Would it be inappropriate or weird to ask new acquaintances to initiate contact?

It seems like I almost always need to intiate contact with almost everyone that I know. Even friends who I’ve knoen for years. I’m not sure why that is. I ferl like I’m not a priority to anyone at all.

It often feels like most people only keep me around to have as an option when no one else is available or because they maybe feel sorry for me.

It sucks. Anyways, would it be weird or inappropriate if I nicely asked new acquaintances if they could please initiate plans next time?

I was thinking of saying something like, I’ve invited you out the last two or three times & so far it seems like you like hanging out with me.

I feel like I’m bothering you though as you’re often unavailable or you tend to take awhile to get back to me. So I’d appreciate it if you intiate plans next time. Especially since your schedule seems to be more unpredictable than mine is.

Does that sound needy or weird? If so, how should I word things then?

Should I say anything or not?

I have invited a few new aquaintences out 2 or 3 times already & a few times they made plans but then forgot about them or they suggest getting together but then never followed through.

It’s do frustrating! I feel like giving up on even trying anymore! I’m constantly getting mistreated & ignored!

Why? What’s confusing is that most of the time these women seem to enjoy being around me.

But then I end up getting ignored having them give me constant busy excuses. I get that people are busy, but I get the busy excuse all the time.

It’s ridiculous. Why do people do this? Am I maybe getting the ‘polite’ brush off? Are these women giving me ‘hints’ that I’m not getting maybe? Are they being ‘nice’ by not ignoring me completely?

One lady just bought me a birthday lunch. That doesn’t sound like she wanted to blow me off unless she changed her mind about me later, idk. I mentioned something that I shouldn’t have about a first time DUI. Bad idea.

What should I do?

I wouldn't explain. If you want them to take the initiative, my thought is to say something like:

"That was really fun. Thanks for coming! Let me know/give me a call/message me if you want to meet again. I would really like that."

(They might not do it though, and then you won't see them. But I guess your point is that even when you take the initiative you often don't get to see them.).

I wish I could offer you some really clear-cut advice, but sadly I don't think I can.

You probably know this already, but people are often motivated by unconscious or barely conscious needs and desires. This is what makes relationships so tricky.

I know a woman who realized during psychotherapy that she was biased against men with beards because of her unhappy relationship with her father who had a beard. For this reason, she prioritized men unconsciously based on facial hair. She didn't even realize this until therapy. And if she didn't realize it, how could the men she rejected know that they were rejected for apparently no good reason.

Maybe this is irrelevant, but in the animal world, a lioness although being mated to a single lion will tend to keep other males around. The theory is that this has to do with increasing the odds of reproductive success in a case where the primary male's life ends for whatever reason.

The female lioness, moved by instinct selects who she thinks will assure her the best chance for reproductive success but also hedges her bets by knowing where other male lions might be.

Whether that is true or not or whether it can be generalized in any way to human beings is up for debate. And open to question.

But people seem to have some notion of what an ideal mate would be. It isn't that they arrived at this through cool and calm rational study. There are forces at work beyond rationality. Past experiences, strong fears, conflicting ideas or emotions, compulsions and so on. If true, that would seem to explain a lot.

If one watches people in the produce section of a grocery store, one sees that people have different personal tastes. They tend to pick the produce they like. And it is not like they have tasted every type of produce and reasoned it all out. People like what they like. And they prioritize. If the store is out of something they want, they might select something as second-best. The important thing to realize, I think, is that this has nothing to do with the inherent value of the produce.

If produce had reflexive consciousness, they might develop self-esteem issues if they saw that people de-prioritized them. And that would be wrong in my opinion. I never even considered buying a Chinese apple pear until I was 45 years old and tasted one at a party. Now they are one of my favorite apples.

What all of this is meant to say is that I don't think it is fair to place your self-esteem in jeopardy by what is happening in your personal life. If people were totally rational creations maybe putting one's self-esteem as risk would make sense, but people are not totally rational. People are moved by many things on the edge of their consciousness or deep within it.

We all tend to enclose our relationship options within fairly small boundaries. In a small town, for example, a person generally selects people from that town or near it. There are exceptions of course. There are surprise meetings between people. The internet has expanded the number of people we might meet, but it is sort of one-dimensional. People cannot share on the internet what their subconscious needs and desires are because they themselves don't really know them unless they have done some pretty deep reflection or undergone psychotherapy.

I suspect that everyone over 40 years old has had experience with being de-prioritized by others whom they value with very high priority. I know I have.

I'm not sure that approaching this relationship issue head-on is going to have a favorable outcome. Not sure that your being direct is going to cause those who have de-prioritized you to re-evaluate that and change their priorities. Sometimes the direct approach works. Sometimes it leads to less than favorable or unfavorable outcomes. I'm not telling you anything that you don't already know.

