Why did I get harassed & assaulted numerous times? Trigger warning!

Trigger warning!

None of these incidents are recent. I need to know why I was a victim each time. It can’t just be bad luck. The only common theme is that each incident took place after I was drinking at a club or at a bar.

I’d appreciate insight & how to avoid these scenarios aside from drinking & going to clubs alone of course. Never again btw. I’ll definitely go out with someone else next time. I wasn’t even safe with friends or acquaintances a few times, so that’s no guarantee.

Anyways, the first incident happened at a hookhah place. I bar hopped with a large group. I left when they closed with a guy & a woman. No one was around.

This big guy comes up to me & grabs my wrist hard & hurts me. He asks me to turn around. I scream at him to let me go. He doesn’t. Eventually he does. The woman leads me away & told me that he wasn’t in our group.

The guy talked to him & got him to leave. That was scary! I know he would’ve tried to rape me if they weren’t there.

He had some nerve attacking me! No one thought to call the police, weird! I was in shock.

The second time happened with a so called friend & his weird g.f at a bar. This time it was a woman I was sitting down & this weird woman came up behind me a shook her breasts against my back. I was to shocked to say anything then.

They didn’t see anything. I told them what happened & my friend laughed & told me to take it as a compliment as she probably liked me! Wth? I doubt he’d find it funny if some strange guy rubbed their crotch against him! He accused me of ‘ruining’ his pool game when I asked if we could leave.

He yelled at me. I should’ve had security kick that lacy out. I ended that so called friendship. His weird g.f said nothing.

Another time this weird female bartender at a sleazy bar my former friend took me to was cool at first. She gave us free shots. Then after the bar closed my friend invited her & a guy at the bar back to our hotel to drink more. We bought booze nextdoor.

I told her no, but she said she’s a good judge of character. Obviously not as thar psycho grabbed my arm outside for no apparent reason. I told her to let go but she wouldn’t. She didn’t say anything . The guy did nothing.

She was a block away & she couldn’t hear me scream. I ran to the hotel & told her to not let them in. She did. I told them to get out at one point after that girl kept poking me. My friend just sat there & cried & the guy was sitting there & making comments about how this was better than German porn, ugh!

So my idiot friend let them stay & I went to the bedroom & cried. She paid for the room I didn’t think to call the manager or the police, duh!

Nothing happened thankfully They parties & the girl went swimming naked when it was cold outside.

The MOST bizarre incident of all though was at a show . I was alone at a small club. I stupidly had to much to drink & while in line, decided to approach the band I liked outside. No one else did.

A roadie stopped me & said, no prostitutes . I was all covered up in jeans, a long sleeved shirt & a leather jacket. I told him that I wasn’t one & that I just wanted to say hi to the band.

I told him that I’m not one & then asked for an apology. He refused so I flipped him off, lol. He then said I wouldn’t get in. I said that I have a ticket & I insulted him & he left, lol. Not a wise decision In retrospect

I should’ve complained about him to management instead. So things were fine after that until the lead singer of the band stood inches away from me onstage. I literally had to look up at him to avoid looking at his groin area, lol.

Then he thrust his groin area towards my face! My jaw dropped! I should’ve moved then! I wanted to enjoy the rest of the show though, lol. I stupidly didn’t think he’d do anything that weird & crazy again.

Idk if he got an uncontrollable erection or if he did thar on purpose to mess with me or show that he was attracted to me. He had a gorgeous g.f art the time. I was covered up aside from wearing a tight sort of low cut too though, but I didn’t look like a slut, lol 😆

So, why would any guy stick his groin area in a woman face? Especially on stage! Isn’t that embarrassing? Don’t guys normally try to hide erections? lol

He was hot, but that was to much & scary! I wasn’t there to sleep with him or anyone else as I’m married & asexual too

So after the show was over, he must’ve either wanted revenge for supposedly rejecting his advances or his offer to go backstage or give me water.

