Confused by a new acquaintance’s behavior. Please help

Good news, she did get back to me yesterday. Please see my recent response to another poster on here. I don’t want to retype everything.

I understand why you didn’t say anything to those guys. I understand why most people don’t say anything. I also thought that she reconsidered everything or that she was just being nice.

No, I haven’t. I’m definitely an overthinker & an HSP.

Maybe. Only time will reveal the truth about her.

Good for you contacting her in a friendly way and getting a response.

I think you’re right about time telling, it can take a long time to really know someone. But it’s great you managed to resolve this issue amicably.

I challenge you to eliminate the judgment of "flaky" from your vocabulary (read that with a little bit of humor please). But . . . it is a character judgment that I'm fairly certain you wouldn't appreciate being used against you, and you use that word A LOT.

You mention this woman who you barely know seems to have rather severe anxiety issues, yet you still say you hope "she isn’t a flaky person. Flaky people are hard for me to deal with personally. There is only so much flakiness I can take. I have issues with abandonment." You have issues with abandonment. If someone called your responses "flaky" (or some other derogatory term) because of your abandonment issues, you would consider that judgmental and rude . . . and you would be correct. I'm not judging you here, but you have asked for observations about how you interact with others as a means to figure out how to have better quality, lasting friendships; this is an observation about something you do that may very well come across to others in your interactions, even if you don't actually use that word to their face. It is something you can consciously work on fairly easily.

Try not to overanalyze other people's motives. Perhaps give people the benefit of the doubt. She says she's dealing with anxiety and her life has been very busy. That seems entirely reasonable and probable. Will you reject her because she is a woman with anxiety and stress? You are also a woman with anxiety and stress; seems like you can find some common ground and real empathy there. But give it time. YOU know how hard it is to create friendships when you yourself are dealing with personal issues. Thus, other people with issues will also have trouble forming relationships. They may be cautious (just like you are) and need to take it slowly. They may not feel personally comfortable jumping all in. That doesn't make them "flaky;" it may just mean they are engaging in self-care and taking it slow until they reach their own point of comfort.

Does that make sense? I'm not judging. I am just trying to help you see that your expectations may be all about what you need (and there is nothing wrong with knowing what you need) without regard for what the other person may need. And yes, I know that you have had situations where you felt other people were all about what they needed without regard for you. But hey, that's pretty human. Friendships take time. They won't happen overnight. There will be times in a friendship when the focus is on the other person; there will be times in a friendship when the focus is on you. That is the normal ebb and flow of relationships, and part of having healthy friendships is being willing and able to put that other person first sometimes, understanding that the favor will probably be returned at some point. And sometimes, when friendships begin, they can feel a bit lopsided initially; often, however, they settle in over time. Be willing to give things time.

And over time . . . lots of time . . . if you find the other person never reciprocates, then yes, that person is probably not worth continuing with as a close friend. But very likely . . . over time . . . that other person and you will find a more comfortable place where communication is balanced and the relationship is working safely for both of you.

I also might suggest that the expectation that you "do" a lot of things with friends may be a bit unrealistic, particularly if the other person is working full time, or has children, or elderly parents, or is dealing with personal health or mental health issues, or a host of other obligations. Getting together even once a month may be a stretch. But that doesn't mean you can't be friends. Just realize the expectations may have to be adjusted to accommodate the other person's lifestyle. Again, that's what friends do: they respect each other's differences and needs, and they are able to hold that spot for the other person for when the times work out.

Thanks. Hopefully she’s not an actual flake. I might give her more leeway as she’s really cool, but I have my limits.

I understand what you’re saying. I’ll adjust my expectations from now on & try to be more patient, tolerant & realistic.