How can I stop my husband from blaming me for everything?

True. I think that he thinks it’ll minimize ‘conflict’, lol 😆

Vocational Rehabilitation - CA Department of Rehabilitation

Contact them to find your regional agency: their phone number, email and address. Then contact regional agency and get the ball rolling

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966 Honestly even if things were your fault, he can’t treat you this way. If he can’t tolerate you, he should get a divorce. If he stays married, he can’t treat you this way. Like if I was careless and broke something, it wouldn’t justify my husband hanging up on me or yelling or refusing to help. Whose fault doesn’t matter here

From personal experience getting to the point of getting a divorce isn't like a light switch that just turns on. It builds up to get to that point but that doesn't mean the lack of tolerance isn't building up & coming out during that period of build up to that point.

I agree that leaving her stranded without the means to get home was a bit radical.....however sometimes when we are fed up feeling the other person is being irresponsible, the gut reaction can be that they will learn a lesson the hard way & next time go prepared. If irresponsible decisions have no consequences, people don't bother to learn any other behavior & in reality they are blaming the other person for not bailing them out for their bad choices as much as the other perdon is blaming them for their bad choices.

My marriage was similar only it was my H who was always messing things up financially & making bad choices. Yes, I left & after I left he totally destroyed himself financially. He never learned & never will because that is who he always was & always will be. But it took awhile to get to the point where I was financially able to leave even though I wanted out long before I could make it happen.

@jesyka i learned to never just THINK something is the way I think it "should" be. Assumptions are very dangerous to use to guide your life & ususlly wrong. I ALWAYS get times & details that I have always verified & double checked.

I was in Calif in 2018 forba court case against my then still husband. The last day there I had my court hearing early in the morning. Then I had to make sure I got on the last metro that took me to Union Station in L.A. & connect with the flyaway to get me to LAX so I could make my flight home. Always take my phone charger with me & they have charging ports at the airport. One learns to plan ALL the details when we are dependent on other schedules than our own. When we end up with learned dependence on others it is harder for us to take on the responsibility of independence when we are doing something independent. Most mistakes that happen in our lives is because of a faulty choice we ourselves have made. Learning skills is important but most skills are based on common sense & sometimes it is a matter of learning the hard way.

Like I told my now ex, if I ever see his behaviors change then I will change my opinion of him.

You said these things happened awhile ago. Have you been making more responsible decisions lately? If so, has your husband
recognized the changes? Sadly my now ex never learned to make better choices & he lost the house to foreclosure because of his bad choices. I left & in my wisevdecisions, I financially & legally protected the farm I bought with the inheritance from my mom so he couldn't touch it even before we were legally divorced. Making our own wise decisions even when disabled (I had major depression & anxiety & PTSD & was just recovering from anorexia) is important to our own ability to survive & thrive. Interesting thing, I was able to heal those things along with my cronic migraines when I left that environment. The environment we live in does effect our mental & physical health

@jesyka where I live we actually have a law which protects the rights on an individual to make unwise decisions. It’s called The Care Act and it covers people who may have mental and physical disabilities including learning disabilities- it means people (family or social workers) can’t easily take over someone’s life choices even if they’ve made unwise decisions. Many countries have such a law.

I’m mentioning this because your posts come across to me like okay you may have made some mistakes but your husband seems to think he can tell you what to do and even curtail your freedom. He doesn’t have that right.

He’s abusive and this is abusive marriage. He’s not concerning himself with what rights he has to abuse. That’s not how abusers operate.,

Quote:

Originally Posted by Discombobulated @jesyka where I live we actually have a law which protects the rights on an individual to make unwise decisions. It’s called The Care Act and it covers people who may have mental and physical disabilities including learning disabilities- it means people (family or social workers) can’t easily take over someone’s life choices even if they’ve made unwise decisions. Many countries have such a law. I’m mentioning this because your posts come across to me like okay you may have made some mistakes but your husband seems to think he can tell you what to do and even curtail your freedom. He doesn’t have that right.

CA has similar. I had left my husband still married because I didn't want to get a divorce that forced the sale of the upside down valued home we owned & leave him homeless. He earned more money than I did but quit paying the mortgage....I called APS (adult protective services) because I knew he had mental issues he probably needed help with. When I called them back they basically told me that there was nothing they could do & that they are entitled to make choices whether they are bad or not & it is their own problem what the consequences are. Hmmmm, maybe that is why the homeless population in Calif is so high & many do have mental health issues that are being ignored with a tough luck attitude. BTW, he lost the home & I am divorced from him. Bad choices can destroy their lives & the lives of people around them & if nothing can be done to change that then leaving them to their bad choices just makes the situation worse & makes people want to leave them to their bad choices.

You can get legal guardianship of a family member but they have to have more profound disability. Typically CI (cognitive impairment), lower functioning ASD, TBI (again lower functioning). I am familiar with it professionally. Courts won’t granted you guardianship of someone just because they make bad choices even if these bad choices affect everybody else.