I blacked put out of fear. I just sensed him crouching down in front of me. I saw nothing which was weird. I was frozen until I felt droplets of water on my face & jacket.

I then managed to give him a dirty eff off look I didn’t see his reaction but obviously he knew that I was upset so he left. I wiped my face & stood there in shock. No one did anything but these two nasty girls by me made a rude comment & so did another person by the door No one else laughed though.

Thank god. I felt so humilated. Why the hell would a rockstar target a fan like that for no paticular reason? He must be used to girls looking at him by now.

Did he maybe assume that I was a groupie? Was he hoping I’d meet him after the show & when I didn’t. he wanted to take me backstage ? And when I didn’t respond, he got mad & decided to have fun & give me a ‘facial’ that he no doubt jerked off to later? lol 😆

He might’ve thought that he could do whatever he wanted with me as I had to much to drink.

I never heard of him doing that to any fan before. A lady who knew him said that he’s cool & fun to hang out with.

So like an idiot, I stupidly asked two of the band members to sign my C .D so that I could ask them when the leas singer would be out. I wanted an apology. lol

The first one said that there was no love lost there What does that mean exactly? He did sign my C.D. They both said he’d be out in 45 minutes he’s doing an interview

I decided to leave fortunately. That guy is crazy! I’ve been to lots of shows & not even Marilyn Manson himself did anything like that to me! He just looked ar me once!

No one cared about what happened or asked me if I was OK or not.

Please don’t say that all of this could’ve been avoided if I wasn’t drinking or by myself. I know that now. I was careless & naieve. Never again.

I don’t dress provocatively or flirt with people btw.

Maybe my timid body language screams easy target? I’m not a confident person. I try to not act or look nervous, but I guess thar predators can spot the fakers well.

Maybe I give off a nervous scared vibe? I have social anxiety. Idk. Why would anyone want to hurt or humiliate stranger for no apparent reason?

There are two other stories that involve alcohol, but this is to long of a novel already

Thank goodness that I had the good sense to not go backstage with that rockstar. I’m sure that he wanted to have sex with me & who knows what would’ve happened if I said no? He obviously doesn’t handle rejection well.

Someone please tell me exactly why he thrust his groin area in my face. I know that sounds obvious, but I need a detailed answer, lol

Also, why did he throw water on my face after the show? Was that to get back at me for rejecting bim? Was he trying to get me to go backstage or just maybe offer me water? Again, I’m clueless obviously, but that’s what I think he wanted me to do, lol.

For the record, I rarely go to clubs anymore. I went with a friend last time. Of course 3 rude guys bumped into me on purpose, but that’s it.

How can I avoid being a victim in the future & what should I do next time in each circumstance? Contact management or the police? I will. I’ll take it easy with the booze too.

There are some messed up psychopaths out there! Thank goodness nothing that bad happened to me!

Ladies, carry pepper speay with you. It saved me from getting raped at a other time. I didn’t mention that story. I don’t want a would be rapist to maybe find me on here.

It’s best to not give out identifying info. I’ll just day that he obviously came prepared as he was wearing a groin guard, so kicking him didn’t do anything to him.

I didn’t have it on me ar those other times or I didn’t think to use it then. As I said, I froze. Why? What’s wrong with me?

I’d appreciate any insight, advice & support

Bars and clubs. That’s why these things happen. Not wholesome activities. Not high class people. Drinking and possibly drugging make them to lose those few boundaries they maybe have when sober .

You asked why these things keep happening to you. Because of the places you go, people you associate with and activities you partake in. Of course bad things could happen anywhere and it’s very sad. But in your case the reason it happens that frequently is what I said above

If you want to avoid all this, you have to choose more wholesome activities, better people and better places to hang out. I don’t think you need to stop going places, you just need to make 180 change in where you go and what you do

I understand why those things happen at bars & clubs. What I don’t understand is why I got singled out so often I’d like to know how to avoid getting harassed. Aside from not going places alone, leaving at closing time or drinking to much, what should I do?

