Another set boundary, another FB friend exists stage left

Six months ago I joined an online FB grief group when my mom passed away, where I could post about my grief. A few women from that group messaged me to ask me to be FB friends, so I added them.

One of them is local and gave me her cell #. I We chatted a few times about getting together, but she was always conveniently busy (re: not interested in a real friendship offline).

So, today she a post I wrote about feeling down in the dumps about my job search leading nowhere. I had left her a voicemail a couple of nights ago, to see if she wanted to chat about our mutual grief paths (she also lost her mom this year).

She texted me today that she got my voicemail but is "so busy with work she can't get together right now." Funny how she has the time to text me, but not call me, or accept my social invitations to get together. Classic one sided acquaintance-ship. Those don't interest me. Plus, I hate it when people blatantly lie about my place in their life. If you tell me you're too busy, then I know it's because I'm just not a priority in your life.

I replied to her text that right now, I just need people around me who prioritize me and since she's not interested developing a real friendship, I'm deleting her number from my phone b/c I'm tired of her not being honest with me.

She texted back "F--- you, you weirdo. You're blocked on FB and my cell. Don't contact me again."

She's just an acquaintance so I was just honest with her today when I bluntly told her that I'd rather she just be honest about not wanting to have a real friendship offline. I just want people who will be honest with me. I hate liars. Above all else, I hate liars. Lying to me is not something I will tolerate. Because there's no reason to lie to me.

She could have just managed my expectation during the first ever phone call we had about the parameters of our connection, that started with the online FB grief group and FB friendship. If she didn't want to become real friends with me, then don't offer ME your cellphone number. Don't lie and say you're "too busy" when I socially invite you out for coffee.

So, I feel like, she mismanaged my expectations and when I pointed that out to her, she got pissed at me and called me a nasty word. That's really emotionally immature on her part. If that makes me a weirdo, or confrontational to HER, ok. She's allowed to feel that way. I'm allowed to feel the way that I do too. She and I were not meant to be real friends in real life.

I don't think I'm a weirdo for being honest. Acquaintances who keep me as an option are not people that I need or want in my life because, what's the purpose of our connection then if it doesn't go anywhere?

I just had a counseling session about my communication style this past week. At a job interview, the front desk woman called me a "b----" when I asked her why she waited 30 minutes to let me inside the building for my job interview.

She literally sat on the front desk phone for 30 minutes, while I stood in the building entry way, peering through the glass doors with the recruiter on my cellphone, trying to figure out what I should do.

The recruiter connected the account manager of that client to my call, for a 3-way call, and the two young women were laughing at me and the situation instead of professional problem solving of how to contact the man who was supposed to interview me, yet didn't give either of them his phone number. So, a bad experience to say the lease. I shouldn't have lost my temper but I did. Lesson learned.

When someone else eventually let me into the building, I was done, emotionally. If you schedule me for an interview, at least unlock the building doors so I can come in, sit down, and wait, even if its for 30 minutes.

But I was just standing there, while people with badges inside walked by me, not letting me in, and she just sat at the front desk on the phone talking. I felt so disrespected and treated like trash.

I just felt so dejected like me being there didn't even matter. And it didn't help that the recruiter and her account manager sat giggling on the 3-way call with me, when I told them, "Um, that woman behind the desk just called me a "b-----" because I expressed my frustration for being kept waiting outside the locked building for 30 minutes."

I don't want to change other people. But, I deserve the right to be treated with respect and if setting that boundary means the other person tells me to "F--- off" or calls me a "b----" then so be it.

On my FB post today, another FB friend whom I know will never become a real friend offline (we live in different states and we all know how my attempt to befriend a past FB friend in another state went), posted a toxic perseverance quote of, "keep at it until the right job finds you." She's been married for her entire life so she's never had to endure financial straits alone, unemployment alone, grief alone as her husband has been her financial and emotional support buffer.

