youtube or he has published several books about Stoicism. I have no affiliation or connection with either Dan O'Connor or Ryan Holiday.

I have found out for myself that I will stand up for myself then walk out. Usually it has been a build up over time & I have thought through the situation in my head before getting to the point of having enough. By that point I say my final peace then end it permanently by walking out permanently or ending communication. I only remember 4 times in my 70 years where this has been necessary but it has worked each time & by that point they don't get another chance. I will be civil to them if encountered again BUT they will never be allowed back in my inner circle

Paulo Coelho

This insight is so true! There will always be people who won't respect me, no matter what I say or don't say to them. I've already posted about two experiences where both former friends disrespected me despite me treating them each with respect. Shows me that they were not interested in a real friendship with me at all.

I love the Stoics. That and Buddhist philosophy are what I tend to rely on for guidance in my life.

Perseverance: 7 Stoic Lessons on How To Keep Going

I agree that arguing with someone who is intent on triggering you into anger is useless , worthless , and can be dangerous.
I also try and live by Stoicism. Walking away though brings up a couple of issues for me. So if I can't verbally communicate with another person using regular language and tone then how will I ever be able to get my point across ? Also I need to get rid of that built up energy in me somehow. Can't just stuff it. The main thing to me is this ..... if I'm at the point where I have to CONSTANTLY walk away from this SO then I may start thinking of taking a very long walk out of the relationship.
Communication is everything. Lose that , and you have nothing.

Quote:

Originally Posted by moodyblue83 I agree that arguing with someone who is intent on triggering you into anger is useless , worthless , and can be dangerous. I also try and live by Stoicism. Walking away though brings up a couple of issues for me. So if I can't verbally communicate with another person using regular language and tone then how will I ever be able to get my point across ? Also I need to get rid of that built up energy in me somehow. Can't just stuff it. The main thing to me is this ..... if I'm at the point where I have to CONSTANTLY walk away from this SO then I may start thinking of taking a very long walk out of the relationship. Communication is everything. Lose that , and you have nothing.

VERY TRUE. I never just walk out before I express myself....walk out if it turns into an agrument or realize the other person always needs to have the last say