It's very very sad!

I fear the possibility that my relationship with my sister is ending. Our brother died of cancer just three months ago. Our dad passed 3 1/2 months ago. Our mother about 18 years ago. Most of our blood uncles are also gone. The two that remain live far away and are estranged, primarily because of inheritance junk. I only have one blood nephew left, my sister's eldest son. Her younger one, whom I was very close to, died by suicide in 2017.

Why I fear the end of my relationship with my sister is just partly because of inheritance stuff, but mainly because of her husband, whom I've disliked since I was 13. He has verbally, psychologically, and emotionally abused my sister and nephews since they were with him. I believe his abuse contributed to my youngest nephew's suicide. Now, he is pitting my sister against me. Demonizing me. I rarely get to talk to her without him listening (and talking) in the background, in response to our conversation. She finally admitted that he reads all of her WhatsApp texts and emails. Recently, she even created a new (secret) email account. I'm unsure if he's discovered it. All I know is that she is more herself on the rare occasions I speak ONLY with her around. Then, lately I soon after receive aggressive/hostile emails/texts that sound 100% like that husband of hers. Her husband wants her to only give me a piddly amount of money to buy me out of my 50% of my inheritance. Again, the whole inheritance junk is making me be affected by his abuse. I don't even believe that my sister deep down wants to buy me out. I think if it was really just her, we'd sell the thing and split the money 50:50. I think her husband just wants to own more land. Take control. And further isolate her, and himself. He's a hoarder. I see him spreading his hoard to the property HE is acting as if is his, when it's my sister's and mine.

When I went to the US for my father's and brother's funerals, he forced her to do things that were so disrespectful towards me. He was disrespectful towards me. He clearly wanted me gone. I wish I had left earlier, as it would have saved me thousands of dollars. Most all of the things I tried to do to help, he reversed/rejected. My sister is so much controlled by him, and makes excuses for it all. For weeks she said he ranted (much about me) and controlled her most hours of the day. He worked on her, forcing his will on her. He does the same to the remaining nephew, who in a sense is like a "mini me" of him. During the past months, he had my nephew contact me to pressure me to do his will. I am too tough to give in to that monster. A monster who has a mental illness but will never seek therapy for it. I have bipolar disorder, so I don't need his abuse! At times, I do feel pressured to give in to his harassment to just get rid of him from my life. Again, I'm certain that when the whole inheritance horror is finally over, that he will prevent her from even contacting me much, or at all. Frankly, though I feel for my sister, she is an adult. I can't save her from the imprisonment she has grown accustom to. I can't convince her that she is not the problem (she has a low self esteem), but that her husband is. He tells her she's the problem. Part of his abuse. I've given up on my remaining nephew. Each day I think of (and feel grief for) my poor nephew that died from it all. "Wish I had" and "would have" thoughts that I could have saved him go through my head each and every day, since 2017. But it's too late. And I am totally powerless to do anything for my sister. So I grieve my likely loss of her. And all she has is him and her eldest son. That chains her to it all even stronger. She doesn't even want to free herself. She has no confidence to do so. Has been belittled so much that she thinks no one else would even want her. Plus, it is sick (in my view) that she still loves him.

I’m so sorry. That has to be so hard.

What you describe is truly a very lamentable situation. I'm very sorry that this is all you have left of family. It sure doesn't sound like there's a whole lot you can do about it, which must be an ongoing deep disappointment.

You can let your sister know you love her and that you are there for her. Then you have to step back from her because you can't allow her to act as a channel of abuse coming from her husband toward you. She has opted to accept this abusive marriage, even though it may have cost her a son. That husband sounds vile. You have every right to disengage from toxic interaction. That may mean having little contact with your sister, which is very sad. It is something to grieve over.

I hope you have others in your life. Try and cultivate warm friendships. There will always be a void where closeness to family should have been. You have to invest in other relationships.

I've known some difficulty in my own family due to resentments over who inherited what. I too have a brother-in-law who seems to manipulate my sister at times. When I visit them, I feel he just tolerates my presence. None of this is anywhere near as bad as you describe. But I know how disturbed I've felt, just getting a slight taste of that alienation. My sister does stay in contact with me and our relationship is reasonably warm. She's not being abused. You must wish you could help your sister to escape what she puts up with. However, she chooses to stay, and that's that.

Sounds like you need a lawyer to represent your interests in the usa.

Hi Soupe, divorce, personal feuds and inheritance junk truly destroyed my family, I'm very sorry you must give up a sister due to similar causes, this is indeed a sad post and a difficult situation. I don't know you personally, but you don't seem confused in your post, you seem fully aware of what's going on and, luckily for you, you do indeed sound like a tough, rational person. That's all that's needed, the rest cannot be laid on your shoulders. Pls tell us if your sister opens her eyes.


Hugs.

This is a volatile situation that needs to be addressed yesterday. Not only is it unhealthy for you but think about your sister who actually has to live with this control freak.

Two things I'd like to address:

Frankly, though I feel for my sister, she is an adult. I can't save her from the imprisonment she has grown accustom to.

And I am totally powerless to do anything for my sister.

Wrong. You CAN save her from this creep. There is strength in numbers. You and your sister have every right to confront this bully if your sister won't do it on her own. It sounds like he's out of control and the more he gets his way, the more empowered he will feel. I'm afraid it will get worse as time passes. I would think your sister is miserable in this marriage (even if you say she loves him). While I don't advocate for divorce, that might be an option. And counseling? Good Luck. This guy sounds too hard-headed to admit fault so I don't think it would do any good (although I could be completely wrong).

All my best to your family. Life is too short to put up with abuse, no matter the form.

Confronting him is not going to work at this stage especially if the sister is so wrapped up in him. It could make things worse.

I agree with Nammu. Do not get in between your sister and her husband. If he gets mad at you, he'll take it out on your sister with increased abuse when you're not around.

You cannot make your sister's choices for her. You can offer her refuge, if she needs to flee her home. If she insists on staying there, you cannot "save" her.