My wife gave me an ultimatum while I was attending grandma's funeral

This will be a long one, buckle up.

I am seriously considering divorcing my wife of 7 years. This has been coming for a long while, but this weekend she really hurt me and I just feel like our marriage is at its breaking point.

We both have children from previous marriages. Hers are grown and out of the house. Mine live with their mother in another state. I have a wonderful relationship with both her and I kids. I treat hers as if they are my own. We had some pretty major issues with her youngest boy (now 19). Long story short, he had a scholarship and started college for dental, didn't like that, switch majors to music, then just quit school without telling us, lost his scholarship, then made plans to move out and start doing porn with some random person he met on the internet. Needless to say, that was a challenge for both my wife and I. I don't put this out there to air dirty laundry, but to show that during this time I was there to help guide him and prevent all of this from happening. It took some mega parenting, but he's now in the military, has a second chance at college if he chooses to do so when he's older and knows what he'd like to study, and he's most importantly, he is safe. He knows I love him, I've spoken to him many times when he was feeling down and he opened up to me about things. In fact, as his boot camp graduation, he told me he loved me for the first time. I think I did pretty alright overall. Anyway...

I also have an amazing relationship with my biological sons. They are growing into such thoughtful and sweet men, I really could not ask for anything more. They are very loving children. For example, they ask for hugs JUST BECAUSE. I can be sitting on the couch, and I hear "Dad, can I have a hug?" All three of them do this! And one is in his late teens! I only get to see them once a year during their summer vacations because I live so far away. Last year it was only for a week because my wife and I were in the process of moving and there was no place for them to stay, so needless to say I was extremely excited when we'd planned for over an entire month of them visiting this year! Sadly, during the 2nd week of their visit this year my grandmother fell and broke her hip. She passed away last week due to complications from the fall. I was obviously heartbroken, and I was mad and torn because while I know it was nobody's fault...I wanted more time with my children. But I had to be there for my Dad. So I sat the boys down, told them what had happened, and explained we'd be driving back to their home state (600 miles away) for grandma's viewing and funeral. I thought to make this up, I'd ask their mother if I could have them for Christmas this year. So, we packed, and we drove.

Now the day before we had decided to go to Top Golf. There were 3 adults (my adult step-daughter was also with us visiting) and 3 grown to almost adult-sized kids going. My wife wanted us to all go in one vehicle. Personally, I thought it was a dumb idea. We had the cars to take 2, it wasn't far, and it'd be more comfortable for everyone. My oldest mentioned it was silly because we had two cars. Here's where I personally messed up. I said out loud it was stupid. This obviously and rightfully so upset my wife. She starts texting me how I should have backed her up and how I'm the adult and should used that moment to teach my kids how to use a filter when speaking. She was 110% right, and I apologized to her in a text while we were all playing Top Golf. Later, she said she was upset because I texted the apology. Not wanting trouble before I left, and knowing her feelings were valid, I brought it up the morning we were leaving for my grandmothers funeral. I talked to the boys in front of her, and apologized. Then I told her I love her and I'd miss her, kissed her, and we left.

We get to where we are going. I have a beard and had packed a manscaped trimmer in the event I might want to trim up for the funeral. The first thing she texts his "I saw you took your trimmer, why?" Insinuating that I took it in order to trim my balls and cheat on her. I told her not to worry, I'd taken the trimmer in order to trim my beard for the service. I was annoyed she'd think this, as I've never cheated on her once. I love this woman with all of my heart, I tell her how beautiful she is and how much I love her DAILY. She knows how I feel about her. But she has major trust issues.

The morning of the viewing, I text my ex wife asking if the boys have any nice clothes at home she could bring them for the funeral. She responds they do not and I'd have to purchase some for them. Now, when I speak to my ex-wife, it has to be via a group text that my wife is a part of. Naturally, my wife was livid and goes into a tangent about how my ex should get them nice clothes with the child support she gets from me, etc etc. Look I agree, but it's the day of my grandma's viewing, I don't want to argue. Then my wife texts "Thrift store it is or send them home". She's talking about my kids. I'm so angry and hurt, but I ask if I can just go to wal-mart and get them some clothes. They aren't that expensive, they just need khakis and a polo shirt. I finally get the word that I can get clothes at walmart. The day before, my wife had complained that all my kids said was "okay" the day I left and I had spoken to them about the truck incident. I spoke to my kids in the wal mart parking lot one more time, and we called and all of us apologized again. Personally at this point I was tired of it. My kids great grandma was being buried and I'm putting them through this at the same time. But I did it anyway.

