What did I do wrong?

My previous post about that FB friend who invited me to visit her only to dismiss me and fight with her mom on her cellphone instead, is 1 of 2 failed vacations this summer for me.

The second situation centers around another FB friend. We also never met and spoke on the phone a lot this past spring (she is a licensed therapist too) not as patient-therapist but as friends (we both belong to the same FB group).

She invited me to visit her this summer and before I lost my summer contract job, I gave her dates I planned to visit. Then, I lost my summer contract job and let her know I couldn't come after all.

She got really mad at me and complained that my canceling disrupted her and her husband's lives, since she claimed they set aside time to spend with me (her husband works a retail job and she sets her own hours with her clients in her home office).

The conversation took place via text since she wouldn't take my phone calls (which I thought was immature for a licensed therapist). I tried to reschedule the visit and she said she didn't know if that was a possibility with me.

Then, today on FB one of her married couple friends posted how excited they were to come visit her "for realsies" (which made me think she vented to them about me backing out of coming to visit her). I thought that was not a coincidence that they posted that reference. I also thought, if it IS tied to my needing to cancel for financial reasons, her response was really mean. Being disappointed is normal. I get it. But to gossip about me to her other friends? I think that is disrespectful and shows me that I'm glad my trip to visit her didn't pan out after all.

I haven't texted or called my friend to tell her that I saw her married FB friend's comments (that referenced me indirectly via the "we're coming for realsies"). I'm tempted to confront my friend for gossiping about me, but past experience has shown me that doesn't accomplish anything. She chose to act this way because I think at the end of the day, she must not really like or respect me to want a real friendship. Had I a spouse or full-time job income to pay the roundtrip airfare/hotel/rental car for myself, I would. But I don't right now.

When I had initially told her I was coming, she flooded my texts with links to all kinds of tourist activities with the caveat that she wouldn't be joining me. She even said she planned to take me out to celebrate graduating from my grad school program.

I texted back, "I'm not really able to afford to do those activities and had just planned to visit with you guys." I also let her know that I can't eat seafood and needed to know restaurants that had other menu options.

She kept changing her tone and her availability with me via text message prior to me losing my contract role that would have lasted through June, thus giving me the money that I needed for airfare and hotel and possibly a rental.

Now, if I call her, my call goes straight to voicemail. If I text her, she ignores my texts.

Why do some adult friendships work out this way? I don't know what I did wrong in this scenario? I planned to come visit her letting her know the dates. Then when the client canceled my contract job for the month of June, I let my friend know that I couldn't afford it. She knows that I am not full-time employed and was a grad student working part-time contract work too. So, you'd think she would be sympathetic instead of mean and gossip about me behind my back to her other FB friends (a married couple whose son goes to college in my FB friend's city. so they visit my FB friend and her husband every summer).

Add to the fact, that if I had a spouse or a full-time job, I'd have more stable income and the savings to reliably book a trip. This my FB friend knows too.

I don't understand why she couldn't just tell me she was disappointed and upset that my trip plans didn't work out and that hopefully we could meetup in the future. She has a license in counseling for pete sake, and is trained to talk to people. Yet, she can't be bothered to respect me enough to see the bigger picture.

There is a 3rd FB trip possibility this fall that I'm hesitant about. She has been mutual friends with the FB friend for years and I don't know if the two of them ever met in person, because we never discussed it. So, this 3rd FB friend is hosting a weekend thing and hasn't set a date yet.

I responded to her FB post that I would love to go. So, I am aware that my other FB friend probably saw that and fumed about my canceling my trip to visit her, due to financial reasons. So, I take responsibility for that. But I had also let her know that I could afford to visit her this fall or this winter on my birthday because by then I'll have the income.

Even if I had private messaged the 3rd FB friend about her weekend soiree tentative plans, I can only assume she would share that info with our mutual FB friend whom she's known for years. So, either way, my response that I was interested, may not have sat well with the FB friend #2 who I had to cancel on when I lost the summer contract job, that I had planned to use the income from for my trip expenses to visit her for a week.

It makes me not want to put the effort in anymore with trying to make adult friendships. Can anyone relate or offer any feedback? Thanks.

Since I have never had much luck on FB, I don't have much faith in it or in the people I meet there. No disrespect intended to others, but my string of bad luck has kind of soured me to that social interaction site. I am most sorry that people have been treating you unkindly and cruelly. I am also saddened to hear that sort of thing. Hopefully other members here, people with experience on FB will see your post and come up with some good and helpful ideas for you. I am so sorry that happened to you!

Your friend evidently doubted your reason for not coming over the summer. It sounds like she has now gone into full-blown rude overreaction. I'm sorry that she treated you this way. It isn't the first time that a therapist is awful in their personal life!

Thanks Yaowen. I need to check out local Meetup groups in my city, I think. I will have better luck meeting people in person for potential friendships. My luck with FB friendships has been awful. It's like someone said in my other thread, you don't really know someone until you meet and hang out with them in person. I already learned that lesson when I went to visit former FB friend #1 that was so traumatic I had to post about it, to help me process the experience.

