I'm so mad at myself for this

I received an amazing job offer yesterday but had no one nearby me to celebrate with. And, the thought of my abusive narc ex husband came up, thinking that normally, we would have been celebrating my accomplishment. Then I got sad over the fact that we're not celebrating, and that I have no one to celebrate this with. Not a partner, I mean. And, I wanted one, very badly last night. So, I caved and weakened and contacted my ex by email. I told him the news, but also shared that I didn't expect a reply and that it doesn't change how I feel at all towards him.

I am so angry at myself for weakening. I know better. Whenever we've had contact, it only just destabilizes me and triggers me to the point where I feel seriously unsteady on my feet.

Perhaps that's why I told him I don't expect a reply? I didn't really want to instigate any more toxic communications back and forth. But I certainly opened that door again, risking the possibility of a reply and then back and forth communications.

I am upset with the fact that I miss him sometimes. The good parts of him. And he did show a good side, but I also know that it wasn't real. It was all a facade that he wears to make people THINK he's a good person. And he wants to believe this lie himself and does believe it.

But I've seen him be the absolute devil to me as well. The cruel words, him screaming at me and chasing me around the house while yelling at me, the mean jokes, the put downs and constant criticisms, the way he would tell me what to do and how to do it at all times, making me feel stupid and inept. All the control.. and holding me down in bed against my will. Cheating on me. This is not even the whole of it, but is the bad side.

I think I more so miss having SOMEONE to share my good news with, to celebrate with and to share my life with. That's what I truly miss, and not necessarily HIM when I really think hard on how he truly was when I was with him.

But why oh why did I have to cave and reach out to him? I am beating myself up over it and feel like crap as a result.

How do I forgive myself and regain my power?

We all make mistakes. Reaching to exes is not uncommon at all.

But that’s why you need at least a few good friends to share good news with. When you feel lonely it’s only common to seek comfort in connection to old partners. That’s why people go back to exes. Not because exes turned into princes but because when lonely, that’s where you thoughts go.

Your ex was in your life for a short time, it wasn’t like 40 years of sharing news and now you don’t have that. You’ve been an adult for 30 plus years and survived most of them without sharing news with him. That’s why you really need other outlets in life. Not necessarily a partner. People to talk to.

You can do it. Don’t beat yourself up.

Yes I slipped up. A mistake. At least I told him I don’t expect a reply. So in case he doesn’t reply, I don’t get blown off.

Sorry to hear that He sounds like someone you should avoid ar all costs! I would for sure! My husband is no saint, but omg, your ex is a monster!

Do you have any friends or family that you can talk to at all or coworkers even? What about online friends?

Try making friends so you won’t need to talk to him anymore. I bet that he didn’t even respond to you.

I have a narc dad. It’s always about them. Don’t expect a narc to change. They won’t.

He messed me up & so did my mom & my sister & my husband. Making friends is very hard, but if someone with social anxiety & depression like me can do it, than so can you.

Congrats on the promotion btw. Treat yourself to a nice dinner or cake.

I know... I tried multiple times with my ex and he never changed. Not for long at least. We even went to couples and individual therapy, and it did not help. He's still a monster. Once a monster, always a monster. He's like a wolf in sheep's clothing because he puts on this act of being such a nice guy. But I know it's all an act.

It IS always about them. My world had to center around my ex in every way. I was always waiting on him. Literally.

Sorry about your dad. My dad had some narcissism too. Not full blown NPD but he was on the spectrum. It messed me up too! I ended up with several narcissists in my life. ARGH!

We all want to feel connected, right? Don't beat yourself up, just learn from it.

Congrats on the job offer! I'll celebrate with you, even if it's not quite the same.

Thank you so much!!!!!

And yes, I suppose we all do want to feel connected.

Well, he hasn't written back. I forgot to mention: he blocked me on his cell phone for the first time too. First time ever, since we separated last October. Ouch.

In our last last email exchange two weeks ago on his birthday, I had confronted him with my perspective of him. I told him that he has all his friends fooled into thinking he's some kind of a great guy, but that I know the reality and real truth of him. I told him that he is the devil and a wolf in sheep's clothing. And that the nice guy routine is just a facade he puts on.