I myself have tried it and although sometimes it led to temporary improvement in a relationship, I have never experienced it as leading to a lasting improvement. But things are not always logical. I remember a funny line from a movie where the woman says: "I hate that guy so much I'm going to end up marrying him." That sounds absurd but sometimes the absurd happens.

I am mostly worried about your self-esteem and your losing hope. There are strategies for increasing one's odds of finding a soul mate. There are many books on this subject. One of these books suggests that increasing one's acquaintances increases the odds of making more friends and increasing the number of one's friend's increases the odds of finding a romantic relationship. I don't know what to make of things like this.

You know already that publicity increases visibility. People in the public eye, like movie stars and popular musicians get lots of love letters. Even people in prison who have had their picture in the newspaper sometimes get love letters.

I hope that you will not lose hope. There are always surprises in life and not just bad ones. Please try to not let your present misfortunes affect your self-esteem.

In closing I have to admit that my fallible opinions are just fallible opinions. I share what has helped me through things but have no idea if they are helpful or would be helpful to others.

I hope your luck changes. And I am rooting for you.

I have learned that if someone wants to be in my life, they make the effort. No, don't ask them to reach out to you. They know how to get in touch with you. They have your cell #, your email, your social media information. If they don't reach out, it's because they don't want to.

I just deleted another one-sided acquaintance from my cell # and Facebook. I can't be bothered with shallow, one-sided connections. I want real friendships in my life.

I feel your pain. I really do. It is frustrating when we meet someone we get along with, and see the potential for a real friendship. Only to learn that they don't feel the same way, yet, instead of just telling us, they show us through their behavior (they never initiate a social invitation or respond to our social invitation).

I think people do this because they are self-centered. And, when they don't feel invested in a social connection, they don't make the effort to tell the person the truth (that they aren't interested in a real friendship).

I've learned at age 52, that if someone ignores my social invites or doesn't invite me out, that they just don't like me. Do I have any real friends? Nope. Just a lot of lop-sided, one-sided, acquaintance-ships that continue to languish and collect dust online as I never hear from them or see them in person (they never respond to my invites and they never invite me anywhere).

I think if it really bothers you, you could set a boundary with these women and see how they respond. I like Bill's suggestion. If they ignore your invitation with silence, and never follow-up; that's their passive-aggressive way of showing you that they don't value your social connection beyond passing acquaintance.

Don't second guess any information that you disclose with these women either. If they really valued their connection to you, they wouldn't be put off by it. If they judge you because you are confident in being your true, authentic self, then they are not compatible as friends with you.

As soon as anyone shows you through their actions if you're a priority or option in their life, believe them. If you're just an option, they will just ignore you and not really respect you, even if you set a boundary with them. If you are a priority in their life, they will value you and respect you and initiate social invitations with you so that its not a lop-sided, one-sided social connection.

Just my observations from my own experiences/struggles with friendships. I hope you feel better about it.

I get this too so thanks for sharing, I like what Bill suggested although I’m not sure I’m confident enough to say that at the moment. It’s a good suggestion though and I’ll bear it in mind.

Thanks. I like that idea. It’s simple & straightforward but it doesn’t come across as desperate, pushy, or needy, perfect!

I’m not that confident either, but I’m sick of being blown off, so I’m just going to use his suggestion next time. I’m sick of awkwardly saying it was nice meeting you.

Thanks. I’m not looking for a mate. This is in regards to making friends. Perhaps I’m trying to hard. Maybe I need to take it easy & let other people put in more effort and not put in most of the work so often.

I might be giving people the impression that I’m desperate for friends, idk. And I need to stop oversharing at times, ugh.

Sorry to hear about your one sided friendships. I hate that. I have a bad feeling about my new aquaintences, all of them.

I think that they’re just being ‘polite’ & are hoping that I’ll eventually take their busy hints & stop contacting them.

Why do people play these bs games? I’d rather be ignored. How do I set boundaries with people like this? Can you provide examples please?

Why would these women act like they like me & want to get together with me & make tentative plans then ignore me? It makes no sense to me at all It’s extremely frustrating!

I keep getting nothing but lame b.s excuses! No one forgets that much or is busy all the time!

Or is sick all the time! Or is out of town all the time! Ugh! So lame!

If they don’t want to hear from me again, fine, but stop with the lies, it is becoming more obvious they are avoiding me for some reason.

Ridiculous! Why do people do this? I give up! I am done trying anymore!

I think friends are based on what you like to do together. They will want to get together with you to do the activity you do together. This is the motivator.