I didn't respond to her post b/c I decided it wasn't worth it. She doesn't really sympathize because she's not a single 52 year old woman with no job prospects like me. Yes, she's allowed her feelings and I'm allowed mine. We have commonalities and we have differences and I'm trying hard to respect her for her differences.

We don't have each other's phone numbers and she never offered me hers, nor have I offered her mine. So, my expectations of this online friendship are well-managed, boundary-wise. I will never ask her for her phone number because she doesn't really want a real friendship with me.

Hi Motts. Being direct and honest is sometimes complicated and I definitively have gotten into some trouble in the past due to it.
I recently found on FB this quote and I couldn't agree more: "I was ashamed of myself when I realized life was a costume party and I attended with my real face" - F Kafka.

I guess a middle term between being completely fake and being too blunt must be found. I'm sorry you had to experience hatred for something you technically didn't do wrong. Hugs.

Hi MrAbbott,

I love Franz Kafka's writings - he's the "ultimate self-doubting writer" who I can relate to on so many levels.

I love the quote that you selected because it's 100% accurate of the mask I've worn my entire life despite my best efforts otherwise. I have not been successful to find the middle ground between affective orientation and diffuse orientation. To find that happy middle ground between totally fake and being too blunt has proven futile to me. No matter what I say, I put people off of me like a good insect repellent. I'm a walking poison I suppose. Maybe I have ADHD. Maybe I'm autistic. Maybe it's Maybeline. Maybe I'm just like Dorothy Parker in her menopause years.

Yes, the hatred from those women was an unexpected consequence of my poor word choices spoken and written. Technically, I made a mistake as true self. Whoopsie. And they responded as their true selves. With a meanness strong enough to provoke a reaction from the Kardashian sisters.

Being honest is definitely complex and hard to navigate in some situations like the two I wrote about in my OP. It's nice to read from you that you've been in my shoes too. Knowing that makes me feel better.

When people put you off the way you described they are actually telling you that they don’t have the skills to engage in the kind of relationship you are asking for.

I think you get frustrated because you expect people to know more than they know. People tend to be self absorbed and the kind of in depth relationship you are searching for is actually very rare.

Wow she called you names, how unprofessional

It’s hard to navigate between being fake/not authentic and being too blunt. I am very blunt so I hear you on that. Sometimes it’s about exercising self control.

Do I want to publicly tell this person where she should go with this nonsense? Sure. Should I cause a public scene? Hhmm probably not.

Sometimes it’s good to leave, process what happened and then contact responsible party. I once was rudely spoken by a secretary in one office plus she lied about things creating issues for me etc I was too shocked to think straight.

I later contacted her boss, he was outraged. I know she got in trouble because I know other people in that facility, she complained how she got in trouble with the boss etc If I confronted her right there and then perhaps I’d look like a trouble maker and the rude one. Instead i remained calm and I called later and calmly explained my experience.

Now what if this boss asked witnesses, which they were a few. They’d say this quiet lady stood there taking high road so to speak while Secretary was a jerk. Or they could say this lady and Secretary had a confrontation and were going at each other and we aren’t even sure who started. Hhmm which version would play to my benefit?

There are a lot of nasty people out there. Sometimes it’s better to confront, sometimes it’s better to address it later and sometimes it’s better to just let it go and not bother. It’s really hard to navigate all that deciding what’s best in each situation. Tricky

Regarding the FB acquaintance, she is the one who reached out to me from the FB group asking to become a FB friend. She also initiated offering me her cell phone number and called me.

So, she is responsible for sending me the mixed message of being my friend in real life. She has the skills to engage in a friendship.

What are you implying? That I come on to strong with people and they reject me? It's ok if that's what you mean. I'd rather you just write that instead of blaming me outright, which is how i interpreted your post.

Again, she pursued me for friendship from the FB grief group. If anyone is to blame, I'd say it's her.