FB friend #2 and FB friend #3 know each other and I'm the outsider. If FB friend #2 is going to alienate me because I had to postpone a trip to visit her due to financial reasons out of my control, then she's not really the kind of friend I need.

Bill...her husband is a certified life coach who has to work a retail job because he's not making money with coaching clients. And that's my problem because...? She and her husband chose to move to FL (which everyone knows is one of the most expensive states to live in, despite the tax breaks)

I feel like she was projecting her own financial straits on to my planned trip. Like, her taking days off to see clients and her husband asking for days off work so they could hang out with me is a nice gesture, sure.

Yes, I set myself up for her judgment by responding to our mutual FB #3 friend's tentative soiree weekend post (no date set yet) that I'd love to go. Flakey of me? Definitely. Insensitive to her feelings? Probably. STILL...I wasn't expecting such a rude response from her. I expected (again, my fault for assuming people who are my 'friend' will respond like I would in situations, which is naive and gets me in trouble) her to respond with more sympathy. Something like, "Sorry to hear! I hope you can reschedule your trip. We'll have so much fun when you can finally visit." That's what I would have responded with. So, I guess I need to stop setting myself to expect other people to respond like I would.

I feel like her sudden need to distance herself from me is super rude, and definitely a full-blown overreaction from her considering she hosts a constant stream of married couple friends that she posts every week on her FB photos of her and her friends lounging on their pontoon and doing touristy things. She and her husband literally hosts friends at their place multiple times a month.

I mean, life happens. Why does that have to mean I'm a terrible friend because my finances fell through due to the loss of a summer contract job? She knows I'll have more income this fall. She texted, "It's just business" when I texted her to check in how she was doing after I told her I had to postpone my trip to FL.

I was like, "what does business mean," and she said it meant that my postponing my trip inconvenienced them so it's my fault that they are inconvenienced. That seems self righteous to me considering she texted me links to touristy things she told me I could do, but alone, since she'd be working with clients. So how would she be inconvenienced if she wasn't joining me on those activities? Feels manipulative to me. And from someone who counsels people for a living. What the hell is that?

People tell a lot about themselves by how they react to different challenges. From what you share this woman is very entitled and can get overly outraged if things don’t go her way.

You did the best you could, however it might be better not to plan anything until you have the money saved. Sometimes jobs fall through.

That's a good point. Her reaction just doesn't make sense. It really doesn't.

My car got broken into last night and I posted about it today on Facebook. Only two people even responded. Not the friend in Florida so glad that trip never happened now. Shows me her true colors.

Oh how awful that your car was broken into. There has been a lot of break in’s in several towns around me in my state. In broad daylight no less.

If you shared on Facebook do these people see it or do they have to look at your page? I have never used Facebook where I list things about myself etc. I heard so many negatives about it and I prefer to be private. I know that people tend to assume when they post about themselves everyone knows. I don’t because I don’t interact on facebook.

Oh, the friend in Florida is on Facebook every day because of her counseling center. She has a counseling center page that she posts daily memes on so she’s on Facebook every day.

Thank you for your concern too. I understand about you not posting on Facebook personal information. That’s very smart. I post about I my life events even if the social interactions only through Facebook, since it’s more than I get off-line.

I would never have received condolences for my mothers death if I hadn’t post about it on Facebook.

I just came across this blog about the 3 kinds of friendships according to Greek philosopher Aristotle, as interpreted by an academic.

-utility based
-pleasure based
-character based

The crux of the article's message is that friendship buffers us from loneliness, and when we aren't clear with each other about our mutual roles, then that is where conflict happens. I think this is why I continue to have difficulties with friends - I don't clarify which of the 3 based types of friendship I'm in with this other person (either clarify to myself or with the other person, so that I am clear).

The Great Conversation: Aristotle on Friendship - Associate's Mind

The former friend was a utility based friend (writing being the connection). The FL friend (I assumed and was incorrect as it now turns out based on her reaction to my postponed trip), is also utility based, whereas I thought our friendship was character based. I think moving forward, I will try to place people in each of these 3 categories so that I stop being disappointed, and keep my expectations low to avoid being taken advantage of or hurt emotionally. Easier said than done. But awareness/hindsight has to count for something. Or maybe I just am not built for friendships. Who knows.

I am very sorry your car was broken into!

Your post about it on Facebook may not have been shown to your FB contacts. Just because you posted does not mean that the FB algorithm showed it widely. This is especially true of a post that is negative, such as yours.

Thanks. I am exhausted from spending 90 minutes outside to sweep and vacuum up the shattered pieces of glass. I found a working outlet on the outside of my apt bldg in the shared driveway with the apt bldg next door.

I plan to drive to AutoZone in the morning to buy plastic film designed for temporary window replacement since my glass can't be replaced until Friday.
Of course, I went to check on my car a few minutes ago and not a peep outside.

