What causes people to become targets for bullying & sexual assault?

Trigger warning:

I’ve been a victim of bullying & physical/sexual assault for most of my life by various people from strangers to classmates to people at work.

I’d like to know why I was a victim & what can I do to prevent myself from being a victim again. In some cases it’s obvious that not going to certain places & not drinking would’ve helped.

I definitely did not drink & was not in a bar or a club when I was bullied at work & in school. I grew up with a nasty mean controlling narc dad & a critical paranoid freak mom & a nasty sister who made fun of me all the time too. So I grew up having low self esteem.

When I was younger, I was a lot shier & I almost never spoke up or stuck up for myself. I was to nice for my oen good.

I had no real friends who’d stick up for me. Two times a mean girl & her friends came up to me when I was with a large group of my friends & she had the nerve to say this: She just stands there & says nothing. She’s always so quiet. My friends said nothing at all. Weird. I know they heard what she said.

I don’t understand why they didn’t stick up for me back then. That was back in Jr. High. I would’ve told nasty mean girls like off if that happened to me now though, lol.

I also didn’t speak up when I was being harassed & talked down to at work by my supervisors at work. I was accused by one of them of being a liar. I said nothing as I didn’t want to be fired. I should’ve said something.

And I froze & didn’t call the cops or have management kick out the people who harassed me when I should’ve done that asap back then.

It’s almost as if these psychopaths knew that I wouldn’t know how to to react appropriately to the situation, that I’d just freeze up or let it go, idk.

I’m not a confident person unfortunately. I try not to make my lack of confidence obvious, but maybe it shows despite my best efforts to hide it.

If any of you on here have had these issues too or if any of you know someone or you have picked on people before, then please explain exactly why targets get targeted.

I try to be more cautious now of course. Even though I’m cautious, it’s like I’m a magnet for creeps ar times, ugh. One time I was followed home years ago by some creep in a van.

I was in my car & he came up to my window & asked me if our house was for sale. I said no. He said am I sure?
I said yes. He freaked me out. He then didn’t leave right away. His van was in the street. I stayed in the car. I froze & stayed in my car. I didn’t think to call the police.

It’s almost like these weirdos know I’ll freeze up in fear, ugh! How can I stop freezing up?

I have an anxiety disorder btw. I’m sick of being bullied & harassed! Lately I haven’t had any issues as I avoid most people & most social situations & I rarely go out ar night these days or out alone period now.

I’d appreciate any insight or advice.

A book i found very helpful are the two Boundaries books by Anne Katherine. Dear Abby and or Ann Landers used to say that people can only use you for a doormat if you let them walk on you. Anne Katherine walks you through many different examples and helps you see why it is okay to defend your boundary.

Thanks. I have tried setting boundaries but people still don’t respect me. One former friend called them restrictions & that I was being intolerant of other people’s quirks. She expected me to respect her boundaries though the second I spoke up, such a hypocrite, ugh!

Instead of boundaries I might suggest compassion.

Here are two books that could help you with your conflicts with others

Why has nobody told me this before, Dr Julie Smith

The power of kindness , Dr Brian Goldman

I think it’s possible that a lot of the time these are things we all face (women particularly). Certainly I have.

All I can suggest is trying to make connections with people who are not like this. Many people are not like this.

Of course there are times (work for example) when we have to interact with people who may not be respectful, each case will be different, but developing our own self esteem is a good idea. Even if we do encounter bullies they won’t affect us as much if we truly feel confident in ourselves. I have found this.

What do you think about working on your self esteem?

What? I don’t understand why I should have compassion for abusers & bullies.

How can I make make connections with sane people & avoid the psychotic ones? I tried to connect with the normal ones but it seems like normal people don’t want to connect with me it seems like. Or at least kerp their distance from me.

I tried to get help but some of these professionals don’t take me seriously. One time one psychiatrist kept taking non stop emergency phone calls. Rude!

Exactly. You need boundaries for bullies, and compassion for quirks. That way both the bullies and quirks bounce right off. Self esteem means knowing and holding your own worth, no matter what comes down the pike. It's not them - it's you. Don't leave yourself to the mercy, whims, and judgments of others.