I met a nice woman my age when I moved in. For a long time, we’d just say hi when we’d run into each other. Eventually one of us asked to go for a walk together. We did and had a good time. But neither of us came on too aggressive, to ask to go for a walk too often. We kept occasional contact until a deeper friendship started to build.

Then we started with having wine together in our building. She enjoys that. I’m sure she enjoys my company, but she also like to relax and drink wine.

Now we’ve started going out. Again, she is enjoying the adventure of that. I’m sure she enjoys my company, but her motivator is also that she really enjoys our going out for nightlife. The experience is fun.

Do you see where I’m going with this?

We both gave time and space. We both made some effort without making the other feel bombarded.

I echo what Bill said, but think it does sound a little needy. I would simply say at the end of when you see this friend, “See you soon! Call me when you can!”. Keep it light, easy breezy.

OK, so are you saying that I might be trying to hard & scaring people away? What are you trying to say exactly?

To just back off & give them more space? I thought that they wanted to get together with me again. I’m confused. Thanks for the suggestion about calling when they can.

I’d not be telling people that they should initiate more. If they want to see you, they would initiate. I don’t think it’s something you need to specifically ask for, especially since they find excuses not to see you when you initiate.

I find one thing you said interesting. You said you aren’t their priority. But honestly for most adults their friends might not be the first priority in life. I have a couple of good friends and I care for them but if I was asked to prioritize people and things in my life, they’d not be on the very top. I wonder how realistic is your expectation of importance of hanging out with friends.

I also wonder if you subconsciously sabotage your connection to people/push them away before it even starts by over sharing from the get go. Like you are setting up stage for them to start avoiding you. Telling people that you were kicked out from bars or had DUIs could push someone away before they even know you. But it’s also possible you do it due to anxiety. Oversharing is common in those cases

I’m not sure the frequency you are aiming for in these new, budding friendships. I think it’s best when expectations are very low, and lots of space is given.

You get together. It’s a good experience. They will want to see you again, but in due time. No, you are not their priority. I feel, with people, it is that they are more about wanting to enjoy the activity you do together, and they like being with another person who they enjoy doing it with, and that is when they will contact you. This is especially true in new friendships.

I needs to be both people making effort, but let it be at its own pace. Meanwhile, nurture other relationships and enjoy doing things by yourself, too.

I’m an oversharer, too. I know, one time, I definitely scared off a new friend with TMI. This is something I need to work on.

I understand that I’m not their priority. They shouldn’t lie & say they’ll get back to me then ignore me though. That’s rude. Forgeting to do so is understandable, but doing it 3 or 4 times is no accident. It’s intentional.

So, what should I do? What would you do if you were me? I’m damned if I do & damned if I don’t. What’s wrong with what Bill suggested?

I thought it sounded good. I thought it was a good way to set boundaries & not let people treat you with disrespect.

I keep on getting disrespected & I’m NOT OK with that. I have already been flaked on 3 times in a row by that one lady & will probably be flaked on a 4th time as she said she’d her back to me again & she ignored me again so far! Rude!

I understand that she’s busy, but 4 times in a row? That’s ridiculous! Don’t you think? What would you do if you were me? Give her a chance or give up on her? This constant busy excuse is sounding more & more like I’m being blown off.

It sounds like she is giving me a hint to stop contacting her.

As for oversharing, I didn’t mean to do that. The conversation just took a turn down that path & the other lady asked me a question I kind of got stuck answering reluctantly. I could’ve lied, but I didn’t.

I didn’t just blurt it out, lol. I honestly don’t overshare to much to often these days except for on here obviously, lol.

Most people I meet tell me a lot more personal things than I tell them. This one lady told me a few personal things about herself. One of them is that she’s a nudist during our second meeting. I’m not judging her btw.

See what I mean? lol. So at times I slip & reveal things too when they open up to me, but I normally don’t do that to often.

I’ll try to be a lot more careful from now on though. Btw, I never told anyone that I got kicked out of a bar & only one lady knows. about my DUI.

We were talking about drinking & driving & she eventually asked me if I ever got a DUI. I didn’t exactly volunteer that info.

Honestly, almost every single person I’ve met has treated me like I’m a free therapist & it’s irritating most of the time. I’m rarely asked much about myself. Most people don’t really seem to care about me at all. It’s all about what they can get from me & it’s disgusting.

I’ll just get a few ‘crumbs’ thrown my way here & there. I need a lot more then that though. Most people are very selfish it seems like. Or at least the people I tend to attract. I don’t expect that much.

I’m so sick of these mostly one sided friendships to where I do almost all of the initiating. I feel like I’m merely being tolerated most of the time.

I’m probably going to give up 100% on even trying anymore very soon.

I’m about to be a no ever sharer ever. By that I mean never even trying anymore. I keep trying & failing. The ones that stick around just use me or tolerate me.