I didn't realize Facebook had algorithms. I assumed everyone can see my posts who is connected to my FB profile. I do know that when I don't empty my cache, my posts disappear from my newsfeed. Proof that FB is far from a perfect social network site. I don't like TikTok or Instagram. So I'll never use those two platforms. I don't use any other platforms that exist either. I'm a dinosaur that stays on FB.

I’ve never had an experience like this. The whole set up sounds off to me.

These were two instances where you met on social media and both women invited you to visit them (and their husbands), to be their house guest. You went/were going to go through great effort and expense to go to see them as a destination. There was nothing specific planned as an activity to do once you got there.

I know this is old fashioned but, a woman with a male partner (husband, bf) usually doesn’t invite a single woman to join them. I have known swingers who do. I have had brief times where I have been with a gf and her husband, where we just happened to be together and grabbed some lunch in a restaurant. I have invited a single gf to visit and have a meal with me and my husband. But, not an invitation to stay for more than one day.

The first woman seemed to act like she was doing you a favor, letting you stay at her house while she went about her day fighting with her mother on the phone. The second woman made it clear she would not be spending time with you, but then was put off at your canceling because she and her husband had rearranged their schedules to spend time with you. This doesn’t make sense at all.

Since you asked what you did wrong, I’d say there was not good communication. The plans were confusing. It’s good that you want to form friendships, and you went through a lot of effort and expense to try to nurture them. But these women live far away and their invitation was iffy.

Also, they were awful people due to how they became mean and angry. They were really rude. None of that was your fault at all.

I don't feel you did anything wrong. I think the problem is THEM. They sound immature, more like teens than adults. People suck, and it wasn't until I viewed threads on this forum that I found out it's not just me. And I didn't know about "transactional" or "utility" so-called friendships until I read it on here.

I struggle with the same problem, thinking now that if I categorize people in my head, it will spare me SOME disappointment. I won't tell them because people can't or won't handle honest communication, even though it will benefit us both.

The word "friend" is way too trite and overused, online and in real life. And a "friend" means different things to different people, and there's the level of friendship such as distant or close. I've had people send me "friend" requests on Goodreads for example, then they don't respond if I send a message about a book we both read. Then what's the point of the request? To collect "friends"? For their ego and to look good to other members?

Transactional friends are acquaintances to me, not friends.

Thanks for the article on the types or categories of friends.

In light of how flighty and unreliable people are, I'm hesitant to call anyone a "friend" until I've built up the trust in them that they are sincere. That takes time, and people can fool you too. There's nothing like a crisis to see who your real "friends" are. That old saying about through thick and thin is true, in my opinion. Fair weather friends are easy to find and make, but once things go down the tubes they abandon you. They aren't friends. Then when THEY have crap going on, they expect YOU to be there.

I've had real friends in the past but it's getting harder as I get older, to make them. And keep them. Sometimes I wonder if I'm made for friendships or not too.

I'm sorry your car was broken into!

I use FB too AND there are some things I think are really stupid about it, the lack if likes, social comparison, and the sometimes lack of responses can be genuinely hurtful.

I try to take breaks from there sometimes and I curate what and who I follow.

Sending hugs about the hurtful (non)friendship experience.

I am sorry about the car. It’s horrid. So disturbing.

I don’t think it’s unusual for people to stay in houses of their married friends when visit from out of town. People do it all the time and no they aren’t swingers. Lol

But these are actual people everyone knows well, like long term friends etc it’s not uncommon. Now inviting strangers to stay with you and your husband, that’s unusual. My husband is probably the easiest going person I know. He’s ok with everything. But he’d be taken aback if I told him I’ve met this person online and she will be staying in our house. He’d likely worry if it’s safe as neither of us met this person

The fact that all these people were ok with it is kind of strange. It seems like first woman’s husband wasn’t possibly ok with it as he wasn’t even there but was somewhere with a roommate? And both women didn’t even plan on hanging out with you. It sounds like perhaps they were just doing small talk “come visit me” and weren’t really planning for it in real sense especially since they didn’t plan any activities. And one didn’t even have food at home-or dishes or electricity or planned on offering you a meal?

You did nothing wrong except perhaps being too trusting. These women were rude and mean and I think you are lucky it did not end with violence. Sadly that could end much worse than it did.

None of it means you can’t meet up with strangers. You can: . In the middle of the day in a local area in a busy public place like having lunch at the mall. Or walk in a busy open (not wooded) park. Or in a large group. Eventually of course it would be just fine to go to each other houses but not before you know each other well enough.

I stay on FB, too.

Not only does FB (and other social networks) use sophisticated algorithms, but also your friends (and you!) have options with respect to your feed. You can be friends with someone but unfollow them. This means that you remain friends but their posts do not show up in your feed. Given that you are not a frequent poster, it is unlikely that any of your friends have intentionally unfollowed you while remaining friends, but it is a possibility.