You are getting a lot of kind, thoughtful responses here, and you are just shooting them down with harsh, snippy snappy responses. Like you're drunk or something. Like WE are bothering YOU by posting. Thats how i feel, anyway.

You do not need to be kind and compassionate towards abusers and assailants. No one recommends that but there have many instances you described when you can show kindness, less assumption, get into less confrontation and less judgement and calmer response.

If people are busy, it doesn’t mean they are liars or blow you off and they don’t need to be blocked and deleted. If people have kids it doesn’t mean they dislike or reject those who have no kids, it’s not true. Just because people cannot see you as often as you’d like it doesn’t mean you have to confront them or delete them. Just because people like routine activities and don’t like new restaurants or don’t want to talk about make up it doesn’t mean they are not worth your time. There have been many examples of situations when you could be less confrontational.

I know you dislike therapy but you’d benefit from discussing with a therapist how to respond to people irl. There are times when it’s ok to confront, ok to block and there are times when showing kindness is paramount.

I had an outing planned today with my girl friends. Movie and lunch. I woke up not feeling well and in fact have symptoms similar to when I had covid. Would it be ok for them to pass a judgement call me a liar, “blowing them off”, don’t like them because one has no children, block and delete me? Instead they showed kindness. Checked on me later etc And that’s why we’ve been friends for years. They’ve been times some of us were too busy to meet, had other plans, were sick, I am the only one married so I have plans with my husband. It’s ok. They understand and I understand too. No need to always be harsh. It alienates people

Excuse me, but how have I been harsh & snippy & drunk? I’m honest, not drunk.

My spelling sucks at times, is that what you mean? lol. I’m bad at typing on a phone but I can actually spell good otherwise.

Can you please provide exact examples please? No one but you have actually said that.

I do appreciate the responses of course & gave even stated that specifically by saying thanks.

Also, I don’t appreciate your harsh response. I’m a sensitive person & this is a sensitive topic. Please try to be more sensitive & compassionate next time. I’ve obviously bern hurt to many times & I don’t need this . I hope that you understand that.

You response to Nammu #6.

I don’t understand what you’re saying. Can you elaborate please? I didn’t say or do anything wrong.

But see here is an issue with honesty. Sometimes honesty is needed and sometimes it’s uncalled for. Like it’s honest to tell someone they look fat or have an ugly dress or the hair color is unbecoming. But is it needed? Do you need to be honest or should you be quiet? That’s hard to navigate and it gets tricky and you can work on it if you want to improve

You mentioned before that when you confront people you are just being honest, but how is it working for you?

You said you wanted examples. That’s an example.

You asked for suggestions. When suggestions are given, you respond harshly. So what comes to mind that if you respond like this IRL, it might be one of the reasons for people distancing themselves

What do you mean that I respond harshly? Can you give me exact examples? I always say thank you. If by harsh, why should I show compassion to bullies? How is that harsh?

So, should I not be honest then? I’m confused. Should I lie to not hurt people’s feelings? I understand that I shouldn’t tell people that they look fat or that I don’t like their hair cut, but do I really need to lie about everything?

I don’t want to have a fake relationship with people.I don’t want people to lie to me either.

Perhaps it would help if I clarified. I was responding to the post directly above me in which you stated your friend called your boundaries intolerant. And suggested compassion for those instances. The two books I recommended were both suggestions to your multiple posts about conflict with people. The first is a book about life skills. Something you say nobody ever taught you. The second is more how you seem to respond to suggestions by lashing out and puffing up. Kindness is not a weakness.

No I never said you should lie about everything. Of
course not.

Human interactions are intricate and complicated so sometimes you need to speak up snd sometimes you don’t need to. The tricks are to learn what course of action is appropriate in what circumstances. Sometimes being honest is dangerous and unsafe. And sometimes it’s plain rude. And sometimes it’s just fine. It depends. People aren’t simple

If you want to improve your relationship with people, then you might want to make some changes. If you don’t, then it’s fine, just leave it how it is.

What’s confusing is you ask for suggestions but then respond in a rather abrupt manner that you do everything right and don’t need to learn better ways. Then why do you ask?