My frustration with her behavior is actually reasonable, so we can agree to disagree in her case. Don't go through all of that to just blow off my social invites to meet in person b/c doing that is a colossal waste of my time. I don't have time for people who lie to me, period.

As far as the recruiter and account manager, that wasn't about friendship. Their behavior was unprofessional. Again, I don't know where you got 'friendship' from that experience.

I read your post as though you were blaming me for coming on too strong. Better to just write that than imply it. And, I'm not going to feel bad for who I am. If that's what you wanted to accomplish with your post? To shame me for my boundaries?

I will never change myself to please people. If they don't like me, fine. I do have to work on being more diffuse in situations like the interview scenario, where being more neutral would have served me better long term.

Yes, that secretary called me the B----- word b/c I lost my temper after she kept me waiting 30 minutes past my interview time. Her behavior was really unprofessional. I did try to find a human resources contact since its a global company, and couldn't find one person. I may have to search LinkedIn for a local human resources contact b/c I can guarantee you that once I find a human resources contact, I'm going to email them.

I agree with your observation about learning to make better choices in the moment. Moments are so quick that in this case, I rashly chose the wrong path and the consequence was that I lost out on interviewing for a 2 month source of income. The other side of the coin, is that her calling me the B word like that, previewed for me what it would have been like dealing with her as my trainer on a daily basis. So, while I'm disappointed with myself, I'm also relieved that it didn't work out because I don't think i could have dealt with her on a daily basis since she thought it was ok to call a complete stranger the B word.

It sounds like the same thing happened to you as well, with a secretary who mistreated you. Im happy that you contacted her boss and that he was outraged (as he should be). I'm also glad you stood your ground with her and maintained your boundary. I am glad she got into trouble too.

There were definitely 4 employee witnesses. The secretary was the only one yelling (she kept ranting that no one would believe me if I tried to tell them that she called me the B word, or that she had her feet on her desk b/c "the cameras can prove my feet weren't on my desk."

Seriously, this is a multi-million dollar global company and this woman was sat on the phone with her feet on the front reception desk while I stood outside glass locked doors for 30 minutes waiting to be let inside to interview for that same role she was supposedly the trainer for. Eeek.

I knew better with this situation and I don't know why I chose to ignore my inner sense of remaining diffuse and neutral, and instead be affective and reactive. I do know that I hate contract work and would prefer a full-time job. So, I know that underlying frustration may have fueled my frustrated response at being kept waiting 30 minutes. I wasn't expecting to be called the B word either or have my recruiter and her account manager laugh at me on the phone. Their choice to do that was wrong as it was disrespectful and downright mean to me.

Quite a learning experience.

Mott’s, you really took my post the wrong way. My post was not criticizing you personally. Instead, I was sharing how people can seem caring but they often fail to deliver the actions.
Yes! Sometimes a person will give out their number when in reality they don’t have the patience or time to sit and listen and comfort.

This person that gave you her number misled you.

This woman is just a receptionist. She is not responsible for unlocking the doors so people can enter the building. She is not even responsible for comforting people waiting to get in.

She might have considered meeting in person to be "too soon", she could be thinking that she doesn't know you well enough yet for that.

With regard to phone calls, she could be thinking that she doesn't know you well enough to engage on the phone.

People move at different paces in developing friendships.

An option might have been to have a texting-only relationship for a while, to enhance mutual trust, and see what develops.

I know that you don't want a texting-only relationship. It could, though, be a stepping stone to what you do want.

If you don't want even that, so be it. I would, though, advise against calling people liars. This woman was favorably enough disposed to you to be kind on FB and send her phone number. Why extinguish that favorable feeling?

Motts, I’m so sorry to hear about what you went through with each situation. Those people were very rude & immature. Especially that receptionist. She should be fired for being rude & unprofessional. Was she young by any chance?

That FB lady obviously just wanted a text only or FB only kind of friendship. She sounded like a fake person. A lot of people use the ‘busy’ excuse to blow people off. It took me forever to realize that it’s an excuse.