I don’t believe in this situation husband is talking about legally removing his wife’s rights but rather expresses his convoluted and stupid opinion that since she keeps getting into troubles/bad situations and gets into confrontations with people, she is better off not going anywhere. It’s a messed up and ridiculous suggestion but I don’t believe he’s talking about removing legal rights.

Yeah I just wanted to make sure Jesyka knows that she’s got rights even if she’s made a few mistakes, her husband sounds like he is ordering her around and I’m concerned because she relies on him financially she’s allowed him to take charge - I hope I’m wrong.

Keep in touch with us here when you can Jesyka.

Thanks, I will.

I’m sorry to hear about the situation with your husband. What happened with me is different though. I just happened to assume the train ran latter. And I forgot to charge my phone. I usually have my phone charged & I rarely leave the house not having planned things in advance.

I have what I need, gas, money, I.D, wallet, insurance, glasses, etc. I’m not that irresponsible. That only happened to me ONE time! So his reaction was WAY over the top!

As for the other situations to where I got assaulted, I took precautions, but I was the victim of bad luck. I shouldn’t be blamed for what happened.

I should’ve reacted to the situation differently though by calling the police & by not drinking as much & by not going out alone at times, yes. I never did any of those things for years. That happened years ago. The last incident took place maybe 13 years ago as far as the assault situations go.

And I have not been stranded anywhere ever again since that one time.

It’s not like this happens all the time. We have all probably had our phone die on us at one point I’m sure.

To be left stranded alone late at night in a big city to where I could get robbed or worse is unacceptable behaviour.

Again, sorry to hear about your ex. I no longer out out alone at night anywhere most of the time unless it’s to a restaurant with my husband or friends. I can’t even drive at night.

I don’t go out to bars anymore period. I have only gone to a few small clubs & concerts with a trusted friend & not with people who may not have my back should I need them their help.

I haven’t really had any major issues. Just minor annoyances with a few rude people bumping into me.

I’ll never ever compromise my personal safety again by going out to certain places alone. I always fill up my car with gas, charge my phone, have cash on me, chech routes, etc.

I check in with my husband & friends & used the check in feature on rideshare & use the location share app.

I know better now. I even got an apple airtag for my luggage when we traveled. I watch my purse like a hawk & everything else too.

I don’t talk to strangers. I told this weird lady at a show to stop touching me or I’d get security to kick her out. She said something about me taking pics with a flash. I don’t take crap from anyone anymore!

She backed off after awhile. lol 😆 I didn’t drink excessively too.

I had my friend drive us or we took a train or an Uber when we went out. The main thing is that I rarely go out at night now.

I didn’t know anything about that act. Where do you live btw? Thanks for letting me know that! I live in Ca. btw.

I have really fought him hard on him trying to control me! He tried to change my personality & whole way of thinking before! Example, he tried to force me to be friends with his mom who I hate. Long story short, she slapped me across the back once in public then last ghed in my face. I threatened to call the cops on her for assault! She lied & said it was a ‘friendly’ slap on the back! B.S!

I banned that evil liar from out house! He believed her though & threatened to leave me in Reno for sticking up for myself! Wth? Eff her!

I’m also a shy introverted person & he called me weird & anti social & tried to force me to socialize with his friends who’d ignore me. They didn’t like me & woulld talk in their own language despite knowing English

He finally stopped trying to force all rhat b.s on me after years of trying to get me to be someone that I’m not.

Why are you still with him?

It’s complicated. He does have good qualities tbh at times. All men are mean & controlling to me. Sime more than others.

So, what choice do I have? No other decent guy will want a messsed unemployed fat middle aged ugly woman with mental health issues. So I’m stuck. Only a messed up loser will maybe put up with me. Someone like a drug addict or something like that. No thanks.

At least I have a roof over my head & am not being physically beaten. No one could ever love me. No decent guy ever liked me.

That’s a lot to carry around within you.

Could you think about a life whereby you could be yourself happily? You list so many negative traits yet I’m sure you have positive ones too.

They hide their insecurity by being cocky. He is NOT confident...Confident people don't act that way or abuse.
u

I completely agree, confident people are not judgmental of others.

Individuals who are chronically judgmental of others are very insecure.

Not all men are mean and controlling. Your husband is, but that doesn't equate to mean all men are that way.

Are you saying you are dependent on him financially and therefore are stuck in this relationship? Are there any other avenues to having a roof over your head? Can you live with your family?

You don't HAVE to be with a partner in order to exist and survive in this world, especially an abusive partner...

Just because he doesn't physically beat you does not mean he isn't abusing you emotionally, verbally, mentally, and psychologically.

Your self esteem is beaten down and you sound defeated. That's because of his abuse. It's eroding your self esteem. It will only get worse from here.

I do have dome good qualities, but they’re not really marketable qualities for the most part. My good qualities are usually overlooked or unappreciated by slmost everyone. Either that or things like my kindness tends to be taken for granted.