If you continue going to these places, you run a risk of being harassed. Other than that there’s not much one can do.

If you go to see a play in a local theater, an exhibition in a gallery, attend day time festival, a movie (not suggestive kind), library for a book club, walk or a picnic in a park, go to a concert (not a drinking party type of concert), volunteer somewhere during day time etc etc you won’t get harassed. This is summer. There are free outdoor concerts everywhere. There’s always police around and I’ve never seen anyone bring harrased

My girlfriends and I don’t get harassed but it’s not because we do something special or we are so great. We just don’t do things you described. If you want to continue the life style, you’d be running the same risk.

It might feel like you are singled out but I am sure there are other women who run into these behaviors if that’s their life style. It’s just what it is.

Why do some people harass women at clubs & bars? Don’t they ever think that they could get kicked out or yelled at? People like that are crazy & weird! What do they get out of it? Is it funny to them? Are they dying to get attention from someone? Is that their bizarre way of flirting with women?

When you choose to go to places where people go to drink and party it up you are dealing with a high percentage of people who are insecure and are looking to have an identity outside themselves. Often these clubs attract insecure people that escape their insecurities by using alcohol and drugs. These individuals tend to be addicted to drama. They will also project their issues on others.

If you choose to swim in a pond that has a lot of alligators you greatly increase your chances of getting bit or attacked.

Thanks. That’s probably true. I never saw anyone get harassed but me at those times.

Weird! Obviously these psychopaths don’t seem to care about being kicked out or even having the cops called on them. I don’t get people like that. I regret not getting management to kick them out. I should’ve called the cops on some of those people who attacked me & sued them for assault.

It’s to bad that I froze. I did get one group of losers kicked out of a club once when they approached me & mace a lame joke. Thankfully my cousin introduced me to his bouncer buddies earlier that evening & one of them happened to be nearby, lol 😆

I’ll definitely get whatever loser messes with me kicked out or arrested next time. I don’t want to stop going out. I’ll just be a lot more careful out there from now on

I suggest you join a Jym and focus on yourself ony try just to make yourself stronger and others also who need your help. We get bullied only when we give opportunity to others to do so. I am six feet two inches and get bullied sometimes too. But I make it a point to raise myself only and win others by love and not hate

They are intoxicated. Their behavior is impaired by substances they inhaled and/or digested or otherwise got into themselves. These also aren’t particularly high class well behaved males to begin with, then add substances and here it is: bad behavior.

Hey sorry to hear of the ordeals you have been through. I wonder if the clubs etc. you attended attracted the wrong kind of people, and intoxicated people are less inhibited. What I find helps is being aware of one's surroundings, the kind of people around me, if need be aware of quick exits, or people who can be approached to help. In the case of unwanted attention, drawing public attention to them can be enough of a deterrent if in a busy public space. Hope this has been of some help, and I hope you are well and keeping well.

Most of the men that hang out at bars/clubs are grifters/drifters that don’t have a life outside that environment. That is what you get with that night crowd that hang out drinking and drugging. That would not be a place a healthy functional man would look for a woman for a relationship

I would stay away from bars and clubs.

I guess they do it because they’ve found they can get away with it in these environments.

Nice healthy men already know that loose women tend to hang out at clubs and bars. They know these women are there and available pretty much every Wednesday and Friday nite. These type of people tend to be binge alcoholics that believe it’s ok if they let loose on certain nights.

When you are a club owner you call them Wednesday and Friday nite “regulars”. These individuals tend to talk about the club as THEIR hangout in a possessive. These individuals can be very narcissistic and entitled so a bar tender and staff has to keep an eye on them so they don’t intimidate other patrons they feel is a threat to what they consider “their hangout”

As a restaurant owner that also provided nite entertainment there is a difference in different groups of regulars. There are lunch regulars that tend to be local business owners. Then there is the happy hour group that stop for a drink and happy hour buffet.