Most people aren’t straightforward. A lot of people are afraid of ‘confrontation’ & hurtting other people’s feelings. That’s why ghosting has become so common these days. That & the slow fade too even with long term friendships.

I had to have those things explained to me many times by other people. I’m like you in this way. It hurts. It sucks that most people communicate in this wussy way including men sometimes, but it us what it is.

Next time people give you lame excuses, just delete & block their number or accept what they’re willing & able to give & not excpect more from them.

I have done that recently with a bunch of women I met who I felt weren’t sincere. I didn’t say anything. I just trusted my gut. One woman was obviously was blowing me iff after she got a new b.f.

Maybe that lady needed more time to get to know you better before she felt comfortable meeting you, who knows?

She shouldn’t have called you a weirdo though. That was very rude. As for the receptionist, I’d complain about her to H.R too. What a ******! Hopefully she’ll get fired soon. They should’ve let you in the building. She could’ve had someone let you in.

She just didn’t care. It’s a good thing that you didn’t get the job there as you wouldn’t have been treated with respect there obviously. You deserve better than that.

As for your friend, you’re right about what you said. She doesn’t understand your struggles as she has never walked in your shoes.

She lacks empathy to some degree. You didn’t really do anything wrong. I’d be upset if I were you too. I’m the same way.

I’m also emotional & I would tell people off too, lol. I have told many people off before. I recently got my Lyft account permanently deactivated for daring to report this idiot driver.

He lied about what happened & accused me of assaulting him which was b.s to protect himself. He dropped me off in an unsafe area & he knew it.

Sorry for the rant. If I would’ve kept quiet & reported him instead, then I probably would still have my account. Stupid Lyft took his side unfortunately. You never know how far some people will go to get back at you.

I’m not saying to not speak up. I’m just saying, be careful as there are some nasty & vindictive people out there who are unhinged.

If you’re ever in a situation to whete a company makes you wait outside for an interview, leave. It is a HUGE red flag! It means that you’ll be treated like garbage! I’ve had that happen to me too.

Don’t ever tolerate disrespect. Especially for a contract or low paying job! It’s not worth it!

You are to good for that nonsense! A lot of people suck! Unfortunately a lot of people don’t respond well to honesty. It’s hard being an honest person in a world full of fake people.

Although I agree with most of what you said, perhaps “blocking and deleting” because you think their excuse is lame might be a bit harsh.

There’ve been times when I truly was too busy to even get my basic needs met let alone have social life. I’d be hurt if people blocked and deleted me because they thought I was fake or gave lame excuses.

It’s important to stand up for ourselves but we don’t want to lose all connections with people because we don’t trust they have valid reasons for something.

OK, maybe I shouldn’t have done that. I’ve had it with people though. I have very little patience left for nonsense. I definitely did the right thing with the lady with the b.f. She only talked about herself all the time. It was way, way to much. She never ever asked me anything about myself.

I’ll try to be more patient next time.

If you sit and think about how long human beings have exited and then think about what we have learned just in maybe the last 30 years alone? Women were blamed and shamed by men and even other women when they failed to produce a male child.

I think about Henry the eighth and the beheadings. We learned it was NOT the failure of the woman but in the man.

Just because we think someone should know better, doesn’t mean they do.

All good points, Bill.

I hate texting-only “friendships” b/c they aren’t real to me. I’ve been stuck with those types of virtual friendships in the past, where I never saw or heard or hung out with the person, as we only communicated via text message. I’m not a texter. So I can’t handle those types of friendships.

I admit I called her a ‘liar’ because of her text message to me with a ‘heart’ emoji. That made me think she was just blowing me off bc of her pattern of rejecting all of my invites to get together socially over the past 6 months.

I had to draw the line somewhere. I was tired of her not being honest with me. I think at at the end of the day, she just didn’t want a real friendship with me.