His response to that? You've got me all wrong, and I disagree with you, he said. He claims he had "mental issues" that caused him to behave certain ways. Uh huh. Mental issues? How about a personality disorder and how about the fact that you are just outright abusive???

So, of course, he gaslights me all over again. This is why I cannot communicate with him. He tries to dismantle my reality and perspective. He tells me I'm wrong. Of course, how I experienced him for nearly five years doesn't have any merit or weight, in his perspective. My reality is not correct, according to him. And that is gaslighting, which is an abuse tactic.

I have got to find a way to stop myself from wanting to reach out to him ever again, even in my loneliest and most painful moments.

I do have a few close girlfriends I can call. And I have my mom I can talk to in these moments.

I think I've forgiven myself for reaching out to him again at this point, a day later. I've beaten myself up about it enough. A couple of girlfriends told me that it's reasonable that I would want to let him know that I am OK now that I finally have a job. He has told me several times that he has been praying to God for me to find a job and be employed again. He knows how stressed I've been over being able to make ends meet, let alone, being able to stay in my home. Though I bet that's a lie too. I bet he never ACTUALLY prayed for me... he is only truly concerned with himself, after all, and no one else. He loves only himself, as a true narcissist does.

I think if I just keep him blocked and don't reply to any other messages that come from him down the road, I should be OK. That is, IF he decides to try and reach out to me again. He may not. He did block me, finally, so perhaps this is a message that he is now done. Or it's simply retaliatory because I confronted him with the TRUTH. Narcissists seek revenge when you stand up to them and confront them with who they really are.

The fact that he cannot congratulate me says it all. Not like I need additional proof of what an absolute shii*thead he is, but it says a lot and is very telling.

And, he thinks he's got power over me by retaliating and not writing back. Like I am going to chase him down, pursue him and beg him to reply.. lol. Nuh uh. No way. I shrug that off. He's playing power games, I know this for certain because this is what he has done in the past. Whenever I've stood my ground and have confronted him, he gives me the sulking silent treatment. So, he's doing this now to me. I am not gonna feed into his toxic games. Little does he know that I am almost laughing over it. It's pitiful behavior.

Sorry to hear that. You’re better off without him. Sorry to hear about your dad & everyone else too. Do you have anyone else you could talk to? What about your coworkers?

I recently went almost no contact & grey rock with my abusive family. Now it’s down to the dreaded obligatory Christmas dinner in public for an hour. I should’ve dine that years ago.

I do have good friends. I’m not working yet. And thank you. My main issue is my abusive ex husband. Then some toxic peeps I’ve run up against. I’m sorry about your own toxic family situation. It’s really tough! Hang in there.

That’s good. Why did you contact him? Please don’t contact him again. It sounds like he doesn’t care about you at all, sorry.

Thanks btw.

That's not a very nice thing to say, nor is it accurate. He's been trying to get back together with me for the last nine months. He sure does care... he didn't want this divorce whatsoever.

Sorry, that wasn’t my intent to upset you. I was basing things off what was said like he’s a narcissist & a monster, etc.

I misunderstood things I guess. I did not see your other thread until now. I had no idea what was going on until now. All I was basing my response on was this thread only.

That’s true but you also said very recently that he only loves himself and is only concerned with himself. It’s only expected to deduct from that that he doesn’t care. Like just isn’t a caring person.

I think when you describe your ex and his treatment of you in extremely negative terms (and rightly so), but then say he cares, it’s confusing. He did so many awful things like got so nasty over money issue, wanted to expose you for blackmailing or what not. Spoke horribly about you to people etc That’s not how men who care behave. In fact if he cared, you’d have no need to divorce.

What worries me that if you see his hideous treatment of you as caring, you’d continue excusing bad behaviors from men because you might not recognize what caring is. His love bombing technique isn’t true caring imho.

I see your points. What I was trying to get at is it's not personal to me and has nothing to do with me - he wouldn't be able to truly love anyone. I took the comment personally.

Thanks.. it was just the way it was worded. I took it personally. Like I'm not worthy of love or caring. I am also just very sensitive and raw right now with emotions over my divorce and my ex. I apologize.

This makes total sense. I understand how it makes you feel and why’d take it personal.

Thank you... I am really emotionally raw, as I mentioned above. I am far from being healed... I need a lot more time. UGH.