So during the time I was there, I tried texting my wife all throughout the days telling her I love her and missed her, I called her on the phone to try and talk to her before we went to bed and to let her know she was on my mind. She was short, said she was busy and had things to do, and just hung up on me. But everyday, I woke up, said good morning to her, told her she was loved and to sleep well, asked how her days were going. I didn't want her to think she wasn't being thought of.

The day of the funeral, we don't have enough pole bearers. Let me back up real quick and say for some reason or other my wife has treated my oldest like dogshit for years and I've no idea why. She's always saying he's disrespectful and does whatever he wants. He's the quietest kid you've ever met. He's super nice, and he's very sensitive. I've never once heard him talk back or get an attitude towards an adult. Ever. Anyway, we don't have enough pole bearers and this boy takes the responsibility to carry his grandmother to her grave. No complaints, nothing. Just does it. That night, my wife texts and asks when I'm coming home because she is expecting my home Saturday. I drove out Weds, viewing on thursday, funeral on Friday, and she wants me back Saturday. I tell her I'd like to stay another day and drive back Sunday morning. She gets mad at me and says "Back then you would never leave me alone. How things have changed." I am at a loss for words. So I stay, and my father tells me I should take my boys to see their nana (my mother). I think it's a great idea because they've not seen her since I got divorced and I myself hadn't seen my mother in 2 years. So that's what we do. In casual conversation, my mom mentions she needs to get outside and mow the grass. My "disrespectful" son out of the blue says "I'll mow it for you, Nana" and proceeds to mow her entire yard for her, no questions, no expectations of payment...just does it out of the kindness of his heart. In fact, a week prior when he was at my house, he told ME he'd mow my yard. I said he didn't have to, and I'd take care of it. BUT HE OFFERED.

Now here's the kicker of the entire story. That thursday, this entire time everything is happening. The day of the viewing and day before the funeral. My wife writes me an email. The line that I'm just going to share here, the one that put me over the edge was "To be honest I wrote this to let you know I do not want him in my house ever again but knowing this is going to start issues I think it's best we just go our separate ways."

ARE. YOU. ****ING. KIDDING. ME?!

Remember, that was Thursday. Even after she wrote that and during this grieving process, I was texting her how much I love her, I was calling her, I was asking how her days were going.

I drove home yesterday. Just to see what would happen, I didn't text her that morning. She didn't send one text to me asking how I was, when I left, if I was doing okay on the drive. Nothing. I got home and I went to bed around 730pm. She got home from work about 7:45. She showered, and left the room to sleep in another room.

I woke up today and told her how she acted was vile and disgusting. I told her I love her more than anything in the world, but that she'd taken my grandmother's funeral and made it all about her. Not once did she ask how I was feeling. Not once did she offer any kind of condolences. Nothing. So, I gave her an ultimatum. Either she find a therapist, and make an appointment, and also allow my children back into my home, or I leave.

There are a few more details that go into this. You know, in our previous house my kids weren't allowed to eat or drink upstairs. Which is fair because it's carpeted. But her son was allowed to do so. When I pointed it out, I saw her talk to her son and they were laughing together about it. She speaks of me disrespecting her and not taking her side of things, yet she doesn't see her doing it to me. I don't want to turn this into a ***** fest, and it's already pages longer than I meant to type. I guess I just want to know other people's thoughts on all of this, and if my feelings are valid or did I do something wrong. Because I don't feel like I was in the wrong here, and I don't feel my kids should be treated as they have been.

Thanks for reading.

TLDR: My wife told me that my son is not welcome in our home while I was in another state grieving and burying my grandmother. She emailed me telling me to choose her or my child. I told her to go to therapy and allow my child back into our home or I'm filing for divorce.