While that upsets me because making friends for me is so difficult, I also need to acknowledge that she has a right not to choose to be friends with me. So, I agree with you that calling her a liar was due to my feeling rejected and defensive. While she has no obligation to tell me the truth, that doesn’t mean I can just call her a liar because she hurt my feelings.

That sucks about what your Lyft driver did lying about you to save his rating reputation on the rideshare app. Don’t apologize for being yourself. You are great the way that you are!

I agree that we need to stand up for ourselves. I also agree that it’s a challenge to know when to do that, so that we don’t lose all connections with people because we don’t trust that they have valid reasons for the way the treat us.

I have zero patience for people’s nonsense. I’m 52. I just can’t be bothered anymore with pretending that someone else’s nonsense doesn’t bother me when it bothers me. I stayed silent for 52 years. No more silence. Why should i put my needs second for people who don’t even respect me?

Women will continue to be blamed for setting boundaries. It’s really annoying to constantly have to deal with the glass ceiling created by men to keep women on unstable footing, so to speak.

That’s true. Sometimes people just give out their contact info to be polite. It doesn’t actually mean that they want to talk to you.

I had to learn those things the hard way. A lot of people have a hard time saying no as they don’t want to be ‘rude’. But then they’re fine with ignoring you or flaking out on plans they said yes to later. ugh.

People are so weird at times.

Very true!

Sorry again to hear about what you went through. And sorry to hear about your moms death too. Did that lady make you feel like she might’ve been interested in meeting you eventually in real life?

Some people only want online or text only friendships. People like that will often use every excuse there is to never or rarely meet up in person.

I hate it when people b.s you like that. If that’s all they want, fine, but be honest about things & don’t string people along who are looking to form friendships in real life.

Did you report her to FB? As for that rude receptionist, did you report her to H.R? I can’t believe that she’s a middle aged woman! She’s very immature for her age! She’ll eventually get fired for being rude & unprofessional!

Anyways, I’ll be your friend if you like. I’m almost the same age as you. I’m 51 years old. I live in N. Ca. You? I’m married w/o any kids.

You can private message me. Send me a friend request & I’ll accept it. You sound like a cool lady. I have issues with making friends too. I suffer from anxiety depression, and I have issues with self esteem as well.

I’m also shy and introverted. I have a straightforward personality though, lol 😆

How is your job search going so far? Sorry if I missed anything. The post was long. And yeah, that Lyft driver was definitely trying to cover his butt.

Hopefully his bad karma will catch up with him one day. Hopefully he’ll get caught lying soon & will end up getting fired & sued for making a false assault accusation against other passengers.

Next time you meet someone, it might be a good idea to maybe keep someone in your life if they offer you some kind of benefit. I realize that you’re looking for real friendship, but those are extremely hard to come by these days.

So if someone can offer you some support or if you find someone who is fun to go out with or who happens to like some of the same things that you do, then it’s worth it to keep those kind of people in yoour life to go to a movie, a concert or to dinner with.

If you can go out & just have lighthearted fun with them, then they’re worth keeping around. Not everyone is OK with talking about more serious things.

I think that I lost a few friends by talking about my problems to often. One fun lady I met months ago stopped talking to me as I expected more than she was willing or able to give. I tound her self absorbed behavior to be annoying, but I did enjoy discussing music & art with her.

I blew it by expecting to much & by not bring more tolerant. She was going through a lot & she fid invite me out to go swimming & she wasn’t flaky.

We had similar health issues & problems with our weight & we are both into hair, makeup, fashion & skincare too. I miss her. I’m an idiot, ugh.

So she was self absorbed, but she was fun at least. We went out to clubs & had fun.

So keep that in mind next time. Maybe that kind of friendship isn’t for you though. Idk. For me, I’ll expect less of other people next time.

I won’t tolerate disrespect, I just won’t expect people to
be who I want them to be.