Who needs that? I’m done with being a free therapist! I’m done with intitiating almost every plan!

I’m done with being ignored most of the time & almost never even asked how I’m doing!

I rarely even overshare! I overshare once in awhile when other people do the same thing as a weird bonding experience unfortunately.

Never again!

People suck! People are mostly selfish users! I’m done with being hurt & used!

I’m probably going to tell that flaky lady that things aren’t going to work out even though it’s obvious because her behavior is inconsiderate & hurtful.

I’ll tell her that I tried to be understanding & paitient, but to flake on me 4 times in a row is to much. I don’t care if people on here think that I’m the ‘problem’. This isn’t the right way to treat people.

I bet things would be different if this happened to you instead. Stuff like this makes me extremely depressed & even more anxious & downright suicidal at times.

It’s very obvious that people don’t like me & that they never will no matter what I do or don’t do. I f’n give up!!
Not gonna kill myself btw. I just give up on trying to be nice anymore! Eff people!

You asked what I’d do. If I always initiated and they never did and always had reasons to not see me, I’d stop initiating. I am not saying I’d be dramatic and confront them or block and delete. I’d just stop initiating. I am not saying my opinion is right. I just see no point in telling random people that I want this or that from them. Things are the way they are. If people don’t contact me, I can’t make them.

My bad about being kicked out from a bar. It wasn’t a friend but a chiropractor. I just see “shock value” sharing on your part and it made he wonder why you share that kind of stuff with strangers. But again I might be wrong about the whole thing .

I’m not sure where the line is for sharing and over sharing.

When we are getting to know new friends, we feel each other out about what works. For example, if they use foul language, then you know that it is okay for you to do the same. Or maybe you are offended by that and don’t want to be their friend because they do.

The time I’m thinking of for myself was when I was going through a trauma, something that was happening in my family. I went to lunch with a woman who was trying to be my friend. Our kids went to school together. I let out to her the whole crazy story. It came out of me like blaaaaahhhhh. No, she never called me again and I’m not surprised. I regret doing that but I was just so in panic mode, I couldn’t help it. I shouldn’t have done that. She was supportive in the moment, but I’m sure she was mortified.

I’ve already told very personal things to my new friend and she has also told me the same about herself. I am too much of an open book. I know this isn’t really right of me and it’s probably going to backfire on me somehow. I am trying to be better. She reacted happy to hear it and share about herself as well. So idk what oversharing really is. I mean, I want to be myself.

You shouldn’t have to hold back and censor yourself. Maybe someone else can give pointers about what is proper to share and what shouldn’t be.

Don’t give up on people. They are far from ideal, but it’s nice to spend time with others.

There was nothing wrong with what Bill said. I just thought the part where he said “I would really like that” felt a bit needy. I feel coming across as needy is really off-putting to people, and would avoid it. You want to seem secure, reliable, open… traits like that.

You don’t have to let others use you as a therapist. When they start going on for too long about their woes, you can change the subject to something more positive.

If someone keeps flaking on you, yes, you should take it as a hint they don’t want to see you. Yes, it is rude for them to encourage you and then let you down. Sometimes it’s hard for people to be honest. It’s easier to lie and then disappoint.

It won’t do you any good to tell her off. If you just leave her be, maybe she will reach out to you in the future. Why burn a bridge?

See, you two clicked and developed emotional connection of sorts. Sharing whatever you feel like is healthy. If you just met someone and don’t really have any particular closeness and don’t even know if they like you, it’s wise to take it slowly.

I'm not sure where the line is vs sharing and over sharing either.

Most people who have complained about me have said I under share. But I guess there are probably some who have complained about me and/or rejected me who claimed I over shared.

When getting to know someone new it can be hard to know how much to share. And even having known someone for years, or having thought we knew them.....it can suddenly go wrong. Especially if that someone happens to be an abuser

I find many people VERY confusing.

And there are many selfish people in this world. Too ****ing bad my parental units told me over and over again how ''selfish'' I was. NO. Just NO.

I'm sure I'm not the first person who has told you there ARE good people in this world. I have found some.

And I think you will find some too.

If you continue working on YOU.

Have you checked out the Self Esteem forum here yet?

I think someone mentioned this in another post.

I posted there today, a few replies.

And I can relate to being targeted by insecure bullies who try to mess with people. I think it was me who said they are insecure.

The bullies who targeted me at primary school were all quite ugly girls. I hadn't really thought of that before.

My mother said they were ''jealous'' too. That was not helpful. I even told another girl that. Maybe the bullies are jealous. (I was only 8) Big mistake. She was another bully and said something else horrible. They did other vile stuff to me too

In years of therapy, I didn't mention that. And he didn't listen. He was another ''bully''.... and that is putting it politely.