Then there are the dinner regulars that are families and couples married or dating etc. Then there is the late night people that like to hang out and see the live entertainment and consume alcohol. They are a different crowd that present the most challenges because they consume more alcohol and they start to get drunk and loud. These tend to be the ones that need alcohol and DRAMA. This is THEIR LIFE the partiers that are looking for hookups and drama. They are not “friends” but just people that tend to have addiction problems that engage with others who also live that lifestyle. They tend to be very immature in that they get stuck in this early age party style and they never matured beyond that mentality.

If you are young and naïve the more predatory ones will see that right away. It’s not an environment that provides true respect.

If you are married, why are you even in these bars/clubs? And alone?

You put yourself in harm's way, then you are surprised that you get harmed? It's like the people who go to Yellowstone and try to pet the bison.

I understand that you have certain challenges. But the internet offers all kinds of resources for you to learn from. Dale Carnegie and other self help authors might be a good place for you to start. Melody Beattie for codependence. Anne Katherine for boundaries. Your husband has bruised your self-esteem, if ever you had any (my parents killed mine!). But now its your job to become a whole human being.

That might explain their aggressive, irrational & psycho behavior.

Maybe, but maybe not. Obviously a woman can get a bouncer to kick people out. Or the cops could be called on them. Bartenders can now help women. Thete are things called ‘angel shots’ or ‘angela’ which is a code for help & not a drink. Good to know.

It’s sad & pathetic that some adult men act like this. I wasn’t that young when this happened to me. I was kind of naieve & inexperienced with men though & not as street smart as I should’ve been back then

So, are you saying that I should never go to clubs again? I love music. I don’t want to stop going to clubs & concerts. I have been able to attend huge concerts with no issues before.

I realized that I shouldn’t have done certain things. I definitely should’ve complained to management when I was harassed or in some cases, called the police acter being assaulted.

And of course not have drank excessively. I thought that I was cautious by watching my drink, not talking to strangers, having a friend with me usually, not dressing provocatively, etc.

These days I rarely go to clubs or bars. The places I went to also weren’t nice places. I stupidly trusted a few wild former friends who took me to low class sleazy bars . I didn’t trust my intuition to leave when I should’ve left

Never again. At one place homeless guys kept coming in to beg for drinks. Big red flag! My friend back then told me that she was a good judge of character. Apparently she wasn’t as she is bipolar & eventually she ended up getting robbed after she let a homeless wiman stay over at her place.

As for me being married, who says that married people shouldn’t go out? I don’t want to stay home all the time or only go to ‘safe’ places. As I said, I love music. I don’t go out to meet men or anyone else obviously. Btw, I no longer go to any bars period. I only went to a few in the past.

My husband hates clubs, concerts & my music, and most of my friends don’t or didn’t share my taste in music back then. So my options were limited

I only went to places alone before very reluctantly as I has no one to go out with at the time. It’s interesting to how a man can go out alone with no issues, but if you do it as a woman, that you must be there to hook up with men.

Thanks for offering those book suggestions btw. I’ll check them out.

Btw, the last few shows that I went to were OK. I had a lot of fun at these shows & some of these clubs. My good time was obviously ruined a few times, but I still had some fun.

If someone told you to stop going to Yosemite because you could possibly get killed by some bison, would you stop going there? Probably not. You’d just sray away from them. I was reasonably cautious most of the time. I never ever let anyone biy me drinks for one.

I definitely am more aware of things now & I could never ever go to a club or a show alone again. It is to dangerous to do so for a female obviously. Especially me.

I could still get harassed anywhere. If I do though, I will definitely get management or the police involved immediately.

I will also immediately move away if anyone approaches me. I’m not there to meet anyone. And I’ll definitely move away the second anyone tries to touch me or display any kind of inappropriate behavior.

I don’t care if I come across as rude. I need to protect myself.