I have hard time believing that she never behaved in that manner until now. You likely saw some other signs

Does she have any diagnosis? Not here to diagnose people but she sounds like a few people I unfortunately happened to know.

If your child is a minor, he belongs with his parents and she can’t say he’s not allowed in the house. Even if he was badly behaved, he belongs in your home. She on the other hand may need to start packing her stuff

Simply put, tell her you’re choosing your child and divorce her. She doesn’t like your children? Too bad. Your job is to have a home where your kids are welcome, it’s obviously not going to be with her.

If you take off the love glasses you should see many other times you’ve had to make excuses for the way she treated your kids or times she outright treated them as “less than” without a word from you.

This is important. You have chosen her up to now and she thinks you’ll choose her again. Don’t. Show your kids you have their back and pack her stuff for her. This cannot be fixed.

The frequency and tone of your phone calls/texts make me wonder if she is abusive toward you. It seems you are bending over backward to avoid making her angry. Please be safe.

I would be worried she is having shall we say unmotherly feelings towards the boy. She is telling you point-blank it is not good for them to be together. Dont put your boy in that situation. And yeah i would dump her. And get therapy for him just in case.

People who randomly accuse others of cheating (took a hair trimmer on a trip?) typically are cheaters themselves. She might be plotting her exit but doesn’t want to decide herself so she ultimately puts you in a position of ending it so she doesn’t have to.

I haven’t thought about that but you might be on to something. I know it sounds out there, but stranger things happen. Out of three of them she only doesn’t want one in the house and he’s not known to be rude or poorly behaved.

Yeah the hair trimmer struck me as odd too.

Do people only cheat if they trim their privates? And one would really bother trimming “down there” and looking for hook ups at grandmas funeral and with three kids in tow?

What’s this woman thinking… or plotting….

I hope this isnt just a shaggy ball story!

Why didn’t she go with you to the funeral? She sure didn’t support you in your grief.

She sounds very controlling. You have to ask her permission to shop for a necessity at wal mart.

Her having no trust in you about cheating, when you’ve given her no reason to is another big red flag.

She is playing the wicked step mother.

You keep telling her you love her so much while she is being very mean, cold, and controlling to you. This doesn’t sound right for you to be doing in a relationship. You are not making her be any nicer to you by vowing your love.

I’m sorry you are experiencing this. It doesn’t sound good in many ways, not good at all.

Omg

Good point. Why didn’t she go to a funeral?

Apologies for the lack of updates. Since my post she has apologized to me, has agreed to both let my son back into the home (he lives with his mother in another state, but was visiting for the summer), and has agreed to seek therapy. I have made myself a promise that if this ever happens again I will not stand for it. I was not going to let it go this time, unless of course she agreed to the above.

So far the last couple of days have gone smoothly. I hope we can maintain this positive change in the future.

I see a couple of you asked why she didn't go to the funeral. She's a healthcare worker for the government and was unable to get time off so suddenly. That and we have a dog and cat at home and we really don't know anyone (having only lived in this area about a year) that could watch the animals on such short notice.

I’m glad to hear there is positive communication and hope things work out well for you.

Government workers have sick time and there are places to board animals all over.

Yeahbut sometimes workplaces like to dictate who you can take funeral leave for. Mother-in-law may qualify, and your own grandmother, but grandmother-in-law might be a degree of separation too far.

In-laws typically qualify the same as your own family if you are married. And government employees certainly get bereavement days.

Having said that, healthcare is awful about days off. When my uncle died, my husband was told they don’t give bereavement days for wife’s uncle, not even to attend funerals. Dang. My husband had to take a sick day.

I’d have hard time if my spouse didn’t attend funeral of my close relative. I’ve never been to a funeral where spouse of a close relative wasn’t there to support the family. It would be a dealbreaker for me.

I'm late to the story but saw a lot of red flags in her behaviour. I hope things go okay as it sounds like you really love her.

Your son who mowed his Nana's lawn... he is wonderful. You are one lucky dad. Make sure he is warmly welcomed in your house from now on. I also want to suggest therapy for YOU, as indeed you seemed (in the not-so-distant past) to be bending over backwards for an unappreciative woman.