My former friend said that when I tried to set boundaries that I was being intolerant. I thanked you for both suggestions.

How did I lash out exactly? I only said that I didn’t understand why I should show compassion towards bullies. That is my opinion. How is that lashing out?

Apparently a misunderstanding was involved. And no, kindnesses is not a sign of weakness. Just because I disagreed with you on something does not mean that I was lashing out.

I understand what you said. I never lashed out at any point. I simply stated things that people didn’t agree with or like apparently. That was not my intent to offend at all. That’s not lashing out.

Lashing out would be, oh, you’re wrong or stupid, or how dare you say this or that. It’d be a straight up attack. I didn’t attack anyone. I asked questions. I asked for clarification. I tried to communicate with everyone. How is that lashing out?

I never once said that I was right or that you or anyone else was wrong for anything btw.

I also thanked everyone for their help & suggestions. How is that lashing out?

Btw, being accused of being drunk & abrupt is more in line of lashing out tbh.

I was never once intentionally rude or disrespectful to anyone on here ever. I’m a nice lady.

And please give me a break. Not everything is my fault. I’m more stressed than ever now. We might loose our house soon and have to move to a cheap dumpy area.

I wasn’t trying to be rude or abrupt or anything like that btw. I’m just straightforward. Maybe I just come across thw wrong way, idk. Sorry if I offended anyone. I wasn’t trying to say I’m right or argue either.

It’s a case of observing behaviours with acquaintances and not committing yourself to friendships until you feel comfortable with them. For example if I observe that someone talks or gossips negatively about others I take this as a warning that I will likely be next to be gossiped about. I had to learn that one the hard way.

You say normal people don’t want to connect or they keep their distance. It’s possible they just aren’t available for friendship, not everyone is open to developing new friendships especially if they have very busy lives, this seems like more of an issue as we age and get more commitments. I can’t say this is the case but it may be a possibility.

I know you dismissed my suggestion to volunteer but it is in my experience a good way to keep social and develop social skills. I’m off this afternoon to help a volunteer acquaintance with a new group, tbh I don’t really want to go, I’m just doing it to help him (there’s a shortage of volunteers everywhere I think!) but it won’t hurt me at worst and at best I might get chatting to some interesting people. Sometimes I need to push myself to do these things but often it does have a social benefit. I know it’s hard when you’re socially anxious but believe me it’s like any muscle, if you keep exercising it then it will gradually get easier.

Lastly I kind of do understand what other posters mean when they say you’re dismissive of suggestions. I’ve given you my best replies and yes sometimes you did thank my posts but you don’t seem like you’re receptive to what I’m saying, likewise other posters.

I have kept replying because you sound like you’re in a stuck place and that’s a horrible situation to be in, I hope that some of what we’ve written will be helpful in some way. You write a lot about fault and I think you were maybe raised in a blaming environment, but reality is that it’s rarely any one person’s total fault but there are things we all say and do which contribute to our situation, as well as others input. It’s figuring out how to unpick and move forward.

Best wishes.

Good post

Thanks. I’ll keep the volunteer suggestion in mind. I did not intend to come across as dismissive. I have had a lot if bad luck with people obviously.

I’ll try to take more time getting to know people to lower my expectations more but not my standards.

I did the right thing in cutting off the selfish toxic people who only wanted to use me as a free therapist or for other things in the past.

I’m not exaggerating in the least when I said that those women never bothered to ask me one single thing about me. And I did meet all but one lady more than once. So obviously I gave them all the benefit of the doubt

I don’t appreciate being accused of being abrupt or lashing out for stating an honest opinion.

I’m allowed to disagree with other people. If someone doesn’t like something I say, fine, but don’t accuse me of lashing out or being abrupt or anything like that.

Just say let’s agree to disagree or I feel like you’re being XY or Z respectfully instead of attacking me.

This is a support message board after all & I’m a very sensitive person with obvious problems on top of that. I wish that people would keep that in mind. And not everything is my fault too.

Maybe I should completely give up on everyone 100% as I never have any luck with people it seems like. I’ll probably end up doing that very soon if nothing changes in the next year.