Expecting Change

Over past few years, probably due to lockdowns, have re-evaluated relationships. Especially with my family. As you know, there's a long history of problems with my mother, so I'll start there first. Sorry, this could be long....

She has one so-called friend. Every time they talk, her mood changes. I've recently observed that she's sucking the life out of my mother emotionally. Despite saying she'll sever ties, I don't think my mother has the strength. Instead, she'll take every opportunity to tell anyone who will listen about how she's treated. Even if the timing isn't ideal. My niece's 18th birthday party just one such occasion.

Situation with my aunt (mother's sister) hasn't changed. Few issues here including aunt moving house. We went over for my mother's birthday last week, having lunch together at local pub (my cousin joined us). Even then an atmosphere, caused mostly by mother's attitude. When mother was talking to her after the event, my aunt had audacity to say that she'd picked most expensive item on menu. Totally untrue! Probably said because my cousin picked up the bill.

Despite her mental health problems last year, my cousin has returned to her usual bossy attitude. Thinks it's okay to dictate to others what they should be doing.

So, where do I fit in? Rather than take it up with people involved, my mother looks for a substitute and that's me. Have now learned to deflect by saying I will not get involved in her battles with other people. Thankfully, we have not had any rows lately, although she's still attempting to goad me! Know I shouldn't say this but think she's stopped eating properly to gain sympathy.

One point I've made to her is that I won't be dictated to by anyone in my family and will react. Although relationship with sister-in-law has improved lately, there's still underlying situation similar to that with my cousin. Not prepared to put up with being told what I should be doing to suit their ideals.

Think it's time for another meeting with my brother. He returns from holiday tomorrow. One thing I need to sort out is my birthday. After last year, I don't want to spend it with my mother or family. Unfortunately, it's on a Sunday so ideal for one of those dreaded family lunches (although food is good!). Know only I can change this and make it my day by choosing what I want to do.

Have not been so misguided to think that people will change. Mother certainly won't. It was nice while it lasted with cousin and sister-in-law, but am I disappointed, yes. Surprised, no!

My heart goes out to you as I am keenly aware of what it is like to be in the midst of constant family problems and drama.


I think you have gained a precious insight about people not changing. It takes a long time to realize this and some of us never do.

I used to see a psychiatrist about all the "stuff" going on in my family life and he asked me to try a little experiment to see if I could get some of peace of mind and joy of living back in my life in the midst of the chaos.

His little experiment went like this. Whenever I was upset about something, I was to say to myself mentally, this is not a big deal because. . . . . . and then list reasons.

I totally didn't get what he was trying to tell me. So he gave me some examples that helped a bit.

He said try thinking things like "This is not a big deal because I don't have the Ebola virus. This is not a big deal because I am not lost in a huge desert with no water. This is not a big deal because I am not trapped in a burning building with no way out.

This is not a big deal because I don't go to bed hungry each night because my family doesn't have enough food.

This is not a big deal because I am not five years old and diagnosed with an illness that will require me to have 40 or 50 surgeries and endless physical therapy.

To be honest, I felt totally offended and invalidated by his remarks at first, but I thought, what the heck, I'll give it a try.

To my utter surprise, it seemed to help me quite bit since the people in my life wouldn't change. It gave me a sense of empowerment and control over my life.

At another session with the same psychiatrist he told me something I will never forget.

He said: "Whatever you look at you can say 'could be better but isn't better." Then he said: "Whatever you look at you can just as easily say: 'could be worse but isn't worse, thank goodness'"

He said try practicing moving from the "could be better" to the "could be worse" way of looking at things and it might help you in your situation.

It is true: I could be better. My family members could be better. People could be better. Situations could be better. Things and events in the world could be better and they not better.

But this way of looking at things really destroys peace of mind and joy of living and replaces it with frustration, anger, aggravation, sadness, guilt, despair and so on. All of these tend to be unpleasant feelings and moods.

But it is also true: I could be worse but am not worse. I haven't done anything that has put me in prison. My relatives could be worse but are not worse. None of them are Adolf Hitler or guilty of serious genocide. The world could be worse but isn't worse thank goodness.

We have floods some places but not everywhere and not all once. Same of earthquakes, tornadoes, tsunamis and so on.

A plane crashed today but 10,000 didn't. A train derailed today but all the other thousands did not.

These two thing helped me enormously in the unending drama and conflict of my family life which if I wrote it out, no one would believe it.

My psychiatrist called this a paradigm shift. Not changing people or things but changing how one views them.

I am feeling better and better now even in the chaos.

But I see people still trapped in the "could be better" frame of mind.

Today a guy was going wild because he couldn't find the closest parking spot at the Walmart. Inside the Walmart, a lady was melting down because she couldn't find a shortest line at the checkout counter..

Coming home I saw people driving too fast and passing everyone in sight to save a few minutes time. And I thought: "wow, these are people stuck in the "could be better but isn't better" way of looking at things.

So now when I start to heat up and feel my stress and distress rise, I try to think: "Ok, tell yourself why this isn't such a big deal."

Or " things could be worse, but they are not worse, thank goodness.

I found a bonus in all this. The "things could be worse but are not worse, thank goodness" attitude seems to produce of whole different set of feelings and moods: appreciation, gratitude, feeling lucky and happy, peaceful.

Of course I have problems and if I can I try to solve them.

Since I am kind of a perfectionist, the "could be better but isn't better" way of looking at things is like my default setting. I was raised to be super sensitive for fault and flaws.

But what the psychiatrist told me seems to be helping me a lot. we'll see how to plays out long term. I can now cut stress and distress from 100 percent to 50 percent to 22 percent or lower. And it is a huge relief to me.

I am not saying this as advice to you. I am not in your shoes and would not trespass on the uniqueness of you or your situation.

What works for some people falls flat for others. But since this a site for sharing things that helped us personally, I thought I would share it.

I do hope you find ways to get relief from the stressors in your life.

Stress and distress are heavy burdens to bear and sometimes crushingly heavy.

I struggle to know what to say in posts here so I hope others here will have better words for you than my poor words. And I want to say again: My heart goes out to you!!!

Thanks Yaowen

You make some very valid points.

After a recent meeting with my brother, have taken his advice and adopted a different attitude. However, sometimes revert to "old ways".

I know I can't change other people's behaviour/traits but it's important to my sanity that I learn to deal with them differently. What frustrates me is I'm not a child anymore, so fully expect not to be treated like one!

Family can be tough. I keep mine at arms' length due to the stress they cause me. I sometimes wonder if I was adopted, I often feel very different from them.


As far as your birthday, it doesn't sound like you would enjoy the family lunch. If I were you, I'd make my own plans and be firm about it. If they complain, stick to your boundary, tell them it's not up for discussion. And, Happy Birthday!