Thoughts on my life circumstances

I finally figured out why I attract losers it's because with my immature way of acting it makes sense that the sensible ones would be of putted by me. It's not so much the mental health issues but most men want a responsible woman that works and has her life together. Those sensible types would think I'm not reliable since I haven't held a job and would see the potential red flags. Also a sensible man even though I do have caring qualities would want someone more dignified and consistent. I don't behave my age and I think there's a part of me that acts younger than my age due to the fact I didn't have a childhood. So I think maybe subconsciously I'm behaving that way to be babied. Which is a very bad thing to admit but also this way of behaving isn't gonna get me far in terms of prospects. The fear is that I don't have the qualities to stay in a job. I see myself as a person with an impairment and I think that excuse makes me not try. When the fact yes I don't have a mental illness but no tests said I had an intellectual illness. So a part of it would be indeed my lack of will wanting to hold onto comfort.

Do you have a therapist? It may be beneficial to work these issues through with a professional. It sounds like you need to work on yourself before considering a relationship. Being an adult means being able to support oneself, being able to consistently work, and being self sufficient in one's life, without someone else needing to take care of you.

I do have a therapist and I told her I had a fear of independence and I didn't know why then I realised it was because I was enmeshed to my mother. I had to look it up but it makes sense.

My sister also told me she doesn't think I'm capable of working and that she'll need to take care of me when mum dies that made me so scared. That it's made my depression worse and made me more anxious. So I don't know what to do because I just feel useless my biggest fear is being made to live with my father because it won't take long for him to start slapping me in the face for not picking something up.

Well the way I see it you have a couple options. One is to get full and proper treatment for your depression, if you’re not already, and to make yourself work consistently…. Meaning making sure your depression doesn’t interfere with work. Or second option is to get a psychiatrist’s evaluation and to apply for disability if your depression is so great that you absolutely cannot work. If you go on disability, you may need to live with family, or get government housing, depending on where you live. I’ve dealt with depression all my life. With treatment, I’ve been able to consistently work full time. It does get challenging at times, but I do take days off as needed.

I'm getting treatment for it soon. I was referred to TMS and I get 3 treatments a week. I guess it's better then medication that doesn't work on me