[stargazerlula]

I don’t usually do this, however, I don’t feel comfortable talking to my friends/family about what happened.
Me And my ex are no longer together, however, something happened in our relationship prior to it ending that is still playing on my mind and confusing me.
A week prior to what happened, me and my ex were arguing, and he started crying. This shocked me, as I had never seen much emotion from him, let alone see him cry. I comforted him and he said, “I’m scared you’re going to leave me”. I said, “I’m not going to leave you” and he said “Good”. He then instantly stopped crying and was all cheerful.
I do admit my behaviour can be unreasonable at times due to trust issues.
Fast forward a week later, my ex shows up at my flat unexpectedly. He worked nights and was due to work that night. He said he was pulling a sickie. This also shocked me as he has never done this. He even used to go to work ill.
Half an hour later I went to get in the shower as had been working that day and was sweaty. As I was in the shower, he walked in the door naked and gets in the shower with me. I told him to please get out. He knows I don’t like this due to previous trauma and has always respected this in the past. He ignores me and starts touching me. After about a minute he gets out and closes the bathroom door. I then continued showering.
When I came out, he smirks at me, gets up and takes my towel off and gently pulls me to the bedroom. We then had consensual sex.
After we stayed in bed and chatted and cuddled for about an hour. He then gets on top of me and starts tickling me hard.

Possible trigger:

He also knows I don’t like this due to trauma and is aware of this. I was wriggling and trying to push him off me and telling him to stop. This happened for roughly 10 minutes, with me telling him no and trying to get him off me. He then stops tickling me and very roughly opens my legs and pushes himself inside me. I said we’ve just had sex what are you doing, and said no. He just said “No” in a sarcastic voice and then starts tickling me again whilst still inside me. I said no again and get off me. He then said, “No to the tickling or sex”. I said the tickling (not sex).
He then puts his hand around my throat and pins my wrist down really hard with his other hand and says, “I love you ok”. He then starts having sex with me and I kept crying out as he was being really rough and it hurt, but didn’t say no.

After he gets off me and said, “You didn’t want that did you” I told him no I didn’t. He then said, “I could tell”. He then said “You know why I tickle you because I’m the man and I can.
The next day my wrist really hurt, and I told him, and he just said aww and kissed it.
This incident with my ex made me feel really strange and confused. Prior to this he showed no aggression toward me, both in and outside the bedroom. He is the quiet introverted type, and everyone really likes him. It’s like it came out of nowhere. We were together for a couple of years and didn’t live together, and after this incident we broke up about 3 months later due to trust issues on my part.
I am still struggling to wrap my head around it all and would really value anybody’s thoughts and opinions.
Thanks.

[TheGal]

Firstly, I am so sorry that this happened to you by someone you trusted. Also, I'm very sorry for the trauma you experienced previously. My heart goes out to you.

He maybe became aggressive towards you to hide his own shame in having cried in front of you. On the other hand, I also question whether he was trying to manipulate you by crying so you wouldn't break up with him. In other words, I wonder whether they were genuine tears...

My gut is saying don't trust this guy, and you were right to breakup with him.


How long ago exactly did you break up?

Have you gone no contact? Has he respected your wishes about not having contact?


It really rattles me that he transgressed your wishes and boundaries when you expressly said 'no', and he was aware of your previous trauma. That scares me, quite frankly, and I am concerned for your safety...


Is he a type of stalker?

Stay safe

[divine1966]

He is a violent dangerous person. Please never be alone with this person. Go full no contact. It doesn’t matter why he wasn’t violent before. What matters that he abused you that day. Be safe

[Rive.]

That is sexual abuse. You could report him even get a restraining order

[Tart Cherry Jam]

There is some possibility of Dissociative Identity Disorder it him. It is rare but it happens. Meaning, you encountered his alter on that day which did not behave at all like the usual him. Either way, you are clearly better off without him.

[Rose76]

He sounds insecure. It also sounds like he was attempting to reassure himself by ploughing through any boundaries you might have to see what he could get away with. In his mind, the more he could get away with, the more he felt reassured that you weren't going to leave him. Also, I think this roughness and aggressiveness was him subjecting you to some punishment as his retaliation for him feeling rejected at some level.

This guy's got "issues," and any woman who stays with him is probably going to deal with a bunch of unpleasant drama. I think you've done well to move on away from this relationship.

It can be rewarding to stand by someone who is earnestly trying to work out some issues. That's not where he's coming from. He was just venting his frustrations toward you, in what I would call hostile behavior. I would have been tempted to slug this guy. There's an angry part of him that wants to dominate and humiliate. Not my cup of tea. He's destined for problems in life. Chalk it up as a lesson learned. It does take time to know someone. How someone behaves when they are worked up is very revealing. You deserve better than what he put you through.

[Have Hope]

Yikes.... he crossed your boundaries in the shower and on the bed. He was aware of your trauma yet entered the shower regardless - boundary crossing. He sensed that you didn't want the sex, and knew you didn't want the tickling, yet he went ahead anyways. That's crossing boundaries in all sorts of ways and is domineering/controlling/borderline abusive behavior. He also put his hand over your throat, while telling you he loves you? That's male dominance... his words about being the man indicate that he wanted to dominate and intimidate you because he's "stronger" and can bend you to his will.

This man is scary to me. You were right to break up with him. Something is very wrong with this man and this whole picture. It likely would have become a lot worse with him over time, especially if you had moved in with him.

Do you have a therapist? I would talk this over with a professional. To me, it's like borderline date rape and abuse. I am very sorry this happened to you.