I messed up in a conversation. And the Four F's

I messed up in a ''phone'' conversation. Well, maybe not exactly messed up. But I feel as if I have. It's someone I care about and trust. They have been going through a lot of very hard things. I don't want to say what those hard things are. Now I feel like ****. Why can't I be perfect? Why can't I say the right things? Why are those ****ing ******* (irl) so casually cruel and incompetent I don't feel it would be helpful to give more details. Not right now, and maybe not at all. I was accused of ''whining'' by some A hole and I do not delight in being so maligned when I was speaking My Truth about the deplorable ''care''...... (irl)

Has anyone experienced similar? Probably not since I've given so few details. I hope the person will be ok. I think they will....

I sometimes try to ''rescue'' others. I guess I fit some label or other associated with that.

Maybe I should have ''rescued'' my mother (when I was very little) from the Father. Maybe I should have been perfect, then they might have loved me....

I definitely Should have been Perfect when I was a slightly older child...

A therapist ''hated'' me too That therapy was supposed to be a ''corrective'' emotional experience. It was anything but that. Like those who were my primary ''care'' givers seemed to ''hate'' me. Or were indifferent.....

One of the four F's (Pete Walker)

Fight
Flight
Freeze
Fawn

I have CPTSD.

Anyone relate to any of this?

I know this post is all over the place. I hope someone can make sense of my deplorable messed up post.

PS. Our friend, she died

Dear fuzzybear... yes I can relate to this and I bet many more people here and elsewhere do, even those who are supposedly "healthy" and "ok". I'm sorry I can't understand all you are going through but I see you feel like you have failed, so maybe you are adding much self-criticism to the unsatisfactory social interaction that took place on the phone. Please, don't do that, it's like battering yourself against an anvil and won't help your purpose. Everybody wants to do and say the right thing at the right time and be appreciated by others... you and me need less rigidity and more understanding in those situations or we shall break and shatter. Take it easy on yourself, do things and entertain yourself with activities that distract this harsh censor of ours and hope to find empathy and understanding in others, at least those that count... I actually haven't found the right recipe other than medication, I must still improve a lot, and I wish you all the best too. Sorry a friend of yours is not among us anymore. (((Hugs))).

Thanks! I think you're right, that a lot of people here and elsewhere could relate to this sometimes, even those who are (supposedly) ''healthy'' or ''ok''. Good point!

The conversation wasn't unsatisfactory. I just worry I might have triggered someone. It was another friend who died And I can't tolerate nearly all the meds, but thanks for the suggestion. Thanks for caring and for replying!

I agree about finding empathy and understanding in others... at least those who count. Good point! And I guess... yeah.... ''self love'' (someone mentioned that to me in a recent reply) although that one isn't easy when that censor/critic is spouting it's stuff.....Distraction is often good but it wasn't working when I wrote that post. Or at night when I can't sleep.

I wish you all the best too, and be gentle with you too!

Malign - having or showing intense, often vicious ill will.

I try to NEVER do that to anyone. Given how the FOO (family of origin) were/are.... I think I'm doing ok.

That's one of my core values. To NEVER be that awful person those abusers (in ''real life'') said I was. And to try always to practise kindness and compassion. I'm sure I ''fail'' sometimes (like everyone does) (especially hard is kindness to self..)

Peace for the departed, peace for your friend, peace for you.
That's a feeling with deep roots.
Regardless how you feel about the content of the call, I hope the fact of the call did its job well.

Thank you Rohag

It seems that on this phone call you were not perfect...but you were good enough.

"Good enough" is a standard worth considering. It means that you were good enough to resolve the situation successfully, in a healthy manner.

You can't be perfect because none of us can....but when is good-enough imperfection a problem? I know an answer to this one very well, from experience! Good-enough imperfection is a problem when parents punish or deprive kids for being good-enough imperfect (because it isn't "perfect" in their (often unfair and arbitrary) eyes).

I wonder if that happened to you...

Thanks Bill,

It did happen to me. I'm sorry it happened to you too...

Thank you so much for your kind words...I'm sorry that it happened to you

No child can rescue a parent. A child simply doesn’t have the life experience or the mature brain development to solve complex adult problems.