Setting boundaries (unrequited love + friendship)

Hey, dear community! I wondered if it is okay to create boundaries and tell a long-time friend who I have fallen in love with and who doesn't share those feelings, that I cannot stay in this friendship if she starts dating other men?

I'm currently looking for a therapist because I fear that my need to be loved and to retain harmony has become too intoxicating for myself and others, and in the meanwhile I wanted to use this and other platforms for receiving mental health advice.

I met my very close friend 4 years ago, while she was in an unhappy relationship and I was trying to fix mine. Two years back, my unwavering need to fix that relationship, broke the very same, which took me a very long time to accept. Including an inability to let go and being bombarded by constant spiraling thoughts, which led to a long time depression.

One year back, once I noticed that I had developed feelings for my friend and started to overcome what had happened, I told her that I did carry those feelings but that I still respected her relationship and that I just wanted her to know. At that moment and in the year between, I kept being there for her and believed that she wanted the same, while she allowed physical contact (cuddling, massaging of legs & feet, intimate hugs) and never gave me any signs that she felt uncomfortable.

To keep it short, her father died in January, she started therapy over a month ago, which I supported her with by being present and affectionate, and two weeks back, she let me know that she was on a break. Because I'm an idiot, I started sharing my feelings more openly again by giving her cute nicknames & asking her if it would be okay to hold hands, because something in me thought she did initiate the break because of me.

Last week she wrote me that she did not carry the same feelings, never will and that she didn't want me to be awkward should she be dating other men. We both also have been very triggering to each other with this, but I continue to apologize and try to get her point, while she has never apologized ones and makes contradictory statements about the exchange back then, like that she's forgotten, but then didn't want to hurt me, but also that this was new to her.

I understand what she's going through, but I fear that I'll give everything for her, including my mental and emotional health.

What are your thoughts? Even though I still love her and care for her, and want to be there for her in these tough times, is it okay for me to draw that line? I don't feel at all it would be healthy for me or her and that it would push me to my limits. And I don't want to hurt her more than she already is, pretending to be someone I currently can't be.

I think you have some transference issues from your previous breakup that were placated on her instead of those issues being resolved separately. Since she made the mistake of letting you get too close with hugging and leg rubbing, I believe that planted the seed to allow your feelings of displacement from the breakup saddle themselves with expectations that were never fully realized with her friendship. So now that she has defined that space, its giving you more of a jolt than just disappointing wishful thinking, because you also have the baggage of the breakup tied up with her. This is why you can not reconcile the terms, because emotionally you were already invested for more which serviced the wounds of your original pain.

That original pain has now lost its place holder and thus you now identify the pain associated with your friend instead of your ex, which is why you feel inclined to "break up" with her to make it go away. I think you need to step back from your friend and finish dealing with that original issue and put it to bed in the proper way instead of making her pay for something she never placed there to start. I believe if you give it that context and prioritize accordingly, your friendship can resume without any additional damage. You just have to clean up that emotional baggage and not ask her to answer for it.

Thank you, Embracingtruth! Your analysis speaks to me personally and it makes absolute sense. Reflecting internally and observing what thoughts have brought me to my feelings for her was the grief of the break up, which never felt resolved due to the unfolding of that experience. In all honesty, thanks to your message I got a glimpse at the mental patterns at play here and will take your advice of dealing with this baggage first. Thank you for taking this step with me and for the compassion that you've shown me with your reply! Wish you all the best!